You said you hoped we have touched some lives. I wonder how closely our lives, our families parallel others. I think we have a typical story, even though we have both spent so much time being isolated and afraid.
So lose control and rage. I think I am still there - needing that release. I have cried a lot, but I haven't really raged at the Fates or at Mom and Dad or at the system that rapes us into submission.
I would say your son is a a little out of control right now, especially emotionally. Now is the time for you to be in control. He needs you, even though he hates you. It took my oldest about a dozen years to thank me for being a little overprotective when she was younger. She said she didn't understand then, but as an adult - she got it.
And he hates you because you are the safest place he has in his life. You are the place he can puke up all the anger he has inside. He hates you because he knows he will be loved unconditionally, and accepted, no matter what he does or says. That boy trusts you. I learned this from my toddlers. I always wondered why when I went away and left them with someone - I'd come home and get reports of their perfect behavior. When I arrived, they fell apart. It was because I was there to love and accept them. That never stops. You are safety. You are Mom.
I see myself in your description of yourself. I was afraid of the dark, sort of afraid of being alone, but actually preferring it. I would read entire books every night - reading until I was so exhausted I had to sleep. I didn't leave my kids with anyone either. I was afraid - it was an unknown, sort of vaporous fear. I understand it now, but then, I just said I was practicing attachment parenting. My children are wonderful about leaving their kids with me. And I love being able to take them, and have them for overnights. I know I have broken that link. I am able to be available for my kids, and to be welcome - not a source of worry or fear.
I am not afraid of the dark any more. I don't mind it at all. I have enjoyed walking outside in the dark. But I recently found a cougar print in the woods. Not I am not so sure, not so safe. I found it when I was looking for some herbs with my grandson. I couldn't tell how fresh it was - it was a deep, running track right on top of a deer track. Being with a 3 year old made me feel vulnerable, so we came home as fast as short, little 3-year old legs could move.
If the abuser lived near the racetrack, he was not the one I feared - who I actually found on line one day. I wondered what would happen if I contacted him and told him how much he damaged our family. I know there was something weird going on in his home. When Mom was president of the PTA, there was a proposal to teach Sex Ed in the elementary school. His parents freaked out. They were loud and insistent that the school had no right to talk about sex...obviously, they had a problem.
It is weird how thoughts of this town, this town more than anywhere else I have been, makes me feel uneasy, almost frightened...a little chilled. I don't think contacting the neighbor girl would be a bad idea. It might help heal her too. I know her older half-brother sexually abused her and her younger brother. That "training" is what made her ripe for abuse at the hands of the neighborhood boys.
I could beat up B#1 until I was about 11. I think that is why I escaped. That, and I was hiding in my room with a book!
More tomorrow...I love you and trust you and cherish you.
Clare
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