Blossoming is blissful

I wanted family for the rough times, but also to make the fun times more fun.  But I did not really want to live close to Mom and Dad, mostly because Dad was so mean so much of the time.  That was his signal that he had enough forced family fun.  Lash out with cruel words.  He threatened to shoot me once.

"Thanks, Dad - I love you too."

 Like that's normal.  I just repeated the threat and looked at him.  The next day he said it was because he was allergic to my dog, who had to sleep in the car. Her was tiptoeing toward apology, but not really going the distance. Apparently her fur was on me.  Funny how other sibs brought their dogs and he didn't have an allergic reaction resulting in outbursts of hatred.  I think I'm still angry about this...I thought I laughed it off years ago...

I could imagine living near Mom, though.  Mostly I imagined living near siblings.  The first time I was working through the process of ending my marriage, I talked to S#4 about possibly renting a house together an raising kids together.  But, I got pregnant and thought the universe was telling me to try harder on my relationship.  Now I think that last kid knew it was "now or never" since I haven't been brave enough to have another relationship.

You know I like family history.  We are descended from two of the Mayflower families.  They came here to escape religious persecution.  And they immediately began to persecute others who did not conform to their religious beliefs.  These were not noble, healthy, loving people.  I think the underlying Puritanism of this country stems directly from their damaged, hate-filled approach to the world.

I am having a rough day.  I simply don't see way through right now.  I feel so sad, sad through my whole being.  I want so much, and I can't see way through.  I feel hopeless - like this is it for the rest of my life.  Nothing is ever going to change.

I recommend you make your workshop interactive, make it a Me, too experience.

I saw a cartoon today that hit home.  The graphic was a young woman sitting cross-legged before a flower, meditating.

She asks:  How can I blossom?
The flower responds:  The shell that protects you has to break open.
She asks: Does that hurt?
The flower says:  Holding onto the shell hurts.  Blossoming is blissful.

Maybe today's hopelessness is me hanging onto the shell.  Maybe it has been opening and I am terrified of the Light...Maybe...

I love you,

Clare