I'm back...

Hi Sister,

I'm back!  It was a long weekend, and I am a bit tired.  But my guests were such nice people.  They were patient and helpful, and basically very likable!

I was glad to read about the family breakthrough.  Just hold your son to his agreements, because that is the kind of man you want him to be.  I remember that as soon as he was off of a certain grounding, he wanted to dive back into the same situations.  It seems he reacts best to slightly more rigid control.  When he has freedom, he flaps around a little too much.  And then he bruises his wings yet again.  And if you make a wrong move, adjust.  Tell him you made a mistake and remake the agreement.

Are you still looking for activities for your interview?  I strongly suggest you explore the Alternatives to Violence exercises.  I have a youth manual...come visit again...we could go to LilyDale...just saying, just trying to lure you!!

Least favorite child argument occurred while traveling for the forced family fun weekend...recent!

Your description of being back in hypervigilant mode, it's just the pattern of the alcoholic family.  We are most comfortable when we have a drama, when we can be worried or panicked.  You are living what we used to live all the time, every day, and apparently your son has learned the pattern well.  I'm not sure what the answer is.  I thought of a baby monitor...but that level of intervention relieves him of the duty of growing up and taking responsibility.

I used to make my children tell me why they were being punished or restricted.  When they would start nagging for something, I made them explain the situation to me.  They couldn't play dumb, but it also pushed them toward taking responsibility.  It kind of worked...for some of them.  The whole secret of parenting is that none of us have a clue.  The more assured we act, the less we know what we are doing.  It's kind of not fair, and it is sort of related to the breakdown of community I constantly lament.  If we had our healthy parents nearby, it wouldn't be such a maze, or a minefield, to be a parent!

My neighbor said it would be August, toward school time before you knew what you would be doing.  Don't push, don't worry, take a breath, enjoy this time.  It is a gift!  Also, escape to here for a few days.

I had a very strange thought...what would happen if you simply sat and let the thoughts swirl?  Don't touch them, just watch them - like a magic show or something.  Do you think you would get lost, get scared?  Would your head explode?  Would you get lost, twisted into knots?  Would they take you away?  And suddenly I wonder what/who is in the middle of the swirl, making it go round and round and round?

And so I, by virtue of being the oldest, bossiest sibling, declare the first weeks of August as Procrastination Enjoyment Holiday.  You are ordered to put shit off.  If it can be put off, you must do so until we decide the holiday is over - but it can't be tomorrow.  Sit in the swirl, do nothing - ice cream is allowed.  Watermelon, too.

Remember the Native lore - we are here to celebrate, not to control.

I missed you too!

Love, love, love...

Clare