Can I flow?

I guess channel and flow are the themes of the week.  And questions comes to mind...if I open my heart and channel, where is the fear?  Where will the fear go?  Will the fear go?  Will it be replaced by an appropriate fear?  Because fear can be a good thing if it keeps us from burning ourselves, driving off cliffs, being in intimate relationships with alcoholics.

Your questions are powerful...especially,  Why can't we trust in the abundance of the universe?

I had a memory...I was 5 or 6, we lived with Grammy because Dad was stationed overseas and Mom was trying to find a house for us.  We moved into our own home the next summer, but for about 7 months, we lived with Grammy.  You were the baby. Uncle J. and Cousin M. lived there - this was the wild time when Uncle J's marriage was chaotic.  The Uncles and Aunts were home for holidays and some weekends.   One night we had chili for dinner, and there was a large family group there.  I don't know if someone set one too few places or what, but there was no place for me at the table.  Uncle J started teasing me and saying that there was not enough for me.  I started crying, left the dining room and went upstairs and hid under a bed.  I believed there was not enough for me.  I believed I was not welcome.  A more secure child would have laughed and found a chair...

Even when I was 6 I believed there was not enough.  Our culture had already taught me that there was not enough.

How do we get passed such effective conditioning?

Your other words that screamed at me were: we create enemy so that we have someone to target as the cause of all of our problems...

We do see everything as a war.  Everything is our enemy.  We team up against something outside of us in order to feel a least some camaraderie somewhere in our sterile, isolated existence.  Since we don't have true community we find novel ways to connect.  I watch people create drama, and I have long realized it is a distraction.  We have a drama and we can feel, and life is normal - especially for those who grew up in drama-addicted families.  I just realized that having a common enemy provides a community.  It is a violent and false community, but it's better than feeling abandoned and alone.  I think this may be the roots of bullying.

And maybe the deepest individual roots are in trying to escape being that infant, crying alone in the dark, despairing, knowing no one will come, no one will hold us.

My emotions are high today, and thoughts are swirling...

Love you...Clare.