Taking it easy today

Clare,

I had a meeting with my new, part-time boss today. It is the writing opportunity for social workers. I have called the opportunity Advocacy Through Awareness. The opportunity allows me to write about social justice issues that are current, as long as they don't go against the opinion of the Board of Directors.

I offered a list of brainstormed topics, which were all deemed acceptable. I proposed stress and disease, resilience, the culture of rape, veterans' incarceration and suicide rates, global warming and its consequences for social work, genetics and epigenetics, female reproductive health care rights...among others. I am excited about this, even if it is very part time. I was told that as funding increases my responsibilities can also increase.

I am trying to take it easy today. I skipped my walk, which has my dogs quite frustrated. I hope that it helps me to fell better more quickly.

I am going to walk a 10 K with my daughter#2 while daughter#1 runs a half-marathon in November. I walk about 3 miles daily, sometimes up to 5 miles. If I do go more than 3 miles it is usually split into 2 walks in the day. Well two weeks ago I got the brilliant idea that I should add some running to my walk, so I added about 1/4 mile runs interspersed with the walking. I got to the point that I would do this 3 times during a walk and now my knee is NOT happy. I have always stopped running because of knee pain. I don't know why I thought this would be different. So I am back to just walking. It is a habit in my life and one that I enjoy very much. I stopped walking when I was depressed, that made it even worse.

I know that line about everyone appeared well adjusted sounds naive. But if you look superficially at our family, we do seem to be normal, average citizens. I don't think that any of us know the extent to which the others struggle and suffer. That's probably the saddest part of our family legacy, we are so disconnected from each other (and ourselves) that we cannot possible reach out to support another. We are too isolated to reach out, too independent to admit need, too embarrassed to speak our truths. I have heard stories from several of our siblings about another's struggles and am amazed how well they hide their difficulties. We all do it. We were trained to do it. It's all about being a "good soldier".
It is amazing that none of us saw B#2's suicide attempt coming...
that he never reached out because we don't know what is happening in each other's lives...
I wonder if her feared being ignored or rejected despite his plea for assistance. We've seen that scenario play through too.

Even now, with B#4 battling cancer, it is the same pattern. I did not know that he was receiving chemo until this weekend's email. Last time I heard anything he was going for consultation but that he doubted he would require chemo.

I am left wondering at what point Mom's sister reached out to ask for assistance when she was terminal with breast cancer. I know that the siblings and Grammy were all assembled near the end, but how much did they all know prior to that? Did she keep the severity of her diagnosis secret until the end was inevitable? I remember Mom and her sister going to the house and helping her. Once Mom even explained that they were buying marijuana for her to battle the effects of the chemo, it's funny in retrospect though because she seemed really embarrassed to tell me that. I just don't remember the time frame in which all of that occurred.
I wonder which of us will be the first to die...of our siblings, I mean. I feel strange asking that, almost a little too morbid.

I wonder what death the death of our parents will do to our cohesiveness.

Husband's family rarely gets together now that his parents are dead. We are spending this Thanksgiving with his brother's family but this is the first time that we are getting together for an extended period of time in many years. We attended their son's graduation party in August and joked about doing Thanksgiving at the beach. Suddenly we are planning it. I am actually looking forward to it, maybe we are establishing a new family tradition.

Maybe it's time to reconnect...at least that family is a safer place than ours for me.
I am glad that we are connected.
I thank the universe for that on a daily basis.
Love and Light,
Maggie