Being part

My you do have that two year old thing going.  I was looking for the Why? Why? Why???

How will we know when we are healed?  Is that a 100% question?  All or nothing?  I think we'll approach 100% healed as we become very aged crones!  What came to mind, though, was having a baby.  After having a baby, I was tired, and in charge of a little being that didn't sleep regularly, and who needed constant oversight.  There were days when I didn't shower.  There were days when I was still in my pajamas when their dad got home.  I remember thinking, in my maternal fog, that it would always be like this, that I would always be exhausted, yet on alert.  Then, with each of them, when they hit about six months old, I suddenly felt okay.  I could never put my finger on exactly what changed, but I remember feeling delighted - I was back.  I have a feeling that is what will happen to us.  Suddenly everything will be okay, even though we didn't notice anything big happening.  It will just be -- fine.  I don't think there will ever be an end point. But there will be a healthy point, which will follow the healthy enough point...we are heading in the right direction.

And our scars will be beautiful.  They will be strong and gleaming and they will be proof that we survived.  We are powerful.

Being lover/beloved and jailer/inmate simultaneously blows my mind. I can't quite comprehend, although I have experienced it and know exactly what you mean.

Thinking about healing.  I remember two incidents, when my kids were young, and we were involved in community organizing events.  Each time I was sitting in the grass with three other people - the same three people.  And each time, I had that feeling of being safe, included, and just...present.  A part of me stood above or outside and observed the calm joy.  In that same time period, we had a group of people over one night in the middle of August.  We laid out sleeping bags and were laying in a row watching the Perseids meteor shower.  All of my kids were there and we were laughing, especially since I missed every meteor.  Every time someone yelled, "There's one!" and others agreed or ahhhhed, by the time I looked it was gone.  That observer part of me stood aside and thought this should be a moment of complete safety and joy.  But it wasn't.  Part of me was standing aside refusing to relax. Maybe I was reluctant to ever leave Mommy mode. I don't know.... 

Lately I have been feeling more connection.  I have been noticing a bit more laughter in my life.  I am not near the safe or joyful zone, but I'm closer.

We have news here.  My youngest is going to have a baby. Many things are changing, and I am re-experiencing some of the emotions I went through when I was first pregnant.  More later.

Sweet dreams!

Clare