Possibilities

I like the way you cleared it all up - your explanations are concise and spot on.  I often said I was born and bred to marry and alcoholic.  Sober men were not comprehensible - or my personal joke was that they were just too healthy for me.  But in your terms, I was groomed to marry an alcoholic, to seek out the comfort of the familiar.

I always go back to my core belief - humans are good, humans are kind, humans are intelligent.  But violence destroys humanity, and leaves only pain in its wake.  All of the hurt we cause stems directly from numbing the pain.   All addictions.  We need to uncover the pain and soothe those who suffer - which is most of us.

In thinking your flash of memory - perhaps there was a layer of - "They are just like us.  She's okay,  so I'm okay."  I also think there is our family pattern of not having the sense to protect yourself.  I was raped, partially because I was careless.  I should have been paying more attention to what was going on around me.  But I had never been taught that I was worth protecting, and so I had no idea how to protect myself.  I fear this might still be true, and that may be why I have never gone into another relationship...

I was reading a deep description of the rape culture we live in.  If this was different, I would not have had to be careful.. The world would be safe.  But instead, as I read last night, we live in a world where any woman, anywhere - if she's walking alone, especially at night, and hears footsteps behind her, feels fear.  I wonder how many men can imagine feeling fear just while walking.

I have been thinking about Patch Adams.  I had a chance to hear him speak once at the university, and he's been at a few of the herb conferences I attended in the way past.  He has established The Gesundheit Institute, a free hospital that does not accept insurance, where humor is medicine and Me, too is a way of life, a source of healing.  He said when they have a bulemic throwing up in a stall, others join in and force themselves to throw up.  They try to make sure those in pain never feel alone or like a freak.

I started imagining the possibilities - the possibilities where a tantrum or a fit of violence becomes funny or clear - not where other wounded individuals join in and gang rape the world or whatever victim is handy.  If I was yelling at my kids, what would stop me?  An audience, for sure.  But that would have caused shame and more pain.  Kind words?  A strong person to silently witness me - I'm sure a witness would have stopped me, made me self aware...

This is why we need community.  One adult should not be solely responsible for a passel of young'uns!

What if I had had a sister across the street?  I could run outside and yell, "These kids are driving me crazy!"  And you all could have come and done the crazy dance and made me laugh and rescued my babies for a few hours.  We all would have been healthy.

Instead I was strong, I did it alone.  Everyone told me I was magnificent and powerful and amazing.  Maybe I wasn't.  Maybe I was too weak to ask for help...

So my mind is twirling, and I'll dance off for the night.

I love you!!

Clare