The Invalid

Honey,

I don't want to travel to France to seek out the healers.  I want to go and train to become one.  I am open, and if way opens - I will go.  But a lot has to change in my life in order for that to happen - so we'll just leave that door wide, wide open!!

I read your post this morning, then watched my granddaughter all day, which gave me a lot of time to think about it.  My mind was flooded.  I hope I can get it all out coherently.

After I started Al Anon, I read a lot of codependency books.  Codependents tend to be overweight, and tend to be in helping professions.  We are often nurses or teachers.  It struck me that we are praised for being Mommy's little helper from an early age, either because mommy can't cope or because mommy can't cope with living with an alcoholic.  We step in and take on responsibilities within the family in order to be good.

Forcing this responsibility on our kids is a form of emotional incest.  I did it to my oldest.  I expected more of her because her dad was not around.  I recently put myself in her shoes, and felt an overwhelming sense of alone-ness.  I am so sorry.  I wish I could have do-overs.  I thought I was doing okay, because I never asked as much of her as was asked of me.  But I f***ed up, nonetheless.

When we were children, the adults were sick and got to act out.  Then we grew up and we got to be sick...

Because what came to me as I was pulling this apart is that the family alcoholic is really an invalid who needs special care.  But we pretend that they are fine, they are healthy, that everything is fine.  And so we grow up tending to an invalid, being very careful of their feelings, not doing anything to make things bad, or worse.  That is abusive.  But what is worse is the way we are treated if the alcoholic is set off.  It is all our fault.  We are not good.  We are not good enough.  And we deserve the punishment we get.  More abuse.  And as I am sure I wrote before, a casual survey of friends of my youngest who are overweight netted a 100% having been abused response.

I don't know if you have developed all your healthy habits to be skinny, or to conform.  The current standard of beauty is the undeveloped maiden.  Or the overly-buxom maiden, but maiden is important.  I am so overwhelmed with images of ideal bodies, that I can't sense what would be ideal for me - or even recognize healthy, I fear.

I used to be able to "astral project."  I could float out of my body and explore the ceiling or the room I was in.  And I am still a champion daydreamer.  It is my escape.  I am a modern day, female Walter Mitty!!

I really don't think it would help to ask the aunts and uncles.  I think everything is so repressed and denied.  Could you ever imagine Uncle B. admitting things that went on within his family?  I can't - especially since he is married to someone who was not part of all that.  If we had more contact though, I suspect we would begin to hear clues, pieces that fit together.

Off to bed with me, mornings come really early!

Love from Clare