Loopy

I said Maybe Mom.  She valued us.  She was too overwhelmed to give us what we needed, but I think she had moments of seeing us.  And maybe all we need is a moment - to survive.  If someone sees us, it reminds us that we are real.  I know we need so much more to thrive - and neither of us is thriving!

I have some different feelings about the rape.  I didn't value myself.  I put myself in dangerous situations - maybe I was testing fate.  But I also had another thought, I'm not sure if I have said this before...but I remember thinking that perhaps I didn't protect myself, I risked my safety because in our family it was bully or victim.  I think I was joining your side.  Strange.  I know.  I have moments when I doubt my sanity!

Forgiving self for not protecting self.  Yet we were never taught to protect ourselves...I am going in circles.

In a way being raped loops back to my money issues.  It all has to do with not valuing myself, not protecting myself.  I don't think I am worth it.  Tears are forming...I'm hitting a truth.  I am not worth protecting, I am not worth rewarding, I am not worth being able to relax and enjoy my life...Oh....my money issues are one of my forms of hypervigilance.  Shit!!!!!  I am always waiting for something bad to happen, and since it does, I can never relax.  Instead of the scary thing in the dark, I have fear of looming electric shut-offs and being homeless.  Damn me!  I have a huge knot in my throat.  I want to throw up!

In thinking about ongoing sexual abuse, it seems that the first time is a shock - totally unexpected.  But then you are dirty.  You already did it.  You are already bad.  You are going to get blamed for the game, too.  Plus we are taught obedience from an early age.  And in our family, we were taught about sin.  The first time you were abused, your soul was dirty.  It was your fault, your sin.  I keep going back to - "bad!"  So who cares if it happens again.  Does that make any sense?

Which neighborhood boy did they make you marry.  There was one older kid who used to scare me.  I had to walk home past his house in the dark when I came home from Girl Scout meetings, and I was always terrified.  I told Mom, and she acknowledged my fear.  But it was still okay for me to walk home in the dark - no protection, no sense of learning to protect myself...I remember one night Mom had taken a few kids to church and I was home watching the rest.  Someone kept calling and asking for me and telling me I should come out on the porch, I would get a big surprise.  I was fairly certain it was this particular kid.  I called the neighbor, who complained about the rotten kids on our street.  I finally told him to stop calling or I would call the police.  By serendipity, Mom's car broke down, and the police brought her home.  It probably seemed as though I did call the police, and the calls never happened again.  Even now, I get the heebie-jeebies thinking about that kid and our neighborhood.  And I still wonder how such a sexually abusive culture developed on our street - unless it happens everywhere...

I guess we're in a pus-filled period again!  Let it flow.  We're both ready for another cleanse!!!!!

I know you love me...and I love you back!!

Clare