How's the dog? I hope the vet has an easy solution.
As I read your description of the swirling energy, I suddenly glimpsed the bigger picture - for just a brief second I saw your sons, the two of them side by side, working together, as your wise teachers. Without them, you may never have had this potential energy release. Now you just have to let go, trust and blow it out your yellow chakra. Maybe visualize being a whale, and place the yellow chakra at the blow hole...ah the release...let it all go, release it and see how beautiful all your energy is...it's a gift...
Sorry. It's been an off day, a weird day. I could not sleep last night. I finally gave up at about 4:30 and got out of bed. I was so tired, I started crying. I have never done that before - walked around getting ready for work while crying. I was a little concerned for myself. I feel more balanced now, and I am exhausted. I think I will sleep tonight.
Another reaction I had while I read your last post was to this:
It is a shame that most of us wait until we are feeble or ill or unable to take care of ourselves before we ask or accept assistance.
I don't think we ask or accept. I think we are pissed off, furious, humiliated. We see ourselves as weak and worthless. I don't know many people who were gracious and loving. But the few who were knew the art of give and take. I think we touched on this before - but we can't give unless someone accepts. I am a great giver. I will give up almost anything to anyone who asks. But I will not receive. I find it the ultimate humiliation to have to ask for help. You touched on the concept of being good little soldiers. Apt for a bunch of army-brats, I think.
How do we teach our kids to give if we can't accept - truly, graciously accept with honor for the whole process? We did a lot of volunteer work as a family, and so mine are good at giving. But we are not good at being vulnerable with each other and asking for help.
My eldest stopped by just to spend time with me while I was babysitting the little one yesterday. My oldest is so practical, yet loving, and she is wiser all of the time. She kind of got on me about remembering to take care of myself. I can't accept, I guess, even from myself. Recurring theme here and in my life...whiiiiiiineee.
I had a strange dream two nights ago. There was a group of people, I knew everyone well, in my kitchen. We all had finger puppets on many fingers. I had at least four. But the one I was at the time was Dolly Parton. As we were standing there talking about our selves, a huge, perfect preying mantid flew in and got caught in a spider web above our heads. I was watching it spin, thinking about what I should do, when an even larger, perfect grasshopper flew in and landed on the mantid, holding it perfectly still. It did not attempt to hurt it or eat it...and I woke up.
I have been having grasshopper encounters all summer. Twice in one day, I had a grasshopper leap from in front of me and circle around in a wide arc and land directly behind me. Then, another day, one landed on my cheek. So I know they want my attention. I read that they are the Chinese sign of fortune and good luck. But then why is it behind me? Should I be looking back? Grasshopper people don't move forward like others. They seem to sit still then make huge leaps forward.
So, I am quite tired. I hope you are serene and strong and enjoying the energy rush...prepare for release!!
Love you - every day!!
Clare
Monday, September 30, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
surrendering to interdependence
Numbing...
We all do it...some more than others.
We all have triggers that set it into motion.
It's interesting...I can see myself falling into the patterns of busy-ness and sugar/fat consumption with the current stress with my boys. So if he is numbing it is having a ripple effect.
I have a few hunches about what is bothering him...but he isn't ready to talk about it. I am waiting for an opening to raise some tough questions. I have tried and he goes in other directions, so I know he's not ready yet. Patience.
The 'Thonners' collected over $1200 yesterday. They were really fun to host. They laughed and talked and just brought a really good energy to the house this weekend. I hope they come back again.
I was talking to a friend this morning about a topic he has been asked to discuss at a public event. He has been asked to compare and contrast the life-tasks of individuality and autonomy, specifically at adolescence and old age.
I have been thinking about that today.
I wonder what it would have been like to grow in a household that supported through adolescence. How my life would be different if I hadn't been so quick to make choices, to have the courage to follow my heart, find my leadings.
I chose to overachieve because it got me recognition and gave me a sense of importance and identity. I chose a very practical path to success, rather than exploring options that might have served my life better.
But, you can't change the past.
I pointed out to my friend that many people struggle to surrender their independence as they age because they don't see the value of interdependence. They see asking for help, being publicly vulnerable as a negative. I used myself as an example. I would be so much stronger if I could admit my weaknesses. It is a shame that most of us wait until we are feeble or ill or unable to take care of ourselves before we ask or accept assistance.
Wouldn't it be a different world if we could ask for help even as young adults. How raising children would change if young parents could reach out and say, "I'm not sure how to handle this situation" or "I need 30 minutes for myself". How many professionals would be more effective if they could collaborate and work collectively towards a goal rather than posturing or sabotaging to look better than their coworkers. I know that I sound naive. I just wish the world could be different. I wish that I could be different in some ways.
When my massage therapist friend told me that my energy was swirling with no clear path out I understood that she was making a statement larger than my neck pain. I think that my next challenge is to release all of this energy. To break through that yellow chakra...to put my own will aside and surrender. That's the only way that I can find true release. I am wondering if Reiki or energy medicine would help...or do I have to find this outlet on my own? It's probably going to be up to me at this point...nothing at this level is easy.
I just found my dog lying in a puddle of urine. She was incontinent and didn't realize it. I wonder if the phenobarb is doing this, or if it is something else. She has been showing progressive weakness and/or incoordination this past week. Like, she normally stands up on her back legs to greet me. When she tried to do that yesterday her back end collapsed. She was able to try again and do it. She also is having trouble moving from the backseat of the car to the front which she has done for years when we get to the school trail for a walk. I am afraid of what is happening to her.
Back to the vet tomorrow.
I hope that you had a comfortable First Day.
I love you,
Maggie
We all do it...some more than others.
We all have triggers that set it into motion.
It's interesting...I can see myself falling into the patterns of busy-ness and sugar/fat consumption with the current stress with my boys. So if he is numbing it is having a ripple effect.
I have a few hunches about what is bothering him...but he isn't ready to talk about it. I am waiting for an opening to raise some tough questions. I have tried and he goes in other directions, so I know he's not ready yet. Patience.
The 'Thonners' collected over $1200 yesterday. They were really fun to host. They laughed and talked and just brought a really good energy to the house this weekend. I hope they come back again.
I was talking to a friend this morning about a topic he has been asked to discuss at a public event. He has been asked to compare and contrast the life-tasks of individuality and autonomy, specifically at adolescence and old age.
I have been thinking about that today.
I wonder what it would have been like to grow in a household that supported through adolescence. How my life would be different if I hadn't been so quick to make choices, to have the courage to follow my heart, find my leadings.
I chose to overachieve because it got me recognition and gave me a sense of importance and identity. I chose a very practical path to success, rather than exploring options that might have served my life better.
But, you can't change the past.
I pointed out to my friend that many people struggle to surrender their independence as they age because they don't see the value of interdependence. They see asking for help, being publicly vulnerable as a negative. I used myself as an example. I would be so much stronger if I could admit my weaknesses. It is a shame that most of us wait until we are feeble or ill or unable to take care of ourselves before we ask or accept assistance.
Wouldn't it be a different world if we could ask for help even as young adults. How raising children would change if young parents could reach out and say, "I'm not sure how to handle this situation" or "I need 30 minutes for myself". How many professionals would be more effective if they could collaborate and work collectively towards a goal rather than posturing or sabotaging to look better than their coworkers. I know that I sound naive. I just wish the world could be different. I wish that I could be different in some ways.
When my massage therapist friend told me that my energy was swirling with no clear path out I understood that she was making a statement larger than my neck pain. I think that my next challenge is to release all of this energy. To break through that yellow chakra...to put my own will aside and surrender. That's the only way that I can find true release. I am wondering if Reiki or energy medicine would help...or do I have to find this outlet on my own? It's probably going to be up to me at this point...nothing at this level is easy.
I just found my dog lying in a puddle of urine. She was incontinent and didn't realize it. I wonder if the phenobarb is doing this, or if it is something else. She has been showing progressive weakness and/or incoordination this past week. Like, she normally stands up on her back legs to greet me. When she tried to do that yesterday her back end collapsed. She was able to try again and do it. She also is having trouble moving from the backseat of the car to the front which she has done for years when we get to the school trail for a walk. I am afraid of what is happening to her.
Back to the vet tomorrow.
I hope that you had a comfortable First Day.
I love you,
Maggie
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Negotiate
I would be a little worried that your explosion had so little effect on your son. I have to ask whether he is really into the drama - he doesn't feel alive unless he is drawing all the attention in such a negative way - or if he is really into addiction and is desperate for a numb. When he sneaks out of his window, where is he going? Is he meeting friends? Is he leaving? Is he alone?
Just as a crazy thought...he wants to change the rules, then negotiate. Let him help set the rules, get to a place where you all agree. Let him set the repercussions for if he fails to honor his word. But he has to justify all of his arguments. He has to do some research and prove his standard is okay. You have to do the same. Then you compromise until everyone is comfortable.
I negotiated with mine all the time. I used to get so sick of it, and want to scream, "Just do what I say!" But when we negotiated the rules, they tended to honor them. So things were calm-ish-er. But now they are all adults, and all struggle with alcohol. And I worry a lot. Sometimes I feel like this family will never emerge from the swamp...
And the "everyone else's parents" argument. Oh vomit. Have him ask a range of other kids. Or ask a health teacher to do it as a unit on safety or some such. Maybe all of the kids should do some comparing. It might be eye opening. He might discover he has more freedom than he thought. And if he is still hanging out with older kids, of course they have fewer rules - or no rules. Their parents are no longer legally responsible for stupid shit those kids pull. No one has to come bail them out - they are on their own.
Another aspect of that might be considering the teen behavior of someone you/he/I/we admire. How much freedom were they allowed? How much did they take? I remember being shocked when I found one of the coolest, most intelligent, really counter-culture activists I knew never smoked pot. It made me think about expectations. That could be part of the school project! And you know, it could be the other side of Me Too!
What is he numbing?
I wish I knew what I was numbing.
I put the baby in the stroller, the dog on a leash and we walked for about 3 miles today. The baby slept most of the way. The dog and I saw grasshoppers and chipmunks and deer. It was good for me, and a calm way to spend an afternoon.
Hope you did something relaxing. Hope the thonners made a mint!
Love you, and hugs to you all -
Clare
Just as a crazy thought...he wants to change the rules, then negotiate. Let him help set the rules, get to a place where you all agree. Let him set the repercussions for if he fails to honor his word. But he has to justify all of his arguments. He has to do some research and prove his standard is okay. You have to do the same. Then you compromise until everyone is comfortable.
I negotiated with mine all the time. I used to get so sick of it, and want to scream, "Just do what I say!" But when we negotiated the rules, they tended to honor them. So things were calm-ish-er. But now they are all adults, and all struggle with alcohol. And I worry a lot. Sometimes I feel like this family will never emerge from the swamp...
And the "everyone else's parents" argument. Oh vomit. Have him ask a range of other kids. Or ask a health teacher to do it as a unit on safety or some such. Maybe all of the kids should do some comparing. It might be eye opening. He might discover he has more freedom than he thought. And if he is still hanging out with older kids, of course they have fewer rules - or no rules. Their parents are no longer legally responsible for stupid shit those kids pull. No one has to come bail them out - they are on their own.
Another aspect of that might be considering the teen behavior of someone you/he/I/we admire. How much freedom were they allowed? How much did they take? I remember being shocked when I found one of the coolest, most intelligent, really counter-culture activists I knew never smoked pot. It made me think about expectations. That could be part of the school project! And you know, it could be the other side of Me Too!
What is he numbing?
I wish I knew what I was numbing.
I put the baby in the stroller, the dog on a leash and we walked for about 3 miles today. The baby slept most of the way. The dog and I saw grasshoppers and chipmunks and deer. It was good for me, and a calm way to spend an afternoon.
Hope you did something relaxing. Hope the thonners made a mint!
Love you, and hugs to you all -
Clare
trouble focusing
I am not sure that we have had an opportunity to make serious headway into the issues with my son. We did have a great opportunity to talk on Thursday and things seemed to be settling down. But then last night he got caught sneaking out a window. He is so angry. I wish he would just understand that rules have purpose. He thinks the solution is to relax the rules so that he won't actually be breaking them when he stays out late or smokes and drinks. He tried the line' "other people's parents aren't as strict". I know that he needs limits, but I am tiring of being the policeman. I had husband talk to him about the grounding punishment this time.
I can project far enough into the future and believe that he will look back and see that all of this was for his benefit. I have seen it happen many times before with others' children. I just hate that I am immersed in the nonsense now. He is worth the effort, so I will remain strong.
I spent my day feeding and cleaning up after the Thon team. It has really been a pleasure though, they are very appreciative and so excited about what they are doing. They came back a few minutes ago and they are all huddled, counting their money for the day.
I am having trouble focusing, I suddenly feel tired after I sat down here. I am not sure which direction to write in. I will pick a theme tomorrow. Until then,
Maggie
Friday, September 27, 2013
What a pain in the neck!?!?
Ah, so life is a pain in the neck? Or at least yesterday was a pain in the neck! What all, in all of your life, would you classify as being a pain in the neck? Just playing with words! I had the impression your energy was swirling with nowhere to go because you/we are caught between generations. Which is the way out? Is there a path to health? If there was, we'd go - I'd go, I think, in a heartbeat!
I was impressed with your oldest's efforts to raise money for cancer research last year. I admire her dedication. I hope she makes it into the marathon this year.
I had a long day of work, so not as much free, outdoor time as is healthy for me. So I am the wrong kind of tired. I am not sure if I mentioned that I have our niece's chihuahua here for a few months, but today I bathed him, then started knitting him a sweater. I feel a bit ridiculous. But this is the first time I have tried knitting since last spring. I am excited.
You are right for recognizing how difficult it is to parent alone. Thank you for seeing it. It was tedious as much as it was joyful. There was no one to talk to - no one who was a passionate about my children as I was. And so I was incredibly lonely. My single friends were clueless, my married friends didn't understand the balance, my single mommy friends were plain exhausted. I had one friend who understood, but she was busy, too...she is still one of my best-loved friends. I am grateful for her.
I don't know if I was as healthy as possible. It might have been better to have a partner. But how does one go about finding a member of the family and skip the trial and error - which is where everyone gets hurt...
It sounded like today was the calm after the storm. Did it feel like there was a chance to go deep? It sounded like you and your older son managed to talk a little. Do you feel closer? More intimate? How much was their dad involved?
I love hanging my sheets outside to dry. After I make the bed it's like sleeping on sunshine. One the nicest pleasures in my life!
I am exhausted. It has been a long week...and tomorrow I babysit. If you ever want to come for a weekend, let me know...we're doing a contradance at meetinghouse next month...wanna come dance with me?
Love and smiles and hugs and kisses,
Clare
I was impressed with your oldest's efforts to raise money for cancer research last year. I admire her dedication. I hope she makes it into the marathon this year.
I had a long day of work, so not as much free, outdoor time as is healthy for me. So I am the wrong kind of tired. I am not sure if I mentioned that I have our niece's chihuahua here for a few months, but today I bathed him, then started knitting him a sweater. I feel a bit ridiculous. But this is the first time I have tried knitting since last spring. I am excited.
You are right for recognizing how difficult it is to parent alone. Thank you for seeing it. It was tedious as much as it was joyful. There was no one to talk to - no one who was a passionate about my children as I was. And so I was incredibly lonely. My single friends were clueless, my married friends didn't understand the balance, my single mommy friends were plain exhausted. I had one friend who understood, but she was busy, too...she is still one of my best-loved friends. I am grateful for her.
I don't know if I was as healthy as possible. It might have been better to have a partner. But how does one go about finding a member of the family and skip the trial and error - which is where everyone gets hurt...
It sounded like today was the calm after the storm. Did it feel like there was a chance to go deep? It sounded like you and your older son managed to talk a little. Do you feel closer? More intimate? How much was their dad involved?
I love hanging my sheets outside to dry. After I make the bed it's like sleeping on sunshine. One the nicest pleasures in my life!
I am exhausted. It has been a long week...and tomorrow I babysit. If you ever want to come for a weekend, let me know...we're doing a contradance at meetinghouse next month...wanna come dance with me?
Love and smiles and hugs and kisses,
Clare
A new day
Yesterday was painful. I had incredible pain in my head and neck...most likely a combination of my sneezing, wheezing and screaming the day before. I literally laid alternately on the couch and floor trying to find relief. I finally gave up about 12:30 and called a friend who is a massage therapist. I see her regularly because my neck is chronically in spasm. She agreed to see me at 3:30. When I got there she told me I looked like s**t and worked on my shoulders and neck for an hour. By the time I left I had relief, and by the evening the pain was gone. Thank God for healers. She told me that my energy was swirling and didn't know which direction to flow...kind of like me.
Today is better. I taught this morning. Then I grocery shopped. Then cleaned the house, trying to get as much cat hair out as possible for my 13 college women who are visiting for the weekend. The ladies are canning for Thon...a yearly fundraiser for pediatric cancer research and family support. Last year daughter #1 raised $12 thousand with a friend. Now she's chairing the fitness instructors' group to raise money for this year. She really wants to dance in the marathon in February.
The boys are more settled today. Last night son#1 told me he's never seen me that angry. I told him that I even scared myself by the burst of anger, but that I meant what I said. He seems settled with it all. Son #2 had a better day yesterday. He played half of the football game and made no errors. Unfortunately I didn't see the game because of my headache.
I have seen many women choose a man over their children, it is sad. When I was separated and dating I tried very hard to not let that happen. It is a real temptation though. Think about it...there is someone new in your life who is really interested in you, wants to be with you, likes to talk with you, wants to spend time just being with you...and then you have kids who want challenge you on a regular basis. There really is a battle that you fight. I think it is a rare dating partner/stepparent who can accept being less of a priority than the kids. We were raised to see kids as less worthy than adults. I give you credit for avoiding that pull to replace your ex-husband with another man. It isn't easy living alone, raising kids by yourself. That's years of tedious, frustrating mommy-ing. I am not sure that I could do it.
I hope that you are enjoying this beautiful day. I took my dogs for a walk and it was sunny and 70 degrees...just perfect. I hung my bedspreads outside and they smell SO good. I am even making bread dough for sweet rolls. Life is good today.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Today is better. I taught this morning. Then I grocery shopped. Then cleaned the house, trying to get as much cat hair out as possible for my 13 college women who are visiting for the weekend. The ladies are canning for Thon...a yearly fundraiser for pediatric cancer research and family support. Last year daughter #1 raised $12 thousand with a friend. Now she's chairing the fitness instructors' group to raise money for this year. She really wants to dance in the marathon in February.
The boys are more settled today. Last night son#1 told me he's never seen me that angry. I told him that I even scared myself by the burst of anger, but that I meant what I said. He seems settled with it all. Son #2 had a better day yesterday. He played half of the football game and made no errors. Unfortunately I didn't see the game because of my headache.
I have seen many women choose a man over their children, it is sad. When I was separated and dating I tried very hard to not let that happen. It is a real temptation though. Think about it...there is someone new in your life who is really interested in you, wants to be with you, likes to talk with you, wants to spend time just being with you...and then you have kids who want challenge you on a regular basis. There really is a battle that you fight. I think it is a rare dating partner/stepparent who can accept being less of a priority than the kids. We were raised to see kids as less worthy than adults. I give you credit for avoiding that pull to replace your ex-husband with another man. It isn't easy living alone, raising kids by yourself. That's years of tedious, frustrating mommy-ing. I am not sure that I could do it.
I hope that you are enjoying this beautiful day. I took my dogs for a walk and it was sunny and 70 degrees...just perfect. I hung my bedspreads outside and they smell SO good. I am even making bread dough for sweet rolls. Life is good today.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Always
Oh Honey,
If I lived closer, I coulda, woulda offered a hug, a shoulder and a cup of chamomile tea - unless you wanted a shot of the vodka!
Sometimes losing it is a good thing. They need to know that you do have limits and that you are passionate about them. My oldest son had an older friend who caused chaos every time he visited - which was frequently. When he was around, rules didn't seem to matter any more. I would lecture calmly, explain the rules, explain why we had the rules, explain what I expected...then one day I blew. He was afraid of me after that. (I rarely lose my temper, but apparently when I do it is monumental!) He did come back, but his behavior was more in line with what I expected. They were a bit younger than your son is, so maybe it doesn't compare exactly. But this was the kid who taught mine to smoke...not that he had to twist my son's arm, or anything.
Are things better today.? With your youngest, I do appreciate his crusading spirit. I think he has courage we rarely see. I do hope he finds a way to choose his battles and focus. That's part of what adolescence is all about.
Are you familiar with John McCutcheon? He is one of my favorite musicians, and he's a Friend, too. He wrote a song about his sons called The Room at the Top of the Stairs. There's a verse in the middle of the song that your day reminded me of...
There’s a room in our house at the top of the stairs
Now the door is shut tight
And the stereo blares
And you mother is worried about your young ears
No one has seen yourcarpet in years
And the hole in the wall that you made with your first
When the anger of aging was too much to resist
The long light of love cast its shadow in there
In that room at the top of the stair
You wondered how B#2 convinced his ex-wife to send her sons out of the home...to kick them out. I think it was forced, and I think it is still unforgiven. I think we have discussed Dr. Laura in the past. I always thought she was a bully, but some of her interpretations were spot on. She often challenged women who put men before their children. We make stupid choices in the name of "love". And then we regret. We don't really know, deep inside ourselves, that it is better to be alone than to be owned, or to be with someone who causes pain. We/I judge self on whether I am good enough to be accepted by a man, any man. So with a schizo blend of self-loathing and pride, I have stepped out of the meat market for years and years. Now that my kids are grown, I find I am a romance retard...I have no idea what to do! And so I stay home and make jelly and serve on committees. It's a life...
*I think S#5, like the rest of us sometimes, has an idealized vision of family. B#2 once said he thought we were all very close, it's just the distance that keeps us from spending much time together. That's his idealized vision. But we don't even pick up the phone to check in. I talked to him on the phone a few times years ago, and he would make me go get my bible and look up specific passages. Yeah, not interested in that violence...so, we are pretty separated...not at all close.
Maybe we are all low-men on the totem-pole. Maybe be jostling around in the swamp sort of together, occasionally we squeeze someone's head just a little higher than the rest!! Then we have the perception that they are higher than we are.
Being a bitch is different that being arrogant, I think. The arrogance I was trying to describe comes from people who really don't believe in themselves, and so behave in a high and mighty fashion, desperately trying to get someone else to believe, to validate. To me, that is not true self-confidence. But the author of the article I read defined that behavior as being self-confident. He was praising the person who was able to question himself.herself, labeling that as lower self-confidence. "Bitch" is a strong woman who doesn't care what kind of names people throw at her to make her behave like a good, quiet girl. To me, it's different.
But my point was more that we need to see the seed of behavior and stopping making assumptions. And we need new definitions so we see each other more clearly. I have this feeling that everything would change if we saw other's weaknesses - Me too!
Always share your tough days. Always.
Love,
Clare
If I lived closer, I coulda, woulda offered a hug, a shoulder and a cup of chamomile tea - unless you wanted a shot of the vodka!
Sometimes losing it is a good thing. They need to know that you do have limits and that you are passionate about them. My oldest son had an older friend who caused chaos every time he visited - which was frequently. When he was around, rules didn't seem to matter any more. I would lecture calmly, explain the rules, explain why we had the rules, explain what I expected...then one day I blew. He was afraid of me after that. (I rarely lose my temper, but apparently when I do it is monumental!) He did come back, but his behavior was more in line with what I expected. They were a bit younger than your son is, so maybe it doesn't compare exactly. But this was the kid who taught mine to smoke...not that he had to twist my son's arm, or anything.
Are things better today.? With your youngest, I do appreciate his crusading spirit. I think he has courage we rarely see. I do hope he finds a way to choose his battles and focus. That's part of what adolescence is all about.
Are you familiar with John McCutcheon? He is one of my favorite musicians, and he's a Friend, too. He wrote a song about his sons called The Room at the Top of the Stairs. There's a verse in the middle of the song that your day reminded me of...
There’s a room in our house at the top of the stairs
Now the door is shut tight
And the stereo blares
And you mother is worried about your young ears
No one has seen your
And the hole in the wall that you made with your first
When the anger of aging was too much to resist
The long light of love cast its shadow in there
In that room at the top of the stair
You wondered how B#2 convinced his ex-wife to send her sons out of the home...to kick them out. I think it was forced, and I think it is still unforgiven. I think we have discussed Dr. Laura in the past. I always thought she was a bully, but some of her interpretations were spot on. She often challenged women who put men before their children. We make stupid choices in the name of "love". And then we regret. We don't really know, deep inside ourselves, that it is better to be alone than to be owned, or to be with someone who causes pain. We/I judge self on whether I am good enough to be accepted by a man, any man. So with a schizo blend of self-loathing and pride, I have stepped out of the meat market for years and years. Now that my kids are grown, I find I am a romance retard...I have no idea what to do! And so I stay home and make jelly and serve on committees. It's a life...
*I think S#5, like the rest of us sometimes, has an idealized vision of family. B#2 once said he thought we were all very close, it's just the distance that keeps us from spending much time together. That's his idealized vision. But we don't even pick up the phone to check in. I talked to him on the phone a few times years ago, and he would make me go get my bible and look up specific passages. Yeah, not interested in that violence...so, we are pretty separated...not at all close.
Maybe we are all low-men on the totem-pole. Maybe be jostling around in the swamp sort of together, occasionally we squeeze someone's head just a little higher than the rest!! Then we have the perception that they are higher than we are.
Being a bitch is different that being arrogant, I think. The arrogance I was trying to describe comes from people who really don't believe in themselves, and so behave in a high and mighty fashion, desperately trying to get someone else to believe, to validate. To me, that is not true self-confidence. But the author of the article I read defined that behavior as being self-confident. He was praising the person who was able to question himself.herself, labeling that as lower self-confidence. "Bitch" is a strong woman who doesn't care what kind of names people throw at her to make her behave like a good, quiet girl. To me, it's different.
But my point was more that we need to see the seed of behavior and stopping making assumptions. And we need new definitions so we see each other more clearly. I have this feeling that everything would change if we saw other's weaknesses - Me too!
Always share your tough days. Always.
Love,
Clare
yesterday sucked...but today has to better.
Can I just say...Yesterday SUCKED!
It was son#1's birthday, 17 yrs old. I was feeling lousy because of this virus, which has now started me wheezing, something I am doing more often than ever before in my life. Anyway, I baked him a cake and wrapped a few gifts. He was in a great mood after school. His best friend was coming over to ride on ATV's that we got the day before. When his friend arrived they spent a lot of time around his car, first in the trunk and then the back seat, moving stuff around. It made me suspicious, as this is one of the kids he has smoked and drank with in the past. Anyway, they went for a drive and I checked the car, there were presents wrapped and one was definitely a bottle. I went to pick up Son#2 from football and decided that when I came back I would put the presents on the table and ask him to open them in front of us. So I pick up my youngest who is MAD as hell because he was given a detention for aggressively, and probably disrespectfully, asking for a point on his spelling test. I talked to him about respecting authority and picking battles that are important as well as the timing of such battles and he got enraged with me for not supporting his side. By the time we got home he was lashing out at me, so I sent him to his room. In which he subsequently destroyed a door by punching it, cutting his knuckles open. He left, although I didn't see him leave. I checked the car of the other son to find they had removed the present while I was gone. Needless to say when they returned I asked what was in the present and he reluctantly admitted it was a bottle of vodka...well, I had enough nonsense at this point and I blew up. I very rarely yell...but I screamed at him and his friend. I told his friend that I "will not allow you to F**k up my son's life" and other choice words. I did tell him that I really like him, but will not tolerate this type of disrespect and disobedience from him. He previously promised to not buy illegal, abuse prone stuff for him in the past. So then about 8 son#1 calls and says he is about 5 miles from home, up a mountain, and can I pick him up. I drove to get him, picked up food for him, we talked and then came home for homework...which he wasn't able to finish so he did some this morning.
So today HAS to be a better day.
A few things from your previous post...
It is heartbreaking that B#2 was able to drive his stepsons away at 18. I wonder how he convinced their Mom that was the right course of action.
S#3 is offended by the slight, but B#4 had fevers from chemo the week prior so maybe no one them should have been visiting.
It is odd though. I texted S#3 on Thursday, just checking in with her. She finished the "conversation" saying let's get together and that she would contact me the next day when she had her calendar available. I have not heard from her since. I have not been invited to a family function in the center of the state in years, despite being accessible. I hear that there are parties at B#4's house and multiple siblings are gathered and I've not been contacted. S#3 came here for sanctuary with her daughter and kids when they were escaping the boyfriend, but other than that we have not seen each other.
I am telling you this because it IS tough to be ignored...
but, we all do it to each other.
No one of our family is really the low one on the totem pole...
we all just want to believe that we are most persecuted.
I would even say that there are several who are at the top of the pole...but then, when I think about the statement I realize that I have no idea what is happening in their lives or their perception of the family attention. One thing that I fear is that S#5 is going to become bitter when the parents' abilities deteriorate and she is feeling burdened. I think she is still angry that she had to take B#2 when I stated that I could not do it...she never told anyone that it was becoming difficult to have him there. But now she projects anger towards me.
Sorry I am on a rant today!
Your comments on self confidence interested me also. It make sense that employers want sheep that can be led and made to perform boring tasks...not ask questions or challenge the status quo. The arrogance is something that I might claim...but I would call it Bitch...a powerful female, willing to protect what is right and good. Being meek hasn't gotten us anywhere, so we might as well try aggressive, self-confident means to the end.
Thanks for listening/reading. I know that you've had tough days too, that's why I am sharing.
Love and Light,
Maggie
It was son#1's birthday, 17 yrs old. I was feeling lousy because of this virus, which has now started me wheezing, something I am doing more often than ever before in my life. Anyway, I baked him a cake and wrapped a few gifts. He was in a great mood after school. His best friend was coming over to ride on ATV's that we got the day before. When his friend arrived they spent a lot of time around his car, first in the trunk and then the back seat, moving stuff around. It made me suspicious, as this is one of the kids he has smoked and drank with in the past. Anyway, they went for a drive and I checked the car, there were presents wrapped and one was definitely a bottle. I went to pick up Son#2 from football and decided that when I came back I would put the presents on the table and ask him to open them in front of us. So I pick up my youngest who is MAD as hell because he was given a detention for aggressively, and probably disrespectfully, asking for a point on his spelling test. I talked to him about respecting authority and picking battles that are important as well as the timing of such battles and he got enraged with me for not supporting his side. By the time we got home he was lashing out at me, so I sent him to his room. In which he subsequently destroyed a door by punching it, cutting his knuckles open. He left, although I didn't see him leave. I checked the car of the other son to find they had removed the present while I was gone. Needless to say when they returned I asked what was in the present and he reluctantly admitted it was a bottle of vodka...well, I had enough nonsense at this point and I blew up. I very rarely yell...but I screamed at him and his friend. I told his friend that I "will not allow you to F**k up my son's life" and other choice words. I did tell him that I really like him, but will not tolerate this type of disrespect and disobedience from him. He previously promised to not buy illegal, abuse prone stuff for him in the past. So then about 8 son#1 calls and says he is about 5 miles from home, up a mountain, and can I pick him up. I drove to get him, picked up food for him, we talked and then came home for homework...which he wasn't able to finish so he did some this morning.
So today HAS to be a better day.
A few things from your previous post...
It is heartbreaking that B#2 was able to drive his stepsons away at 18. I wonder how he convinced their Mom that was the right course of action.
S#3 is offended by the slight, but B#4 had fevers from chemo the week prior so maybe no one them should have been visiting.
It is odd though. I texted S#3 on Thursday, just checking in with her. She finished the "conversation" saying let's get together and that she would contact me the next day when she had her calendar available. I have not heard from her since. I have not been invited to a family function in the center of the state in years, despite being accessible. I hear that there are parties at B#4's house and multiple siblings are gathered and I've not been contacted. S#3 came here for sanctuary with her daughter and kids when they were escaping the boyfriend, but other than that we have not seen each other.
I am telling you this because it IS tough to be ignored...
but, we all do it to each other.
No one of our family is really the low one on the totem pole...
we all just want to believe that we are most persecuted.
I would even say that there are several who are at the top of the pole...but then, when I think about the statement I realize that I have no idea what is happening in their lives or their perception of the family attention. One thing that I fear is that S#5 is going to become bitter when the parents' abilities deteriorate and she is feeling burdened. I think she is still angry that she had to take B#2 when I stated that I could not do it...she never told anyone that it was becoming difficult to have him there. But now she projects anger towards me.
Sorry I am on a rant today!
Your comments on self confidence interested me also. It make sense that employers want sheep that can be led and made to perform boring tasks...not ask questions or challenge the status quo. The arrogance is something that I might claim...but I would call it Bitch...a powerful female, willing to protect what is right and good. Being meek hasn't gotten us anywhere, so we might as well try aggressive, self-confident means to the end.
Thanks for listening/reading. I know that you've had tough days too, that's why I am sharing.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
The Dreamer?
I am not amazed that we never saw B#2's suicide coming. Why would we? He was on the west coast, the rest of us in the eastern half of the country. We never spoke - whether things were good or bad. I stayed in touch with his ex, and she didn't say anything worrisome. So, I was surprised.
I did wonder about his angry email before Dad's birthday party- about Dad making us leave when we were 18, about being homeless for a while, which I never knew. But although I responded, offering to listen, I was surprised when his ex called and told me he was in the psyche-ward.
Just one little detail that tore at me a little...when his ex's sons were 18, he made them leave. Instead of learning compassion, he was as angry as Dad.
The story with Aunt S., as I remember it, was that she found a lump in her breast. She went in for a biopsy and came out of the OR with both breasts gone, and the cancer was already in her liver. Her cancer was aggressive and fast-moving. She only lived another 6 months. I never knew Mom's sibs were buying marijuana. That is so amazing, that they were so open-minded. I guess compassion will do that for you.
I have wondered which of our generation will go first. I thought about it as I watched the grandparent generation disappear one by one, now the parents. I know we are queuing. It is a morbid thought, but my strongest wish/prayer is simply that none of my kids die before me. And now, grandkids, too.
I just talked to S#3. Mom and Dad visited B#4 last weekend, and didn't call, didn't make an effort to see her or her kids. She felt it was an insult, and said she feels like she is the bottom guy on the totem pole. Then she said, there are a few of us she is close to, and she keeps us close. The rest - eh...I think that's how the family will go. We're not even connected with Mom and Dad here. I certainly don't expect to be more connected after they go...unless someone begins remembering the abuse, and the stories come out and we get vulnerable together.
Hey, someone has to be the dreamer.
I like your list of article topics. It sounds like exciting work. And the freedom to write is exciting!
I read an article today about self confidence. It said that people with low self confidence are better employees. Then it defined people with high self confidence as being arrogant. I was thinking that people who seem to have high self confidence are often pretending, because they don't believe in themselves. Then I started thinking that we need to redefine all of the words we use to define each other. We need to look at the source of pain that affects the way we go forward into the world.
I have just started talking the baby for a walk, now that she can sit up in her stroller, after I finish work. I'm hoping it will become a habit. We are doing about a mile and a half. I need to get that up. I just never got back into a good rhythm in any area of my life after the wrist/C-sec weekend.
I love you. Thank you for being here.
Clare
I did wonder about his angry email before Dad's birthday party- about Dad making us leave when we were 18, about being homeless for a while, which I never knew. But although I responded, offering to listen, I was surprised when his ex called and told me he was in the psyche-ward.
Just one little detail that tore at me a little...when his ex's sons were 18, he made them leave. Instead of learning compassion, he was as angry as Dad.
The story with Aunt S., as I remember it, was that she found a lump in her breast. She went in for a biopsy and came out of the OR with both breasts gone, and the cancer was already in her liver. Her cancer was aggressive and fast-moving. She only lived another 6 months. I never knew Mom's sibs were buying marijuana. That is so amazing, that they were so open-minded. I guess compassion will do that for you.
I have wondered which of our generation will go first. I thought about it as I watched the grandparent generation disappear one by one, now the parents. I know we are queuing. It is a morbid thought, but my strongest wish/prayer is simply that none of my kids die before me. And now, grandkids, too.
I just talked to S#3. Mom and Dad visited B#4 last weekend, and didn't call, didn't make an effort to see her or her kids. She felt it was an insult, and said she feels like she is the bottom guy on the totem pole. Then she said, there are a few of us she is close to, and she keeps us close. The rest - eh...I think that's how the family will go. We're not even connected with Mom and Dad here. I certainly don't expect to be more connected after they go...unless someone begins remembering the abuse, and the stories come out and we get vulnerable together.
Hey, someone has to be the dreamer.
I like your list of article topics. It sounds like exciting work. And the freedom to write is exciting!
I read an article today about self confidence. It said that people with low self confidence are better employees. Then it defined people with high self confidence as being arrogant. I was thinking that people who seem to have high self confidence are often pretending, because they don't believe in themselves. Then I started thinking that we need to redefine all of the words we use to define each other. We need to look at the source of pain that affects the way we go forward into the world.
I have just started talking the baby for a walk, now that she can sit up in her stroller, after I finish work. I'm hoping it will become a habit. We are doing about a mile and a half. I need to get that up. I just never got back into a good rhythm in any area of my life after the wrist/C-sec weekend.
I love you. Thank you for being here.
Clare
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Taking it easy today
Clare,
I had a meeting with my new, part-time boss today. It is the writing opportunity for social workers. I have called the opportunity Advocacy Through Awareness. The opportunity allows me to write about social justice issues that are current, as long as they don't go against the opinion of the Board of Directors.
I offered a list of brainstormed topics, which were all deemed acceptable. I proposed stress and disease, resilience, the culture of rape, veterans' incarceration and suicide rates, global warming and its consequences for social work, genetics and epigenetics, female reproductive health care rights...among others. I am excited about this, even if it is very part time. I was told that as funding increases my responsibilities can also increase.
I am trying to take it easy today. I skipped my walk, which has my dogs quite frustrated. I hope that it helps me to fell better more quickly.
I am going to walk a 10 K with my daughter#2 while daughter#1 runs a half-marathon in November. I walk about 3 miles daily, sometimes up to 5 miles. If I do go more than 3 miles it is usually split into 2 walks in the day. Well two weeks ago I got the brilliant idea that I should add some running to my walk, so I added about 1/4 mile runs interspersed with the walking. I got to the point that I would do this 3 times during a walk and now my knee is NOT happy. I have always stopped running because of knee pain. I don't know why I thought this would be different. So I am back to just walking. It is a habit in my life and one that I enjoy very much. I stopped walking when I was depressed, that made it even worse.
I know that line about everyone appeared well adjusted sounds naive. But if you look superficially at our family, we do seem to be normal, average citizens. I don't think that any of us know the extent to which the others struggle and suffer. That's probably the saddest part of our family legacy, we are so disconnected from each other (and ourselves) that we cannot possible reach out to support another. We are too isolated to reach out, too independent to admit need, too embarrassed to speak our truths. I have heard stories from several of our siblings about another's struggles and am amazed how well they hide their difficulties. We all do it. We were trained to do it. It's all about being a "good soldier".
It is amazing that none of us saw B#2's suicide attempt coming...
that he never reached out because we don't know what is happening in each other's lives...
I wonder if her feared being ignored or rejected despite his plea for assistance. We've seen that scenario play through too.
Even now, with B#4 battling cancer, it is the same pattern. I did not know that he was receiving chemo until this weekend's email. Last time I heard anything he was going for consultation but that he doubted he would require chemo.
I am left wondering at what point Mom's sister reached out to ask for assistance when she was terminal with breast cancer. I know that the siblings and Grammy were all assembled near the end, but how much did they all know prior to that? Did she keep the severity of her diagnosis secret until the end was inevitable? I remember Mom and her sister going to the house and helping her. Once Mom even explained that they were buying marijuana for her to battle the effects of the chemo, it's funny in retrospect though because she seemed really embarrassed to tell me that. I just don't remember the time frame in which all of that occurred.
I wonder which of us will be the first to die...of our siblings, I mean. I feel strange asking that, almost a little too morbid.
I wonder what death the death of our parents will do to our cohesiveness.
Husband's family rarely gets together now that his parents are dead. We are spending this Thanksgiving with his brother's family but this is the first time that we are getting together for an extended period of time in many years. We attended their son's graduation party in August and joked about doing Thanksgiving at the beach. Suddenly we are planning it. I am actually looking forward to it, maybe we are establishing a new family tradition.
Maybe it's time to reconnect...at least that family is a safer place than ours for me.
I am glad that we are connected.
I thank the universe for that on a daily basis.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I had a meeting with my new, part-time boss today. It is the writing opportunity for social workers. I have called the opportunity Advocacy Through Awareness. The opportunity allows me to write about social justice issues that are current, as long as they don't go against the opinion of the Board of Directors.
I offered a list of brainstormed topics, which were all deemed acceptable. I proposed stress and disease, resilience, the culture of rape, veterans' incarceration and suicide rates, global warming and its consequences for social work, genetics and epigenetics, female reproductive health care rights...among others. I am excited about this, even if it is very part time. I was told that as funding increases my responsibilities can also increase.
I am trying to take it easy today. I skipped my walk, which has my dogs quite frustrated. I hope that it helps me to fell better more quickly.
I am going to walk a 10 K with my daughter#2 while daughter#1 runs a half-marathon in November. I walk about 3 miles daily, sometimes up to 5 miles. If I do go more than 3 miles it is usually split into 2 walks in the day. Well two weeks ago I got the brilliant idea that I should add some running to my walk, so I added about 1/4 mile runs interspersed with the walking. I got to the point that I would do this 3 times during a walk and now my knee is NOT happy. I have always stopped running because of knee pain. I don't know why I thought this would be different. So I am back to just walking. It is a habit in my life and one that I enjoy very much. I stopped walking when I was depressed, that made it even worse.
I know that line about everyone appeared well adjusted sounds naive. But if you look superficially at our family, we do seem to be normal, average citizens. I don't think that any of us know the extent to which the others struggle and suffer. That's probably the saddest part of our family legacy, we are so disconnected from each other (and ourselves) that we cannot possible reach out to support another. We are too isolated to reach out, too independent to admit need, too embarrassed to speak our truths. I have heard stories from several of our siblings about another's struggles and am amazed how well they hide their difficulties. We all do it. We were trained to do it. It's all about being a "good soldier".
It is amazing that none of us saw B#2's suicide attempt coming...
that he never reached out because we don't know what is happening in each other's lives...
I wonder if her feared being ignored or rejected despite his plea for assistance. We've seen that scenario play through too.
Even now, with B#4 battling cancer, it is the same pattern. I did not know that he was receiving chemo until this weekend's email. Last time I heard anything he was going for consultation but that he doubted he would require chemo.
I am left wondering at what point Mom's sister reached out to ask for assistance when she was terminal with breast cancer. I know that the siblings and Grammy were all assembled near the end, but how much did they all know prior to that? Did she keep the severity of her diagnosis secret until the end was inevitable? I remember Mom and her sister going to the house and helping her. Once Mom even explained that they were buying marijuana for her to battle the effects of the chemo, it's funny in retrospect though because she seemed really embarrassed to tell me that. I just don't remember the time frame in which all of that occurred.
I wonder which of us will be the first to die...of our siblings, I mean. I feel strange asking that, almost a little too morbid.
I wonder what death the death of our parents will do to our cohesiveness.
Husband's family rarely gets together now that his parents are dead. We are spending this Thanksgiving with his brother's family but this is the first time that we are getting together for an extended period of time in many years. We attended their son's graduation party in August and joked about doing Thanksgiving at the beach. Suddenly we are planning it. I am actually looking forward to it, maybe we are establishing a new family tradition.
Maybe it's time to reconnect...at least that family is a safer place than ours for me.
I am glad that we are connected.
I thank the universe for that on a daily basis.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, September 23, 2013
Perceptions
It's interesting that your perception was that the rest of us are well-adjusted. I never thought so. I have always believed we are all screwed up, that none of us are healthy. I think some of us are a little less warped than the others. I always thought that my family was the worst...Maybe there's a different access to optimism or to reality between us.
I always thought I had a fabulous memory. I remember strange, trivial details. But in this past year and a half, working here with you, I have come to suspect that there are some big gaps, that I have blocked some important events also. And I always thought it was just you and S#3! Now I know the brothers have memory lapses, and history rewrites also.
The dissociative personality almost seems like incarnations with one higher self, like the Akashic records. Too weird. My mature, detached self is actually frozen with depression and unable to move...
I know when habit is kicking in, when I just want to numb. I feel prickly and unsettled and uncomfortable in my own body. I know it passes if I resist, but sometimes I can't wait, so I go to the kitchen and graze.
Moooo!!
When we start to get sick, it is our body's way of telling us we must slow down, rest, take care of ourselves. Of course, I keep working, no matter how awful I feel. I hope you take care of yourself, so that your body can heal and restore.
I took the baby for a walk, about a mile and a half long, today. If I do it for someone else, if I out it on the Must Do list, it gets done. Why don;t I do it just for my own pleasure?
Another long day. Another long week...Sigh...
Love you!!
Clare
I always thought I had a fabulous memory. I remember strange, trivial details. But in this past year and a half, working here with you, I have come to suspect that there are some big gaps, that I have blocked some important events also. And I always thought it was just you and S#3! Now I know the brothers have memory lapses, and history rewrites also.
The dissociative personality almost seems like incarnations with one higher self, like the Akashic records. Too weird. My mature, detached self is actually frozen with depression and unable to move...
I know when habit is kicking in, when I just want to numb. I feel prickly and unsettled and uncomfortable in my own body. I know it passes if I resist, but sometimes I can't wait, so I go to the kitchen and graze.
Moooo!!
When we start to get sick, it is our body's way of telling us we must slow down, rest, take care of ourselves. Of course, I keep working, no matter how awful I feel. I hope you take care of yourself, so that your body can heal and restore.
I took the baby for a walk, about a mile and a half long, today. If I do it for someone else, if I out it on the Must Do list, it gets done. Why don;t I do it just for my own pleasure?
Another long day. Another long week...Sigh...
Love you!!
Clare
The Power of Habits
Clare,
First things first, it was my big dog who had the seizure. There have been no more since Thursday night. Today I picked up phenobarbital which I will have to give her twice a day for the rest of her life. I was considering waiting to see if/when she had another seizure, but decided to go ahead after reading about your border collie. The techs at the vet assured me that she would not be sedated by this dose, so I started it.
I do believe that we all split ourselves to some extent. I think it is a normal response to the stresses of the day. Think about the relationships in your life, personal and professional. I project a very different persona to my students than I do to my supervisors or to my kids and husband. For the students, I let them see that I am competent but very capable of making a mistake and correcting it. For my supervisors I try to always be in control and on top of everything. I can joke around with them but would never have a discussion on a subject that was personal to me. I am different with each of my kids, depending upon the setting.
I have often marveled at how much energy, intelligence and coordination has to go into dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities). On some level there has to be one personalty that is aware of everything that is happening. In the case of the young woman I knew, that personality was a female, older and very detached. She reported on horrific experiences with almost no emotion. She seemed to feel sympathy for the other alters, but did not relate to them on an emotional or personal level. But, when I needed to be certain that something was done I called on 'her' and asked for her agreement, then I knew what I needed would be taken care of.
I have wondered, because of my memory has periods of amnesia, if I didn't 'split' at times when abuse was happening. I have considered hypnosis to retrieve those memories, but after careful consideration felt that those memories will unlock if, and when, they are necessary. I don't need to open Pandora's Box with my activities...it opens up enough on its own.
I remember, several years ago when I wrote my first letter to the family, you knew and verified many of my partial memories. That meant so much to me. I seriously questioned my memory, and sanity because our family members seemed to be well adjusted and how could they carry similar memories and not be effected by them? I remember husband saying to me, "Just because no one else remembers these events doesn't mean they didn't happen." He felt that I may have been singled out, and that all of you could have had a normal childhood. I still felt such relief when I started talking to you and you said that you thought it was B#1&2. I knew that to be true in my heart of hearts...but never would have said it aloud. But you made that real for me, and opened up other memories and this path to discovery and healing. Now, we know that probably none of us had a 'normal' childhood, despite some of our rewritten versions of it.
I just finished a book, The Power of Habit. It was pretty good, although not my usual genre. The take home message was that over 90% of our activity is habitual in nature. we don't even think about what or why we are doing things.
There is a cue...we respond...and there is a reward that makes us do it again and again.
It is interesting to look at the brain areas active in this.
It turns out that the primitive brain is activated, once again bypassing the prefrontal cortex...
the part that processes, considers and chooses.
This is a similar type of circuit that is activated when we Fight or Flight and reinforced when we ruminate on our stressful memories. When we ruminate we are reinforcing our reactions to stressful situations that we've experienced. We are creating habitual reactions so that the next time we face a similar threat we can react even quicker. This helps us in some cases, but it makes it difficult to get out of a rut when it comes to stress.
When we feel stressed we go to our ingrained response...alcohol, drugs, carbs and fats, exercise.
We don't think about what the cue is that is setting off the chain reaction, we just know it's worked in the past and will certainly work again...
and we remain numbed.
I feel as if I am getting sick. I have that burning sensation in my throat and upper chest. I am trying to drink plenty of liquids today and ward it off. I hate being sick, almost as much as being injured. Either way my schedule doesn't go as planned and I get frustrated. Oh well, only time will tell.
Love and Light,
Maggie
First things first, it was my big dog who had the seizure. There have been no more since Thursday night. Today I picked up phenobarbital which I will have to give her twice a day for the rest of her life. I was considering waiting to see if/when she had another seizure, but decided to go ahead after reading about your border collie. The techs at the vet assured me that she would not be sedated by this dose, so I started it.
I do believe that we all split ourselves to some extent. I think it is a normal response to the stresses of the day. Think about the relationships in your life, personal and professional. I project a very different persona to my students than I do to my supervisors or to my kids and husband. For the students, I let them see that I am competent but very capable of making a mistake and correcting it. For my supervisors I try to always be in control and on top of everything. I can joke around with them but would never have a discussion on a subject that was personal to me. I am different with each of my kids, depending upon the setting.
I have often marveled at how much energy, intelligence and coordination has to go into dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities). On some level there has to be one personalty that is aware of everything that is happening. In the case of the young woman I knew, that personality was a female, older and very detached. She reported on horrific experiences with almost no emotion. She seemed to feel sympathy for the other alters, but did not relate to them on an emotional or personal level. But, when I needed to be certain that something was done I called on 'her' and asked for her agreement, then I knew what I needed would be taken care of.
I have wondered, because of my memory has periods of amnesia, if I didn't 'split' at times when abuse was happening. I have considered hypnosis to retrieve those memories, but after careful consideration felt that those memories will unlock if, and when, they are necessary. I don't need to open Pandora's Box with my activities...it opens up enough on its own.
I remember, several years ago when I wrote my first letter to the family, you knew and verified many of my partial memories. That meant so much to me. I seriously questioned my memory, and sanity because our family members seemed to be well adjusted and how could they carry similar memories and not be effected by them? I remember husband saying to me, "Just because no one else remembers these events doesn't mean they didn't happen." He felt that I may have been singled out, and that all of you could have had a normal childhood. I still felt such relief when I started talking to you and you said that you thought it was B#1&2. I knew that to be true in my heart of hearts...but never would have said it aloud. But you made that real for me, and opened up other memories and this path to discovery and healing. Now, we know that probably none of us had a 'normal' childhood, despite some of our rewritten versions of it.
I just finished a book, The Power of Habit. It was pretty good, although not my usual genre. The take home message was that over 90% of our activity is habitual in nature. we don't even think about what or why we are doing things.
There is a cue...we respond...and there is a reward that makes us do it again and again.
It is interesting to look at the brain areas active in this.
It turns out that the primitive brain is activated, once again bypassing the prefrontal cortex...
the part that processes, considers and chooses.
This is a similar type of circuit that is activated when we Fight or Flight and reinforced when we ruminate on our stressful memories. When we ruminate we are reinforcing our reactions to stressful situations that we've experienced. We are creating habitual reactions so that the next time we face a similar threat we can react even quicker. This helps us in some cases, but it makes it difficult to get out of a rut when it comes to stress.
When we feel stressed we go to our ingrained response...alcohol, drugs, carbs and fats, exercise.
We don't think about what the cue is that is setting off the chain reaction, we just know it's worked in the past and will certainly work again...
and we remain numbed.
I feel as if I am getting sick. I have that burning sensation in my throat and upper chest. I am trying to drink plenty of liquids today and ward it off. I hate being sick, almost as much as being injured. Either way my schedule doesn't go as planned and I get frustrated. Oh well, only time will tell.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Verrrrrry interesting...
When I thought of freezing at a point, I was thinking about how it feels to pick up something hot, accidentally. There is an instant shock, and a momentary freeze as we analyze what just happened to us. I wondered if that was what happened emotionally or psychologically.
While reading about 'alters' I was wondering if we all have a touch that...especially the chameleons among us. I remember thinking once, that nobody truly knows me, knows all of me. A lot of people know aspects, but I hide myself, protect myself, from everybody. I know it's not the same, and it's not as profound, but maybe it happens in increments...and maybe some steps are not diagnosable...Maybe?
Interesting question, interesting observation. I think you make a good point. Many sympathetic, compassionate people are better to others than to themselves. We save all that vitriol to shower on ourselves...I wonder why. I wonder if it's the age of abuse, or the type of abuse. I noticed a trend once that women who have been sexually abused tend to be over weight, and women who have been emotionally or psychologically abused tend to be substance abusers. That is absolutely amateur and anecdotal, though.
Which dog had a seizure - the big one of the little one?
I had a long weekend of babysitting. I don't have anything profound to add to our discussion today.
And back to work tomorrow...How is your life going these days?
I love you!!
Clare
While reading about 'alters' I was wondering if we all have a touch that...especially the chameleons among us. I remember thinking once, that nobody truly knows me, knows all of me. A lot of people know aspects, but I hide myself, protect myself, from everybody. I know it's not the same, and it's not as profound, but maybe it happens in increments...and maybe some steps are not diagnosable...Maybe?
Interesting question, interesting observation. I think you make a good point. Many sympathetic, compassionate people are better to others than to themselves. We save all that vitriol to shower on ourselves...I wonder why. I wonder if it's the age of abuse, or the type of abuse. I noticed a trend once that women who have been sexually abused tend to be over weight, and women who have been emotionally or psychologically abused tend to be substance abusers. That is absolutely amateur and anecdotal, though.
Which dog had a seizure - the big one of the little one?
I had a long weekend of babysitting. I don't have anything profound to add to our discussion today.
And back to work tomorrow...How is your life going these days?
I love you!!
Clare
Numbing and Freezing
Clare,
I do understand the freezing of our maturity as we begin and continue to numb. I see it people that I have dealt with and continue to deal with. I am not certain how that plays out in the case of abuse.
I have worked with survivors and each has found a way to cope with their history. Some fragment part of themselves, leave that piece bound away somewhere in their psyche. The worst scenario of this is the dissociative personality disorder...multiple personalities. I once worked with a young woman who had many different alters, the most heartbreaking one of all was the personality that was 4 years old, the age when this woman first experienced abuse. I "met" her first one day when I was drawing blood in the clinic. It turns out that any time this woman was threatened with pain this alter would emerge and have to absorb the painful experience for the rest of the alters. I was the first person to understand what was happening to this woman. The other alters had various ages and unique memories of their life experiences. So, to go back to the original point, I think that abuse is not what freezes our development. I think it is our coping mechanisms that do. Particularly when it comes to substance abuse as a way of numbing. I am thinking of that "black hole" that you have described as surrounding alcoholics.
I have been wondering about our survey/study of abuse behaviors...I am increasingly interested in finding out why some people become empathetic after abuse and others go one to hurt others who are more vulnerable. I was just wondering if the substance abuse and "stress lifestyle" choices such as overeating, multiple sexual partners, risk taking, substance abuse, aren't that same hurting behavior turned upon oneself. It would signify an option between the two others. Or are there 2 pathways, each with a continuum of behaviors?
Anyway, for me, the important concept from all of this is that numbing in any way freezes at least a portion of you. The only way to reclaim your life and continue along that path of maturation or self-actualization is to face the trauma and transform it so that it no longer holds power over your life.
My dog's vet visit was uneventful. Her physical exam and laboratory studies were normal. I am to start her on phenobarb on Monday. I am concerned about it being too sedating for her. I have been watching her very closely. She is such a good dog.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I do understand the freezing of our maturity as we begin and continue to numb. I see it people that I have dealt with and continue to deal with. I am not certain how that plays out in the case of abuse.
I have worked with survivors and each has found a way to cope with their history. Some fragment part of themselves, leave that piece bound away somewhere in their psyche. The worst scenario of this is the dissociative personality disorder...multiple personalities. I once worked with a young woman who had many different alters, the most heartbreaking one of all was the personality that was 4 years old, the age when this woman first experienced abuse. I "met" her first one day when I was drawing blood in the clinic. It turns out that any time this woman was threatened with pain this alter would emerge and have to absorb the painful experience for the rest of the alters. I was the first person to understand what was happening to this woman. The other alters had various ages and unique memories of their life experiences. So, to go back to the original point, I think that abuse is not what freezes our development. I think it is our coping mechanisms that do. Particularly when it comes to substance abuse as a way of numbing. I am thinking of that "black hole" that you have described as surrounding alcoholics.
I have been wondering about our survey/study of abuse behaviors...I am increasingly interested in finding out why some people become empathetic after abuse and others go one to hurt others who are more vulnerable. I was just wondering if the substance abuse and "stress lifestyle" choices such as overeating, multiple sexual partners, risk taking, substance abuse, aren't that same hurting behavior turned upon oneself. It would signify an option between the two others. Or are there 2 pathways, each with a continuum of behaviors?
Anyway, for me, the important concept from all of this is that numbing in any way freezes at least a portion of you. The only way to reclaim your life and continue along that path of maturation or self-actualization is to face the trauma and transform it so that it no longer holds power over your life.
My dog's vet visit was uneventful. Her physical exam and laboratory studies were normal. I am to start her on phenobarb on Monday. I am concerned about it being too sedating for her. I have been watching her very closely. She is such a good dog.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Frozen in time?
Another teary day. The movie Mamma Mia made me cry. I feel a little ridiculous. I know it's good to cry. I know it is softening me. But I feel stupid. There is a part where the Donna character talks about giving up on romance and men after she has her child, and simply raised her alone. She says she is glad that part of her life is over. Really. And of course Meryl Streep is such a fabulous actress, we feel bereft for just a moment.
It touched a hollow place inside, and I started tearing up.
I had another of my strange thoughts today. Many, many years ago B#2's wife staged an intervention and got him to go to rehab. I talked to him sometime around that time. He told me that one of the biggest things he learned was that when we start using numbing agents - especially alcohol - we stop maturing emotionally. So, basically, he was a 13 year old in 30 or 40 year old body. It made me understand my ex. He was 18 or 19 years old...he still is.
Anyway, I was watching the baby today. She loves to stand now, but has absolute faith in us, that we will not let her topple. She stands and bounces, generally on my stomach, and frequently gets her feet stuck in my bra. After a few minutes, a quarter of an hour, a half hour of this my stomach hurts, my shoulders are worn out and my wrist can't do anymore. When I try to sit her down, she stiffens and pushes with her feet, and she's back up. She is oblivious to my aches and pains...of course.
But it suddenly struck me that I know adults who behave the same way. They just want what they want and are oblivious to others, and how others support them.
I wondered if initial abuse freezes us at the level of emotional development we have reached when the pain and betrayal strike.
Just a thought.
And I'm tired. I need to find a book.
Hope you are having a lovely evening.
Clare
It touched a hollow place inside, and I started tearing up.
I had another of my strange thoughts today. Many, many years ago B#2's wife staged an intervention and got him to go to rehab. I talked to him sometime around that time. He told me that one of the biggest things he learned was that when we start using numbing agents - especially alcohol - we stop maturing emotionally. So, basically, he was a 13 year old in 30 or 40 year old body. It made me understand my ex. He was 18 or 19 years old...he still is.
Anyway, I was watching the baby today. She loves to stand now, but has absolute faith in us, that we will not let her topple. She stands and bounces, generally on my stomach, and frequently gets her feet stuck in my bra. After a few minutes, a quarter of an hour, a half hour of this my stomach hurts, my shoulders are worn out and my wrist can't do anymore. When I try to sit her down, she stiffens and pushes with her feet, and she's back up. She is oblivious to my aches and pains...of course.
But it suddenly struck me that I know adults who behave the same way. They just want what they want and are oblivious to others, and how others support them.
I wondered if initial abuse freezes us at the level of emotional development we have reached when the pain and betrayal strike.
Just a thought.
And I'm tired. I need to find a book.
Hope you are having a lovely evening.
Clare
Friday, September 20, 2013
Tired today
I like what you have noted about Gestalt therapy. Please let me know as you learn more. In the back of my mind, I thought it had to do with screaming. I have no idea why!
I like the idea of interconnectedness, but what intrigues me is: what is truly being experienced versus what is merely an interpretation of the events.
This seems important. So often, we have impressions stored in us and we don't question them.
So saving the world is like parenting. We reward and notice and applaud good behavior and ignore the bad. Hey, we're naturals. We could do that! We do that!!
It reminds me of "praying." I read something that I have applied to my kids. Instead of praying to fix some perceived shortcoming, pray that they recognize their glorious strengths. I have been doing that. I don't know if it changes them or it changes me...
My beloved Border Collie, the dog of my heart, used to have seizures. I would hold her and stare into her eyes while it happened. The vet suggested phenobarb, but it seemed like too much for an annual seizure. Then she died in a close friend's arms, after an unstoppable seizure destroyed kidney function and possibly brain function. I had to give a vet permission to put her to sleep while I was in California. It still makes me sad.
I hope your pup has a good outcome. I know it can be controlled for years.
I have seen the photos from Project Unbreakable, or something similar, a few times. I always end up emotional and upset. But it's a firebrand kind of passion. So that is good.
I went to a small homegrown acoustic music fest along the edge of the woods this evening. We only stayed as long as the baby allowed! I got to hear some good blues.
And I am exhausted...
I love you!
Clare
I like the idea of interconnectedness, but what intrigues me is: what is truly being experienced versus what is merely an interpretation of the events.
This seems important. So often, we have impressions stored in us and we don't question them.
So saving the world is like parenting. We reward and notice and applaud good behavior and ignore the bad. Hey, we're naturals. We could do that! We do that!!
It reminds me of "praying." I read something that I have applied to my kids. Instead of praying to fix some perceived shortcoming, pray that they recognize their glorious strengths. I have been doing that. I don't know if it changes them or it changes me...
My beloved Border Collie, the dog of my heart, used to have seizures. I would hold her and stare into her eyes while it happened. The vet suggested phenobarb, but it seemed like too much for an annual seizure. Then she died in a close friend's arms, after an unstoppable seizure destroyed kidney function and possibly brain function. I had to give a vet permission to put her to sleep while I was in California. It still makes me sad.
I hope your pup has a good outcome. I know it can be controlled for years.
I have seen the photos from Project Unbreakable, or something similar, a few times. I always end up emotional and upset. But it's a firebrand kind of passion. So that is good.
I went to a small homegrown acoustic music fest along the edge of the woods this evening. We only stayed as long as the baby allowed! I got to hear some good blues.
And I am exhausted...
I love you!
Clare
Attention
Hello Clare,
I have to learn more about Gestalt therapy. I have been told that it especially useful in trauma survivors. I would like to give back from the growth and journeying that I have done.
Here are a few excerpts from a website (http://www.goodtherapy.org/Gestalt_Therapy.html)...
Gestalt therapy has at its core two key principals.The first maintains that experiencing the present moment in its entirety is at the heart of psychology, unlike techniques that give significance to the unknown or imagined. Second, each and every person is linked and connected to all things. Without acknowledging that we are in relationship with all things, we can never truly understand who we are.
Gestalt therapy teaches the client how to define what is truly being experienced versus what is merely an interpretation of the events. When the client becomes fully aware of this difference, he or she is able to identify the patterns and behaviors that need to be changed.
Gestalt therapy helps a client take the first step into this awareness so that they can acknowledge and accept these patterns. Through a journey of self-discovery, this form of therapy also empowers a client with the skills necessary to face stressful situations.
The concept does interest me, so I will probably investigate it at least.
You were viewing pictures from the Project Unbreakable I believe. I have shared that website several times since last spring. I am actually in contact with them trying to bring them to my university's campus next spring. We are trying to do it in conjunction with the domestic violence shelter to raise awareness about sexual assault.
I just watched a TED talk by a young filmmaker Julia Bacha, I believe that's her name. She has created a documentary about the nonviolent peace movement in Israel/Palestine. Her take home message is that Attention (media and public) is the catalyst for growth of and sustaining a movement. If the violent activists get media attention then they will persist and escalate. But if the attention is shifted towards the nonviolent movements and leaders then those actions will take hold and flourish.
This same concept is just as true for interpersonal violence as it is for international violence. If we focus our attention on the male role models who respect and treat women equally, then the media concept of the aggressive male will lose strength and vitality. Eventually the concept of what is masculine behavior made be redefined.
I was woken up last night by a strange noise. I found my beautiful dog seizing in my bathroom. She had urinated on the floor and was convulsing on wet tile. Luckily the seizure activity lasted less than 5 minutes, but she was disoriented and uncoordinated for a time following it. I had to clean her fur and the floor as best I could. This morning she seems timid and not quite sure of herself. I took her to the vet and they drew some blood. So I should know more tomorrow.
Until tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I have to learn more about Gestalt therapy. I have been told that it especially useful in trauma survivors. I would like to give back from the growth and journeying that I have done.
Here are a few excerpts from a website (http://www.goodtherapy.org/Gestalt_Therapy.html)...
Gestalt therapy has at its core two key principals.The first maintains that experiencing the present moment in its entirety is at the heart of psychology, unlike techniques that give significance to the unknown or imagined. Second, each and every person is linked and connected to all things. Without acknowledging that we are in relationship with all things, we can never truly understand who we are.
Gestalt therapy teaches the client how to define what is truly being experienced versus what is merely an interpretation of the events. When the client becomes fully aware of this difference, he or she is able to identify the patterns and behaviors that need to be changed.
Gestalt therapy helps a client take the first step into this awareness so that they can acknowledge and accept these patterns. Through a journey of self-discovery, this form of therapy also empowers a client with the skills necessary to face stressful situations.
The concept does interest me, so I will probably investigate it at least.
You were viewing pictures from the Project Unbreakable I believe. I have shared that website several times since last spring. I am actually in contact with them trying to bring them to my university's campus next spring. We are trying to do it in conjunction with the domestic violence shelter to raise awareness about sexual assault.
I just watched a TED talk by a young filmmaker Julia Bacha, I believe that's her name. She has created a documentary about the nonviolent peace movement in Israel/Palestine. Her take home message is that Attention (media and public) is the catalyst for growth of and sustaining a movement. If the violent activists get media attention then they will persist and escalate. But if the attention is shifted towards the nonviolent movements and leaders then those actions will take hold and flourish.
This same concept is just as true for interpersonal violence as it is for international violence. If we focus our attention on the male role models who respect and treat women equally, then the media concept of the aggressive male will lose strength and vitality. Eventually the concept of what is masculine behavior made be redefined.
I was woken up last night by a strange noise. I found my beautiful dog seizing in my bathroom. She had urinated on the floor and was convulsing on wet tile. Luckily the seizure activity lasted less than 5 minutes, but she was disoriented and uncoordinated for a time following it. I had to clean her fur and the floor as best I could. This morning she seems timid and not quite sure of herself. I took her to the vet and they drew some blood. So I should know more tomorrow.
Until tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Shapeshifting
I just looked at a series of portraits of young women holding signs. Each was raped and the signs are quotes from her rapist.
"You wanted it.
"Relax and enjoy it..."
There is an absolute disconnect with some men. Others know they are violating someone - but their own pain is more important than what they are doing to another person...
I am a bit emotional.
Thank you for using the analogy of the broken wrist. When I thought of suffering, the pain I felt as I healed, the occasional pain I still feel, seemed like the simplest comparison I could fathom. That was why I kept going back to it. It is so hard to describe, even recognize, emotional and psychological suffering. It shapeshifts and we have so many ways to numb or to rationalize. I am a master of misleading myself. Of sidetracking myself.
Tell me more about Gestalt therapy. I have heard the name, but I don't know what it is.
I read an article today about the ways social media have been used to direct public opinion. Certain corporations have been forced to change policy because of public outcry - info going viral.
I was thinking about a campaign where we reinterpret messages. We "believe" men can't help themselves, and so they use that perception to do what they want. Let's remind them of their innate humanity and nobility. No true man would rape a woman or molest a child. Let's find ways of defining women as being valuable.
I don't know...just playing with ideas. But our cultural conditioning needs to be - reconditioned. I guess we need to see the rape culture in its many aspects.
I was talking to a woman in France. We were talking about the rape culture here. She said she didn't think they had it there. I started asking questions - about wearing short skirts, about walking alone - especially at night. She thought about her answers, then realized she does live in a rape culture.
How do we get safe? How do we find male allies who model humane behavior for other men? Humans learn best by imitation.
I need to get to bed. My day starts very early tomorrow...
I love you!!
Clare
"You wanted it.
"Relax and enjoy it..."
There is an absolute disconnect with some men. Others know they are violating someone - but their own pain is more important than what they are doing to another person...
I am a bit emotional.
Thank you for using the analogy of the broken wrist. When I thought of suffering, the pain I felt as I healed, the occasional pain I still feel, seemed like the simplest comparison I could fathom. That was why I kept going back to it. It is so hard to describe, even recognize, emotional and psychological suffering. It shapeshifts and we have so many ways to numb or to rationalize. I am a master of misleading myself. Of sidetracking myself.
Tell me more about Gestalt therapy. I have heard the name, but I don't know what it is.
I read an article today about the ways social media have been used to direct public opinion. Certain corporations have been forced to change policy because of public outcry - info going viral.
I was thinking about a campaign where we reinterpret messages. We "believe" men can't help themselves, and so they use that perception to do what they want. Let's remind them of their innate humanity and nobility. No true man would rape a woman or molest a child. Let's find ways of defining women as being valuable.
I don't know...just playing with ideas. But our cultural conditioning needs to be - reconditioned. I guess we need to see the rape culture in its many aspects.
I was talking to a woman in France. We were talking about the rape culture here. She said she didn't think they had it there. I started asking questions - about wearing short skirts, about walking alone - especially at night. She thought about her answers, then realized she does live in a rape culture.
How do we get safe? How do we find male allies who model humane behavior for other men? Humans learn best by imitation.
I need to get to bed. My day starts very early tomorrow...
I love you!!
Clare
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Analogy of the fractured wrist
OK...we can speak of transforming suffering. By transforming it we are letting go of it's clamp on our lives. The wounds of intentional, personal violation are the deepest, most confusing, and resistant to healing wounds possible. They have a much greater effect on our lives and psyche than natural disaster or accidental injury.
I keep going back to an interview on NPR...the one that reported the rape of the 10 year old girl by 5 miners. It was done within the same week that the 4 rapist were sentenced to death. There were several quotes that hit me hard. The judge of the trial is reported to have said that if the victim were his daughter, out at night with a boyfriend, and was raped he would have burned her to death from the shame. They also reported a young teen girl who was recently raped and was, in fact, burned to death by her father. The reporter was speaking to an Indian women's rights advocate who said that women are just beginning to realize that their life is not over after they are raped. Prior to the rape, death and public outcry over the brutal rape this past winter they expected to die after sexual assault.
How can we, women, feel so little care for ourselves when we offer love and caring to so many others? How perverse must be our teachings that we come to believe that we are nothing except as we are defined by our relationships to men? More importantly, how can we teach our daughters differently?
I think that one of my articles for this newsletter will be about the culture of rape and violence against women...and the twisted expectations for males in our society and the world.
Your analogy of your healing wrist is important. What you have to remember is that the healing takes several distinct stages, like the emotional healing that is taking place. At first the fracture is quickly surrounded by a collection of blood which bathes it in sterile fluid filled with healing cells. Once the immediate swelling has decreased cartilage forming cells come into the fracture site and set up a scaffolding or mold for the repair. This repairs the continuity of the bone, makes it more functional, but it is still easily broken and fragile. Once the mold has been completed bone forming cells move in and replace the cartilage with mineralized bone creating a callus around the fracture site which makes that area of bone even stronger than it was before the fracture occurred. If the bone doesn't work through all of these stages there is chronic pain, stiffness, and deformity. So, with abuse, if we are surrounded with love and support, we could proceed through the stages seamlessly. But, we lacked that support and nurturing to establish a healthy healing environment. So we have to continue to break and re-break those wounds to potentially experience healing. That's what we are doing here...breaking and re-breaking the bones to allow the best healing possible...hopefully leaving us stronger than we ever were before.
We do seem to be dancing...you lead while I submerge in the swamp and then we exchange roles. It has become comforting to know that you will support me when I need it and correct me when I need that too. This has become a safe place to explore many topics...that all seem to be inter-related with abuse and violence.
Thank you for that.
I am getting quite discouraged, again, about my lack of job opportunities. I am wondering if I am looking for the wrong thing...perhaps the universe has different plans for me. But I am so drawn to education and advocacy and public policy, I just can't see another way. A friend offered to take me to a Gestalt workshop with her. Gestalt is a counseling technique...maybe I should take her up on the offer and see if it speaks to me.
I am glad that there is laughter in your house. I wish there was more of that here. I seem to be butting heads with my boys on a daily basis. I guess I should be better at picking my battles.
Enjoy the beautiful harvest moon.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I keep going back to an interview on NPR...the one that reported the rape of the 10 year old girl by 5 miners. It was done within the same week that the 4 rapist were sentenced to death. There were several quotes that hit me hard. The judge of the trial is reported to have said that if the victim were his daughter, out at night with a boyfriend, and was raped he would have burned her to death from the shame. They also reported a young teen girl who was recently raped and was, in fact, burned to death by her father. The reporter was speaking to an Indian women's rights advocate who said that women are just beginning to realize that their life is not over after they are raped. Prior to the rape, death and public outcry over the brutal rape this past winter they expected to die after sexual assault.
How can we, women, feel so little care for ourselves when we offer love and caring to so many others? How perverse must be our teachings that we come to believe that we are nothing except as we are defined by our relationships to men? More importantly, how can we teach our daughters differently?
I think that one of my articles for this newsletter will be about the culture of rape and violence against women...and the twisted expectations for males in our society and the world.
Your analogy of your healing wrist is important. What you have to remember is that the healing takes several distinct stages, like the emotional healing that is taking place. At first the fracture is quickly surrounded by a collection of blood which bathes it in sterile fluid filled with healing cells. Once the immediate swelling has decreased cartilage forming cells come into the fracture site and set up a scaffolding or mold for the repair. This repairs the continuity of the bone, makes it more functional, but it is still easily broken and fragile. Once the mold has been completed bone forming cells move in and replace the cartilage with mineralized bone creating a callus around the fracture site which makes that area of bone even stronger than it was before the fracture occurred. If the bone doesn't work through all of these stages there is chronic pain, stiffness, and deformity. So, with abuse, if we are surrounded with love and support, we could proceed through the stages seamlessly. But, we lacked that support and nurturing to establish a healthy healing environment. So we have to continue to break and re-break those wounds to potentially experience healing. That's what we are doing here...breaking and re-breaking the bones to allow the best healing possible...hopefully leaving us stronger than we ever were before.
We do seem to be dancing...you lead while I submerge in the swamp and then we exchange roles. It has become comforting to know that you will support me when I need it and correct me when I need that too. This has become a safe place to explore many topics...that all seem to be inter-related with abuse and violence.
Thank you for that.
I am getting quite discouraged, again, about my lack of job opportunities. I am wondering if I am looking for the wrong thing...perhaps the universe has different plans for me. But I am so drawn to education and advocacy and public policy, I just can't see another way. A friend offered to take me to a Gestalt workshop with her. Gestalt is a counseling technique...maybe I should take her up on the offer and see if it speaks to me.
I am glad that there is laughter in your house. I wish there was more of that here. I seem to be butting heads with my boys on a daily basis. I guess I should be better at picking my battles.
Enjoy the beautiful harvest moon.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Cha-cha-cha
I have noticed that when one of is down and struggling, the other is in a more resilient period. I have noticed that the process we are involved in requires diving and surfacing. I think we have choreographed a dance here. We have begun to trust where the other is.
I think this is one of the greatest gifts of my life.
I think we play with words differently. I was awake in the still, dark hours last night...still playing with the idea of suffering. I fell back into my violence and violation theory, and really felt the leading to write it. It needs to be shared. But I also felt that suffering from violence is natural. We heal...like my wrist. Suffering from violation takes more. It takes more resilience. It takes more faith and daring. It is brave to reach out and do this work. And sometimes I can do it. And sometimes I feel powerful. But then I cycle back around and feel the deepest self-loathing possible.
I am thinking about resilience yet again. I am resilient, but not all the time.
Does that make sense?
You talk of letting go of suffering. My brain resounds to the idea of transforming suffering. I think we are talking about the same thing.
And step by step we are doing it. But I am sort of doing the cha-cha. I step forward, then back - cha-cha-cha!!! Not a lot of forward progress, but I'm dancing and I'm moving and I'm covering different parts of the floor!
I have noticed that we are laughing more in this house. The baby is adorable and funny. And I also agreed to take our niece's pom-chi for a few months until she gets her own home. We have never had a tiny dog before, and he makes us laugh. This seems new and nice.
So maybe I am emerging from the depths of the swamp, to rinse off, bask and see what the Light reveals.
Your account of the woman's attitude of a perpetrator getting what he deserves broke my heart. I am positive that he was abuse and destroyed as a child. But I think the professional uses words like that to distance herself from the pain. If we don't see the whole picture, we aren't responsible for changing anything. We can blissfully move forward pretending that some people are simply bad for no reason and deserve to be punished.
Time seems weird today. I can't figure out what time it is...
Anyway, love and hugs to you...
Clare
I think this is one of the greatest gifts of my life.
I think we play with words differently. I was awake in the still, dark hours last night...still playing with the idea of suffering. I fell back into my violence and violation theory, and really felt the leading to write it. It needs to be shared. But I also felt that suffering from violence is natural. We heal...like my wrist. Suffering from violation takes more. It takes more resilience. It takes more faith and daring. It is brave to reach out and do this work. And sometimes I can do it. And sometimes I feel powerful. But then I cycle back around and feel the deepest self-loathing possible.
I am thinking about resilience yet again. I am resilient, but not all the time.
Does that make sense?
You talk of letting go of suffering. My brain resounds to the idea of transforming suffering. I think we are talking about the same thing.
And step by step we are doing it. But I am sort of doing the cha-cha. I step forward, then back - cha-cha-cha!!! Not a lot of forward progress, but I'm dancing and I'm moving and I'm covering different parts of the floor!
I have noticed that we are laughing more in this house. The baby is adorable and funny. And I also agreed to take our niece's pom-chi for a few months until she gets her own home. We have never had a tiny dog before, and he makes us laugh. This seems new and nice.
So maybe I am emerging from the depths of the swamp, to rinse off, bask and see what the Light reveals.
Your account of the woman's attitude of a perpetrator getting what he deserves broke my heart. I am positive that he was abuse and destroyed as a child. But I think the professional uses words like that to distance herself from the pain. If we don't see the whole picture, we aren't responsible for changing anything. We can blissfully move forward pretending that some people are simply bad for no reason and deserve to be punished.
Time seems weird today. I can't figure out what time it is...
Anyway, love and hugs to you...
Clare
Just one more thought
Just one more thought.
No, I don't believe that rape is a natural part of human life or animal life. I just heard of another gang-rape in India this past weekend, the victim was 10 years old. We are worse than animals.
But it is a byproduct of our cultural norms and expectations. Men have to prove themselves powerful and viril. Men have been hurt when they were most vulnerable and in turn hurt those more vulnerable than them. It is an outright lie that men cannot control their libido. It is also an outright lie that women deserve to be raped because of their clothing, breast size, degree of intoxication, previous sexual history, or location.
Last evening I sat at a meeting at the domestic violence shelter. One of the woman, a lawyer and a pastor, got a text. She nonchalantly said she would deal with it later it was about a suicide earlier in the day. I expressed to her how sorry I was that someone had committed suicide and she laughed and said, "He was a perpetrator, so I guess he got what he deserved." My heart sank. No one deserves to be in such self-agony that they resort to suicide. Every person has a story and each deserves to be heard. Each has the potential to heal.
I don't know what the right answer is to any of this. But our current punitive attitudes don't heal anyone, they only increase the pain and isolation on all sides.
-Maggie
No, I don't believe that rape is a natural part of human life or animal life. I just heard of another gang-rape in India this past weekend, the victim was 10 years old. We are worse than animals.
But it is a byproduct of our cultural norms and expectations. Men have to prove themselves powerful and viril. Men have been hurt when they were most vulnerable and in turn hurt those more vulnerable than them. It is an outright lie that men cannot control their libido. It is also an outright lie that women deserve to be raped because of their clothing, breast size, degree of intoxication, previous sexual history, or location.
Last evening I sat at a meeting at the domestic violence shelter. One of the woman, a lawyer and a pastor, got a text. She nonchalantly said she would deal with it later it was about a suicide earlier in the day. I expressed to her how sorry I was that someone had committed suicide and she laughed and said, "He was a perpetrator, so I guess he got what he deserved." My heart sank. No one deserves to be in such self-agony that they resort to suicide. Every person has a story and each deserves to be heard. Each has the potential to heal.
I don't know what the right answer is to any of this. But our current punitive attitudes don't heal anyone, they only increase the pain and isolation on all sides.
-Maggie
Resilience is the counterpart of suffering
Let's twist this around and look at it from the perspective of resilience. We hope for resilience.
I am reading about resilience because I am doing a talk on resilience...so it is in my brain.
Resilience is the counterpart to suffering in some ways.
Suffering pulls our focus inward to the wounds that we have.
Resilience finds ways to actively and positively cope with adversity and trauma.
It is seen in various character traits...
Optimism, cognitive reappraisal, active coping, humor, physical exercise, altruism/generosity, seeking social support, mindfulness, spirituality/moral compass, secure attachment/trust.
These are mostly traits that demand introspection but with positive, external action.
To gain resilience it is necessary to let go of suffering.
You spoke of learning from the experience of trauma in order to help others. That is cognitive reappraisal, telling your story over and over again, spiraling around it, until you can find some lesson that helps you and/or others.
We have spoken of our siblings addictions those are avoidance coping. Active coping is about changing your perspective of the stress or trauma by dealing directly with the trauma. When the experience is dealt with head on it is possible to overcome the hold that it has on our psyche.
We have spoken of the need to reach out to others, ask for help when we can't cope alone...Me Too.
A lot of our present journey has been about relinquishing the suffering associated with our family memories and finding resilience and the ability to grow in our lives. I just feel as if I need to let go of suffering and reclaim that portion of myself that has been attending to it all of these years. That is not to say that I won't remember the past. I refuse to live repressing the traumas. It means that I refuse to live in the past. I am claiming my right to the present moment.
When your card reading friend told me that my meditation was working I believe that she meant that the mindfulness that I practice is allowing me to move into this new space. I feel really peaceful with this. I am optimistic about my life, and about yours as well.
I am holding all of this In the Light.
Blessings,
Maggie
I am reading about resilience because I am doing a talk on resilience...so it is in my brain.
Resilience is the counterpart to suffering in some ways.
Suffering pulls our focus inward to the wounds that we have.
Resilience finds ways to actively and positively cope with adversity and trauma.
It is seen in various character traits...
Optimism, cognitive reappraisal, active coping, humor, physical exercise, altruism/generosity, seeking social support, mindfulness, spirituality/moral compass, secure attachment/trust.
These are mostly traits that demand introspection but with positive, external action.
To gain resilience it is necessary to let go of suffering.
You spoke of learning from the experience of trauma in order to help others. That is cognitive reappraisal, telling your story over and over again, spiraling around it, until you can find some lesson that helps you and/or others.
We have spoken of our siblings addictions those are avoidance coping. Active coping is about changing your perspective of the stress or trauma by dealing directly with the trauma. When the experience is dealt with head on it is possible to overcome the hold that it has on our psyche.
We have spoken of the need to reach out to others, ask for help when we can't cope alone...Me Too.
A lot of our present journey has been about relinquishing the suffering associated with our family memories and finding resilience and the ability to grow in our lives. I just feel as if I need to let go of suffering and reclaim that portion of myself that has been attending to it all of these years. That is not to say that I won't remember the past. I refuse to live repressing the traumas. It means that I refuse to live in the past. I am claiming my right to the present moment.
When your card reading friend told me that my meditation was working I believe that she meant that the mindfulness that I practice is allowing me to move into this new space. I feel really peaceful with this. I am optimistic about my life, and about yours as well.
I am holding all of this In the Light.
Blessings,
Maggie
Monday, September 16, 2013
More on suffering
You warned us both, back at the beginning of this journey, that we would spiral, we would hit the same issues over and over, but always from a fresh perspective. And it is happening...
I read and reread your last two posts, trying to understand why I was having such a deep, profound reaction. I think I have identified some of it. And then I had this long train of thought this afternoon, which I will try to share...
You used one of those Catholic code phrases - offer it up...when we are suffering, we should offer it us so that our pain makes us better and stronger. That triggered emotion. I saw something earlier today...
The cartoon had a drawing of a little boy talking to his daddy. The caption: Dear Father, I am unworthy to be called your child. Let me be your servant to do your will. Use me as your servant. Take my mind. Take my heart. Take my body. Take my life. I am nothing, so consume me for your purpose and your glory, even though I am the worst person in the world.
(https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151839176955155&set=a.496176595154.294030.8798180154&type=1&theater)
So it's exaggerated to make a point, but it is the mindset forced on us by the church. Our acceptance of this leads us to believe we are only worthy of rape. And "offer it up." is part of it. I definitely recoil from those words.
The other words that riled me were "our sense of entitlement to suffer." I know that is the essence of victimhood. Your words were powerful. They stunned me.
One last thought you inspired..."let go of that deep suffering." I read. I read again. I let it settle, and what emerged was - transform that deep suffering. Not sure exactly what it means, but it feels right. Don't just let it go, but use it as a force for good and for healing...
So, I was thinking about suffering this afternoon, trying to simplify it so I can wrap my head around it. And I thought of breaking my wrist. It is he only time in my adult life, and in my conscious memory, that I have ever broken a bone. And it hurt. A lot! And sometimes I could not sleep at night because it hurt. So I just laid in the dark, getting what rest I could because I had to work early the next morning. That was suffering. But somehow it felt okay. The pain is natural after breaking a bone.
But what if someone I knew and loved and trusted had broken my bone on purpose - deliberately snapped my wrist? That is not natural. How do we analyze that pain? How do we live with it.
I don't think rape is a natural part of human existence or the human psychology. I think that is why we get so lost in the suffering. We didn't evolve with rape...am I making any sense?
Nonetheless, I broke my wrist. I still hurts sometimes - not like it used to. I can use it for most things, although not always perfectly. I was told that I will probably never have complete flexibility and I will probably have arthritis in that hand. Right now I am still not prepared to run around with a bunch of young children, but I bet it will happen again as I heal and regain my confidence...somehow this all made sense in relation to suffering earlier today. Right now, it's late, I'm tired and it's not quite making sense!!
I'll keep at it, though.
I love you!!
Clare
I read and reread your last two posts, trying to understand why I was having such a deep, profound reaction. I think I have identified some of it. And then I had this long train of thought this afternoon, which I will try to share...
You used one of those Catholic code phrases - offer it up...when we are suffering, we should offer it us so that our pain makes us better and stronger. That triggered emotion. I saw something earlier today...
The cartoon had a drawing of a little boy talking to his daddy. The caption: Dear Father, I am unworthy to be called your child. Let me be your servant to do your will. Use me as your servant. Take my mind. Take my heart. Take my body. Take my life. I am nothing, so consume me for your purpose and your glory, even though I am the worst person in the world.
(https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151839176955155&set=a.496176595154.294030.8798180154&type=1&theater)
So it's exaggerated to make a point, but it is the mindset forced on us by the church. Our acceptance of this leads us to believe we are only worthy of rape. And "offer it up." is part of it. I definitely recoil from those words.
The other words that riled me were "our sense of entitlement to suffer." I know that is the essence of victimhood. Your words were powerful. They stunned me.
One last thought you inspired..."let go of that deep suffering." I read. I read again. I let it settle, and what emerged was - transform that deep suffering. Not sure exactly what it means, but it feels right. Don't just let it go, but use it as a force for good and for healing...
So, I was thinking about suffering this afternoon, trying to simplify it so I can wrap my head around it. And I thought of breaking my wrist. It is he only time in my adult life, and in my conscious memory, that I have ever broken a bone. And it hurt. A lot! And sometimes I could not sleep at night because it hurt. So I just laid in the dark, getting what rest I could because I had to work early the next morning. That was suffering. But somehow it felt okay. The pain is natural after breaking a bone.
But what if someone I knew and loved and trusted had broken my bone on purpose - deliberately snapped my wrist? That is not natural. How do we analyze that pain? How do we live with it.
I don't think rape is a natural part of human existence or the human psychology. I think that is why we get so lost in the suffering. We didn't evolve with rape...am I making any sense?
Nonetheless, I broke my wrist. I still hurts sometimes - not like it used to. I can use it for most things, although not always perfectly. I was told that I will probably never have complete flexibility and I will probably have arthritis in that hand. Right now I am still not prepared to run around with a bunch of young children, but I bet it will happen again as I heal and regain my confidence...somehow this all made sense in relation to suffering earlier today. Right now, it's late, I'm tired and it's not quite making sense!!
I'll keep at it, though.
I love you!!
Clare
Victim...Survivor...Thriver - An Epic Journey
I am not sure how to communicate what I want to about suffering...
It is terrible.
It is life-altering.
If it is from an "act of nature" we don't seem to hold onto it the same way that we do when it is personal...when a person uses and abuses you for their own pain-filled, ego-driven purposes.
Unthinkable things happen, even to the most innocent of us...and suffering is a natural reaction to that. We hide ourselves out of shame because who could ever accept someone as damaged and insignificant as me? We stuff ourselves with food, drugs, alcohol, religious fervor, busy-ness just to keep our minds focused outward. But at some point we have to accept our history and let go of that suffering.
We can't heal those deep, interior wounds until we let go of the outer suffering.
We can't even access the wounds if we cling to our pain or our delusions and rewritten memories.
We need to face the reason for the suffering and shame, and speak our truth...to one person at a time. It is an excruciating process...because it takes us out of our survival mode of 'be invisible' and 'trust no one'...it makes us visible to another human being. God, I had to tell my story to my horses over and over before I found the courage to tell anyone...whatever works.
That's when we move from victim to survivor.
Then the deeper layers of the trauma are accessible. We can begin to gain insight and compassion for ourselves and our abusers. This is much like sharing the stories of our parents' childhood experiences leading to their abuse or neglecting to notice what was happening. This is the compassion that we feel for our siblings who were abused and learned to abuse those more vulnerable than them. But after working with and through the inner wounds we have to let go of that deep suffering...
that's when we acknowledge our wounds, stop letting them define who we are, and reach out to others.
We reach out to support other victims and we reach out to forgive those who hurt us so deeply. That doesn't mean that we embrace them and bring them fully back into our lives...but it means that I no longer have to direct any of my energy towards that hatred or animosity or distrust that I feel towards them. It doesn't do anything for the perpetrator, it is all about me reclaiming my energy, my focus, my integrity. That's when we move from survivor to thriver. That's when we no longer need to suffer.
I am ready to thrive. I deserve to thrive. It is my greatest challenge.
You do too.
I understand that you have different ideas about suffering...I respect and appreciate that. I just am beginning to see this as the next step in the journey. I want to walk the path, even if it does repeatedly spiral around common themes.
I hope that you got some much needed rest.
Sending you much Love and Light,
Maggie
It is terrible.
It is life-altering.
If it is from an "act of nature" we don't seem to hold onto it the same way that we do when it is personal...when a person uses and abuses you for their own pain-filled, ego-driven purposes.
Unthinkable things happen, even to the most innocent of us...and suffering is a natural reaction to that. We hide ourselves out of shame because who could ever accept someone as damaged and insignificant as me? We stuff ourselves with food, drugs, alcohol, religious fervor, busy-ness just to keep our minds focused outward. But at some point we have to accept our history and let go of that suffering.
We can't heal those deep, interior wounds until we let go of the outer suffering.
We can't even access the wounds if we cling to our pain or our delusions and rewritten memories.
We need to face the reason for the suffering and shame, and speak our truth...to one person at a time. It is an excruciating process...because it takes us out of our survival mode of 'be invisible' and 'trust no one'...it makes us visible to another human being. God, I had to tell my story to my horses over and over before I found the courage to tell anyone...whatever works.
That's when we move from victim to survivor.
Then the deeper layers of the trauma are accessible. We can begin to gain insight and compassion for ourselves and our abusers. This is much like sharing the stories of our parents' childhood experiences leading to their abuse or neglecting to notice what was happening. This is the compassion that we feel for our siblings who were abused and learned to abuse those more vulnerable than them. But after working with and through the inner wounds we have to let go of that deep suffering...
that's when we acknowledge our wounds, stop letting them define who we are, and reach out to others.
We reach out to support other victims and we reach out to forgive those who hurt us so deeply. That doesn't mean that we embrace them and bring them fully back into our lives...but it means that I no longer have to direct any of my energy towards that hatred or animosity or distrust that I feel towards them. It doesn't do anything for the perpetrator, it is all about me reclaiming my energy, my focus, my integrity. That's when we move from survivor to thriver. That's when we no longer need to suffer.
I am ready to thrive. I deserve to thrive. It is my greatest challenge.
You do too.
I understand that you have different ideas about suffering...I respect and appreciate that. I just am beginning to see this as the next step in the journey. I want to walk the path, even if it does repeatedly spiral around common themes.
I hope that you got some much needed rest.
Sending you much Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Soul-betrayal
I am almost overwhelmed with your post about suffering. I think I will have to digest before I respond. One thought that screamed...suffering is when Grammy died. Suffering is when my child needed open-heart surgery. Suffering is the flooding going on in Colorado. But being raped by a parent, being thrown at the wall by a parent, being locked in closets, denied food, humiliated, molested by brothers - this is not only suffering, it is soul-betrayal. It makes something deeper than suffering. It's easy to say detach from the suffering, but I am not sure if one can detach from the internal wound without detaching from life...emotional numbing of some sort.
My son and his wife did say, about a month ago, that they were ready to move back. I think they realize they need family. Why did they move west...first there was the economic incentive of a good job offer. Then, they both have adventurous spirits. And finally, probably to be independent and separate from family. But now they seem to understand how important family is...I want them to come home.
How do you think our family dysfunction leaked into public life? I always thought we were pretty discrete...
I had a strange train of thought/awareness. I was watching the baby, and she looked so familiar. She looks a lot like my oldest. I was going through some old pictures, and realized that my granddaughter looks almost exactly like me - except for the eyebrows. I wondered if some of my emotional release or emotional awareness comes from that. Am I being taken back to me at her age, on some level of consciousness? Am I recalling what had happened to me by her age. I was looking at my baby book - the advantage of being the oldest! By the time I was her age, I had been weaned from the breast to a formula of whole cow's milk with water and brown sugar. And there are quite a few comments about having to take me to the dispensary for enemas. Most likely the cow's milk caused my constipation...don't you think?
I am exhausted after this last weekend, and almost can not think straight...must go to bed!
Love to you!!
Clare
My son and his wife did say, about a month ago, that they were ready to move back. I think they realize they need family. Why did they move west...first there was the economic incentive of a good job offer. Then, they both have adventurous spirits. And finally, probably to be independent and separate from family. But now they seem to understand how important family is...I want them to come home.
How do you think our family dysfunction leaked into public life? I always thought we were pretty discrete...
I had a strange train of thought/awareness. I was watching the baby, and she looked so familiar. She looks a lot like my oldest. I was going through some old pictures, and realized that my granddaughter looks almost exactly like me - except for the eyebrows. I wondered if some of my emotional release or emotional awareness comes from that. Am I being taken back to me at her age, on some level of consciousness? Am I recalling what had happened to me by her age. I was looking at my baby book - the advantage of being the oldest! By the time I was her age, I had been weaned from the breast to a formula of whole cow's milk with water and brown sugar. And there are quite a few comments about having to take me to the dispensary for enemas. Most likely the cow's milk caused my constipation...don't you think?
I am exhausted after this last weekend, and almost can not think straight...must go to bed!
Love to you!!
Clare
"Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary"
Yes, feeling is a step in the right direction. Opening your heart will allow positive and negative emotions to flow. But, at some point you will have to allow someone close enough to help or lead. It is inevitable.
I remember reading Carolyn Myss and she told stories of people who maintained stoic independence and then they got sick or had misfortune and they had to reach out to others...to ask for assistance and support and love...to trust them to help. I am not predicting bad fortune for you...I am just saying that the Divine has lessons for us to learn and if we refuse to learn them in one manner an opportunity for the same lesson will present itself over and over until we have to surrender.
I found this on Pinterest. It struck me as being true.
The Buddha taught detachment as a relief for suffering which is universal.
Perhaps we need to detach from the nidus of the suffering that we are experiencing.
I am not sure if it is as simple as detaching from the relationships with those who started the suffering...
it can't be that easy.
I think it is a deeper place that needs to detach from the sense of entitlement to suffer because of what was done to us as innocent children.
I think it has to do with forgiveness of those who have deeply hurt us.
It also requires forgiveness of ourselves...
I still hold onto the idea that I could have stopped the abuse with just the courage to speak my truth.
I know we've been through all of this over and over, around the spiral again, but this time from a different vantage point.
Perhaps it is time to release the suffering...offer it up to the universe and focus energy on living.
I am so sorry that your son and daughter-in-law are having difficulties. Perhaps they would do better if they came back home. It is hard to say. What was their motivation for moving that far from home in the first place? Have they fulfilled that motivation? Maybe they were escaping from rather than moving towards something. It is just something to think about before they return...are they ready to come back home?
I believe that we moved frequently to escape from our shortcomings as a family...Dad's temper and drinking, Mom being overwhelmed, the abuse that spilled out into the community at times, attracting too much attention which made our family uncomfortable, financial instability.
I don't know...but to stay would have given outsiders a potential glimpse of our dysfunctional world.
I hope that you have enjoyed this beautiful weekend. It was a good weekend here, despite sitting outside in 55 degree misty-rain on Saturday morning for a 2 hour football game. I guess it wasn't so bad...Otherwise the weekend was good.
In the Light,
Maggie
I remember reading Carolyn Myss and she told stories of people who maintained stoic independence and then they got sick or had misfortune and they had to reach out to others...to ask for assistance and support and love...to trust them to help. I am not predicting bad fortune for you...I am just saying that the Divine has lessons for us to learn and if we refuse to learn them in one manner an opportunity for the same lesson will present itself over and over until we have to surrender.
I found this on Pinterest. It struck me as being true.
The Buddha taught detachment as a relief for suffering which is universal.
Perhaps we need to detach from the nidus of the suffering that we are experiencing.
I am not sure if it is as simple as detaching from the relationships with those who started the suffering...
it can't be that easy.
I think it is a deeper place that needs to detach from the sense of entitlement to suffer because of what was done to us as innocent children.
I think it has to do with forgiveness of those who have deeply hurt us.
It also requires forgiveness of ourselves...
I still hold onto the idea that I could have stopped the abuse with just the courage to speak my truth.
I know we've been through all of this over and over, around the spiral again, but this time from a different vantage point.
Perhaps it is time to release the suffering...offer it up to the universe and focus energy on living.
I am so sorry that your son and daughter-in-law are having difficulties. Perhaps they would do better if they came back home. It is hard to say. What was their motivation for moving that far from home in the first place? Have they fulfilled that motivation? Maybe they were escaping from rather than moving towards something. It is just something to think about before they return...are they ready to come back home?
I believe that we moved frequently to escape from our shortcomings as a family...Dad's temper and drinking, Mom being overwhelmed, the abuse that spilled out into the community at times, attracting too much attention which made our family uncomfortable, financial instability.
I don't know...but to stay would have given outsiders a potential glimpse of our dysfunctional world.
I hope that you have enjoyed this beautiful weekend. It was a good weekend here, despite sitting outside in 55 degree misty-rain on Saturday morning for a 2 hour football game. I guess it wasn't so bad...Otherwise the weekend was good.
In the Light,
Maggie
Friday, September 13, 2013
MAYBEMaybemaybe
I don't know what I need. I don't know how to ask. I have been thinking, with Me, too...what message, what contact do I need? So that is the logical question that goes with this week. If I can figure out what would soothe me, bring me back into balance, then I will know what to offer others in the future.
I can't let someone else lead. There's no one else to do it. I haven't let anyone get close enough. I think it's the trust issue you have described with your children. Who can we trust to understand us? And to treat us fairly and kindly?
My daughter-in-law called. They had a fight last night and their son came out of his room and witnessed some of it. He has been hearing it for all these years, but maybe, by running out, he can help them see they are not only damaging each other - they are damaging their children. Maybe by finding the courage to face them at their worst, he will help them take the first step toward finding peace - either together or apart. I love them all, I don't want the marriage to end - but if it has to, in order for everyone to survive and maybe even start healing, then so be it. I told her they can heal, but only if they change. They have to get help.
(When she said he came running out screaming, I thought of you sitting up in the dark confronting B#1. Maybe this precious boy will be the catalyst for change. Hold them all in the Light, please.)
She said she can't do it alone. I told her to quit her job and come to me. I am serious. I love them passionately, but something has to change. It all started from the wounds from their families of origin, but it has grown and almost consumed the two of them. And since I am not there, I can't tell what is happening.
They need to come home. Raising kids alone can drive anyone mad. But when you are already in great pain, raising kids alone has to be excruciating.
So I am leaving messages for my beautiful son, and hoping I can have some time to really talk to him and see what his version is...knowing that the truth is always somewhere in the middle.
Because I mentioned Patch Adams earlier this week, I started rereading his book. He thinks life should be fun, and that we can choose happiness. I agree with him to a point. But what am I doing right now? Am I choosing to wallow in the swamp...because it's familiar, because it's warm-ish, because if I'm camouflaged in slime no one will notice me? Am I choosing emotional? But all this emotion is different than in the past. In the past when I got sad/depressed - I froze. I couldn't react, I felt dead. Now I am crying. Everything makes me feel - a lot of the feelings are bad, but by god, I am feeling. I really didn't consider this before I started writing.
Maybe I am finally crying because I know you are there, just in case I start to drown...
Maybe I should glory in the pain and the tears. They are real and I have so much to cry about. Maybe I should be happy that I am so sad. (Logic warring with emotion = just a little mad!!) And maybe releasing these tears will make room for the funny/silly/joyful - maybe it can be more than a glimmer. Maybe...maybe...
Thoughts about your workshop: in AVP we play a game called Barometer. We make a gauge on the floor - we indicate a point about 25%, 50%, and 73% of the way across the floor. Then you ask a question, and everyone goes and stands at the appropriate place on the floor. It is a way of playing Me, too. Everyone near you shares your experience. So some of the questions could be - Have you ever... and some could be - What do you think about... Getting up and moving can be fun and community building.
Marco!!
Clare
I can't let someone else lead. There's no one else to do it. I haven't let anyone get close enough. I think it's the trust issue you have described with your children. Who can we trust to understand us? And to treat us fairly and kindly?
My daughter-in-law called. They had a fight last night and their son came out of his room and witnessed some of it. He has been hearing it for all these years, but maybe, by running out, he can help them see they are not only damaging each other - they are damaging their children. Maybe by finding the courage to face them at their worst, he will help them take the first step toward finding peace - either together or apart. I love them all, I don't want the marriage to end - but if it has to, in order for everyone to survive and maybe even start healing, then so be it. I told her they can heal, but only if they change. They have to get help.
(When she said he came running out screaming, I thought of you sitting up in the dark confronting B#1. Maybe this precious boy will be the catalyst for change. Hold them all in the Light, please.)
She said she can't do it alone. I told her to quit her job and come to me. I am serious. I love them passionately, but something has to change. It all started from the wounds from their families of origin, but it has grown and almost consumed the two of them. And since I am not there, I can't tell what is happening.
They need to come home. Raising kids alone can drive anyone mad. But when you are already in great pain, raising kids alone has to be excruciating.
So I am leaving messages for my beautiful son, and hoping I can have some time to really talk to him and see what his version is...knowing that the truth is always somewhere in the middle.
Because I mentioned Patch Adams earlier this week, I started rereading his book. He thinks life should be fun, and that we can choose happiness. I agree with him to a point. But what am I doing right now? Am I choosing to wallow in the swamp...because it's familiar, because it's warm-ish, because if I'm camouflaged in slime no one will notice me? Am I choosing emotional? But all this emotion is different than in the past. In the past when I got sad/depressed - I froze. I couldn't react, I felt dead. Now I am crying. Everything makes me feel - a lot of the feelings are bad, but by god, I am feeling. I really didn't consider this before I started writing.
Maybe I am finally crying because I know you are there, just in case I start to drown...
Maybe I should glory in the pain and the tears. They are real and I have so much to cry about. Maybe I should be happy that I am so sad. (Logic warring with emotion = just a little mad!!) And maybe releasing these tears will make room for the funny/silly/joyful - maybe it can be more than a glimmer. Maybe...maybe...
Thoughts about your workshop: in AVP we play a game called Barometer. We make a gauge on the floor - we indicate a point about 25%, 50%, and 73% of the way across the floor. Then you ask a question, and everyone goes and stands at the appropriate place on the floor. It is a way of playing Me, too. Everyone near you shares your experience. So some of the questions could be - Have you ever... and some could be - What do you think about... Getting up and moving can be fun and community building.
Marco!!
Clare
"Polo"
So I am here, calling you back to a safe place. Breaking through to emotions is difficult...but necessary.
I used to think I was the only person who had cut myself off from others...appear to be engaged, but maintaining distinct, rigid boundaries to keep myself safe. I used to think that, I alone, had crafted my wall around my heart and that everyone else was living, feeling, breathing a wholehearted life...and I was left out...again.
But, I have come to realize that this wall is a pretty universal experience...and that one of the challenges of a lifetime is to dismantle it and see our connections.
I think this is Jung's self-actualization...
finally being aware of the collective consciousness...
finding that "Peace that surpasses all understanding".
We are here for this task...
we incarnate into separate bodies so that we can fight our way back to the insight that we are all one...
BUT WHY?
What's the purpose?
Why don't we just remain in peaceful existence in that other dimension?
Perhaps we crave the experience of a solid, flesh and bones body...
Perhaps we need to work through certain dilemmas or learn specific lessons that are better learned experientially.
Perhaps this is just illusion and we really are resting within the collective.
Why am I rambling?
I guess I wanted to explain that you are not alone. That you are very normal and are reacting to circumstances normally. That maybe this is an opportunity to cultivate interdependence by reaching out to someone for support, compassion, empathy...and not being stoically, ruggedly independent.
For 2 days I keep hearing,
"Reach out and touch somebody's hand, make this world a better place, if you can."
Maybe that's the best thing that you can do...reach out to someone...and this time let them be the one to say "Me Too"...let them carry and support you through this time. You have always been the strong one, the responsible one, the one who controlled...perhaps it is time for you to change your role and let someone else lead and support. If you are like me, it will seem like a personal betrayal to ask for help or show my need...but it is an opportunity to grow and love and live more fully. Have the courage to be "excruciatingly vulnerable" that's the sure way of breaking our family legacy...not just the sexual, physical and emotional abuse...but the isolation and secrecy that maintain it.
Me Too,
Break the silence, Break the cycle
We are brainstorming a contest of the local high schools to design an advertising campaign with that slogan. I can't wait to see what comes of it....to see others' interpretations of it...to see it come to life.
I am giving a talk at a women's conference in October about Stress, Disease and Resilience...Me Too is definitely going to be the take home message. I am excited. I do have to work on our survey...damn I have been so busy that I forgot that project...or put it on the back burner...I am sorry.
I am here if and when you need me.
Blessings,
Maggie
I used to think I was the only person who had cut myself off from others...appear to be engaged, but maintaining distinct, rigid boundaries to keep myself safe. I used to think that, I alone, had crafted my wall around my heart and that everyone else was living, feeling, breathing a wholehearted life...and I was left out...again.
But, I have come to realize that this wall is a pretty universal experience...and that one of the challenges of a lifetime is to dismantle it and see our connections.
I think this is Jung's self-actualization...
finally being aware of the collective consciousness...
finding that "Peace that surpasses all understanding".
We are here for this task...
we incarnate into separate bodies so that we can fight our way back to the insight that we are all one...
BUT WHY?
What's the purpose?
Why don't we just remain in peaceful existence in that other dimension?
Perhaps we crave the experience of a solid, flesh and bones body...
Perhaps we need to work through certain dilemmas or learn specific lessons that are better learned experientially.
Perhaps this is just illusion and we really are resting within the collective.
Why am I rambling?
I guess I wanted to explain that you are not alone. That you are very normal and are reacting to circumstances normally. That maybe this is an opportunity to cultivate interdependence by reaching out to someone for support, compassion, empathy...and not being stoically, ruggedly independent.
For 2 days I keep hearing,
"Reach out and touch somebody's hand, make this world a better place, if you can."
Maybe that's the best thing that you can do...reach out to someone...and this time let them be the one to say "Me Too"...let them carry and support you through this time. You have always been the strong one, the responsible one, the one who controlled...perhaps it is time for you to change your role and let someone else lead and support. If you are like me, it will seem like a personal betrayal to ask for help or show my need...but it is an opportunity to grow and love and live more fully. Have the courage to be "excruciatingly vulnerable" that's the sure way of breaking our family legacy...not just the sexual, physical and emotional abuse...but the isolation and secrecy that maintain it.
Me Too,
Break the silence, Break the cycle
We are brainstorming a contest of the local high schools to design an advertising campaign with that slogan. I can't wait to see what comes of it....to see others' interpretations of it...to see it come to life.
I am giving a talk at a women's conference in October about Stress, Disease and Resilience...Me Too is definitely going to be the take home message. I am excited. I do have to work on our survey...damn I have been so busy that I forgot that project...or put it on the back burner...I am sorry.
I am here if and when you need me.
Blessings,
Maggie
Thursday, September 12, 2013
"Marco"
I'm still crying easily and feeling overwhelmed with ...I don't know, being lost. I think what I need is a witness. I need someone to know I am here. Someone to care that I am alive. I need you to yell "Marco" if you don't sense me. And when I yell "Marco" please respond "Polo" so I can find my way back to you.
I think I am going through something really big. There is so much emotion. I almost started crying during my committee meeting tonight. It's like there's too much emotion for my body.
I do have that shame that Brene describes. It haunts me. I don't know how to erase the voice or accept the voice or sing with the voice - what the hell do we do with the messages we got when we were little? I remember being very young and wondering what was wrong with me. I remember thinking it was an unwritten rule - your father has to love you. He gets no choice. So if my father couldn't even love me, there had to be something really bad, stinky, dirty, filthy - unworthy - about me.
This is where we need Me, too. But how would it work? Me, too, I had a difficult father, a hard childhood?
I was looking at the three virtues you posted:
Dimonstrazione- the ability to take risks and learn from failure because of persistence and an acceptance of oneself
Sfumato- the willingness to embrace ambiguity and uncertainty
Connessione- the recognition and appreciation that we are all interconnected, interdependent
Sfumato- the willingness to embrace ambiguity and uncertainty
Connessione- the recognition and appreciation that we are all interconnected, interdependent
I think we can find various levels of these in different aspects of our lives. I can take risks and learn from failure when I am working alone. But I won't do it in a relationship. If I get the slightest hint that I am not welcome, I am gone.
I love to embrace ambiguity - to fly by the seat of my pants - to figure things out as I go. But I drive others crazy. And others affect me with their concrete ideas and expectations...
And recognizing we are connected does not mean we act on it, even though we should. And interdependent is difficult. We were raised knowing we were unwelcome and not to expect anything. We were "good" when we needed nothing, when we took care of ourselves.
I don't think we can control the reveal. People are intelligent. They notice, they see things. We can not control their intelligence and perception. Our job is to stay honest and be vulnerable, and to notice when they are being vulnerable...I think I miss this part sometimes.
So I have lots to process. And I am off to bed. I love you!!
Clare
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Back in the swamp...
Clare,
What do you need to find your way through?
What can I do to help you?
We are meant to carry and assist each other at the toughest times...so what do you need?
I just watched the TED talks with Brene Brown again...
She talks about shame...The voice inside our head saying:
I am bad...
I am a mistake...
I am not good enough...
Who do I think I am?
All the while isolating us...
increasing our disconnect.
So we are back in the swamp of shame...
back to the groping to find our path...
back to the possibility of discovery and growth.
While I was listening I noticed several overlapping themes between Brown's talk and those from the DaVinci book...particularly for the whole-hearted person.
Dimonstrazione- the ability to take risks and learn from failure because of persistence and an acceptance of oneself
Sfumato- the willingness to embrace ambiguity and uncertainty
Connessione- the recognition and appreciation that we are all interconnected, interdependent
So, I am confused, I really felt as if I lived by DaVinci's principles...at least to some extent...but I definitely carry shame and keep myself emotionally isolated...so I have a lot of interior work to do.
So I need to really open myself to being seen...and learn to be comfortable with all of my faults.
Does that mean that I need to have a public confession of my faults? (Can you detect my Catholic upbringing?) Or can I simply be seen and discovered...one layer at a time? Perhaps I don't have to control the reveal...allow others to discover me at their own pace and comfort level.
I went outside today to a humid, hot day...but it smelled so good. The corn fields smell so sweet right now. Despite the heat and my allergies I spent most of the day outside. I walked the dogs. Then I hiked to the North Lookout of Hawk Mountain and just sat, soaking up the peace and beauty. This evening I spent an hour with my horses. They were so sweaty I hosed them off instead of brushing them. I think they were appreciative. It is just so calming to look into their eyes, stroke their long neck and back and nuzzle their nose to mine. I am grateful for days like this.
I am settling into this pattern of less external demands on my time. I think that I am becoming reacquainted with flexibility.
I think it would have been very interesting if you and S#4 had co-habitated. She is so very different from you. Your lives would be very different now if you had followed that path.
When my kids were young, especially the girls, I trusted no one with them. Even husband was under scrutiny. After they were a little older, and I lived closer to S#3 I trusted her enough to allow her to babysit and husband and I could go out for a short period of time. I wonder if that would have been different if more of us lived geographically close? I doubt it. We were told, with no uncertainty, that our parents were not babysitting for us. I felt badly leaving daughter#2 with them for several hours when she was about 7 years old. The sad thing is that she once told a friend of mine that this was one of most enjoyable memories...she loved being there with them.
I don't remember if I shared what my oldest said on vacation. She told me that as she laid on the beach a family walked and played nearby. There were three generations together, enjoying each other's company. She said that she suddenly felt sad because she has never said to herself, "I wish my grandparents were here with me." My kids didn't get attention from either set of grandparents. One of my biggest worries is that when they have their own children they won't feel the need to gather 3 generations to share in vacations and holidays and in everyday life...the example was not set for them.
So, what can I do to help you? Please let me know.
I will hold you in the Light, as always.
Blessings,
Maggie
PS- if you can copy and paste that cartoon about blossoming I would love to use it in future talks.
What do you need to find your way through?
What can I do to help you?
We are meant to carry and assist each other at the toughest times...so what do you need?
I just watched the TED talks with Brene Brown again...
She talks about shame...The voice inside our head saying:
I am bad...
I am a mistake...
I am not good enough...
Who do I think I am?
All the while isolating us...
increasing our disconnect.
So we are back in the swamp of shame...
back to the groping to find our path...
back to the possibility of discovery and growth.
While I was listening I noticed several overlapping themes between Brown's talk and those from the DaVinci book...particularly for the whole-hearted person.
Dimonstrazione- the ability to take risks and learn from failure because of persistence and an acceptance of oneself
Sfumato- the willingness to embrace ambiguity and uncertainty
Connessione- the recognition and appreciation that we are all interconnected, interdependent
So, I am confused, I really felt as if I lived by DaVinci's principles...at least to some extent...but I definitely carry shame and keep myself emotionally isolated...so I have a lot of interior work to do.
So I need to really open myself to being seen...and learn to be comfortable with all of my faults.
Does that mean that I need to have a public confession of my faults? (Can you detect my Catholic upbringing?) Or can I simply be seen and discovered...one layer at a time? Perhaps I don't have to control the reveal...allow others to discover me at their own pace and comfort level.
I went outside today to a humid, hot day...but it smelled so good. The corn fields smell so sweet right now. Despite the heat and my allergies I spent most of the day outside. I walked the dogs. Then I hiked to the North Lookout of Hawk Mountain and just sat, soaking up the peace and beauty. This evening I spent an hour with my horses. They were so sweaty I hosed them off instead of brushing them. I think they were appreciative. It is just so calming to look into their eyes, stroke their long neck and back and nuzzle their nose to mine. I am grateful for days like this.
I am settling into this pattern of less external demands on my time. I think that I am becoming reacquainted with flexibility.
I think it would have been very interesting if you and S#4 had co-habitated. She is so very different from you. Your lives would be very different now if you had followed that path.
When my kids were young, especially the girls, I trusted no one with them. Even husband was under scrutiny. After they were a little older, and I lived closer to S#3 I trusted her enough to allow her to babysit and husband and I could go out for a short period of time. I wonder if that would have been different if more of us lived geographically close? I doubt it. We were told, with no uncertainty, that our parents were not babysitting for us. I felt badly leaving daughter#2 with them for several hours when she was about 7 years old. The sad thing is that she once told a friend of mine that this was one of most enjoyable memories...she loved being there with them.
I don't remember if I shared what my oldest said on vacation. She told me that as she laid on the beach a family walked and played nearby. There were three generations together, enjoying each other's company. She said that she suddenly felt sad because she has never said to herself, "I wish my grandparents were here with me." My kids didn't get attention from either set of grandparents. One of my biggest worries is that when they have their own children they won't feel the need to gather 3 generations to share in vacations and holidays and in everyday life...the example was not set for them.
So, what can I do to help you? Please let me know.
I will hold you in the Light, as always.
Blessings,
Maggie
PS- if you can copy and paste that cartoon about blossoming I would love to use it in future talks.
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