Excruciating/Numbed/Necessary

I was expecting a week of Indian summer.  But today is dark and dismal.  It has been raining all day.  My mood matches.  I feel solemn and uninspired.

So...I listened to Brene Brown's first TED talk again.  I haven't heard it for awhile so I thought it would inspire me.  (Did you know she is training connection counselors...you should do it!)  Usuallty I just listen and respond emotionally.  This time I jotted down the phrases that jumped out at me.  Let's see where they take me.

power of vulnerability
call deep on my courage
expanded perception
excruciating vulnerability/necessary vulnerability/we numb vulnerability
birthplace of joy
to be worthy of love and connection
fear of disconnection
love without guarantee
the courage to be imperfect
we stop screaming and start listening

The excruciating -> necessary -> numbed vulnerability caught my imagination.  I often we say we numb our pain.  Maybe what I perceive as pain is truly vulnerability.  But the other thing I have heard her say is that vulnerability is the place of pain and grief and being alone...but it is also the birthplace of joy.  So I still need to work on identifying vulnerability, although I truly recognize the honest, open moments of true connection with others.  I guess I am learning.

A manager's position opened up in my company.  I really dithered about applying for it.  I wondered if I am too maverick, and maybe a little too flaky.  I took the Myers-Briggs (INFJ - although the J is very slight) and Strength's Finder  (in order:  Innovation, Problem Solving, Faith, Curiosity, Communication, Visionary, Teamwork).  I dithered some more.  It became a topic of conversation at the party I attended.  I allowed a man I had just met to compliment me and say I would make a good manager.  He said that even though I am quiet, I truly listen to people and everything I say is germaine.  And I swear I did not roll my eyes!!  (I get points for that!)  (And that sort of destroyed my security blanket notion that I am invisible...)

I finally relaxed and decided I would like to have the position, but if I wasn't selected, it was okay.  And so I applied.  I felt/feel very little emotion.  I am not nervous.  This is good for me!

But I am having another reaction.  Just to be open about what has been happening, last weekend we let our siblings know about this blog.  I wanted to talk to Mom about something, and suddenly realized she may know about this and they may start hanging up on me again...and that makes me sad and frightened.  And I wonder if I am creating an internal drama, which is typical for the child of an alcoholic.


So this is where I am today...More tomorrow...

Sweet dreams little sister,  Clare