the tunnel

Sedona has long been on my list.  I have a list of places I would love to see, to experience.  I look forward to hearing your impressions.

With your son, I really don't think he only looks at good times.  I think he looks for the  numbness, the escape from the pain. That is truly what addiction is about.

And I am struggling today. Since I quit sugar in May, I have fallen off the wagon twice.  I have become very sensitive to what sugar does to my body and mind.  And although I long for the escape, I have come to dread the physical side effects.  I am falling into one of my depressions.  It feels like I am in a long, dark hall.  I can't see an end before me, there's nothing behind me but an empty hall.  There may be some shut doors along the walls, but mostly there's just forever before me.  The alarm clock goes off in the morning, I sit up and have to force myself to move. I know I'm moving into another day of sameness.  And I don't want to go.  I don't want to go on...

What I want a an immense bowl of Death By Chocolate ice cream. I want to eat ice cream until I am sick, and have stopped feeling.  I want to stare at the wall and eat ice cream.

But I am not going to do it. Instead of numbing these feelings, I am going to sit with them, thank them, feel them.  Maybe someday I will be able to separate what's authentic from what are shimmers of pain from my past.

I have been considering sugar and corn syrup and the deadly combination - high fructose corn syrup.  I wonder how addictive it is compared to cigarettes.  I understand why people who have stopped want just one, then binge.

So, I'm not sure how long this will last.  I know it will pass.  That's an advantage of growing older.

For tomorrow I wish you safe travels, and may yours and your husband's love bring your boy safely through the change he doesn't know is just before him. I send all of you love to wrap yourselves in.

I'll be here, waiting to hear...

Clare