At peace- but guilty

Clare,

I love the blog…
and I do miss the village…
something deep within me resonates with that…
maybe because of my recent health issues and family disintegration…
but I feel a deep longing for that kind of belonging.

One of my insights this past week has been that I have set the example for my children that family is optional. We don't have traditions. We don't even recognize birthdays within our family of origin- well maybe a Facebook post now because that's easy. We don't have holiday memories or reunions. A few camp-outs are about it. How can I expect my son to value family when I don't? Or…at least I pick and choose who to care about. There is no bond…there is no village.

We spoke with our son's shadow…
he is adjusting well,
he is gregarious and hitting into the band well.
He wrote us 2 letters which talk about how he is enjoying it…
very superficial- but positive tones.
The shadow said expect more real emotion as we go through the 7 weeks.

I had an expansion today. It is painful- I sometimes wish I had not opted for reconstruction, but seeing a little cleavage does make me feel more normal. The nurse who did my expansion is the nipple tattoo artist- she tattoos a nipple on each "lady lump" once you have your implants. I'm not sure I need fake nipples- but I will wait to make that decision. It's funny- our cousin and I have had the same discussion- husband and I know they're fake- why do we need the fake nipple?

My usual nurse asked me how our trip went last week and, although I was feeling very upbeat, as soon as she said it I started to cry. She hugged me, reassured me that we were doing the best thing for our son. I have been teary all day.

I miss him, but there is a part of me that is at peace because he is under someone else's competent care. Which brings up feelings of guilt. My youngest is at peace…he and I hiked together yesterday and he talked openly about his relief that his brother is gone. But, when the older one made a mistake or got caught with something- the younger would try to assume the blame- tried to protect him. He is obviously deeply hurt by his brother's insensitive attacks that occurred on a daily basis. I asked him to try to find it in his heart to give his brother a chance to show him his changed heart once he returns. He is not sure that his heart will change…but be open to the possibility I asked of him.

I need to find the words to convey this to my son on the trail. He wrote about a younger walker, very much like his brother. I think he was trying to tell us how much he misses the younger brother. I need to gently explain the level of hurt that exists between them at this point- from the younger's perspective.
Composing these letters is a challenge and an opportunity.

I am spent,
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie