Stairway to...?

Hey Maggie,

I'm back!  Finished work early today, because it is festival week.  I have been volunteering all week and I'm tired!  The fest starts tomorrow.

I think I have mentioned having been involved in Reevalution Counseling.  It is peer counseling, and mostly talk therapy.  Amazing things happen when someone truly listens, when someone is truly present.  With this technique, when the speaker hits on something important, there is a release.  The person begins to laugh or cry, etc.  I was with a women's group one night, and we decided to discuss sexuality.  I spoke about rape, about my personal experience.  Now, I think I have handled this, and can speak very rationally.  And I was.  I was calmly, logically describing the effects of being raped on my life.  My voice was calm, I felt reasonable, but my body was shaking.  I was shaking so much that it began to distract me.  The person I was talking to briefly said it was a release, just keep talking.  I did, but finally I stopped and asked what I was releasing.  She said, "Terror."

Eye opening for me.  I still have terror stored in my body.

But the other night I could not sleep.  I am worried about my finances, which is common, but which is a little worse than usual because of the baby.  I started to analyze myself and my pattern in a new and different way.  I don't know if I will be able to make sense of it in the daylight, but I will try.  Financially, I always think it's going to get easier.  And so I make plans.  I invite people to stay.  I invite people for dinner.  Then as the time gets near, I panic and really beat myself up for never getting it right, and I think I should never make plans again.  I should just stay home and maintain.  I was wondering why I don't value myself enough to make things better, although I keep applying for additional jobs, trying to find something more...But in the middle of the night, alone in the dark with my thoughts, I started to shake.

Now I wonder why I have terror stored in me in relation to money.  I am really having a hard time understanding...

I started to drift to sleep and the alarm went off, which means a radio station come on - loud.  I heard, "And she buying a stairway to heaven..."  I woke up smiling.  If I had been a little more awake, I would have woken up laughing.  I think something divine scheduled that song for me.  (Isn't it amazing how important I think I am?)  Still not sure why though.  I guess I should go look at the lyrics.

Why do I terrify myself?  Or, why does money terrify me?

Thinking...and sending love,

Clare