death watch

Hi love,

I am very raw and emotional right now.  My little dog is trying to let go.  She is breathing more and more slowly.  It is time to let her go.  I remember her as a tiny girl, all spunky - bossing the husky around.  I could see her, imagine her, last night in the dark, when she was young and strong and glossy, running in joy.  The boys devised a game called Amy Ball because she would not let them play baseball without her.  She was so thrilled every time they got the ball and bat out.  And now she is thin and her eyes are clouded over.  She is hovering between life and death, but has no choice.  She must fall over the brink and choose death.  And then I will be without a dog companion for the first time in so, so long.

I am grateful that the cast is off of my arm and I have been able to carry her, rather than lead her with one hand by her neck.

I can feel I am in the presence of Death.  I feel like a violin string.  I hope I make a beautiful sound.  This morning, I fed her and she threw up, and collapsed.  I started keening.  I felt the vibration.  She stopped breathing, but started again.  Now she is asleep or unconscious, breathing very slowly and steadily and peacefully.  I will not be able to leave her side until this is over.

To add to your thought --- I kind of thought Mom liked me, but Dad hated me.  Dad probably hated/resented me because Mom liked me...I think B#2 was Dad's favorite until he started to get in trouble.  Then Dad rejected him.  I know Mom said mean, rude things to S#3, blamed her, labelled her for things she did not do or were not her fault.  I don't know why she had such a strong reaction.  I always thought it had to do with blaming the victim.  She assumed our little sister was sexually active and labelled her, could not see beyond her own fear of sex, nor imagined forced sexual activity.  She never protected her/us, never saw there was a big picture...Or else, Mom suffered molestation and allowed her own self-loathing to spill out on her precious daughter.  Do you think that is possible?

I remember the day S#3 was hit by the car.  For some reason I was home from school, and watching you all - getting everyone off to school.  You called and told me what happened.  S#3 said she just tripped in front of the car.  I called Mom who was at work, because I was not sure what to do.  She said if S#3 was okay, let it go.  I think I would have been in a panic if it had been my child.

I do what S#3 does.  I hide.  I don't want anyone/everyone to know what a loser I am.  She showed me our pattern - when we are quiet - something bad is happening.  She has been through a lot.  And yet she remains generous and humorous and willing to help.

I had two dreams.  One involved sitting with my neighbor, who is sick, talking - with a puppy on my lap.  The puppy was staring into my eyes, and knew me.  When someone came to get it, it did not want to leave...Then last night, I dreamed I was in the house in F-burg.  Parts of it were mirror image, parts were decorated differently, but it was the house.  And I was discovering new items, and commenting,  "I didn't know we had that!"  S#5 was there and I referred to myself as her mother - although I never had maternal feelings toward her.  She was always mean to me, preferring B#1, and said she was his girl...I just remembered that she used to spend a lot of time with him when she was very young - 2 or 3 years old.  Do you think he molested her also?  What would be the difference if it happened for a shorter time at a younger age?  Just remembering - our stories, our experiences...There were other people, either B#4 or my middle son...and others.  The house was decorated in an older style - wall paper browned with age, oversized furniture.

I had another middle of the night experience, too, that I have been thinking about.  Recently I hugged a beech tree.  Since then I have been thinking about trees.  Last night I had the image that trees pulse with the Earth, rather than have hearts.  As we evolved with hearts, we necessarity evolved into separate beings.  But when we love. our hearts join and we pulse together, strengthening and feeding the Earth.  It was beautiful and soothing and comforting.

My death watch continues...

I love you very much!

Clare