The Dreamer?

I am not amazed that we never saw B#2's suicide coming.  Why would we?  He was on the west coast, the rest of us in the eastern half of the country.  We never spoke - whether things were good or bad.  I stayed in touch with his ex, and she didn't say anything worrisome.  So, I was surprised.

I did wonder about his angry email before Dad's birthday party- about Dad making us leave when we were 18, about being homeless for a while, which I never knew.  But although I responded, offering to listen, I was surprised when his ex called and told me he was in the psyche-ward.

Just one little detail that tore at me a little...when his ex's sons were 18, he made them leave.  Instead of learning compassion, he was as angry as Dad.

The story with Aunt S., as I remember it, was that she found a lump in her breast.  She went in for a biopsy and came out of the OR with both breasts gone, and the cancer was already in her liver.  Her cancer was aggressive and fast-moving.  She only lived another 6 months.  I never knew Mom's sibs were buying marijuana.  That is so amazing, that they were so open-minded.  I guess compassion will do that for you.

I have wondered which of our generation will go first.  I thought about it as I watched the grandparent generation disappear one by one, now the parents.  I know we are queuing.  It is a morbid thought, but my strongest wish/prayer is simply that none of my kids die before me.  And now, grandkids, too.

I just talked to S#3.  Mom and Dad visited B#4 last weekend, and didn't call, didn't make an effort to see her or her kids.  She felt it was an insult, and said she feels like she is the bottom guy on the totem pole.  Then she said, there are a few of us she is close to, and she keeps us close.  The rest - eh...I think that's how the family will go.  We're not even connected with Mom and Dad here.  I certainly don't expect to be more connected after they go...unless someone begins remembering the abuse, and the stories come out and we get vulnerable together.

Hey, someone has to be the dreamer.

I like your list of article topics.  It sounds like exciting work.  And the freedom to write is exciting!

I read an article today about self confidence.  It said that people with low self confidence are better employees.  Then it defined people with high self confidence as being arrogant.  I was thinking that people who seem to have high self confidence are often pretending, because they don't believe in themselves.  Then I started thinking that we need to redefine all of the words we use to define each other.  We need to look at the source of pain that affects the way we go forward into the world.

I have just started talking the baby for a walk, now that she can sit up in her stroller, after I finish work.  I'm hoping it will become a habit.  We are doing about a mile and a half.  I need to get that up.  I just never got back into a good rhythm in any area of my life after the wrist/C-sec weekend.

I love you.  Thank you for being here.

Clare