spark

Sending Light as far as your job search - May you find the best fit and may you do the best work for the world. And, follow your intuition.

Every one of my children told me they hated me, and at that moment, they did.  They hated me passionately.  It is hard to hear, but after my initial shock, may response was always, "I know you do."

I talked to my oldest today.  She was having a tough time.  She wondered what she was hiding from.  I told her it was me.  That she had this loving attached mommy who would sometimes turn into a raving banshee.  Kids always think it's their fault.  The child in her couldn't understand that I was in pain, and lashing out when I felt most helpless.  I also told her that I read something recently that indicated that when a pregnant woman is depressed, it changes the hormones the baby is exposed to, and affects their brain chemistry,  I had a bout of depression when I was pregnant the first time and the fourth time, both triggered by things in my marriage.

The boy that scared me so much lived on our street, maybe in the next block down, toward the town square.  He was maybe two years older than me, and very tall - he looked much older than his age.  But he played in the neighborhood with all of the younger boys.  B#3 was one of his posse, and I think those boys probably abused our brother - on many levels.  But we had no sanctuary.  We were sitting ducks.  The kid carried a BB gun and killed song-birds.  I don't remember exactly why I was so afraid of him, and really hated him.  I don't know if it was just a feeling, or if I am blocking something.

It would be good to exchange memories with the neighbor girl.  It would validate and fill in your memory gaps, and offer her a Me too.  I did a quick search last night, and didn't find her or her brother.  I can't remember the half-brother's last name.

Had an emotional reaction this morning to the family pic - our family of origin.  I have it up as my screen saver, and I keep looking at it, trying to see us.  I was looking at B#3, who looks so much like Mom's family, and suddenly saw Uncle B's smile.  I suddenly remember Uncle B kissing his daughter goodbye before he went to work.  I remember cringing, and she asked me if I ever kissed my father.  I replied - Not like that.  And suddenly I was mad, angry at him for using his daughter.  How dare he.

Rage breakthrough?  It wasn't overly wrathful, but it was a glimmer.  And all we need is a spark.

Exhausted.  Shower and bed for me!

Love to you,

Clare

PS - S#3 told me that she and B#2 had an argument about who was the least favorite child.  Aren't we a healthy family?