evolving is uncomfortable

Hi Mags,

Is your youngest considering any Friends' schools? I know there are some not too far away.

I started through menopause when I was about your age.  It was not induced, so it was slower, but the weirdest symptom was the feeling of having bugs crawling on my skin.  It was so icky, I finally did a little research and found it is a common symptom.  I think I had one hot flash, although I did get night sweats - blankets on/blankets off - all night long.  I controlled my emotions fairly well.

 I have been thinking about family and community.  We want to be closer, we know we need each other.  But damn, that means we need to be closer and get to know each other. And sometimes it just seems simpler to be superficial.  The reason I am off is because I went outside to get laundry last evening and my youngest and our nephew were out there, on the phone. They were talking to S#3. She was supposed to come and visit this weekend.  But because her daughter's schedule changed, her plans changed and she's coming mid-week for an overnight.

I have an agreement with my company that I will maintain a dedicated office space which includes no children. While I am working, my youngest stays upstairs with her baby, or they leave the house.  She is very respectful of my job.

And no one told me about the change of plans.  No one asked if I minded.  So when I was talking to S#3 and being told of the changes, I said that I can't have the dogs barking during lessons or have the kids.  I suddenly felt like a control freak.

And I have been wondering if I am a control freak...


Then S#3 told me she had off and was coming to visit while I am away. I said I was going to be away, so she pointedly asked if she's allowed to visit her son when I am not there.

I realized it is his home too, and I have sort of lost control of my space.

I, of course said she is welcome.  But later I realized I am very worried about having a lot of kids here when I am not here.  Again, I have to wonder if I am a control freak.

I remember being sick once, and trying to tell Mom how I usually did things with the kids. I heard Dad ask what I wanted, and she said,  "Oh, she's just being bossy again."

I joke around about being the bossy one because I am the oldest, but I am really questioning my niceness and acceptance and flexibility.

S#3 was having a bad day, and so talking to me was probably not in her top 10 list of things she wanted to do.  I have to find a balance, and all of this  emotion and unrest comes with increasing the family contact.

My kids snipe.  But today I realized they snipe because they are involved in each other's lives. The other option is superficial, photo op family.

I am not looking for help, just looking within, trying to understand the ramifications of having family.

I love you, thanks for witnessing my evolution...

Clare