Hypervigilance

Did you notice...we broke 10,000 reads...hopefully we have touched some lives with this dialogue.

Where did that kid live? I can't remember the name, but it was a house towards the race track if I am remembering correctly. I am creeped out by the phone messages...that scares the shit out of me.

I feel as if I am losing control at this point...
not in a bad way...
like a loosening of my ties and tethers which may allow me to move forward.

I am sensing dangerous behaviors in my son and it is making me take a really long, close look at my need to control. I know that my overwhelming desire to protect my babies has made their lives slightly challenging...but I'd rather apologize for being protective than grieve because they are addicted or abused. I have been having daily dialogue with son#1 about his actions...he wants me to care less and I keep telling him that I am not capable of caring less for him. He is suffering from something and can't say what it is. We are joining a group to hopefully allow us to get to the root of the problem. He is mad as hell at me...and part of me wants to just please him and say never-mind...but ignoring problems definitely doesn't work...we have incredible proof of that truth.

I spent most of my life in hypervigilance mode. I used to be awake all night when I was on call because I was supposed to sleep in the call quarters which did not provide a lot of protection...it was also in the basement of the hospital and basements have always creeped me out. I didn't sleep soundly when the kids were young, I was afraid that something would harm them. When they cried I always made sure that husband was asleep in our bed...I trust no one with my precious babies (to this day). I took all of the night feedings/wake ups because I didn't trust any man with a baby...let alone my baby. I couldn't use a babysitter because I was afraid what they would do to my children...I think I had 2 or 3 dates in 6 or 7 years. I am still afraid of the dark...and sleep with a night light on beside my bed. I have to be covered with at least a sheet in my home and with blankets when I am anywhere else to protect me. I have to tell myself not to jump to conclusions when something upsets my kids...don't assume someone abused them...but my mind always "goes there".

I hope that my kids grow with a sense of security and not my neurosis. I have explained to all but the youngest the reasons for my overprotectiveness...and hope that they can separate their experience from my worry.

One of the suggestions from the book is to try to contact one or more people from your past who can tell you their observations of your childhood. It is supposed to be someone outside of your immediate family or group involved. I have been considering that and keep coming back to the neighbor girl who lived on the other side of the cemetery from us. I wonder if I could find her and if she would be willing to share her memories. Is that crazy?

Thanks and blessings,
Maggie