family

Good morning,

I listened to the song last night, but my youngest and her baby were with me, so I got the gist.  This morning, in the solitude, I listened again, with intention, and the tears came.

I stood between Dad and my babies.  When he called names, or started with violent tirades, I warned him, "I don't want anyone calling them names."  And then we left if it didn't stop.  Usually it didn't stop.  He had so much anxiety from having too many people around him, he needed the release, and in true bully fashion, he vented it on the weakest link.

The problem was that once we got home, there was no one to protect them from me.  That may be the biggest loss in our family.  To avoid the bullying, the pain and the memories, we avoided each other.  In truth, and with some courage, we were really the ones who could understand each other the best.  We had survived the same wars.  We could have stood with each other when the going got tough.  Instead, we hid, in our own corners.

We have a family pattern.  It took me years to catch on, mostly because I share the pattern.  When things are very hard, we become very quiet.  And when someone is very quiet, the rest of us just assume that no news is good news...

I have a friend who shares the term "chosen family."  He had a chaotic childhood, and has created the same for several daughter with several mothers.  I guess I think family shows up - whether you want them or not, they/we show up.

We had a Fourth of July picnic last night and I was watching the dynamics.  I just finished The Road Less Traveled, and read the part about grace.  We are all in predicaments that could kill us.  Frequently.  But something stops that.  Grace.  Angels.  The will to live...Grace.  Last night my son and a friend were riding the neighbor's 4-wheeler.  I hate those things.  I hate anything that wastes gas, but also they are dangerous.  We have a young friend recovering from a broken spine from one of those damn machines.  He seems to be healing, but his situation remains precarious.

After rolling the 4-wheeler, my son and his friend walked away with a cut elbow and brush-burned shoulders.  Thank Heavens!  And they were shaken up.  After everyone went home, and the kitchen was cleaned, and the baby was asleep as was here mama, I thought about something I had just read.  My son seems to be accident prone.  He always takes grace to the extreme limit.

I know it comes from his early childhood.  This young man is so amazing.  He is generous and genuine, caring, almost psychic, talented, charming...but he seems to need to push the limit to test death.  Is he questioning his right to be here?  What is it inside of him that he is trying to prove or disprove?  This is much like my defining myself as family loser.  It doesn't matter what the rest of you think, I have my own reality.

Hmmmmm...maybe family is when reality meshes more closely than what we have in our group...

Hope you have a sweet day.

Love you so much...Clare