Sorry for my absence...my little cat has been ill for about a week and I have spent two days this week at vets trying to figure it out. It seems that she has swallowed a foreign body that temporarily blocked her stomach...hence the 4 days of vomiting..and now is moving through her colon...unfortunately she has not defecated in several days so I fear she may be getting blocked.
She is comfortable and lazy today, so we are just waiting it out.
I had a ruffed grouse die by flying into one of my windows a few years back as well. Unfortunately I have birds fly directly into my windows several times a year...but this grouse flew into the basement patio door...no other bird had gone there.
I remember the goal of the psychics now...my thoughts had clouded on why we were contemplating that step...probably just wishful thinking that someone would complete this journey for me...and then I could live happily ever after...I do understand that it doesn't work that way...we have to work for things that are valuable...so yes, lets try to connect with the ancestors.
I have been working on a paper about perpetrators of abuse...specifically domestic violence. I keep coming to the conclusion that they are deeply hurt and so they lash out at the ones that they love...twisted thought process...but when you can't trust yourself things do get twisted and warped.
I should hate batterers, but I feel great compassion for them...and wish for healing for them.
Why should we allow anyone to suffer? No one deserves to suffer.
No one should have to carry the festering wounds left raw and exposed from childhood trauma...
and no one should cause those scars...even if they carry them too.
How do we stop the violence and abuse cycle?
Is saying me too enough?
How do we prevent the disrespect and maltreatment that cycles, generation after generation?
One theory is to ignore any contributing factors (like a history of child abuse or mental illness) and hold people totally accountable...but how can they be totally accountable when they aren't whole? How can they trust and release control when they were raised in a chaotic and untrustworthy life... when they carry suffering?
It is so sad...it's a sad, vicious, continuous circle...it's so universal.
It's like the condom analogy...we never really connect with each other in an open an vulnerable way because we are broken, scared children at the center, protecting ourselves.
The breakthrough from earlier this week was acknowledging that the fear that haunts and tethers me is not real...
it is only an illusion...
and I hold myself prisoner because I cling to it as reality...it has been my reality...
afraid to let go and allow events to occur...no, not me.
I am compelled to direct and control the external situation because if I lose control on that level then the internal chaos will become even greater.
I have to consciously tell myself that when I feel that visceral fear reaction that I can choose to turn away from it and choose peace.
I have been hypervigilant for most of my years that I don't know how to let go...
how to stop...
how to surrender and open...
how to trust.
But all of that will change as I choose to remove the power that fear holds over me...I can release those parts of my brain that are constant alert for danger and begin to enjoy and appreciate the present moment, not just in my safe little corner...but anywhere I find myself and with any person that I choose.
I have to learn to trust...to trust myself enough to trust...to trust in the good and the abundance of the universe and all beings.
Love and blessings,
Maggie
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