lentils and rice

Clare,
I am back…
I did describe parts of the weekend in my last post…
you may have not expected it, so you did not look.

Today I wrote my son his first letter…
a heartfelt warm letter, telling him that, though he was left in a desert with strangers he was not deserted- for I will carry him in my heart forever.
I also told him about a realization that I had over the weekend that has to do with our family- and with your activist friends' family.
I came to realize that I had modeled the lack of need for family…
and now that he was coming of adult age he was just acting out my lessons.
Getting together with the Delana clan has never been a priority…
neither has it been for husband's side since his mother's death.
In fact- it is something I demean and try hard to avoid…
and while there I put on my plastic face…
make my kids look and act perfectly…
never really getting to know their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents.
So, why should he care what happens to our relationship or family once he is an adult and can set out on his own?
I thought that love would be enough…
enough for him to know he belonged.
But it isn't.
It's a good start…
and one that we lacked somewhat…
although I think our parents loved us…
but they failed to like us.
But he has had no example of family opening up and being there for each other.
I failed to show that supportive feature to him because it is so foreign to me.

When I returned, S#5 picked us up at the airport. I took several minutes with her. I looked her directly in the eye and told her how angry I have been with her for several years. I also told her that when this situation arose she was the only person that I knew could handle it because of her previous experiences with her stepdaughter. I told her how difficult it was for me to ask her for help, but was so relieved that she agreed.
I had turned my back on her- but she didn't on me…
Maybe her childhood really was so very different that she can love unconditionally.
I'm glad that at least one of us escaped and thrived.
On the way home she texted that she never meant to hurt me…
I acknowledged that we were both trying to protect our family…
just in very different ways.

I am making lentils and brown rice. It is what my son will live on for the next 47 days, so I made myself a promise to eat it for dinner also for the next 47 days. I also promised to walk with him in my heart on my daily walk- it will be my way of connecting.

Love and Light,
Maggie