A swirl of emotions

Money is also about power and privilege...
using power to influence others is not something survivors do readily...
we remain silent, isolated, ashamed, and hopefully invisible.
I am still reading this book, Miss America by Day...and I am having trouble putting it down to deal with my everyday responsibilities.
I really need to finish it so that I can digest it and learn the lessons.
I sit here reading, quietly crying to myself...
for my own self and for the survivors whose stories she shares.
About the shame and silence...
about not being believed and our motives for disclosure questioned when we finally do have the courage to speak the words...
About our families wanting to keep it all private...
and being told how selfish I am to share a story for my own peace of mind when it brings heartbreak to the rest of the family.
About how most survivors despise the parent who didn't protect them...which causes much conflict.

The author talks about the "day child"...the visible one who was perfect and became Miss America.
She also talks about the "night child"...the part of her who remained present for the abuse, promised that once it was over the day child would come back to heal her...
the day child despised the night child...for many reasons she refused to re-integrate the night child and had many physical symptoms until she was finally forced to forgive herself for that abandonment of her night child.
I had never heard of anyone else who had imprisoned a portion of themselves deep within and then refused to go back...
that's what I had done...we had done...
that's what is buried behind that wall surrounding my heart...
we both know that, we've figured that out months ago...
I never heard others speak or write of that in this way.
I remember a very powerful moment with my wise friend who asked me to forgive myself because at some level I kept putting myself in the same situation...
I enjoyed the attention because we were starved for attention and being molested was at least being touched...
I felt my body revolt when she said that...
and yet it rang true...
I had to forgive myself for abandoning and judging the part of me that was present to the abuse...
I didn't have to forgive those who abused me...
and no one else could forgive my inner self...
this was my task and only I was capable of accomplishing it.

The author's story is different than mine...
but at the same time she speaks the pain and confusion that I have lived with...
asking all of the questions that I have asked myself and researched for many years.
She also does a large section on sibling abuse and how prevalent it is...
and how it is not just games and harmless...
how it changes a lifetime...which it has.
My life was never the same after that first 'game' in the woods...
hot dog in a bun...
sounds so harmless...and yet it forever altered my life.

I am overwhelmed by a swirl of emotions and confusion from this book.
I want to protect all children and vulnerable people from abuse.
I want to heal my own wounds.
This conversation has been working towards both of those purposes and I hope others can see that they are not alone.
There are millions of us...
running into each other everyday...
avoiding eye contact...
our perfect plastic faces...
if they can't see the shame they'll never know

Love and Light,
Maggie