MAYBEMaybemaybe

I don't know what I need.  I don't know how to ask.  I have been thinking, with Me, too...what message, what contact do I need?  So that is the logical question that goes with this week.  If I can figure out what would soothe me, bring me back into balance, then I will know what to offer others in the future.

I can't let someone else lead.  There's no one else to do it.  I haven't let anyone get close enough.  I think it's the trust issue you have described with your children.  Who can we trust to understand us?  And to treat us fairly and kindly?

My daughter-in-law called.  They had a fight last night and their son came out of his room and witnessed some of it.  He has been hearing it for all these years, but maybe, by running out, he can help them see they are not only damaging each other - they are damaging their children.  Maybe by finding the courage to face them at their worst, he will help them take the first step toward finding peace - either together or apart.  I love them all, I don't want the marriage to end - but if it has to, in order for everyone to survive and maybe even start healing, then so be it.  I told her they can heal, but only if they change.  They have to get help.

(When she said he came running out screaming, I thought of you sitting up in the dark confronting B#1.  Maybe this precious boy will be the catalyst for change.  Hold them all in the Light, please.)

She said she can't do it alone.  I told her to quit her job and come to me.  I am serious.  I love them passionately, but something has to change.  It all started from the wounds from their families of origin, but it has grown and almost consumed the two of them.  And since I am not there, I can't tell what is happening.

They need to come home.  Raising kids alone can drive anyone mad.  But when you are already in great pain, raising kids alone has to be excruciating.

So I am leaving messages for my beautiful son, and hoping I can have some time to really talk to him and see what his version is...knowing that the truth is always somewhere in the middle.

Because I mentioned Patch Adams earlier this week, I started rereading his book.  He thinks life should be fun, and that we can choose happiness.  I agree with him to a point.  But what am I doing right now?  Am I choosing to wallow in the swamp...because it's familiar, because it's warm-ish, because if I'm camouflaged in slime no one will notice me?  Am I choosing emotional?  But all this emotion is different than in the past.  In the past when I got sad/depressed - I froze.  I couldn't react, I felt dead.  Now I am crying.  Everything makes me feel - a lot of the feelings are bad, but by god, I am feeling.  I really didn't consider this before I started writing.

Maybe I am finally crying because I know you are there, just in case I start to drown...

Maybe I should glory in the pain and the tears.  They are real and I have so much to cry about.  Maybe I should be happy that I am so sad.  (Logic warring with emotion = just a little mad!!)  And maybe releasing these tears will make room for the funny/silly/joyful - maybe it can be more than a glimmer.  Maybe...maybe...

Thoughts about your workshop:  in AVP we play a game called Barometer.  We make a gauge on the floor - we indicate a point about 25%, 50%, and 73% of the way across the floor.  Then you ask a question, and everyone goes and stands at the appropriate place on the floor.  It is a way of playing Me, too.  Everyone near you shares your experience.  So some of the questions could be - Have you ever... and some could be - What do you think about...  Getting up and moving can be fun and community building.

Marco!!

Clare