My Power and Control

Many questions/thoughts to address...

First, the concept of forgiving myself is valid and was a necessary step to healing.
I don't think it applies to forced, one time rape...
but my abuse spanned at least 7 years and I did keep putting myself back into the situation where I understood it was a possibility. I never wanted to be molested, raped, objectified...but I was sent out to play with a neighborhood full of violence and disrespect.
The boys would tackle the neighbor girl, rip her shirt up/open and beat her breasts...
"titty whackers"...
they arranged games (7 minutes in heaven  and spin the bottle are 2 I remember) and I stayed put...
they arranged a wedding to a neighborhood boy and I was the bride...only to be told that I had to go into a tent or enclosure with him afterward because "it" was "OK after you are married"...I remember going in with great fear...and remember nothing else.

For some reason I continued despite the intense hatred and fear that I had for the games...
I was more afraid of not being included...
and I don't think we were really wanted around the house unless it was dinner time or dark.

The book (Miss America by Day) told part of the story of the survivor's sister who was also incested as a child by the father...she had a very different outcome because she told her father what she thought of him while he was touching her...she took the power from him...and used it to her advantage...she never welcomed the abuse but she never pretended to be asleep or dissociated as the author did so her recovery did not involve unburying the memories.
I feel as if the night that I said "enough...stop it or I'll tell" was huge...I was able to take my power back...I was able to retain some of the memories unlike our other siblings...

I think the answer lies in where the power rests...because as you have said before rape and abuse are all about power and control.

I am grateful for that night and I am grateful that our B#1 admitted to his part in it...even if he did blame it on drugs and alcohol...a physiologic impossibility because alcohol is a depressant which makes it difficult to achieve an erection. He remembers it skewed to save himself the pain.

As for the memories and how to protect children I am all for transparency...let's open up the bags and spew forth the garbage...it's like lancing a boil...you can't expect to heal unless you remove the nidus of it which is generally buried underneath a collection of purulent material causing pain, swelling, deformity, loss of ability, and systemic disease if it goes on long enough. The problem we are faced with is that you and I are the only ones with the strength to go this route and so we travel together, alone. It doesn't mean that we can't fully heal...it will just take a little longer. For my own health and well being I have created boundaries to protect my healing self from any further damage that could be done by this family of origin. I can engage and interact...but not be vulnerable to them...not allow them the opportunity to cut me to the quick again...I have taken back my power and control.

When you told me that Mom was there to rock me and nurture me I don't feel that is true.
I don't feel the connection...Mom told me that I would eat best when Dad fed me...I am not sure how that plays into all of this but it is sticking in my mind. I think Mom was overwhelmed and too busy...maybe I was laid on a couch with a propped bottle to feed us and laid into my crib to cry it out.
I just don't know why I fail to feel that connection...but I do.

I love you...I feel as if I am spewing pus this week...I am just in need of a little relief...and this beats yelling at my kids for something they have no part in.

Love and Light,
Maggie