Samhain

Happy Halloween,

Remember the year we were Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?  The advantage of being the oldest/tallest - I got to be the princess.  Mom did have fun working with a group sometimes.  I think if she sent us out today, she would make us be the Cleveland Browns.  What do you think?

Halloween is different with an empty nest, living on a dark, dead end road.  Those who celebrate Samhain note that today is the day when the veil is thin.  Those who have passed over are closest to us now.  When my kids were at home, when they were older - too old for trick-or-treating, etc., we used to sit together on Halloween night and remember those who had passed.  We always talked a lot about Cousin D who died young of ALS.  My middle son is named for him.  I told them about his humor - The Peanut Butter Ghost stories.  We talked about Aunt S and Grammy - my oldest has their names - they both died while I was pregnant the first time.  When I look at my oldest, I realize they have been gone for three decades, but it doesn't seem that long.  Grammy seems so real and so present.

My youngest son has the name of his great grandfather and great uncle.  You remember Uncle O from my in-law's side of the family?  He dropped his shorts for you when he discovered you were studying medicine.  He wanted you to get a look at his...shingles!  Nana was so embarrassed.  And Nana - my youngest has her name.  I loved her so much...She was truly kind.

I think it's good to remember.  I have been thinking about the duality.  Pop was charming, funny, fun to be with.  Yet he abused - who knows how many.  And my oldest son has his name...Grandma was self-sacrificing and sometimes bitter, but she made me feel special - she cooked special foods, especially when I stopped eating meat, and just made it seem like that was normal - it was normal to notice what I ate and provide that for me.  She had a true generosity of spirit despite hiding from the pain and grossness of her life in abusive families. Grammy made me feel special, too.  Somehow she seemed to do that for everyone.  She is often my role model in life.  Grampa Smoke is also a sympathetic character, despite being a falling-down-in-public alcoholic.  I remember my parents-in-law, who held on to me and the kids as my marriage crumbled.  They came from dysfunctional backgrounds, and none of us were perfect, but I remember their generosity and support, and I miss them.

I feel a balance today.  They are all hovering nearby, on a loving vibration.  They were flawed, but they are family.  They hurt us, yet they loved us.  I don't think any one of them was malicious.  They/we are all just damaged.  Maybe it's good to be alone on a dark, dead-end road for Halloween!

I hope you have a Happy Halloween.  Love you!!  C.

(I didn't get the manager's position - not enough business experience.  I just saw the announcement of who was promoted.  I think it was a good choice.)