control...I'm doing it again

So, I will attempt to be more open this morning.
For some reason...maybe the approaching storm and these dreary days...
I have been short-tempered and short on insight for the past few days.

I feel confrontational for some reason.

So what am I being moved to confront?
My future?
My past?
no those are too obvious...
No, it's probably the present...the answer is never the obvious...that much I have learned.
I am starting to have increasing awareness that in a few months I will be finished with this degree and still have no clear idea what to do.
I have so many ideas...but they seem to be exclusive of each other...
I need to find a position that is inclusive of my interests...
or create one that does.

Oh, crap...I am trying to control the outcome...once again...
one of my usual mechanisms of defense.
It's one that people raised in dysfunctional homes like to turn to...
and one that I have mastered to the point that it becomes automatic for me...
even hard to recognize.

This morning, as I was showering, I thought of my current life situation.
I am teaching because of a serendipitous meeting.
I am getting a Masters because of people who are peripherally involved in my life...
had the correct message at the correct time for me.
I believe that this morning's message is to trust that the opportunity will present itself...
I just have to be open enough to recognize it say yes.

I am interning in an office right now for the MSW requirements...
the group is accepting applications for the executive director's position...
a professor, whom I greatly admire, told me very clearly that I would be perfect for that position.
Is that serendipity...or a vehicle for my self-reflection?
The deadline for applying is today...
I think that may be part of this 'funk'...
I have been preoccupied with the conflicting thoughts of this opportunity.
I have been contemplating this for the past two weeks...is it what I am looking for?
Part of me (the practical part) thinks it is ridiculous to think that I could go from to intern to executive director.
Part of me has seriously considered it...it is prestigious...but there's alot of travel involved...most of the activities and projects that they are involved in would interest me...but the public advocacy that they do is very focused on the needs of the profession, not social justice issues.

I want several things in a position; research opportunities,  researching and writing public policy, the opportunity to make a significant difference (teaching, speaking, writing and/or advocating), and social justice work.

I am meeting with my current employer next week to see if they can craft a position that meets my requirements (aka the wish-list).
After the election, I want to send out "feelers" to elected officials to see if they are interested in a research analyst/policy 'shaper' type position.
I have also suggested that my current university hire me to teach and research...
I could truly do Bio-psycho-social research and teach undergrad and grad level courses...
they are bringing it to the dean.
So is all of this activity control?
Is it prudence and being proactive?
I feel as if it is trying to control the future instead of trusting in the process...
One of my greatest fears is that I will take on a position that will take over my life...
be so engaging or demanding that I will forget to make time for me...and my family.
I have to remember to give myself enough time to breathe and walk and meditate and read for pleasure and sing and cook and garden and hang with my animals...
to make me a priority...to feed my soul.
If I can do that then I will continue to heal...
continue to grow...
to become integrated and whole...
maybe I will actually be balanced and grounded...
so the next time some external crisis occurs it won't send me into a tail spin that takes a year to recover from.

One last question...I don't understand the difference between active and passive sentence structures...can you explain or give me an example?

Shalom-
Maggie