catching up

Clare,

Waiting is the worst thing we are asked to do…
we are impotent…
just sitting with man-made time…
until something else happens.

I told husband time and again he had the hardest job on Thursday…
I was anesthetized…
time was irrelevant…
and yet he had to experience each and every moment of uncertainty.

I slept well Wednesday night…
I was not incredibly anxious.
I think I knew it was time to take this next step.
Even on our drive to the hospital there was a calm resolve that we had finally arrived at the procedure that would remove this cancer from my body.
We were amused that I was assigned to the pediatric hospital…
my plastic surgeon prefers those OR's and recovery spaces. After all of the kidding around about it, it really was a blessing. There were 2 other patients there for the overnight, both early teenaged boys who were very quiet. I had an incredible nurse for my first 12  hours who I really connected with. SHe was always available, but not intrusive…and said some very spiritually insightful things to make me appreciate her and the process. The versed they gave me has wiped away most of the details…but I will never forget how kind she was.

I stayed the first night in the pediatric recovery unit. I was quite comfortable until 3 am when I woke in a significant amount of pain. They brought my meds and then investigated. It looked as if the breast-fairy had delivered me a new one to the left side. I was collecting blood in the drainage bulb and under the skin flap fairly rapidly. About 6am I had a parade of residents, med students and surgeons visiting- no one really saying definitively what was up, but each telling me no to eat breakfast- a sure sign you're going back to the OR. Finally my plastic surgeon came in and explained that the medication they use to prevent deep vein clots caused me to bled into the pocket they'd created. He was sincerely concerned and apologetic. He promised to make it right, and he did.

When we were going through the process of assembling our team for this cancer, husband was quite upset because his first choices were not available for one reason or another. After this week I know that right team was assembled for us. Sometimes we have to trust the Divine to put the right people into our lives at the right time.

I spent most if the past 2 days sleeping. I have short periods of lucidity between pain medication dosages and then the additional muscle relaxants. My daughter washed my hair in the sink. Yesterday I walked outside twice and took a shower. I had husband shower with me and we took the bandages off. That has made a big difference comfort wise- they itched a lot as they pulled from position to position. Now, the only thing that remains uncomfortable are the drains. They will be pulled when they drain less than 30cc for 2 days in a row.

My oldest daughter has been incredible through all of this. She keeps a tight schedule and is making me amazingly healthy, fiber-filled, high protein meals. It is wonderful having her take care of that part of the recovery.
She is going away for 2 days, to Boston to visit a friend and to see Beyonce' concert. She's had these plans for a long time. Daughter#2 is stepping up, with the help of a friend who is bringing dinner and hanging out.

My oldest son is struggling. He is escaping…much of the time without permission. He has been stealing money and was even going to sell the Wii console and games to get money. I let him use a credit card yesterday to get gas, asked him to bring it right back- which he thought was pointless- but then husband checked the activity on the and and he purchased gas for himself, a friend, and food 3 times. He promised to use it only for gas. He is into something serious and I am so not up for the battle.
He sits with me and talks with me when he comes home. I am so confused. I asked B#4 to talk with him, explain how his was his experience with his sons and how difficult all of that was. I hope that works- he needs an eye opener, reality check.

I am trying to let husband make the choices, decisions and then back him up for consistency sake. But, this has got to end.

The pain meds are taking effect- I am having trouble finding the letters on the key boards.
Love and Light-
Thanks for being here,
Maggie