Returned

Clare,
We are back home.
What an incredible experience- the highs and lows were intense.
I have never felt so much and cried so much as I did this weekend.

We were obviously relieved to hear the pathology report- no spread of cancer…
no chemo or radiation…
tamoxifen will be discussed next week with the oncologist.

Then the monumental task of telling our son he was not coming home…
going to a program for troubled teens.

It was rough.
He told us he hated us…our family…our concerns…pretty much everything about us.
He was beyond angry.
He refused to go.
He called us names and threw about curses.
I phoned the program's office asking if I could arrange an escort this close to flight time.
As I phoned, S#5 bargained with him…
try it…
if you hate it come home.
I got him to agree to 2 full weeks and then we'll see.

On the flight he and I were seated together, husband had a separate seat.
We talked and he told me about a singer's tattoo that says "trust no one".
I explained that I had lived like that for many years and that it was not living.
I suggested he be particular with whom he places his trust…
so he came up with "choose wisely"…
I promised that, if he finishes all 7 weeks, I will take him and pay for it.

We shared some small talk…
and some important things on that flight…
and Friday morning he reluctantly accompanied us to the program.
The staff were very casual- many in trail clothes- many bearded- very open and welcoming.
I think he truly felt at ease with them- still nervous- but not the clinical "white coats" he expected.
They outfitted him and took him to the trail for 4 days of introduction to trail life and the program.
We all cried when we said goodbye.
I asked him to remain open to the possibilities of this program.

Husband and I sat through 2 days of thought provoking training and introductions. We are both so incredibly happy that we chose this program. It seems a perfect fit for him and us. The focus is on repairing the family relationships- not fixing the "broken kid".

Sedona was beautiful and peaceful. We found one of the vortexes- the one on airport road. We watched the sunset from a nearby spot and then climbed to the top of the rock formation of the vortex. I only made it 2/3 of the way up because of the sandals I was wearing…
but I could feel energy coursing up from the earth, through my legs and into my torso.
One shop keeper- who told us how to find the airport vortex laughed at us when we asked exact locations…he said they are all around and we were already feeling them. I want to go back, with more time, and truly sense that.

We decided to hike on Saturday afternoon…
a desert hike that would allow us to understand a bit of what our son would experience. It was 105 degrees  and we started on a rather flat 1 mile loop. Then we went over several hills that tested our strength. I have been having issues with anemia since the surgery, so I had to sit once as I got dizzy as we got close to the top. Our son will grow very strong through this experience. He will hear that still small voice decease the modern distractions will be silenced. He will learn from the land and nature that all choices have consequences attached to them.

We have sessions with his "shadow" (therapist) each Thursday evening. We are expected to also have a change of heart through this process as well. I already made a giant step forward. When S#5 picked us up today I pulled her aside, explained how angry I've been with her since our family email discussion was halted. I told her how I've held onto that anger. And yet, when I needed help with my son, I swallowed my pride to ask for help. I thanked her for not turning her back on me, despite my doing that to her- and feeling justified in acting that way. I apologized and asked for forgiveness. It felt really good.

I am exhausted…waiting the return of 2 of my children…and then going to bed.
I love you.
Peace and Blessings,
Maggie