Back in the swamp...

Clare,

What do you need to find your way through?
What can I do to help you?
We are meant to carry and assist each other at the toughest times...so what do you need?

I just watched the TED talks with Brene Brown again...
She talks about shame...The voice inside our head saying:
I am bad...
I am a mistake...
I am not good enough...
Who do I think I am?

All the while isolating us...
increasing our disconnect.
So we are back in the swamp of shame...
back to the groping to find our path...
back to the possibility of discovery and growth.

While I was listening I noticed several overlapping themes between Brown's talk and those from the DaVinci book...particularly for the whole-hearted person.
Dimonstrazione- the ability to take risks and learn from failure because of persistence and an acceptance of oneself
Sfumato- the willingness to embrace ambiguity and uncertainty
Connessione- the recognition and appreciation that we are all interconnected, interdependent

So, I am confused, I really felt as if I lived by DaVinci's principles...at least to some extent...but I definitely carry shame and keep myself emotionally isolated...so I have a lot of interior work to do.

So I need to really open myself to being seen...and learn to be comfortable with all of my faults.
Does that mean that I need to have a public confession of my faults? (Can you detect my Catholic upbringing?) Or can I simply be seen and discovered...one layer at a time? Perhaps I don't have to control the reveal...allow others to discover me at their own pace and comfort level.

I went outside today to a humid, hot day...but it smelled so good. The corn fields smell so sweet right now. Despite the heat and my allergies I spent most of the day outside. I walked the dogs. Then I hiked to the North Lookout of Hawk Mountain and just sat, soaking up the peace and beauty. This evening I spent an hour with my horses. They were so sweaty I hosed them off instead of brushing them. I think they were appreciative. It is just so calming to look into their eyes, stroke their long neck and back and nuzzle their nose to mine. I am grateful for days like this.
I am settling into this pattern of less external demands on my time. I think that I am becoming reacquainted with flexibility.

I think it would have been very interesting if you and S#4 had co-habitated. She is so very different from you. Your lives would be very different now if you had followed that path.
When my kids were young, especially the girls, I trusted no one with them. Even husband was under scrutiny. After they were a little older, and I lived closer to S#3 I trusted her enough to allow her to babysit and husband and I could go out for a short period of time. I wonder if that would have been different if more of us lived geographically close? I doubt it. We were told, with no uncertainty, that our parents were not babysitting for us. I felt badly leaving daughter#2 with them for several hours when she was about 7 years old. The sad thing is that she once told a friend of mine that this was one of most enjoyable memories...she loved being there with them.
I don't remember if I shared what my oldest said on vacation. She told me that as she laid on the beach a family walked and played nearby. There were three generations together, enjoying each other's company. She said that she suddenly felt sad because she has never said to herself, "I wish my grandparents were here with me." My kids didn't get attention from either set of grandparents. One of my biggest worries is that when they have their own children they won't feel the need to gather 3 generations to share in vacations and holidays and in everyday life...the example was not set for them.

So, what can I do to help you? Please let me know.
I will hold you in the Light, as always.
Blessings,
Maggie
PS- if you can copy and paste that cartoon about blossoming I would love to use it in future talks.