Patience and Trust

I miss you Clare, I hope that you are enjoying your guests.

I really need to let go of some anxiety at this point...
I blew up at son#2 today for making pancakes and leaving the mess for me to clean up...
It was stupid...
it is not an important thing to get upset about...
but I am not here to clean up after them...at least not all of the time.
My point is that I am on edge...
I have so many ideas and projects and possibilities...
and nothing is getting done.
There is no sense of completion.

I still wait on my research.
I still wait for a job.
I still wait for my family to settle down.
I am procrastinating on starting the interviews for our book.
I am procrastinating about getting the clearances I would need to go into schools.
I am procrastinating about applying for my license.

I have my life on hold...and I hate waiting...but I lack the clarity to move ahead.

I sat in meeting this morning unable to stop the swirl inside of my head...
I could focus on breathing for a short period of time, but then the thoughts started up again.

I am feeling less in control, less able to predict the future outcomes, more vulnerable to fate.
I should be happy that I am surrendering to the universe, but it is making me very uneasy.
I feel as if I should be searching for and actively working towards goals, but then I pull back and feel as if the time isn't right yet.
Is that an excuse or am I tuned into my inner self?

I think that deep down it is a positive...
in the past I had to control everything because that was my security, and my sanity.
That comes from years of growing up in chaos and fear.
At least now I am willing to take a step aside, listen to the inner voice and await guidance.
I have been telling myself that serendipity would bring me to the job that I meant to have.
I have been awaiting signs or coincidental occurrences...expecting synchronicity.
I just have to be patient and remain trusting of my source.
I have to be patient and trusting.

Blessings,
Maggie