You warned us both, back at the beginning of this journey, that we would spiral, we would hit the same issues over and over, but always from a fresh perspective. And it is happening...
I read and reread your last two posts, trying to understand why I was having such a deep, profound reaction. I think I have identified some of it. And then I had this long train of thought this afternoon, which I will try to share...
You used one of those Catholic code phrases - offer it up...when we are suffering, we should offer it us so that our pain makes us better and stronger. That triggered emotion. I saw something earlier today...
The cartoon had a drawing of a little boy talking to his daddy. The caption: Dear Father, I am unworthy to be called your child. Let me be your servant to do your will. Use me as your servant. Take my mind. Take my heart. Take my body. Take my life. I am nothing, so consume me for your purpose and your glory, even though I am the worst person in the world.
(https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151839176955155&set=a.496176595154.294030.8798180154&type=1&theater)
So it's exaggerated to make a point, but it is the mindset forced on us by the church. Our acceptance of this leads us to believe we are only worthy of rape. And "offer it up." is part of it. I definitely recoil from those words.
The other words that riled me were "our sense of entitlement to suffer." I know that is the essence of victimhood. Your words were powerful. They stunned me.
One last thought you inspired..."let go of that deep suffering." I read. I read again. I let it settle, and what emerged was - transform that deep suffering. Not sure exactly what it means, but it feels right. Don't just let it go, but use it as a force for good and for healing...
So, I was thinking about suffering this afternoon, trying to simplify it so I can wrap my head around it. And I thought of breaking my wrist. It is he only time in my adult life, and in my conscious memory, that I have ever broken a bone. And it hurt. A lot! And sometimes I could not sleep at night because it hurt. So I just laid in the dark, getting what rest I could because I had to work early the next morning. That was suffering. But somehow it felt okay. The pain is natural after breaking a bone.
But what if someone I knew and loved and trusted had broken my bone on purpose - deliberately snapped my wrist? That is not natural. How do we analyze that pain? How do we live with it.
I don't think rape is a natural part of human existence or the human psychology. I think that is why we get so lost in the suffering. We didn't evolve with rape...am I making any sense?
Nonetheless, I broke my wrist. I still hurts sometimes - not like it used to. I can use it for most things, although not always perfectly. I was told that I will probably never have complete flexibility and I will probably have arthritis in that hand. Right now I am still not prepared to run around with a bunch of young children, but I bet it will happen again as I heal and regain my confidence...somehow this all made sense in relation to suffering earlier today. Right now, it's late, I'm tired and it's not quite making sense!!
I'll keep at it, though.
I love you!!
Clare
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