all I got

Hi Maggie,

Hope you are feeling calmer and more connected.  You are really having a difficult time with this healing. Your whole family is healing.  It's almost shamanistic - you have to be torn apart so you can be put together again, brand new.

I was watching my granddaughter sleep today and thinking about our family.  I was thinking about your son's manic periods and about you and S#3 and S#5's stepdaughter all being diagnosed bipolar.  I think S#4's oldest could be part of your group.  And I realized I have never really had manic moments.  I only get to be depressed.  And for a minute it seemed very unfair.  Than I laughed at myself and realized there's something sick about me.

My depression, my not-good-enough, has ruled much of my life. I think your chaos is leading me to look at all of us.  So you, again, are inspiring healing. I am just so sorry it is so painful for you.

I think all nine of us original sibs could have benefited from some psychotherapy.  We all suffered. But I guess it wasn't done then, and we definitely didn't have the money.

And this baby. She is gorgeous and funny and willful...she's perfect.  But she has depression and violence and addiction on both sides of the family.  I think we have a biochemical destiny to struggle with at least one of the many faces of depression.  I think we inherit that as much as memories and broken DNA.  So what do we do? 

We just keep doing something.  We just don't give up on each other or on our kids.  And if we are really strong and healthy, we don't give up on ourselves.

That's all I got today.

I love you. Reach out if you need me.

Clare