Clare,
The school in Pittsburgh is a prep school…a few of my oldest daughter's college friends went there. It has a good reputation and, most importantly, he wants to go there.
Tomorrow we are touring a Mennonite school that is about an hour away, which has 5 day boarding option too. I really like the philosophy of this one and it is in keeping with my Quaker ideals. It is also logistically much more do-able.
But he will see both, apply to both, and then make a decision about which he will attend. The Pittsburgh one has an entrance exam that he will take while we are out there- he may not even be invited to attend if he does poorly on that. He is very smart, but doesn't handle pressure real well. I've had him take one practice test, which frustrated him, until I pointed out that the same test is given all the way through the high school for admission- so there should be questions he just doesn't understand. They are looking for the student's ceiling. He still has to compose his own application for that school- he's been working on answering the questions- making notes on a legal pad- but has to actually write the sentences. That is a challenge for him. I'm sure we will be coaching him on that this weekend.
We got several great letters from our older son this week. He still seems to be appreciating the journey and learning more and more about himself. He hasn't complained yet- which makes me wonder if he's still working on the superficial stuff. His therapist said it is usually during the 2 - 3 week that they kind of hit rock bottom and then start to do the real work of change. I love hearing from him. It makes me feel more confident that this really was the right choice and action.
So today's reading was about disciplining children. It actually created a pyramid that had discipline as the very small triangle at the top of the pyramid. Underneath that was teaching- all discipline should be an extension of previous teachings. Underneath that was the quality of the parent-child relationship. Under that was the quality of the parental relationship. And finally, the bottom of the pyramid was our own relationship with ourself or world view. The article basically said that if there is a problem look to the layer underneath for the solution. It's given me a lot to think about.
I can't wait to hear about your travels over the next few weeks. I hope that you meet some interesting people along the way. I know you will enjoy your time with your son's family.
I am disturbed that you are trying such harsh words/phrases on regarding yourself. You are a good, kind, loving person who has worked very hard for everything that you have. Be kind.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
try it on
In S#3's defense, she is coming to buy her son a car. We said he could share my youngest's car, but never put a time limit on it. Nor did my daughter know she would feel a little uncomfortable letting other people drive her car.
I'm wondering if S#3 is feeling like a family member is reneging again.
She and her son only talk about once a week. It doesn't seem to be too much...
I have been trying on labels - controlling bitch, passive/aggressive...trying to see how well it fits, or not. I keep thinking of B#1 saying he didn't like any kids except his own. He was wicked to mine. He told my oldest son he was just a little asshole over and over. That was why my son didn't want his uncle at his wedding. He believed this is what his uncle thinks of him. So, do I only like mine - my grandkids? Am I judgmental?
Trying to sit with my discomfort and see myself more clearly.
I will be leaving August 8, and getting in on August 11. Then I leave there August 22 and get home on August 26.
Maybe I should write a book. I still think all major politicians should put on a T-shirt and a baseball hat, leave their secret service men behind, and travel like a real American.
Tell me more about the school in Pittsburgh. I think it is a gift that you are being pulled into all four of your sister's lives. Wonder when we start to suck in the boys...
I did some editing for my oldest, and she popped out an email of thanks. The last line expressed how much she loved me and apologized for pissing me off...that was in regards to a recent conversation. I assured her it is okay to piss me off, but now we let it go. We are truly family!!!
I love you...
Clare
I'm wondering if S#3 is feeling like a family member is reneging again.
She and her son only talk about once a week. It doesn't seem to be too much...
I have been trying on labels - controlling bitch, passive/aggressive...trying to see how well it fits, or not. I keep thinking of B#1 saying he didn't like any kids except his own. He was wicked to mine. He told my oldest son he was just a little asshole over and over. That was why my son didn't want his uncle at his wedding. He believed this is what his uncle thinks of him. So, do I only like mine - my grandkids? Am I judgmental?
Trying to sit with my discomfort and see myself more clearly.
I will be leaving August 8, and getting in on August 11. Then I leave there August 22 and get home on August 26.
Maybe I should write a book. I still think all major politicians should put on a T-shirt and a baseball hat, leave their secret service men behind, and travel like a real American.
Tell me more about the school in Pittsburgh. I think it is a gift that you are being pulled into all four of your sister's lives. Wonder when we start to suck in the boys...
I did some editing for my oldest, and she popped out an email of thanks. The last line expressed how much she loved me and apologized for pissing me off...that was in regards to a recent conversation. I assured her it is okay to piss me off, but now we let it go. We are truly family!!!
I love you...
Clare
control freak
Clare,
We are all control freaks…
face it we are most comfortable when we can predict what's going to happen.
Surrendering to the process is just not our first choice.
I wonder if S#3's frequent visits aren't about controlling her son as well. She is doing a lot of visiting for a 28 year old child. Is it because she is trying to control him, even from that distance? I worry that she just cannot let go of him in her daily life- not for his sake, but for her own.
What are your travel dates? I can't remember and I am too lazy to read back through to find out.
Are you taking the bus again?
My youngest is not looking at the Quaker schools because they are very competitive, very expensive and have wait lists. It doesn't even help that I am a Quaker- we can't butt the line. He is looking at one Mennonite school that isn't too far away, which would be my choice. His first choice is in Pittsburgh- which means trips to pick him up on weekends or him riding the bus to Harrisburg. I did talk to S#4 today about the school- she knew nothing about it. My oldest has classmates at college who graduated from there who really liked it and did well. It's funny that this might put me in closer contact with S#4. we have a visit scheduled for next Tuesday- including an entrance exam and interview with the admissions director. My youngest is excited. He has to fill out a questionnaire, which asks to talk about 3 books he's read recently and why he liked them. Well, today he started reading. He had to read A Tale of Two Cities for school, so he's using that one- but he needs 2 others. I just picked up The Giver for him to read so he's tackling that one now. It reminds me of A Brave New World, but modernized.
Husband and I walked tonight- we were talking about how much life changes and how unpredictable it all is. We were watching little kids practicing soccer and football- our boys did that just a few, short years ago. They seemed so innocent then. And now they are battling very adult temptations and trials. We are worried about what the older boy will choose when he is finished his desert walking. We both agree that if he returns to this school district he will have to have some structured, after school activities- sports or a job. He gets into trouble when he's bored.
But, he will have to choose….
and we will have to trust.
trust that he has learned from his walking or will learn from consequences of his choices.
This is a challenging time to parent…
that cusp between adolescent and adult…
the boys are in such a hurry…
and we still want to teach.
I can't do what our parents did and just set us free at 18…
we're done!
but I also can't strangle hold them.
We are all control freaks…
face it we are most comfortable when we can predict what's going to happen.
Surrendering to the process is just not our first choice.
I wonder if S#3's frequent visits aren't about controlling her son as well. She is doing a lot of visiting for a 28 year old child. Is it because she is trying to control him, even from that distance? I worry that she just cannot let go of him in her daily life- not for his sake, but for her own.
What are your travel dates? I can't remember and I am too lazy to read back through to find out.
Are you taking the bus again?
My youngest is not looking at the Quaker schools because they are very competitive, very expensive and have wait lists. It doesn't even help that I am a Quaker- we can't butt the line. He is looking at one Mennonite school that isn't too far away, which would be my choice. His first choice is in Pittsburgh- which means trips to pick him up on weekends or him riding the bus to Harrisburg. I did talk to S#4 today about the school- she knew nothing about it. My oldest has classmates at college who graduated from there who really liked it and did well. It's funny that this might put me in closer contact with S#4. we have a visit scheduled for next Tuesday- including an entrance exam and interview with the admissions director. My youngest is excited. He has to fill out a questionnaire, which asks to talk about 3 books he's read recently and why he liked them. Well, today he started reading. He had to read A Tale of Two Cities for school, so he's using that one- but he needs 2 others. I just picked up The Giver for him to read so he's tackling that one now. It reminds me of A Brave New World, but modernized.
Husband and I walked tonight- we were talking about how much life changes and how unpredictable it all is. We were watching little kids practicing soccer and football- our boys did that just a few, short years ago. They seemed so innocent then. And now they are battling very adult temptations and trials. We are worried about what the older boy will choose when he is finished his desert walking. We both agree that if he returns to this school district he will have to have some structured, after school activities- sports or a job. He gets into trouble when he's bored.
But, he will have to choose….
and we will have to trust.
trust that he has learned from his walking or will learn from consequences of his choices.
This is a challenging time to parent…
that cusp between adolescent and adult…
the boys are in such a hurry…
and we still want to teach.
I can't do what our parents did and just set us free at 18…
we're done!
but I also can't strangle hold them.
Monday, July 28, 2014
evolving is uncomfortable
Hi Mags,
Is your youngest considering any Friends' schools? I know there are some not too far away.
I started through menopause when I was about your age. It was not induced, so it was slower, but the weirdest symptom was the feeling of having bugs crawling on my skin. It was so icky, I finally did a little research and found it is a common symptom. I think I had one hot flash, although I did get night sweats - blankets on/blankets off - all night long. I controlled my emotions fairly well.
I have been thinking about family and community. We want to be closer, we know we need each other. But damn, that means we need to be closer and get to know each other. And sometimes it just seems simpler to be superficial. The reason I am off is because I went outside to get laundry last evening and my youngest and our nephew were out there, on the phone. They were talking to S#3. She was supposed to come and visit this weekend. But because her daughter's schedule changed, her plans changed and she's coming mid-week for an overnight.
I have an agreement with my company that I will maintain a dedicated office space which includes no children. While I am working, my youngest stays upstairs with her baby, or they leave the house. She is very respectful of my job.
And no one told me about the change of plans. No one asked if I minded. So when I was talking to S#3 and being told of the changes, I said that I can't have the dogs barking during lessons or have the kids. I suddenly felt like a control freak.
And I have been wondering if I am a control freak...
Then S#3 told me she had off and was coming to visit while I am away. I said I was going to be away, so she pointedly asked if she's allowed to visit her son when I am not there.
I realized it is his home too, and I have sort of lost control of my space.
I, of course said she is welcome. But later I realized I am very worried about having a lot of kids here when I am not here. Again, I have to wonder if I am a control freak.
I remember being sick once, and trying to tell Mom how I usually did things with the kids. I heard Dad ask what I wanted, and she said, "Oh, she's just being bossy again."
I joke around about being the bossy one because I am the oldest, but I am really questioning my niceness and acceptance and flexibility.
S#3 was having a bad day, and so talking to me was probably not in her top 10 list of things she wanted to do. I have to find a balance, and all of this emotion and unrest comes with increasing the family contact.
My kids snipe. But today I realized they snipe because they are involved in each other's lives. The other option is superficial, photo op family.
I am not looking for help, just looking within, trying to understand the ramifications of having family.
I love you, thanks for witnessing my evolution...
Clare
Is your youngest considering any Friends' schools? I know there are some not too far away.
I started through menopause when I was about your age. It was not induced, so it was slower, but the weirdest symptom was the feeling of having bugs crawling on my skin. It was so icky, I finally did a little research and found it is a common symptom. I think I had one hot flash, although I did get night sweats - blankets on/blankets off - all night long. I controlled my emotions fairly well.
I have been thinking about family and community. We want to be closer, we know we need each other. But damn, that means we need to be closer and get to know each other. And sometimes it just seems simpler to be superficial. The reason I am off is because I went outside to get laundry last evening and my youngest and our nephew were out there, on the phone. They were talking to S#3. She was supposed to come and visit this weekend. But because her daughter's schedule changed, her plans changed and she's coming mid-week for an overnight.
I have an agreement with my company that I will maintain a dedicated office space which includes no children. While I am working, my youngest stays upstairs with her baby, or they leave the house. She is very respectful of my job.
And no one told me about the change of plans. No one asked if I minded. So when I was talking to S#3 and being told of the changes, I said that I can't have the dogs barking during lessons or have the kids. I suddenly felt like a control freak.
And I have been wondering if I am a control freak...
Then S#3 told me she had off and was coming to visit while I am away. I said I was going to be away, so she pointedly asked if she's allowed to visit her son when I am not there.
I realized it is his home too, and I have sort of lost control of my space.
I, of course said she is welcome. But later I realized I am very worried about having a lot of kids here when I am not here. Again, I have to wonder if I am a control freak.
I remember being sick once, and trying to tell Mom how I usually did things with the kids. I heard Dad ask what I wanted, and she said, "Oh, she's just being bossy again."
I joke around about being the bossy one because I am the oldest, but I am really questioning my niceness and acceptance and flexibility.
S#3 was having a bad day, and so talking to me was probably not in her top 10 list of things she wanted to do. I have to find a balance, and all of this emotion and unrest comes with increasing the family contact.
My kids snipe. But today I realized they snipe because they are involved in each other's lives. The other option is superficial, photo op family.
I am not looking for help, just looking within, trying to understand the ramifications of having family.
I love you, thanks for witnessing my evolution...
Clare
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Tamoxifen begins tomorrow
Clare,
The lentils are interesting. I make a batch with 1 cup lentils to 4 cups vegetable broth and then add 3 cups brown rice- so I eat the same thing for days in a row. It's easier for me and I don't really mind repeating the same meal. This weekend's I added carrots, onions, sundered tomatoes, roasted red peppers and basil. It is really good and I had it all in the pantry or in the garden. I had the strength to weed my vegetable garden yesterday and found 4 zucchini- 2 were huge. I think I'm going to grate them and freezes them for later use. I also harvested a nice amount of tomatoes that I will throw into a salad tomorrow.
My youngest does not want to write…
even to put away for later.
Believe me I've offered several times.
He is very intensely looking at going away to a boarding school this fall. even though we've missed most of the deadlines he really wants a new start or change. He just feels listless here. I am proud of him for identifying an active way to make change. But, it will be very strange to have him away during the week. There are 2 that we are inquiring into- each boards Sunday - Thursday and they come home for weekends. We will see where that goes.
I went back to Meeting today, for the first time since surgery. It was so nice to be with that community again. I just feel so embraced when I go there. I had a wonderful talk with a Friend/friend about my son and the whole experience. It was nice to talk about it a week later- when some of the pieces that happened so quickly can come together.
I am amazed that I am not self-conscious about the change in my body, post-surgery. One of the things I worried about before surgery was being deformed. But, now that I am healing I don't care. It's funny, today I was thinking about how I feel like a pubertal girl- every week they get a little bigger. I worried about my shirts being baggy and not feeling feminine- but the reality is that breasts didn't make me feminine…I am a woman with or without them. I love the fact that I never have to wear a bra and they don't move. It's a whole different feeling.
Tomorrow I begin Tamoxifen, an anti-estrogen drug. It will put me into menopause so that's the next hurdle. Our cousin has told me that the first month is the worst for hot flashes and emotional lability. So, I have warned those around me to excuse any outbursts. I have to take it for 5 years to prevent any further tumors from starting. They cannot guarantee that they removed every bit of breast tissue so this is the price to be paid. Oh well, it's better than another cancer. I have to keep waking faithfully because there is a risk of clots in the veins on that medication.
Today I allowed myself chocolate for the first time in about 3 months. I've decided that I am going to go back to the near raw diet that I was on, beginning in March, tomorrow. So, today I splurged. I had a mocha latte lite and chocolate covered acai berries. Not an extreme day- but its the first real splurge I've had in months. But, tomorrow I go back to no sugar, processed wheat, dairy (except I use kefir in my protein shake), caffeine, etc. I feel good on this diet. I also have to remember that that pesky mutation is still in my cells and any toxins are potential tumors- so this has to be a long-term commitment.
That's about all for today.
Love and Light,
Maggie
The lentils are interesting. I make a batch with 1 cup lentils to 4 cups vegetable broth and then add 3 cups brown rice- so I eat the same thing for days in a row. It's easier for me and I don't really mind repeating the same meal. This weekend's I added carrots, onions, sundered tomatoes, roasted red peppers and basil. It is really good and I had it all in the pantry or in the garden. I had the strength to weed my vegetable garden yesterday and found 4 zucchini- 2 were huge. I think I'm going to grate them and freezes them for later use. I also harvested a nice amount of tomatoes that I will throw into a salad tomorrow.
My youngest does not want to write…
even to put away for later.
Believe me I've offered several times.
He is very intensely looking at going away to a boarding school this fall. even though we've missed most of the deadlines he really wants a new start or change. He just feels listless here. I am proud of him for identifying an active way to make change. But, it will be very strange to have him away during the week. There are 2 that we are inquiring into- each boards Sunday - Thursday and they come home for weekends. We will see where that goes.
I went back to Meeting today, for the first time since surgery. It was so nice to be with that community again. I just feel so embraced when I go there. I had a wonderful talk with a Friend/friend about my son and the whole experience. It was nice to talk about it a week later- when some of the pieces that happened so quickly can come together.
I am amazed that I am not self-conscious about the change in my body, post-surgery. One of the things I worried about before surgery was being deformed. But, now that I am healing I don't care. It's funny, today I was thinking about how I feel like a pubertal girl- every week they get a little bigger. I worried about my shirts being baggy and not feeling feminine- but the reality is that breasts didn't make me feminine…I am a woman with or without them. I love the fact that I never have to wear a bra and they don't move. It's a whole different feeling.
Tomorrow I begin Tamoxifen, an anti-estrogen drug. It will put me into menopause so that's the next hurdle. Our cousin has told me that the first month is the worst for hot flashes and emotional lability. So, I have warned those around me to excuse any outbursts. I have to take it for 5 years to prevent any further tumors from starting. They cannot guarantee that they removed every bit of breast tissue so this is the price to be paid. Oh well, it's better than another cancer. I have to keep waking faithfully because there is a risk of clots in the veins on that medication.
Today I allowed myself chocolate for the first time in about 3 months. I've decided that I am going to go back to the near raw diet that I was on, beginning in March, tomorrow. So, today I splurged. I had a mocha latte lite and chocolate covered acai berries. Not an extreme day- but its the first real splurge I've had in months. But, tomorrow I go back to no sugar, processed wheat, dairy (except I use kefir in my protein shake), caffeine, etc. I feel good on this diet. I also have to remember that that pesky mutation is still in my cells and any toxins are potential tumors- so this has to be a long-term commitment.
That's about all for today.
Love and Light,
Maggie
goldenrod
I like writing letters also. I like to sit with paper and a good pen and to think onto the page. Unfortunately, my elderly friend who died in April was my last pen pal. I have a couple people I keep in touch with via email, but no one waits for the postman anymore on my behalf.
I wonder how we could start a new movement...
Perhaps your youngest could write about his anger, and just save it for the future.
Our weekend has been hectic. I got the coolest phone call ever. A close friend called and asked if I would be willing to go some place secret...right now. I could bring the baby. We ended up in a lake, swimming, playing with rocks. There's more to the story, but how can a life be boring or wrong when there are questions like that. Then my youngest twisted her knee at work and tore a ligament. She was going around in circles, and finally I said, "It's your knee. It's your pain. Use your intuition. Do we need to go to the hospital?"
We went.
We took the baby since it was obviously going to stretch over bedtime, and nursing would be mandatory. They were busy in the ER - we got home at about 12:30. Long, long day.
We just never know what life has in store for us.
I had a magic moment, early yesterday morning. I was working in the backyard, and was suddenly face to face with a goldenrod that was the exact same height as me. We talked about being spicy and golden. It was a nice start to my day...
My garden is producing beans right now. Something stole my zucchini - both the first planting, then the second. I can't believe we don't have zucchini! Oh well, I'll buy some at the Amish farm. I always grate some to have on hand for zucchini bread or to throw in soups or pancakes.
Closer and closer 'til I get to go see my son and his family. I miss them so much. And I'm starting to feel like something is going to happen...
How are your lentils and rice? Have you invented any new recipes? One of my favorites is to cook them along with barbecue sauce then eat them in a flour tortilla...
I love you. I'll check in soon.
Clare
I wonder how we could start a new movement...
Perhaps your youngest could write about his anger, and just save it for the future.
Our weekend has been hectic. I got the coolest phone call ever. A close friend called and asked if I would be willing to go some place secret...right now. I could bring the baby. We ended up in a lake, swimming, playing with rocks. There's more to the story, but how can a life be boring or wrong when there are questions like that. Then my youngest twisted her knee at work and tore a ligament. She was going around in circles, and finally I said, "It's your knee. It's your pain. Use your intuition. Do we need to go to the hospital?"
We went.
We took the baby since it was obviously going to stretch over bedtime, and nursing would be mandatory. They were busy in the ER - we got home at about 12:30. Long, long day.
We just never know what life has in store for us.
I had a magic moment, early yesterday morning. I was working in the backyard, and was suddenly face to face with a goldenrod that was the exact same height as me. We talked about being spicy and golden. It was a nice start to my day...
My garden is producing beans right now. Something stole my zucchini - both the first planting, then the second. I can't believe we don't have zucchini! Oh well, I'll buy some at the Amish farm. I always grate some to have on hand for zucchini bread or to throw in soups or pancakes.
Closer and closer 'til I get to go see my son and his family. I miss them so much. And I'm starting to feel like something is going to happen...
How are your lentils and rice? Have you invented any new recipes? One of my favorites is to cook them along with barbecue sauce then eat them in a flour tortilla...
I love you. I'll check in soon.
Clare
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Choices
Clare,
It's interesting, your thoughts on the photos. When we were out west I told husband to worry less about pictures and more about really seeing where we are. I have people take a picture of me when I am somewhere, but usually only one to remember who I was that day.
To answer your question…
youngest son does not want to write to the older one.
I have offered it…
left the invitation open…
but he is really angry with him.
Today I wrote to him about trust. On the plane ride out he and I sat together and he mentioned an artist who has a tattoo that says "trust no one". I explained that most of my life was lived that way and it wasn't a good way to live. So wrote about that a bit. That I failed to trust his gifts, trying to mold him into who I thought he should be rather than supporting his exploration of the world. Not his exploration of drugs- but of what the world has to offer. He just has to choose who to trust.
I like writing him letters. I like taking the time to explain myself- without interruption.
I actually got out to weed my vegetable garden today. It felt good to pull weeds. It will strengthen and loosen my arm and chest muscles. I found 4 zucchini and numerous tomatoes under all of the weeds. It's like Christmas in July. It feels good to just be outside moving. I am still walking 3 miles per day. Sometimes more if we take the dogs out in the evening, but I like working through the yard.
That's about all for now,
ove and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
It's interesting, your thoughts on the photos. When we were out west I told husband to worry less about pictures and more about really seeing where we are. I have people take a picture of me when I am somewhere, but usually only one to remember who I was that day.
To answer your question…
youngest son does not want to write to the older one.
I have offered it…
left the invitation open…
but he is really angry with him.
Today I wrote to him about trust. On the plane ride out he and I sat together and he mentioned an artist who has a tattoo that says "trust no one". I explained that most of my life was lived that way and it wasn't a good way to live. So wrote about that a bit. That I failed to trust his gifts, trying to mold him into who I thought he should be rather than supporting his exploration of the world. Not his exploration of drugs- but of what the world has to offer. He just has to choose who to trust.
I like writing him letters. I like taking the time to explain myself- without interruption.
I actually got out to weed my vegetable garden today. It felt good to pull weeds. It will strengthen and loosen my arm and chest muscles. I found 4 zucchini and numerous tomatoes under all of the weeds. It's like Christmas in July. It feels good to just be outside moving. I am still walking 3 miles per day. Sometimes more if we take the dogs out in the evening, but I like working through the yard.
That's about all for now,
ove and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
Friday, July 25, 2014
photo op life
You know, I have that deep longing, too - as long as people don;t really know me. I think I am still working on my issues! I am not terribly judgmental, but I expect to be judged.
And I come from the same place you do. It's almost as if the photos are enough. I just had a strange memory. I was driving through Valley Forge Park with S#3's ex and a bunch of children - a mixed batch of cousins. He was driving, and as we would pass points of interest, he would lean out the window and snap a photo with his camera. We didn't stop the car, we didn't get out - but, By God we have the photos to prove we were there.
That is exactly how I have gotten through all of our family gatherings. There are photos to show we are a family.
Somehow the photos are enough...
If the nipples make you happy, get nipples. Or get something fun or artistic tattooed on your bumps...Do you remember we used to call breasts bumps when we were kids? One time Aunt J. was baby sitting us...S#4 was an infant. Aunt J. asked B#3 if he knew where the bottles were. He told her to just use her bump. That was what Mom did.
Sometimes, no matter how good a parent we are, someone else can do a better job. Allowing that person to do that job makes us an even better parent. And it is healthy to cry. You just keep releasing. You are doing a fantastic job. You have faced everything. You haven't run away from anything yet.
Can younger brother write to older brother?
Our town is having its annual fair. We went down and watched part of a parade. We saw some old friends. We ate fair food - corn on the cob and fries for me. We bought some new books at the library tent. We took the baby to see baby animals and she went crazy over three little pigs. She was pointing and talking with great excitement and animation. I felt like I was in a movie about small town America!
Hope you are feeling at peace. I'm sending light thoughts!
Clare
And I come from the same place you do. It's almost as if the photos are enough. I just had a strange memory. I was driving through Valley Forge Park with S#3's ex and a bunch of children - a mixed batch of cousins. He was driving, and as we would pass points of interest, he would lean out the window and snap a photo with his camera. We didn't stop the car, we didn't get out - but, By God we have the photos to prove we were there.
That is exactly how I have gotten through all of our family gatherings. There are photos to show we are a family.
Somehow the photos are enough...
If the nipples make you happy, get nipples. Or get something fun or artistic tattooed on your bumps...Do you remember we used to call breasts bumps when we were kids? One time Aunt J. was baby sitting us...S#4 was an infant. Aunt J. asked B#3 if he knew where the bottles were. He told her to just use her bump. That was what Mom did.
Sometimes, no matter how good a parent we are, someone else can do a better job. Allowing that person to do that job makes us an even better parent. And it is healthy to cry. You just keep releasing. You are doing a fantastic job. You have faced everything. You haven't run away from anything yet.
Can younger brother write to older brother?
Our town is having its annual fair. We went down and watched part of a parade. We saw some old friends. We ate fair food - corn on the cob and fries for me. We bought some new books at the library tent. We took the baby to see baby animals and she went crazy over three little pigs. She was pointing and talking with great excitement and animation. I felt like I was in a movie about small town America!
Hope you are feeling at peace. I'm sending light thoughts!
Clare
Thursday, July 24, 2014
At peace- but guilty
Clare,
I love the blog…
and I do miss the village…
something deep within me resonates with that…
maybe because of my recent health issues and family disintegration…
but I feel a deep longing for that kind of belonging.
One of my insights this past week has been that I have set the example for my children that family is optional. We don't have traditions. We don't even recognize birthdays within our family of origin- well maybe a Facebook post now because that's easy. We don't have holiday memories or reunions. A few camp-outs are about it. How can I expect my son to value family when I don't? Or…at least I pick and choose who to care about. There is no bond…there is no village.
We spoke with our son's shadow…
he is adjusting well,
he is gregarious and hitting into the band well.
He wrote us 2 letters which talk about how he is enjoying it…
very superficial- but positive tones.
The shadow said expect more real emotion as we go through the 7 weeks.
I had an expansion today. It is painful- I sometimes wish I had not opted for reconstruction, but seeing a little cleavage does make me feel more normal. The nurse who did my expansion is the nipple tattoo artist- she tattoos a nipple on each "lady lump" once you have your implants. I'm not sure I need fake nipples- but I will wait to make that decision. It's funny- our cousin and I have had the same discussion- husband and I know they're fake- why do we need the fake nipple?
My usual nurse asked me how our trip went last week and, although I was feeling very upbeat, as soon as she said it I started to cry. She hugged me, reassured me that we were doing the best thing for our son. I have been teary all day.
I miss him, but there is a part of me that is at peace because he is under someone else's competent care. Which brings up feelings of guilt. My youngest is at peace…he and I hiked together yesterday and he talked openly about his relief that his brother is gone. But, when the older one made a mistake or got caught with something- the younger would try to assume the blame- tried to protect him. He is obviously deeply hurt by his brother's insensitive attacks that occurred on a daily basis. I asked him to try to find it in his heart to give his brother a chance to show him his changed heart once he returns. He is not sure that his heart will change…but be open to the possibility I asked of him.
I need to find the words to convey this to my son on the trail. He wrote about a younger walker, very much like his brother. I think he was trying to tell us how much he misses the younger brother. I need to gently explain the level of hurt that exists between them at this point- from the younger's perspective.
Composing these letters is a challenge and an opportunity.
I am spent,
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
I love the blog…
and I do miss the village…
something deep within me resonates with that…
maybe because of my recent health issues and family disintegration…
but I feel a deep longing for that kind of belonging.
One of my insights this past week has been that I have set the example for my children that family is optional. We don't have traditions. We don't even recognize birthdays within our family of origin- well maybe a Facebook post now because that's easy. We don't have holiday memories or reunions. A few camp-outs are about it. How can I expect my son to value family when I don't? Or…at least I pick and choose who to care about. There is no bond…there is no village.
We spoke with our son's shadow…
he is adjusting well,
he is gregarious and hitting into the band well.
He wrote us 2 letters which talk about how he is enjoying it…
very superficial- but positive tones.
The shadow said expect more real emotion as we go through the 7 weeks.
I had an expansion today. It is painful- I sometimes wish I had not opted for reconstruction, but seeing a little cleavage does make me feel more normal. The nurse who did my expansion is the nipple tattoo artist- she tattoos a nipple on each "lady lump" once you have your implants. I'm not sure I need fake nipples- but I will wait to make that decision. It's funny- our cousin and I have had the same discussion- husband and I know they're fake- why do we need the fake nipple?
My usual nurse asked me how our trip went last week and, although I was feeling very upbeat, as soon as she said it I started to cry. She hugged me, reassured me that we were doing the best thing for our son. I have been teary all day.
I miss him, but there is a part of me that is at peace because he is under someone else's competent care. Which brings up feelings of guilt. My youngest is at peace…he and I hiked together yesterday and he talked openly about his relief that his brother is gone. But, when the older one made a mistake or got caught with something- the younger would try to assume the blame- tried to protect him. He is obviously deeply hurt by his brother's insensitive attacks that occurred on a daily basis. I asked him to try to find it in his heart to give his brother a chance to show him his changed heart once he returns. He is not sure that his heart will change…but be open to the possibility I asked of him.
I need to find the words to convey this to my son on the trail. He wrote about a younger walker, very much like his brother. I think he was trying to tell us how much he misses the younger brother. I need to gently explain the level of hurt that exists between them at this point- from the younger's perspective.
Composing these letters is a challenge and an opportunity.
I am spent,
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
back to the abuser
My daughter has a close friend who has been mentioned here. She has sort of disappeared lately. I know she has classes 5 days a week, and she works 5 evenings a week, and she was helping her mom who hurt her arm at work. So, I wasn't exactly worried.
But the last time she disappeared, it was because she was involved with an abusive boyfriend. And she's back with him...
I don't understand why.
When they broke up, and she talked about what had happened in the relationship. I didn't think she would ever go back to him. I can see making the same mistake with a different man - learning the patterns...But going back to someone who left you bruised.
Why?
Why do we think we are so unlovable? Why are we so anxious to be validated by a man's attention?
It's late. I'm going to go ruminate.
Love and hugs to you...
Clare
But the last time she disappeared, it was because she was involved with an abusive boyfriend. And she's back with him...
I don't understand why.
When they broke up, and she talked about what had happened in the relationship. I didn't think she would ever go back to him. I can see making the same mistake with a different man - learning the patterns...But going back to someone who left you bruised.
Why?
Why do we think we are so unlovable? Why are we so anxious to be validated by a man's attention?
It's late. I'm going to go ruminate.
Love and hugs to you...
Clare
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
synchronicity
Synchronicity: My daughter-in-law sent me this blog. It was in my email early this morning, so it was the first thing that I read, and thought about.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bunmi-laditan/i-miss-the-village_b_5585677.html
This is what we didn't know we wanted, but needed so desperately.
So, my house is quiet. I am the only human at home. I am enjoying the silence, on many levels.
You wrote about light vs darkness/absence of light. I often think of shadow, we are blocking the light, or turning our back on the light. Then I saw your son's therapist is called his shadow. Perhaps he shelters your son from too much light too fast...
Houses are cleanable. Remember that. I have probably explained my twenty-year rule, but just in case - always ask yourself, will we remember that the house was clean in twenty years? or will we remember the drama it took to get it clean? Repeated experiments proved - every time - the dirty dishes will still be there in the morning, and they still get clean.
I think the pressure you were feeling physically was symbolic of the pressure you are feeling with all aspects of healing. Slow down, take care of you, too. Please...
I was wondering if you were thinking about seeds of greatness in each of your children. I was thinking about yours - your seeds of greatness. I remember you as a child being practical, present, cheerful, funny. You never let anything stop you. Something in you knew you were worth it. You wanted singing lessons, you figured out how to make it happen. You knew you could do it. You said you were going to be a doctor when you were 7 years old, and you never let anything sway you. You know how to keep your eye on the goal, and not let us see you sweat as your achieve it - you do it with lots of grace and finesse. You also notice people...that is a gift.
I've been thinking more about depression, not because I want advice or an escape, but because I want to understand. I remember seeing a quote, and I looked for it for a long time today, and finally found it:
“It is no measure of good health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” ~Jiddu Krishnamurti
I think if we are aware, we have to be depressed on some level. That inward sadness motivates us to see, to understand, to act, to change. When we look at our society, it is overwhelmingly painful. And when we are raised in violent, dysfunctional homes, the pain seems inescapable. Or paralyzing.
I was thinking about treatment, about working part-time and not having coverage. Of being terrified of missing work, because of being one missed paycheck away from disaster. Some people don't need meds to show up. These people are suffering, but who cares. They show up and support the system.
It always comes back down to slavery. We are slaves of the system, we are slaves of our past. But we need to feel it, experience it.
Impressions of dawn - my absolute favorite time of day.
I look forward to hearing more about the assignments and family reactions. I really respect this program you have chosen.
Love and hugs and prayers for peace,
Clare
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bunmi-laditan/i-miss-the-village_b_5585677.html
This is what we didn't know we wanted, but needed so desperately.
So, my house is quiet. I am the only human at home. I am enjoying the silence, on many levels.
You wrote about light vs darkness/absence of light. I often think of shadow, we are blocking the light, or turning our back on the light. Then I saw your son's therapist is called his shadow. Perhaps he shelters your son from too much light too fast...
Houses are cleanable. Remember that. I have probably explained my twenty-year rule, but just in case - always ask yourself, will we remember that the house was clean in twenty years? or will we remember the drama it took to get it clean? Repeated experiments proved - every time - the dirty dishes will still be there in the morning, and they still get clean.
I think the pressure you were feeling physically was symbolic of the pressure you are feeling with all aspects of healing. Slow down, take care of you, too. Please...
I was wondering if you were thinking about seeds of greatness in each of your children. I was thinking about yours - your seeds of greatness. I remember you as a child being practical, present, cheerful, funny. You never let anything stop you. Something in you knew you were worth it. You wanted singing lessons, you figured out how to make it happen. You knew you could do it. You said you were going to be a doctor when you were 7 years old, and you never let anything sway you. You know how to keep your eye on the goal, and not let us see you sweat as your achieve it - you do it with lots of grace and finesse. You also notice people...that is a gift.
I've been thinking more about depression, not because I want advice or an escape, but because I want to understand. I remember seeing a quote, and I looked for it for a long time today, and finally found it:
“It is no measure of good health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” ~Jiddu Krishnamurti
I think if we are aware, we have to be depressed on some level. That inward sadness motivates us to see, to understand, to act, to change. When we look at our society, it is overwhelmingly painful. And when we are raised in violent, dysfunctional homes, the pain seems inescapable. Or paralyzing.
I was thinking about treatment, about working part-time and not having coverage. Of being terrified of missing work, because of being one missed paycheck away from disaster. Some people don't need meds to show up. These people are suffering, but who cares. They show up and support the system.
It always comes back down to slavery. We are slaves of the system, we are slaves of our past. But we need to feel it, experience it.
Impressions of dawn - my absolute favorite time of day.
I look forward to hearing more about the assignments and family reactions. I really respect this program you have chosen.
Love and hugs and prayers for peace,
Clare
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Seeds of Greatness
Clare,
You are correct- no one in our family escaped unscathed from the dysfunction. As I walked this morning I thought more about S#5's conversation with me. My brain went to an medical analogy- with deep wounds you can let them superficially close which generally ends up with abscess and/or disability or you can debride the dead tissue- sometimes many times over- until the tissue base is healthy and can fill in from the bottom up. I think S#5 was looking for the quick fix- but only the Universe knows what's festering under there. But, the work that you and I are doing is the debridement and deep healing. It is not fast, easy or painless.
I have challenged myself to have a heart to heart talk with Dad. Share our recurrent lives' patterns of abuse, failing to recognize the divine being in each other, hurting each other along the way. I don't know where it will lead- but I am really being pushed to initiate this. So, my chicken-self wants to write a letter- but my more mature self knows this needs to be done in person. I will try to schedule a visit with them.
Today our son received our first letters to him. His shadow (therapist) visited with him and took along our letters. Husband and I wrote a "seed of greatness" letter to him. Offering stories and insights as to his strengths and personality traits. The program is based upon the philosophy that each person has seeds of greatness within them that must be nurtured. It was hard for me to remember specifics of his birth and young life. I think I was so tired and overwhelmed that I did life day-by-day. But, we composed a letter focusing on his freedom to be in the moment, make friends with the outcasts, and his love of adventure and thrills. The other letters we each wrote separately. Mine focused on the things that I learned over the past weekend- mostly how my fears and expectations of abuse and addiction kept me from trusting and enjoying him and his ways. I am not accepting his drug use- but he has been making better choices and thinking things through since he started with the Reiki healer. The cancer diagnosis just pushed him too far over the edge, necessitating this program.
We will receive his letters to us on Thursday. I am not sure what to expect- but I will deal with whatever he sends my way.
I cleaned my house today-vaccuumed, mopped, unloaded the dishwasher and did some laundry- then fell asleep for several hours. I woke up with my chest wall feeling as if it was in a mammogram compression vice. I guess I over-worked the muscles. I just hate to see the house getting dirty.
So, this week's lessons for my son (and us) focuses on Light and the darkness (absence of Light). It is a good place to begin. One that I've/we've explored together many times in this blog. The assignment was to watch the sunrise and write our impressions of the dawn. We have daily homework.
I hope that you have a wonderful day.
Love and Light,
Maggie
You are correct- no one in our family escaped unscathed from the dysfunction. As I walked this morning I thought more about S#5's conversation with me. My brain went to an medical analogy- with deep wounds you can let them superficially close which generally ends up with abscess and/or disability or you can debride the dead tissue- sometimes many times over- until the tissue base is healthy and can fill in from the bottom up. I think S#5 was looking for the quick fix- but only the Universe knows what's festering under there. But, the work that you and I are doing is the debridement and deep healing. It is not fast, easy or painless.
I have challenged myself to have a heart to heart talk with Dad. Share our recurrent lives' patterns of abuse, failing to recognize the divine being in each other, hurting each other along the way. I don't know where it will lead- but I am really being pushed to initiate this. So, my chicken-self wants to write a letter- but my more mature self knows this needs to be done in person. I will try to schedule a visit with them.
Today our son received our first letters to him. His shadow (therapist) visited with him and took along our letters. Husband and I wrote a "seed of greatness" letter to him. Offering stories and insights as to his strengths and personality traits. The program is based upon the philosophy that each person has seeds of greatness within them that must be nurtured. It was hard for me to remember specifics of his birth and young life. I think I was so tired and overwhelmed that I did life day-by-day. But, we composed a letter focusing on his freedom to be in the moment, make friends with the outcasts, and his love of adventure and thrills. The other letters we each wrote separately. Mine focused on the things that I learned over the past weekend- mostly how my fears and expectations of abuse and addiction kept me from trusting and enjoying him and his ways. I am not accepting his drug use- but he has been making better choices and thinking things through since he started with the Reiki healer. The cancer diagnosis just pushed him too far over the edge, necessitating this program.
We will receive his letters to us on Thursday. I am not sure what to expect- but I will deal with whatever he sends my way.
I cleaned my house today-vaccuumed, mopped, unloaded the dishwasher and did some laundry- then fell asleep for several hours. I woke up with my chest wall feeling as if it was in a mammogram compression vice. I guess I over-worked the muscles. I just hate to see the house getting dirty.
So, this week's lessons for my son (and us) focuses on Light and the darkness (absence of Light). It is a good place to begin. One that I've/we've explored together many times in this blog. The assignment was to watch the sunrise and write our impressions of the dawn. We have daily homework.
I hope that you have a wonderful day.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, July 21, 2014
sisters
Hi Sister...
We blogged at the same time this morning. As I posted mine, I saw that you had posted. It had to have come up as I was writing.
I am glad that you had the moment of true vulnerability and love and connection with S#5. It is part of the healing. To be whole and hale, we have to be vulnerable and open. It's all part of the healing, as much as removal of your breasts to expose the psychic wounds.
Maybe we should take a sisters weekend together with the 5 of us...no one left out. Because when I was left out, I kind of didn't care - I saw you all as different, but it kind of hurt like hell, because I have spent so much of my life on the outside. I like the outside. I like independence. I have an amazing capacity for spending time alone...but...
And you're right. We only have superficial relationships. But it was necessary. Maybe we weren't consciously aware, but we knew about the abuse, we knew about the sexual predation. We knew we had to keep a distance, we had to protect our babies. And we did...I think we both did - we protected them from the family pedophiles. But neither of us has been strong enough to protect them from our defensiveness and anger or from the family line of addictive behavior.
But maybe that's their job. We stopped the sexual attacks in our families. Now our children have to face addiction and take it on.
And don't idealize S#5. She is one of us. She would not been so anxious to stop us had she not known what we were going to say. She and S#4 may not have been sexually abused, but they were part of a dysfunctionally alcoholic home. They know. They may not have taken as hard a hit as the older sibs, but they know.
She always has everything under control. That is a sign of being raised in alcoholic chaos. But she married well. She married someone stable and accommodating and mature. She has had remarkable experiences with his absences, with caring for his children - she has been able to develop real strengths.
My neighbor is checking in, so I gotta run...enjoy your lentils!
Love and hugs,
Clare
We blogged at the same time this morning. As I posted mine, I saw that you had posted. It had to have come up as I was writing.
I am glad that you had the moment of true vulnerability and love and connection with S#5. It is part of the healing. To be whole and hale, we have to be vulnerable and open. It's all part of the healing, as much as removal of your breasts to expose the psychic wounds.
Maybe we should take a sisters weekend together with the 5 of us...no one left out. Because when I was left out, I kind of didn't care - I saw you all as different, but it kind of hurt like hell, because I have spent so much of my life on the outside. I like the outside. I like independence. I have an amazing capacity for spending time alone...but...
And you're right. We only have superficial relationships. But it was necessary. Maybe we weren't consciously aware, but we knew about the abuse, we knew about the sexual predation. We knew we had to keep a distance, we had to protect our babies. And we did...I think we both did - we protected them from the family pedophiles. But neither of us has been strong enough to protect them from our defensiveness and anger or from the family line of addictive behavior.
But maybe that's their job. We stopped the sexual attacks in our families. Now our children have to face addiction and take it on.
And don't idealize S#5. She is one of us. She would not been so anxious to stop us had she not known what we were going to say. She and S#4 may not have been sexually abused, but they were part of a dysfunctionally alcoholic home. They know. They may not have taken as hard a hit as the older sibs, but they know.
She always has everything under control. That is a sign of being raised in alcoholic chaos. But she married well. She married someone stable and accommodating and mature. She has had remarkable experiences with his absences, with caring for his children - she has been able to develop real strengths.
My neighbor is checking in, so I gotta run...enjoy your lentils!
Love and hugs,
Clare
lentils and rice
Clare,
I am back…
I did describe parts of the weekend in my last post…
you may have not expected it, so you did not look.
Today I wrote my son his first letter…
a heartfelt warm letter, telling him that, though he was left in a desert with strangers he was not deserted- for I will carry him in my heart forever.
I also told him about a realization that I had over the weekend that has to do with our family- and with your activist friends' family.
I came to realize that I had modeled the lack of need for family…
and now that he was coming of adult age he was just acting out my lessons.
Getting together with the Delana clan has never been a priority…
neither has it been for husband's side since his mother's death.
In fact- it is something I demean and try hard to avoid…
and while there I put on my plastic face…
make my kids look and act perfectly…
never really getting to know their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents.
So, why should he care what happens to our relationship or family once he is an adult and can set out on his own?
I thought that love would be enough…
enough for him to know he belonged.
But it isn't.
It's a good start…
and one that we lacked somewhat…
although I think our parents loved us…
but they failed to like us.
But he has had no example of family opening up and being there for each other.
I failed to show that supportive feature to him because it is so foreign to me.
When I returned, S#5 picked us up at the airport. I took several minutes with her. I looked her directly in the eye and told her how angry I have been with her for several years. I also told her that when this situation arose she was the only person that I knew could handle it because of her previous experiences with her stepdaughter. I told her how difficult it was for me to ask her for help, but was so relieved that she agreed.
I had turned my back on her- but she didn't on me…
Maybe her childhood really was so very different that she can love unconditionally.
I'm glad that at least one of us escaped and thrived.
On the way home she texted that she never meant to hurt me…
I acknowledged that we were both trying to protect our family…
just in very different ways.
I am making lentils and brown rice. It is what my son will live on for the next 47 days, so I made myself a promise to eat it for dinner also for the next 47 days. I also promised to walk with him in my heart on my daily walk- it will be my way of connecting.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am back…
I did describe parts of the weekend in my last post…
you may have not expected it, so you did not look.
Today I wrote my son his first letter…
a heartfelt warm letter, telling him that, though he was left in a desert with strangers he was not deserted- for I will carry him in my heart forever.
I also told him about a realization that I had over the weekend that has to do with our family- and with your activist friends' family.
I came to realize that I had modeled the lack of need for family…
and now that he was coming of adult age he was just acting out my lessons.
Getting together with the Delana clan has never been a priority…
neither has it been for husband's side since his mother's death.
In fact- it is something I demean and try hard to avoid…
and while there I put on my plastic face…
make my kids look and act perfectly…
never really getting to know their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents.
So, why should he care what happens to our relationship or family once he is an adult and can set out on his own?
I thought that love would be enough…
enough for him to know he belonged.
But it isn't.
It's a good start…
and one that we lacked somewhat…
although I think our parents loved us…
but they failed to like us.
But he has had no example of family opening up and being there for each other.
I failed to show that supportive feature to him because it is so foreign to me.
When I returned, S#5 picked us up at the airport. I took several minutes with her. I looked her directly in the eye and told her how angry I have been with her for several years. I also told her that when this situation arose she was the only person that I knew could handle it because of her previous experiences with her stepdaughter. I told her how difficult it was for me to ask her for help, but was so relieved that she agreed.
I had turned my back on her- but she didn't on me…
Maybe her childhood really was so very different that she can love unconditionally.
I'm glad that at least one of us escaped and thrived.
On the way home she texted that she never meant to hurt me…
I acknowledged that we were both trying to protect our family…
just in very different ways.
I am making lentils and brown rice. It is what my son will live on for the next 47 days, so I made myself a promise to eat it for dinner also for the next 47 days. I also promised to walk with him in my heart on my daily walk- it will be my way of connecting.
Love and Light,
Maggie
more from the fifth
I have a day sort-of off, and so I slept past 5:00 am. And my mind is working overtime.
I had a chance to talk to the person I named myself for. She is an inspiration. There is a family of activists, most have gone to prison - mostly for protesting war. I was wondering what made them so fearless. Then I started thinking about my moments of fearfulness. When I am controlled by my fear, I am usually alone, and all of my "I'm not good enough....I don't deserve" triggers are flaming in my soul.
Maybe "I'm not good enough" is partly "I'm not worthy" and partly "I am bad."
I'll have to think about this...
In this activist family, though, they live near each other. The cousins are like siblings. If someone goes to prison, the rest of the family rallies and absorbs the kids. They are safe and nurtured, and home.
One of them was recently arrested and sentenced to a year in prison, although she was not participating in the protest, she was simply photographing the others. I think she was recognized. And the judge said she can't keep thumbing her nose at the law.
What I've been thinking is - we live in an area where the Underground Railroad was strong. There are many stations here. There are occasional tours, books. People are proud. It's easy to sit here and now and be proud to own something that was used for good. But why can't we take the step back and realize that those who were involved were considered bad. They were thumbing their nose at the laws that made it legal to own human beings.
If there were an Underground Railroad today, who would have the courage to participate? Only those who are out there, dedicating their lives to peace, truly sacrificing a year of their life with their children for the sake of someone else's children.
In thinking about myself and the activism I have done, which never involved arrest - one time I was very close to being arrested...I had made arrangements for my children and was ready to go on the line when the cops backed off. And my adrenaline was rushing. I felt alive. But mostly I am in the background, a support person. I am afraid. I am not good enough. There is something in me that is Catholic girl "bad."
So from this family to another man I know...my mind has been whirring this morning. I have a neighbor with a farm. He has an old horse he has been protecting for years. And he has a couple roosters that needed a home. I applaud that rescuer in him, that urge to protect. His critters all stay in the barn, usually with the door open. If I have the story straight, two of the roosters were fighting. Two were up on the roosts, the one that was losing the fight, the third one, was on the ground. A fox most likely got the one of the ground. All my neighbor found were some feathers.
Now he is on a vendetta, shooting foxes. And it is breaking my heart.
You don't leave the doors open and become upset if a hungry animals takes advantage of your invitation. It's like leaving money on your "property" on the side of the road and shooting anyone who picks it up.
I hate this ownership idea we have. We truly can't own property. First, because if we don't pay taxes- the government takes it from us. If it was truly ours, no one could take it for any reason. But second, we live short lives. The Earth is long lived. We simply steward for a short while. We have forgotten. We have forgotten to consider the next generation, much less the seventh generation - because we own whatever we can buy, and we can do whatever we want...
This neighbor...there was a dead tree near one of his ponds. One day I saw a green heron there. I was excited - it was the first time I ever saw one. I talked to a birder-friend. He told me that this was a perfect place for them - a snag tree near a pond. Soon after, days after, the neighbor cut down the tree. Because it was dead. He didn't like it. It didn't look good. He had no idea he destroyed habitat, because he only recognizes the creatures he owns.
And damn it, chickens are from Africa. They are here because we have enslaved them. They don't belong here, in this habitat, which is why they are such easy prey. Foxes live here. This is their home. It has been theirs long before it was ours - we Euro-American invaders.
He is trapped in his fifth chakra - trying to control everything. Just like the rest of us...
But we can't do this anymore if we want to survive as a species. We have to climb into our sixth, and love and trust and protect others.
And that's where I am today. I need to clean my house. I will probably be on baby-duty as we work on festival clean up. I hope you will be home soon. I can't wait to hear about your latest adventures, and to be reasured that your son is in a healing place.
Love and hugs from Clare
I had a chance to talk to the person I named myself for. She is an inspiration. There is a family of activists, most have gone to prison - mostly for protesting war. I was wondering what made them so fearless. Then I started thinking about my moments of fearfulness. When I am controlled by my fear, I am usually alone, and all of my "I'm not good enough....I don't deserve" triggers are flaming in my soul.
Maybe "I'm not good enough" is partly "I'm not worthy" and partly "I am bad."
I'll have to think about this...
In this activist family, though, they live near each other. The cousins are like siblings. If someone goes to prison, the rest of the family rallies and absorbs the kids. They are safe and nurtured, and home.
One of them was recently arrested and sentenced to a year in prison, although she was not participating in the protest, she was simply photographing the others. I think she was recognized. And the judge said she can't keep thumbing her nose at the law.
What I've been thinking is - we live in an area where the Underground Railroad was strong. There are many stations here. There are occasional tours, books. People are proud. It's easy to sit here and now and be proud to own something that was used for good. But why can't we take the step back and realize that those who were involved were considered bad. They were thumbing their nose at the laws that made it legal to own human beings.
If there were an Underground Railroad today, who would have the courage to participate? Only those who are out there, dedicating their lives to peace, truly sacrificing a year of their life with their children for the sake of someone else's children.
In thinking about myself and the activism I have done, which never involved arrest - one time I was very close to being arrested...I had made arrangements for my children and was ready to go on the line when the cops backed off. And my adrenaline was rushing. I felt alive. But mostly I am in the background, a support person. I am afraid. I am not good enough. There is something in me that is Catholic girl "bad."
So from this family to another man I know...my mind has been whirring this morning. I have a neighbor with a farm. He has an old horse he has been protecting for years. And he has a couple roosters that needed a home. I applaud that rescuer in him, that urge to protect. His critters all stay in the barn, usually with the door open. If I have the story straight, two of the roosters were fighting. Two were up on the roosts, the one that was losing the fight, the third one, was on the ground. A fox most likely got the one of the ground. All my neighbor found were some feathers.
Now he is on a vendetta, shooting foxes. And it is breaking my heart.
You don't leave the doors open and become upset if a hungry animals takes advantage of your invitation. It's like leaving money on your "property" on the side of the road and shooting anyone who picks it up.
I hate this ownership idea we have. We truly can't own property. First, because if we don't pay taxes- the government takes it from us. If it was truly ours, no one could take it for any reason. But second, we live short lives. The Earth is long lived. We simply steward for a short while. We have forgotten. We have forgotten to consider the next generation, much less the seventh generation - because we own whatever we can buy, and we can do whatever we want...
This neighbor...there was a dead tree near one of his ponds. One day I saw a green heron there. I was excited - it was the first time I ever saw one. I talked to a birder-friend. He told me that this was a perfect place for them - a snag tree near a pond. Soon after, days after, the neighbor cut down the tree. Because it was dead. He didn't like it. It didn't look good. He had no idea he destroyed habitat, because he only recognizes the creatures he owns.
And damn it, chickens are from Africa. They are here because we have enslaved them. They don't belong here, in this habitat, which is why they are such easy prey. Foxes live here. This is their home. It has been theirs long before it was ours - we Euro-American invaders.
He is trapped in his fifth chakra - trying to control everything. Just like the rest of us...
But we can't do this anymore if we want to survive as a species. We have to climb into our sixth, and love and trust and protect others.
And that's where I am today. I need to clean my house. I will probably be on baby-duty as we work on festival clean up. I hope you will be home soon. I can't wait to hear about your latest adventures, and to be reasured that your son is in a healing place.
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Returned
Clare,
We are back home.
What an incredible experience- the highs and lows were intense.
I have never felt so much and cried so much as I did this weekend.
We were obviously relieved to hear the pathology report- no spread of cancer…
no chemo or radiation…
tamoxifen will be discussed next week with the oncologist.
Then the monumental task of telling our son he was not coming home…
going to a program for troubled teens.
It was rough.
He told us he hated us…our family…our concerns…pretty much everything about us.
He was beyond angry.
He refused to go.
He called us names and threw about curses.
I phoned the program's office asking if I could arrange an escort this close to flight time.
As I phoned, S#5 bargained with him…
try it…
if you hate it come home.
I got him to agree to 2 full weeks and then we'll see.
On the flight he and I were seated together, husband had a separate seat.
We talked and he told me about a singer's tattoo that says "trust no one".
I explained that I had lived like that for many years and that it was not living.
I suggested he be particular with whom he places his trust…
so he came up with "choose wisely"…
I promised that, if he finishes all 7 weeks, I will take him and pay for it.
We shared some small talk…
and some important things on that flight…
and Friday morning he reluctantly accompanied us to the program.
The staff were very casual- many in trail clothes- many bearded- very open and welcoming.
I think he truly felt at ease with them- still nervous- but not the clinical "white coats" he expected.
They outfitted him and took him to the trail for 4 days of introduction to trail life and the program.
We all cried when we said goodbye.
I asked him to remain open to the possibilities of this program.
Husband and I sat through 2 days of thought provoking training and introductions. We are both so incredibly happy that we chose this program. It seems a perfect fit for him and us. The focus is on repairing the family relationships- not fixing the "broken kid".
Sedona was beautiful and peaceful. We found one of the vortexes- the one on airport road. We watched the sunset from a nearby spot and then climbed to the top of the rock formation of the vortex. I only made it 2/3 of the way up because of the sandals I was wearing…
but I could feel energy coursing up from the earth, through my legs and into my torso.
One shop keeper- who told us how to find the airport vortex laughed at us when we asked exact locations…he said they are all around and we were already feeling them. I want to go back, with more time, and truly sense that.
We decided to hike on Saturday afternoon…
a desert hike that would allow us to understand a bit of what our son would experience. It was 105 degrees and we started on a rather flat 1 mile loop. Then we went over several hills that tested our strength. I have been having issues with anemia since the surgery, so I had to sit once as I got dizzy as we got close to the top. Our son will grow very strong through this experience. He will hear that still small voice decease the modern distractions will be silenced. He will learn from the land and nature that all choices have consequences attached to them.
We have sessions with his "shadow" (therapist) each Thursday evening. We are expected to also have a change of heart through this process as well. I already made a giant step forward. When S#5 picked us up today I pulled her aside, explained how angry I've been with her since our family email discussion was halted. I told her how I've held onto that anger. And yet, when I needed help with my son, I swallowed my pride to ask for help. I thanked her for not turning her back on me, despite my doing that to her- and feeling justified in acting that way. I apologized and asked for forgiveness. It felt really good.
I am exhausted…waiting the return of 2 of my children…and then going to bed.
I love you.
Peace and Blessings,
Maggie
We are back home.
What an incredible experience- the highs and lows were intense.
I have never felt so much and cried so much as I did this weekend.
We were obviously relieved to hear the pathology report- no spread of cancer…
no chemo or radiation…
tamoxifen will be discussed next week with the oncologist.
Then the monumental task of telling our son he was not coming home…
going to a program for troubled teens.
It was rough.
He told us he hated us…our family…our concerns…pretty much everything about us.
He was beyond angry.
He refused to go.
He called us names and threw about curses.
I phoned the program's office asking if I could arrange an escort this close to flight time.
As I phoned, S#5 bargained with him…
try it…
if you hate it come home.
I got him to agree to 2 full weeks and then we'll see.
On the flight he and I were seated together, husband had a separate seat.
We talked and he told me about a singer's tattoo that says "trust no one".
I explained that I had lived like that for many years and that it was not living.
I suggested he be particular with whom he places his trust…
so he came up with "choose wisely"…
I promised that, if he finishes all 7 weeks, I will take him and pay for it.
We shared some small talk…
and some important things on that flight…
and Friday morning he reluctantly accompanied us to the program.
The staff were very casual- many in trail clothes- many bearded- very open and welcoming.
I think he truly felt at ease with them- still nervous- but not the clinical "white coats" he expected.
They outfitted him and took him to the trail for 4 days of introduction to trail life and the program.
We all cried when we said goodbye.
I asked him to remain open to the possibilities of this program.
Husband and I sat through 2 days of thought provoking training and introductions. We are both so incredibly happy that we chose this program. It seems a perfect fit for him and us. The focus is on repairing the family relationships- not fixing the "broken kid".
Sedona was beautiful and peaceful. We found one of the vortexes- the one on airport road. We watched the sunset from a nearby spot and then climbed to the top of the rock formation of the vortex. I only made it 2/3 of the way up because of the sandals I was wearing…
but I could feel energy coursing up from the earth, through my legs and into my torso.
One shop keeper- who told us how to find the airport vortex laughed at us when we asked exact locations…he said they are all around and we were already feeling them. I want to go back, with more time, and truly sense that.
We decided to hike on Saturday afternoon…
a desert hike that would allow us to understand a bit of what our son would experience. It was 105 degrees and we started on a rather flat 1 mile loop. Then we went over several hills that tested our strength. I have been having issues with anemia since the surgery, so I had to sit once as I got dizzy as we got close to the top. Our son will grow very strong through this experience. He will hear that still small voice decease the modern distractions will be silenced. He will learn from the land and nature that all choices have consequences attached to them.
We have sessions with his "shadow" (therapist) each Thursday evening. We are expected to also have a change of heart through this process as well. I already made a giant step forward. When S#5 picked us up today I pulled her aside, explained how angry I've been with her since our family email discussion was halted. I told her how I've held onto that anger. And yet, when I needed help with my son, I swallowed my pride to ask for help. I thanked her for not turning her back on me, despite my doing that to her- and feeling justified in acting that way. I apologized and asked for forgiveness. It felt really good.
I am exhausted…waiting the return of 2 of my children…and then going to bed.
I love you.
Peace and Blessings,
Maggie
love your enemy
"And God said, 'Love your enemy.' and I obeyed him and loved myself."
-Kahlil Gibran
I had two strange dreams the other night. In the first my oldest fell down and I jerked awake, worried about her health. I told her, so she is aware. She has been fighting the latest bug, and seems to be on the healing side now. But I feel alert...Mom-watching...
The second was more fun. I dreamed my toes were flower bulbs. They were rooting. On the one hand, if I can't move, I don't think I like this. But flower-toes -- how cool.
So, I found the quote above yesterday and it's been on my mind ever since. I do have a hard time accepting myself, not judging myself. It just seems to me that if I could find a place of acceptance for Bush, I could be a gentle and generous and kind with myself. But I don't love and honor myself. I do just enough to survive, I think, rather than having fun.
I will try to set aside specific time to work on this...
Hope all went well with your son, hope you and your husband are having a relaxing trip.
Love and hugs from Clare
-Kahlil Gibran
I had two strange dreams the other night. In the first my oldest fell down and I jerked awake, worried about her health. I told her, so she is aware. She has been fighting the latest bug, and seems to be on the healing side now. But I feel alert...Mom-watching...
The second was more fun. I dreamed my toes were flower bulbs. They were rooting. On the one hand, if I can't move, I don't think I like this. But flower-toes -- how cool.
So, I found the quote above yesterday and it's been on my mind ever since. I do have a hard time accepting myself, not judging myself. It just seems to me that if I could find a place of acceptance for Bush, I could be a gentle and generous and kind with myself. But I don't love and honor myself. I do just enough to survive, I think, rather than having fun.
I will try to set aside specific time to work on this...
Hope all went well with your son, hope you and your husband are having a relaxing trip.
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, July 17, 2014
it's always okay
So, my sister saw the surgeon today and found that she will not have to have chemo or radiation. I am so grateful, so relieved. Now she can just focus on healing...
I have had bouts of depression all of my life. In a way it's been my constant companion, my most faithful friend. I know what I am going through now has to do with sugar withdrawal. I think the physical addiction is under control - as long as I don't have any. But then there's always the psychological addiction. We numb for a reason. I have a lot going on and I am tired. It is triggering the psychological need to escape. And sugar is a cheap escape. I can drown myself in ice cream for just a few bucks.
I have been thinking about depression. It takes me deep, and I find interesting things. I think of things other people don't seem to understand. It is a gift.
This too will pass. I will be okay.
I can't wait to hear about your trip, about your son's reaction, about your tour of Sedona.
Have fun. Heal. I love you...
Clare
I have had bouts of depression all of my life. In a way it's been my constant companion, my most faithful friend. I know what I am going through now has to do with sugar withdrawal. I think the physical addiction is under control - as long as I don't have any. But then there's always the psychological addiction. We numb for a reason. I have a lot going on and I am tired. It is triggering the psychological need to escape. And sugar is a cheap escape. I can drown myself in ice cream for just a few bucks.
I have been thinking about depression. It takes me deep, and I find interesting things. I think of things other people don't seem to understand. It is a gift.
This too will pass. I will be okay.
I can't wait to hear about your trip, about your son's reaction, about your tour of Sedona.
Have fun. Heal. I love you...
Clare
Be back soon
We are about to leave for the surgical visit.
Before I leave I really have to say that I know that depression sucks.
I have been there.
I also know that you can get help.
Please call a psychiatrist and consider medication.
It did so much for me.
I love you, I want you to be healthy.
BTW- cashews also have antidepressant components- a handful a day.
Love and Light
Maggie
Before I leave I really have to say that I know that depression sucks.
I have been there.
I also know that you can get help.
Please call a psychiatrist and consider medication.
It did so much for me.
I love you, I want you to be healthy.
BTW- cashews also have antidepressant components- a handful a day.
Love and Light
Maggie
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
the tunnel
Sedona has long been on my list. I have a list of places I would love to see, to experience. I look forward to hearing your impressions.
With your son, I really don't think he only looks at good times. I think he looks for the numbness, the escape from the pain. That is truly what addiction is about.
And I am struggling today. Since I quit sugar in May, I have fallen off the wagon twice. I have become very sensitive to what sugar does to my body and mind. And although I long for the escape, I have come to dread the physical side effects. I am falling into one of my depressions. It feels like I am in a long, dark hall. I can't see an end before me, there's nothing behind me but an empty hall. There may be some shut doors along the walls, but mostly there's just forever before me. The alarm clock goes off in the morning, I sit up and have to force myself to move. I know I'm moving into another day of sameness. And I don't want to go. I don't want to go on...
What I want a an immense bowl of Death By Chocolate ice cream. I want to eat ice cream until I am sick, and have stopped feeling. I want to stare at the wall and eat ice cream.
But I am not going to do it. Instead of numbing these feelings, I am going to sit with them, thank them, feel them. Maybe someday I will be able to separate what's authentic from what are shimmers of pain from my past.
I have been considering sugar and corn syrup and the deadly combination - high fructose corn syrup. I wonder how addictive it is compared to cigarettes. I understand why people who have stopped want just one, then binge.
So, I'm not sure how long this will last. I know it will pass. That's an advantage of growing older.
For tomorrow I wish you safe travels, and may yours and your husband's love bring your boy safely through the change he doesn't know is just before him. I send all of you love to wrap yourselves in.
I'll be here, waiting to hear...
Clare
With your son, I really don't think he only looks at good times. I think he looks for the numbness, the escape from the pain. That is truly what addiction is about.
And I am struggling today. Since I quit sugar in May, I have fallen off the wagon twice. I have become very sensitive to what sugar does to my body and mind. And although I long for the escape, I have come to dread the physical side effects. I am falling into one of my depressions. It feels like I am in a long, dark hall. I can't see an end before me, there's nothing behind me but an empty hall. There may be some shut doors along the walls, but mostly there's just forever before me. The alarm clock goes off in the morning, I sit up and have to force myself to move. I know I'm moving into another day of sameness. And I don't want to go. I don't want to go on...
What I want a an immense bowl of Death By Chocolate ice cream. I want to eat ice cream until I am sick, and have stopped feeling. I want to stare at the wall and eat ice cream.
But I am not going to do it. Instead of numbing these feelings, I am going to sit with them, thank them, feel them. Maybe someday I will be able to separate what's authentic from what are shimmers of pain from my past.
I have been considering sugar and corn syrup and the deadly combination - high fructose corn syrup. I wonder how addictive it is compared to cigarettes. I understand why people who have stopped want just one, then binge.
So, I'm not sure how long this will last. I know it will pass. That's an advantage of growing older.
For tomorrow I wish you safe travels, and may yours and your husband's love bring your boy safely through the change he doesn't know is just before him. I send all of you love to wrap yourselves in.
I'll be here, waiting to hear...
Clare
my ridiculous side
Clare,
I sent my youngest off yesterday with S#3…
they should be on the island about now.
I am jealous…
I could use the special healing of that place…
but he needs it too…
and I have other things to do.
Tomorrow is a big day.
I feel prepared…
yet anxious.
I hate not being truthful and forthright with information…
but I do fear his escaping.
How do you tell someone that you love them so much, and want the best for them, so we're sending you away? At his age, we all would have been within 3 months of being put out…
"when you're 18 you're out of here".
I just love him so much. I never want him to feel the sting of being unwanted, unloved, unseen, unappreciated.
I see his incredible potential…
but he sees only good times at this present moment.
I have reached out to you, and to another friend who had a similar situation…
she said that as long as they know you've not given up on them they will come around. Her son has 4 dead friends (aged 24) due to drugs and alcohol…and he is thriving. She attributes it to consistently telling him that they love him but will not tolerate the drugs.
I had another expansion today- I only got 1/2 as much. Last week remained painful for 6 days after. It already feels much better than last week. While in Arizona we are going to drive to Sedona- a place of special spiritual hearings and energy. I am really looking forward to that excursion. They describe vortexes of energy, masculine and feminine. It sounds fascinating. I will let you know.
I meet with the surgeon tomorrow. I should get my "report card" and find out if additional therapy is necessary. I will be on the road and probably not blogging until I return Sunday or Monday, but will call you and let you know.
I think the part of me that you were describing is the part that is allowing me to see the humorous side of my life- even cancer. Last night we were laughing because the underside of one of my lady lumps was swollen and looked ridiculous. It's about people looking at me, asking what's different and then deciding that I've cut my hair. It's being tangled up in a tank top because I cannot get it below my arms to slide elbows through and having to walk around in a straightjacket looking for assistance.
Love and Light to you,
Maggie
I sent my youngest off yesterday with S#3…
they should be on the island about now.
I am jealous…
I could use the special healing of that place…
but he needs it too…
and I have other things to do.
Tomorrow is a big day.
I feel prepared…
yet anxious.
I hate not being truthful and forthright with information…
but I do fear his escaping.
How do you tell someone that you love them so much, and want the best for them, so we're sending you away? At his age, we all would have been within 3 months of being put out…
"when you're 18 you're out of here".
I just love him so much. I never want him to feel the sting of being unwanted, unloved, unseen, unappreciated.
I see his incredible potential…
but he sees only good times at this present moment.
I have reached out to you, and to another friend who had a similar situation…
she said that as long as they know you've not given up on them they will come around. Her son has 4 dead friends (aged 24) due to drugs and alcohol…and he is thriving. She attributes it to consistently telling him that they love him but will not tolerate the drugs.
I had another expansion today- I only got 1/2 as much. Last week remained painful for 6 days after. It already feels much better than last week. While in Arizona we are going to drive to Sedona- a place of special spiritual hearings and energy. I am really looking forward to that excursion. They describe vortexes of energy, masculine and feminine. It sounds fascinating. I will let you know.
I meet with the surgeon tomorrow. I should get my "report card" and find out if additional therapy is necessary. I will be on the road and probably not blogging until I return Sunday or Monday, but will call you and let you know.
I think the part of me that you were describing is the part that is allowing me to see the humorous side of my life- even cancer. Last night we were laughing because the underside of one of my lady lumps was swollen and looked ridiculous. It's about people looking at me, asking what's different and then deciding that I've cut my hair. It's being tangled up in a tank top because I cannot get it below my arms to slide elbows through and having to walk around in a straightjacket looking for assistance.
Love and Light to you,
Maggie
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
the recluse
Below is an excerpt. It's from the piece called "Subterranean Pronoia
Therapy."
1. Declare amnesty for the part of you that you don't love very well.
Forgive that poor sucker. Hold its hand and take it out to dinner and a
movie. Tactfully offer it a chance to make amends for the dumb things it
has done.
And then do a dramatic reading of this proclamation by the playwright
Theodore Rubin: "I must learn to love the fool in me -- the one who feels
too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and
loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt,
promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me
against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor
and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for
my fool."
Rob Breszny is one of my heroes. He does a horoscope twice a month with pieces like that above included. He wrote Pronoia, a book that really influenced me.
I read this this morning, and have been thinking about it all day.
What part of me needs to be forgiven? I think it's the part of me that retires and hides, it is my inner hermit. It is the part of me that panics in the face of exciting potential and hides.
I need to bring this scared little person out into the sunshine of possibility. And I have to thank her for keeping us safe. We haven't had to face things that made us feel not-good-enough. But I have to love her into being ready to be vulnerable, to be seen.
What is you part? What part needs forgiven and accepted and loved?
I'll probably stay with this tonight.
I love you lots and lots,
Clare
Therapy."
1. Declare amnesty for the part of you that you don't love very well.
Forgive that poor sucker. Hold its hand and take it out to dinner and a
movie. Tactfully offer it a chance to make amends for the dumb things it
has done.
And then do a dramatic reading of this proclamation by the playwright
Theodore Rubin: "I must learn to love the fool in me -- the one who feels
too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and
loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt,
promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me
against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor
and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for
my fool."
Rob Breszny is one of my heroes. He does a horoscope twice a month with pieces like that above included. He wrote Pronoia, a book that really influenced me.
I read this this morning, and have been thinking about it all day.
What part of me needs to be forgiven? I think it's the part of me that retires and hides, it is my inner hermit. It is the part of me that panics in the face of exciting potential and hides.
I need to bring this scared little person out into the sunshine of possibility. And I have to thank her for keeping us safe. We haven't had to face things that made us feel not-good-enough. But I have to love her into being ready to be vulnerable, to be seen.
What is you part? What part needs forgiven and accepted and loved?
I'll probably stay with this tonight.
I love you lots and lots,
Clare
Monday, July 14, 2014
peace by peace!!
Your 30 minutes free of pain was a part of the peace by peace you are going through. It was a promise for the future. Everything will calm down, there will be peace and balance in your life again. All of your life, including your family life.
Maybe Mom can't comfort you because no one ever comforted her. She left us alone to figure things out, to survive. Because she only survived. She didn't thrive, we didn't thrive. But she stayed beside you. That was a gift.
And the scary thing is that she was the healthy one. Dad was totally lost.
Crying people used to make me very nervous. I thought it was my job to stop it as soon as possible. Now I know that crying, the vulnerability, it's a gift and I am honored to remain present. It took some effort to learn that though. I don't think Mom nor Dad have had that education or experience. I remember crying in front of Dad once. He had no idea what to do, so he stayed away from me, which made it all so much more humiliation. I'm not the best parent, but when my kids come to me, I'm not afraid to touch them or to be present with them.
I'm so glad your son is going to the Anasazi program. It feels right. And I am glad that you and his Dad are at peace with this. I will hold him in the Light every night, along with my brood.
My crazy middle of the night musings have continued -- the ones that teach me that the pain we feel is the pain the Earth feels. As we heal, she heals.
It is close to my bedtime. I will leave you with love and wishes for a good night's sleep.
I love you,
Clare
peace by peace - I love it!!!!!!
Maybe Mom can't comfort you because no one ever comforted her. She left us alone to figure things out, to survive. Because she only survived. She didn't thrive, we didn't thrive. But she stayed beside you. That was a gift.
And the scary thing is that she was the healthy one. Dad was totally lost.
Crying people used to make me very nervous. I thought it was my job to stop it as soon as possible. Now I know that crying, the vulnerability, it's a gift and I am honored to remain present. It took some effort to learn that though. I don't think Mom nor Dad have had that education or experience. I remember crying in front of Dad once. He had no idea what to do, so he stayed away from me, which made it all so much more humiliation. I'm not the best parent, but when my kids come to me, I'm not afraid to touch them or to be present with them.
I'm so glad your son is going to the Anasazi program. It feels right. And I am glad that you and his Dad are at peace with this. I will hold him in the Light every night, along with my brood.
My crazy middle of the night musings have continued -- the ones that teach me that the pain we feel is the pain the Earth feels. As we heal, she heals.
It is close to my bedtime. I will leave you with love and wishes for a good night's sleep.
I love you,
Clare
peace by peace - I love it!!!!!!
Processing
Clare,
We are being taken apart, piece, by piece…
or should I say peace by peace?
I had a reiki session today that left me with 30 minutes of absolutely no pain…
I was so disappointed to be called back into my body…
and the pain swept over me like a chilly breeze.
This expansion is really uncomfortable…
I am going to request less fluid to decrease the amount of muscle spasm from now on…
it will take longer, but maybe I will sleep.
I had an all -out battle with myself about reading a book by Clarissa Pinkola Estes about the Blessed Mother, but yesterday decided to read it. Untie the Strong Woman: Blessed Mother's Immaculate Love for the Wild Soul.
I gave up on the Catholic version of the Virgin Mary many years ago-
wanting a role model- not some perfect, celibate being who lived life on the fringe to remain pure.
But, in the author's incredible style, she shows her to be all women, mother earth, plants and animals who nourish and sustain us. It is what I needed to read, especially since she repeats that the comfort and sustenance comes to those most vulnerable. Serendipity strikes once again.
My son has been accepted into the wilderness program…
I will be flying to Phoenix this Thursday to leave him in a sacred place to find the best of what lies within him.
I am nervous, but excited.
I have asked my Meeting to hold him in the Light, and my reiki healer to help him to see the gift that lies before him through this experience…
and I ask the same of you…
that he accept this as a gift of true love and parental devotion.
I talked with my reiki healer about our Mom's inability to comfort me when I wept beside her…
hoping for insight...
but she had nothing to offer…
at least not verbally.
I am not sleeping well…
it is difficult to find a comfortable position…
and right now I need a short rest.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
We are being taken apart, piece, by piece…
or should I say peace by peace?
I had a reiki session today that left me with 30 minutes of absolutely no pain…
I was so disappointed to be called back into my body…
and the pain swept over me like a chilly breeze.
This expansion is really uncomfortable…
I am going to request less fluid to decrease the amount of muscle spasm from now on…
it will take longer, but maybe I will sleep.
I had an all -out battle with myself about reading a book by Clarissa Pinkola Estes about the Blessed Mother, but yesterday decided to read it. Untie the Strong Woman: Blessed Mother's Immaculate Love for the Wild Soul.
I gave up on the Catholic version of the Virgin Mary many years ago-
wanting a role model- not some perfect, celibate being who lived life on the fringe to remain pure.
But, in the author's incredible style, she shows her to be all women, mother earth, plants and animals who nourish and sustain us. It is what I needed to read, especially since she repeats that the comfort and sustenance comes to those most vulnerable. Serendipity strikes once again.
My son has been accepted into the wilderness program…
I will be flying to Phoenix this Thursday to leave him in a sacred place to find the best of what lies within him.
I am nervous, but excited.
I have asked my Meeting to hold him in the Light, and my reiki healer to help him to see the gift that lies before him through this experience…
and I ask the same of you…
that he accept this as a gift of true love and parental devotion.
I talked with my reiki healer about our Mom's inability to comfort me when I wept beside her…
hoping for insight...
but she had nothing to offer…
at least not verbally.
I am not sleeping well…
it is difficult to find a comfortable position…
and right now I need a short rest.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, July 13, 2014
all I got
Hi Maggie,
Hope you are feeling calmer and more connected. You are really having a difficult time with this healing. Your whole family is healing. It's almost shamanistic - you have to be torn apart so you can be put together again, brand new.
I was watching my granddaughter sleep today and thinking about our family. I was thinking about your son's manic periods and about you and S#3 and S#5's stepdaughter all being diagnosed bipolar. I think S#4's oldest could be part of your group. And I realized I have never really had manic moments. I only get to be depressed. And for a minute it seemed very unfair. Than I laughed at myself and realized there's something sick about me.
My depression, my not-good-enough, has ruled much of my life. I think your chaos is leading me to look at all of us. So you, again, are inspiring healing. I am just so sorry it is so painful for you.
I think all nine of us original sibs could have benefited from some psychotherapy. We all suffered. But I guess it wasn't done then, and we definitely didn't have the money.
And this baby. She is gorgeous and funny and willful...she's perfect. But she has depression and violence and addiction on both sides of the family. I think we have a biochemical destiny to struggle with at least one of the many faces of depression. I think we inherit that as much as memories and broken DNA. So what do we do?
We just keep doing something. We just don't give up on each other or on our kids. And if we are really strong and healthy, we don't give up on ourselves.
That's all I got today.
I love you. Reach out if you need me.
Clare
Hope you are feeling calmer and more connected. You are really having a difficult time with this healing. Your whole family is healing. It's almost shamanistic - you have to be torn apart so you can be put together again, brand new.
I was watching my granddaughter sleep today and thinking about our family. I was thinking about your son's manic periods and about you and S#3 and S#5's stepdaughter all being diagnosed bipolar. I think S#4's oldest could be part of your group. And I realized I have never really had manic moments. I only get to be depressed. And for a minute it seemed very unfair. Than I laughed at myself and realized there's something sick about me.
My depression, my not-good-enough, has ruled much of my life. I think your chaos is leading me to look at all of us. So you, again, are inspiring healing. I am just so sorry it is so painful for you.
I think all nine of us original sibs could have benefited from some psychotherapy. We all suffered. But I guess it wasn't done then, and we definitely didn't have the money.
And this baby. She is gorgeous and funny and willful...she's perfect. But she has depression and violence and addiction on both sides of the family. I think we have a biochemical destiny to struggle with at least one of the many faces of depression. I think we inherit that as much as memories and broken DNA. So what do we do?
We just keep doing something. We just don't give up on each other or on our kids. And if we are really strong and healthy, we don't give up on ourselves.
That's all I got today.
I love you. Reach out if you need me.
Clare
Saturday, July 12, 2014
memories
I was trying to think of who might be able to take off for a week. No one up here. I'm glad S#3 is available.
I watched my grandson today and he showed up in a red T-shirt with a pirate on the front that said Ahoy Matey. I was homesick for the island and my dolphin friend for a few minutes. Then we started talking about where we would like to visit, and decided we would go to the caves in Kentucky.
I was getting the youngest to nap and encouraging the boy to sleep (without success) when I drifted off. I had a memory of spending a day with Grandmom and she fell asleep. I was sitting there, waiting for her to wake up. I didn't know what to do. When she woke up she asked if she had been snoring. I said no, bit she did make funny noises with her nose.
Strange what pops into the mind.
We have been volunteering to do set up for a music fest for about 15 years. Yesterday I was on the ground and I watched two of my sons, and my grandson who looks so much like them, in the back of a pick up truck, going to put up tents. The little guy was so proud to be between his uncle and his dad.
And I am lost in memory, thinking about the way time cycles back on us - and we're just one generation out...
As usual, I'm tired and totally lacking in profundity. I hope you have a restful night.
Love from a sister,
Clare
I watched my grandson today and he showed up in a red T-shirt with a pirate on the front that said Ahoy Matey. I was homesick for the island and my dolphin friend for a few minutes. Then we started talking about where we would like to visit, and decided we would go to the caves in Kentucky.
I was getting the youngest to nap and encouraging the boy to sleep (without success) when I drifted off. I had a memory of spending a day with Grandmom and she fell asleep. I was sitting there, waiting for her to wake up. I didn't know what to do. When she woke up she asked if she had been snoring. I said no, bit she did make funny noises with her nose.
Strange what pops into the mind.
We have been volunteering to do set up for a music fest for about 15 years. Yesterday I was on the ground and I watched two of my sons, and my grandson who looks so much like them, in the back of a pick up truck, going to put up tents. The little guy was so proud to be between his uncle and his dad.
And I am lost in memory, thinking about the way time cycles back on us - and we're just one generation out...
As usual, I'm tired and totally lacking in profundity. I hope you have a restful night.
Love from a sister,
Clare
Friday, July 11, 2014
Thank God for sisters...
Clare,
I went out to a fund raiser last night for the DV shelter with my oldest. I had such a good time, but am definitely paying the price for being out and upright for that long. I saw many friends…most of whom did not know about my surgery, but were amazed when they found out. The funny part is when people look at you…can't figure out what's different…ask you if you've lost weight, or changed your hair. It really is quite funny to watch human reactions. It was fun…but today I have paid the price. I have had spasms like never before, took a 2 hour nap and needed an additional muscle relaxant.
So, tomorrow we are meeting with a friend who is a police detective to go over our younger son's cell phone which clearly identifies several drug suppliers. We are asking his advice about how to put an end to this, or curtail it. I am seriously considering organizing a meeting for parents to show them how many of their "perfect" kids are using on a regular basis. If we can start a dialogue then maybe we can work together and at least make it more difficult for them to use.
I am so sick of the whole drug issue.
So S#3 is taking my youngest and his friend to the beach next week. I really need a week of not worrying about him while I am relocating the older one. He and his friend love the island and really relax there. I am so glad they are getting away…for all of our sakes.
Thank God for sisters! You included.
I had a conversation last evening with a friend who I met while practicing medicine. We were both pregnant at the time (my third). We marveled at how there was a cohort of kids born within a few days of each other who were the easiest going, brightest and carefree group we had ever seen. They were the "blizzard babies"- 30 inches of snow in 24 hours early January- and then they were all born in late Sept. Her daughter has struggled this year as well- missing 6 weeks of school for a serious depression. I felt so "not alone" when I was talking with her. She and I have worked on some really important local issues together and we seem to cycle through life together. I love and value her friendship and her support. I am truly blessed.
I went out to a fund raiser last night for the DV shelter with my oldest. I had such a good time, but am definitely paying the price for being out and upright for that long. I saw many friends…most of whom did not know about my surgery, but were amazed when they found out. The funny part is when people look at you…can't figure out what's different…ask you if you've lost weight, or changed your hair. It really is quite funny to watch human reactions. It was fun…but today I have paid the price. I have had spasms like never before, took a 2 hour nap and needed an additional muscle relaxant.
So, tomorrow we are meeting with a friend who is a police detective to go over our younger son's cell phone which clearly identifies several drug suppliers. We are asking his advice about how to put an end to this, or curtail it. I am seriously considering organizing a meeting for parents to show them how many of their "perfect" kids are using on a regular basis. If we can start a dialogue then maybe we can work together and at least make it more difficult for them to use.
I am so sick of the whole drug issue.
So S#3 is taking my youngest and his friend to the beach next week. I really need a week of not worrying about him while I am relocating the older one. He and his friend love the island and really relax there. I am so glad they are getting away…for all of our sakes.
Thank God for sisters! You included.
I had a conversation last evening with a friend who I met while practicing medicine. We were both pregnant at the time (my third). We marveled at how there was a cohort of kids born within a few days of each other who were the easiest going, brightest and carefree group we had ever seen. They were the "blizzard babies"- 30 inches of snow in 24 hours early January- and then they were all born in late Sept. Her daughter has struggled this year as well- missing 6 weeks of school for a serious depression. I felt so "not alone" when I was talking with her. She and I have worked on some really important local issues together and we seem to cycle through life together. I love and value her friendship and her support. I am truly blessed.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
bearing it
Hi Love,
So nice to have you back. You have been through the wringer, and it feels so bad to me because I had hoped you would have peace in order to heal. But I truly believe that whatever happens is meant to happen. And we have the choice of responding with love and faith or with fear.
I had a moment tonight, when I was walking, when I wondered which chakras you and your son are connected through. When he yanks, where do you feel it? When you try to hold on, where does he feel it? If you feel inspired to ask your healer, I would love to know.
There is a Quaker healer I have met a few times, who I respect and whose words I read and may have commented on here. He wrote something recently about not being able to tolerate pain. And he needed to have a minor surgery that caused great physical pain. In order for the surgery to be successful, he had to will himself to be still. After it was over, he had a very emotional response and realized that he was feeling/releasing much of the abuse he suffered as a child. I'm wondering if you are having a similar response. And I'm wondering if the emotional pain of watching you go through surgery, knowing you have a potentially fatal disease is causing a similar reaction in your son.
I think you have made a wise decision. You are very lucky that you have such resources available.
I have been a little emotional - because of cancer. One of my closest friend's father died last night. She was very emotional last weekend, and felt like she had to go to him. She left her dog with me and went, and had a sweet time. Now, she's more at peace than before. And a close friend has been rediagnosed. With her first battle, I felt confident. This time, I cried. I didn't tell her I cried, but I did.
The other thing I noticed...after you saw Mom and Dad and we talked about it, I was overcome with anger at Dad. I don't know exactly what set it off, but I was raging. It lasted a few minutes and was gone.
I wonder if, when we are being abused, we learn to will ourselves to stand and bear the pain. We probably learn it lessens the pain, it lessens the duration of the episode...
I bent over quickly and pulled a muscle in my back. Feeling stiff, and needing to go climb in bed with a book.
So happy you're back!
Love and hugs,
Clare
So nice to have you back. You have been through the wringer, and it feels so bad to me because I had hoped you would have peace in order to heal. But I truly believe that whatever happens is meant to happen. And we have the choice of responding with love and faith or with fear.
I had a moment tonight, when I was walking, when I wondered which chakras you and your son are connected through. When he yanks, where do you feel it? When you try to hold on, where does he feel it? If you feel inspired to ask your healer, I would love to know.
There is a Quaker healer I have met a few times, who I respect and whose words I read and may have commented on here. He wrote something recently about not being able to tolerate pain. And he needed to have a minor surgery that caused great physical pain. In order for the surgery to be successful, he had to will himself to be still. After it was over, he had a very emotional response and realized that he was feeling/releasing much of the abuse he suffered as a child. I'm wondering if you are having a similar response. And I'm wondering if the emotional pain of watching you go through surgery, knowing you have a potentially fatal disease is causing a similar reaction in your son.
I think you have made a wise decision. You are very lucky that you have such resources available.
I have been a little emotional - because of cancer. One of my closest friend's father died last night. She was very emotional last weekend, and felt like she had to go to him. She left her dog with me and went, and had a sweet time. Now, she's more at peace than before. And a close friend has been rediagnosed. With her first battle, I felt confident. This time, I cried. I didn't tell her I cried, but I did.
The other thing I noticed...after you saw Mom and Dad and we talked about it, I was overcome with anger at Dad. I don't know exactly what set it off, but I was raging. It lasted a few minutes and was gone.
I wonder if, when we are being abused, we learn to will ourselves to stand and bear the pain. We probably learn it lessens the pain, it lessens the duration of the episode...
I bent over quickly and pulled a muscle in my back. Feeling stiff, and needing to go climb in bed with a book.
So happy you're back!
Love and hugs,
Clare
I am back
Clare,
The computer store restored and replaced the damaged parts…
they said it was under warranty because they could not detect water damage…
even though we told them the truth.
My life has been a nightmare since I last blogged…
we have spoken about it on the phone…
I have processed it partially…
definitely not fully digested what's happening in the universe…
and how all of this fits in yet.
My older son is desperately in need of guidance…
guidance that is beyond my abilities so we have chosen Anasazi…based on Navajo traditions.
My inner voice tells me that this is right.
My right brain tells me that this is right.
My left brain is constantly coming up with "what ifs".
This is just an excerpt of their philosophy…
it is what I would want for myself and for my son.
The computer store restored and replaced the damaged parts…
they said it was under warranty because they could not detect water damage…
even though we told them the truth.
My life has been a nightmare since I last blogged…
we have spoken about it on the phone…
I have processed it partially…
definitely not fully digested what's happening in the universe…
and how all of this fits in yet.
My older son is desperately in need of guidance…
guidance that is beyond my abilities so we have chosen Anasazi…based on Navajo traditions.
My inner voice tells me that this is right.
My right brain tells me that this is right.
My left brain is constantly coming up with "what ifs".
This is just an excerpt of their philosophy…
it is what I would want for myself and for my son.
The ANASAZI Way is a way of “walking” in the wilderness and in life.
The ANASAZI Way is a way of “being” and “doing” that…
- Acknowledges the Creator in all good things.
- Sees greatness in each YoungWalker and regards them as a person of infinite worth and potential.
- Respectful of each YoungWalker’s agency (the ability to choose to walk forward or walk backward).
- Recognizes that each YoungWalker is part of a family and honors each family’s personal faith and traditions.
- Seeks a heart at peace, knowing that YoungWalkers respond best to those who care about them deeply.
- Utilizes Mother Nature, survival skills, makings, sittings, and steppings to create opportunities to listen, learn, discover, and teach.
- Provides opportunities for each YoungWalker to leave behind the old and begin anew—always inviting a change of heart (from heart at war to a heart at peace).
- Is safe, prepared, attentive, and responsive to the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of each YoungWalker.
God, I pray this gives him back his focus and self-confidence.
I have cried many times over about this…
and yet I see this as an opportunity for growth for all of us…
we can all benefit from growth.
I think a lot of the tears that have been shed are about cancer…
and broken family relationships…
and not being able to care for myself…
and vulnerability…
and fear of the future need for chemo- yet to be determined…
and physical pain…
As I sat sobbing next to mom last weekend I realized she has never seen me cry before…
at least as an adult…
she quietly cried too…
rubbed my shoulder…
but didn't know how to comfort me…
I think I realized how much she has lacked comforting in her own lifetime…
how sad.
Dad was strangely silent for the first time in a long time.
He tried hard to divert attention to the dog's antics once I composed myself…
but we are such an ill-equipped family emotionally.
Mom has called me to reassure me that my son is a wonderful, patient person…
he had to accompany her to a doctor's appointment.
I appreciated her kindness…
they could turn on him and punish him for causing "such a fuss"
I won't see him for 7 weeks…
pray that seven is indeed a sacred number.
I just have to find the right words to explain what the rest of his summer is going to be like.
Divine guidance would be great at this point.
I don't know what else to write…
there's so much more to write…
but until tomorrow,
Lova and Light,
Maggie
PS- I have never ironed jeans or sheets- sometimes I do put them back in the dryer for 10 minutes if they are really bad though.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
yeah, not that girl...
Hi Maggie,
So I was having a discussion with someone from another culture. We were talking about ironing. She said that in a previous similar discussion, the group decided the dividing line between those who iron and those who do not came down to jeans.
Do you iron your jeans?
Absolutely not! Never! Never - ever!!
Another question - do you iron the bed linens.
Again - No!
And it took me back to a moment when I was that girl. I was doing laundry with my college sweetheart. We lived together, but Mom and Dad never knew. The would have freaked out and been a bit judgmental. So, we were at the laundrymat, and I was pulling the sheets out of the dryer and folding them. He looked at me with a quizzical expression and told me his mother always ironed the sheets.
I don't think our mom ever ironed sheets. I know I haven't. And in that moment I was happy to be that girl, the girl who didn't iron sheets. That was also a turning point when I didn't think I was going to be good enough for his family. At that moment, I started to believe we would never marry.
It's funny how one stray comment can change a life...
So I am exhausted, as usual this time of night. I am going to turn in and leave you with lots of love,
I miss you,
Clare
So I was having a discussion with someone from another culture. We were talking about ironing. She said that in a previous similar discussion, the group decided the dividing line between those who iron and those who do not came down to jeans.
Do you iron your jeans?
Absolutely not! Never! Never - ever!!
Another question - do you iron the bed linens.
Again - No!
And it took me back to a moment when I was that girl. I was doing laundry with my college sweetheart. We lived together, but Mom and Dad never knew. The would have freaked out and been a bit judgmental. So, we were at the laundrymat, and I was pulling the sheets out of the dryer and folding them. He looked at me with a quizzical expression and told me his mother always ironed the sheets.
I don't think our mom ever ironed sheets. I know I haven't. And in that moment I was happy to be that girl, the girl who didn't iron sheets. That was also a turning point when I didn't think I was going to be good enough for his family. At that moment, I started to believe we would never marry.
It's funny how one stray comment can change a life...
So I am exhausted, as usual this time of night. I am going to turn in and leave you with lots of love,
I miss you,
Clare
Monday, July 7, 2014
a girl like that
Hi Maggie,
So I went fora long walk. I haven't been doing enough of that. I had forgotten how it clears the mind and allows thoughts and memories to rise to the surface.
I was goofing around on our "favorite" social media, and suddenly looked up an old boyfriend. He was someone I dated for just a few months. We worked in the same place, and when I saw him for the first time, it was like there was a light. This has happened about three times, the third being the most noticeable, with someone in a huge gold bubble. But I digress. When I met this young man, when I was still a young woman, it was instantly mutual. It was frightening. We just started talking and spending time together. He broke up with a long time girlfriend.
I guess his parents liked the girlfriend, because his father warned him about getting involved with girls like me. His dad never met me, never spoke with me, never saw me. Yet he was quick to decide I was a girl like that.
I was walking and getting angry, all of these years later. I started thinking about girls like that. We have probably been abused and obviously labeled. We are not good enough. What girls like that need is compassion...
Then I thought about my life. I have not developed much of a career, but I raised five exceptional individuals. They are all kind, they all do interesting things. Sure, they struggle with relationships and alcohol, but we all have something. I protected and raised a family of good people.
All that came from a girl like that.
The I remembered how mean and judgmental this young man could be and I realized I would rather be a girls like that than mean.
All of these swirling thoughts, and butterflies too!
I love you. I miss you. I am sending healing love...
Clare
So I went fora long walk. I haven't been doing enough of that. I had forgotten how it clears the mind and allows thoughts and memories to rise to the surface.
I was goofing around on our "favorite" social media, and suddenly looked up an old boyfriend. He was someone I dated for just a few months. We worked in the same place, and when I saw him for the first time, it was like there was a light. This has happened about three times, the third being the most noticeable, with someone in a huge gold bubble. But I digress. When I met this young man, when I was still a young woman, it was instantly mutual. It was frightening. We just started talking and spending time together. He broke up with a long time girlfriend.
I guess his parents liked the girlfriend, because his father warned him about getting involved with girls like me. His dad never met me, never spoke with me, never saw me. Yet he was quick to decide I was a girl like that.
I was walking and getting angry, all of these years later. I started thinking about girls like that. We have probably been abused and obviously labeled. We are not good enough. What girls like that need is compassion...
Then I thought about my life. I have not developed much of a career, but I raised five exceptional individuals. They are all kind, they all do interesting things. Sure, they struggle with relationships and alcohol, but we all have something. I protected and raised a family of good people.
All that came from a girl like that.
The I remembered how mean and judgmental this young man could be and I realized I would rather be a girls like that than mean.
All of these swirling thoughts, and butterflies too!
I love you. I miss you. I am sending healing love...
Clare
Sunday, July 6, 2014
inspired
So I talked to my sister and her cat spilled water on her computer. She will probably have it back by the end of the week. So in the meantime, I am talking to myself, to her future self. This definitely works better when we are responding to each other. My sister often inspires me.
So Maggie, I have to say that are an inspiration. S#3 and her kids and 3 of her grandkids were here and when we had a chance to talk, she said your cancer really affected her. She found a new doctor and is changing her diet and...maybe, I don't know - thinking about living a long and happy life. We made an exercise pact and are going to support each other. I feel different because I stopped eating meat, and especially sugar. I have fallen off the wagon - sugar is more devastating than meat to my system.But I ate a little meat yesterday and felt really bad after - physically bad. So I know I am healthier without it.
S#3 took some photos of me and posted them. I was very uncomfortable when I saw them. But I am trying to come to terms with that. But it's made me more aware. I was reading a magazine article about a woman who got married in a hospital so her father, who was dying, could escort her down the aisle. The writer mentioned that this was his only daughter, his beloved princess. The bride was very overweight and wearing a tiara and I felt a judgmental response. Like overweight women don't deserve beaded gowns and tiaras. I looked at the photo for a long time, trying to see the beauty. I will continue. This might be like the weeks it took me to find compassion for Bush. Spiritually, that was hard labor - but I did it. This should be easier.
But the whole thing has me thinking about weight and body image. I know too much weight is not healthy. But I also know, especially after talking to my daughter's friends, most overweight people have been abused. Being rejected after being abused just compounds the abuse...and we don't have to be rejected. We have already rejected ourselves.
So, that's where my thoughts are today. But, outwardly, I will hang laundry, pick raspberries with the baby, and try to restore some order to my house
Ilove you, I miss you,
Clare
So Maggie, I have to say that are an inspiration. S#3 and her kids and 3 of her grandkids were here and when we had a chance to talk, she said your cancer really affected her. She found a new doctor and is changing her diet and...maybe, I don't know - thinking about living a long and happy life. We made an exercise pact and are going to support each other. I feel different because I stopped eating meat, and especially sugar. I have fallen off the wagon - sugar is more devastating than meat to my system.But I ate a little meat yesterday and felt really bad after - physically bad. So I know I am healthier without it.
S#3 took some photos of me and posted them. I was very uncomfortable when I saw them. But I am trying to come to terms with that. But it's made me more aware. I was reading a magazine article about a woman who got married in a hospital so her father, who was dying, could escort her down the aisle. The writer mentioned that this was his only daughter, his beloved princess. The bride was very overweight and wearing a tiara and I felt a judgmental response. Like overweight women don't deserve beaded gowns and tiaras. I looked at the photo for a long time, trying to see the beauty. I will continue. This might be like the weeks it took me to find compassion for Bush. Spiritually, that was hard labor - but I did it. This should be easier.
But the whole thing has me thinking about weight and body image. I know too much weight is not healthy. But I also know, especially after talking to my daughter's friends, most overweight people have been abused. Being rejected after being abused just compounds the abuse...and we don't have to be rejected. We have already rejected ourselves.
So, that's where my thoughts are today. But, outwardly, I will hang laundry, pick raspberries with the baby, and try to restore some order to my house
Ilove you, I miss you,
Clare
Thursday, July 3, 2014
vulnerable
When I read your last post, it struck me that mush is kind of like a swamp...maybe cleaner, but the consistency is similar. Maybe having your brain go through this is part of your transformation.
Muck around in there and see what you find, why don't you??
S#3 and brood are almost here. I will probably be AWOL until Saturday evening. I am feeling disappointed because mostly my kids won't be here. Right or wrong, it's triggering a lot of my not-good-enough bells and I'm feeling a little lost.
This is that gift of a moment of vulnerability. I must wear it/bear it/acknowledge it.
This is the end of a very long day. I have a few last things to do and so I will bid you very sweet dreams.
Sending love,
Clare
Muck around in there and see what you find, why don't you??
S#3 and brood are almost here. I will probably be AWOL until Saturday evening. I am feeling disappointed because mostly my kids won't be here. Right or wrong, it's triggering a lot of my not-good-enough bells and I'm feeling a little lost.
This is that gift of a moment of vulnerability. I must wear it/bear it/acknowledge it.
This is the end of a very long day. I have a few last things to do and so I will bid you very sweet dreams.
Sending love,
Clare
Mush-brain has set in
Clare,
I am sleeping a lot. I believe that is part of the healing process. I have been wandering outside in the yard several times a day, enjoying the heat and humidity. My garden is a mess, really needs to be weeded and tended.
We have been blessed by a wave of food from friends…more than we can eat. I have a refrigerator full of meals and extras…it is surprising. This is the week my daughters were going to cook. Next week the Meeting is taking turns delivering food each day. Then we'll have even more.
I am too tired and scattered to try to work. Somehow I thought I'd be doing something productive at this point. But, that will come in time.
I am really enjoying just hanging out with my family…at least those who will hang with me.
I've had some really nice conversations with old friends.
But I'm not having deep thoughts nor am I capable of reading anything of substance.
Mush-brain has set in.
Thanks for being here…
as always, Love and Light,
Maggie
I am sleeping a lot. I believe that is part of the healing process. I have been wandering outside in the yard several times a day, enjoying the heat and humidity. My garden is a mess, really needs to be weeded and tended.
We have been blessed by a wave of food from friends…more than we can eat. I have a refrigerator full of meals and extras…it is surprising. This is the week my daughters were going to cook. Next week the Meeting is taking turns delivering food each day. Then we'll have even more.
I am too tired and scattered to try to work. Somehow I thought I'd be doing something productive at this point. But, that will come in time.
I am really enjoying just hanging out with my family…at least those who will hang with me.
I've had some really nice conversations with old friends.
But I'm not having deep thoughts nor am I capable of reading anything of substance.
Mush-brain has set in.
Thanks for being here…
as always, Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
transforming power
So I have been thinking about birth-death-transformation...and today, (as an aside, one of my favorite quotes: Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.) coincidentally, I was talking about bullying, the seeds of the problem and the success of AVP (Alternatives to Violence Project) at addressing the problem.
I explained that the miracle of using AVP is in recognizing every situation has a moment when transforming power changes everything. Transforming power.
That phrase resounded through me and has been part of me all day long.
And of course, I saw a turkey vulture riding the wind, soaring way high where it could see everything.
My youngest and I went to the farmers market for the first time this season. We saw old friends, bought a few things we absolutely don't need, but are such luxuries - handmade goat milk soap...and we ate locally made tacos. My daughter said we should do this every Wednesday. It was a nice way to end a day.
Hope you are healing from your transformation. I love you!!!
Clare
I explained that the miracle of using AVP is in recognizing every situation has a moment when transforming power changes everything. Transforming power.
That phrase resounded through me and has been part of me all day long.
And of course, I saw a turkey vulture riding the wind, soaring way high where it could see everything.
My youngest and I went to the farmers market for the first time this season. We saw old friends, bought a few things we absolutely don't need, but are such luxuries - handmade goat milk soap...and we ate locally made tacos. My daughter said we should do this every Wednesday. It was a nice way to end a day.
Hope you are healing from your transformation. I love you!!!
Clare
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
death/birth/death
I wasn't thinking about anything as profound as life or death. It was more a sense of joining, of understanding. I have been having strange trails of thoughts about disease, and about humans being a disease to the Earth. We have really infected her with our inhumanity. And I was thinking about diseases - caused by organisms mostly, and wondering if it is possible to come to a place of balance, with both organisms - the host and the guest/parasite/infector being able to share the same space, being in balance.
And I come back to a place of no - the bacteria, the virus must be eradicated because it doesn't have the life force of maintaining balance. It only grows and consumes and kills its home.
It is what we are doing to the planet. We refuse to be in balance. We want the luxury lifestyle promised by the media.
But do we have to be eradicated if we want the Earth to survive? The human body is supposed to be a conglomerate of bacteria. Kind of like all of the other species which benefit the Earth, live in harmony.
so...birth or death? They are one in the same - leaving one place necessarily means newly entering another. In the Tarot deck, Death means transformation. The life you are living is so changed it is as if you are living a new life.
Transformation...like my turkey vultures portend...
When you wrote that S#1 was talking, I thought maybe you meant B#1. I was so confused, because I am S#1. Then I figured it out. I am glad he is talking. Just listen and let him figure it out.
Love and hugs...
Clare
And I come back to a place of no - the bacteria, the virus must be eradicated because it doesn't have the life force of maintaining balance. It only grows and consumes and kills its home.
It is what we are doing to the planet. We refuse to be in balance. We want the luxury lifestyle promised by the media.
But do we have to be eradicated if we want the Earth to survive? The human body is supposed to be a conglomerate of bacteria. Kind of like all of the other species which benefit the Earth, live in harmony.
so...birth or death? They are one in the same - leaving one place necessarily means newly entering another. In the Tarot deck, Death means transformation. The life you are living is so changed it is as if you are living a new life.
Transformation...like my turkey vultures portend...
When you wrote that S#1 was talking, I thought maybe you meant B#1. I was so confused, because I am S#1. Then I figured it out. I am glad he is talking. Just listen and let him figure it out.
Love and hugs...
Clare
Canal- birth or death?
I once began the process of costuming a modern play…
It was very strange and I never really "got it".
People around me told me it was brilliant, but I never understood it…
I felt inadequate…
but did the job that I contracted to do.
One the first dress rehearsal the writer came to watch…
he didn't like my work…
and told the director to tell me to change a large majority of the costumes…
with 3days to go until opening.
I refused.
No one ever asked my opinion or my inspiration for making the choices I had made.
I was just told to change…
so, I respectfully resigned from the project.
Anyway- there was a whole being dug deep into the earth in this show…
I could never quite understand if it meant birth or death…
holes or canals generally mean birth or death…
I wonder what your means.
I have been incredibly calm through this past few days. I spoke with a friend earlier today and told her that I really have a sensation of being surrounded and supported by loving kindness. I have never felt this peace before. Thanks God for Quakers and my family and other friends. Even S#1 is talking despite his struggles. He isn't even sure why he's making such poor choices- he knows thy are going to have negative consequences.
At least he's talking and thinking.
I am getting sleepy- I took 3 short walks outside today. I will check in tomorrow
Love and Light,
Maggie
It was very strange and I never really "got it".
People around me told me it was brilliant, but I never understood it…
I felt inadequate…
but did the job that I contracted to do.
One the first dress rehearsal the writer came to watch…
he didn't like my work…
and told the director to tell me to change a large majority of the costumes…
with 3days to go until opening.
I refused.
No one ever asked my opinion or my inspiration for making the choices I had made.
I was just told to change…
so, I respectfully resigned from the project.
Anyway- there was a whole being dug deep into the earth in this show…
I could never quite understand if it meant birth or death…
holes or canals generally mean birth or death…
I wonder what your means.
I have been incredibly calm through this past few days. I spoke with a friend earlier today and told her that I really have a sensation of being surrounded and supported by loving kindness. I have never felt this peace before. Thanks God for Quakers and my family and other friends. Even S#1 is talking despite his struggles. He isn't even sure why he's making such poor choices- he knows thy are going to have negative consequences.
At least he's talking and thinking.
I am getting sleepy- I took 3 short walks outside today. I will check in tomorrow
Love and Light,
Maggie
this and this and this and that
Hi Love,
So nice to have you back! I'm glad everything went as it was meant to. You are absolutely correct that the Divine will arrange things if you trust and allow it to happen.
Your kids are marvelous, even the lost boy. It sounds like he is desperately trying to maintain the drama of his status quo. It is classic to create a drama when life is about to get real. But now his Dad has to step in and stop it.
I have been doing too much and not giving myself the gift of sitting here and blogging with you. Yesterday I watched the video you shared - How to run like a girl. It really hit something deep, and I wanted to write about it last evening. It is amazing how kids know that girls just run. But older kids - teens and above know that to run like a girl means to be weak and silly. Like a girl is the ultimate insult. I was lost in my childhood for a moment. I remember not liking to run a lot. I liked walking though- I could/would walk for hours. But once, when I was 7 - I remember the house we were living in - I ran. Something inside of me let go and I felt powerful and free. I was running and completely out of control. There was something small inside, afraid that if I fell, I would really fall. But I ignored it and I ran.
I wonder if that little girl is still inside me...
Then I started to remember that neighborhood. There were three families of kids who played together, and a lot of it was unsupervised and a lot of it was sexual. At the time, it seemed normal. Looking back as an adult, I now see definite signs of abuse,sexual abuse, especially among the kids of one family. It's amazing how we recognize each other.
I have been getting trapped in the past a lot lately. I'm not sure why. But memories creep up on me and are in my mind, and I am seeing them from a different viewpoint.
What I was planning to tell you today, because I didn't expect to see you here, is about a moment last night, before sleep. I sort of got dragged into the Earth. I started to panic, because it was dark, but I reminded myself to relax and trust, relax and trust. I became very soft and flexible and suddenly saw myself being pulled through a trachea, or maybe an intestine, made of dark - like coal. I just traveled. Once I was relaxed, it was over...
It was interesting, and obviously means something.
So that's the news. S#3 and daughter and grandkids will be here this weekend. I am looking forward to the company.
Love and hugs,
Clare
So nice to have you back! I'm glad everything went as it was meant to. You are absolutely correct that the Divine will arrange things if you trust and allow it to happen.
Your kids are marvelous, even the lost boy. It sounds like he is desperately trying to maintain the drama of his status quo. It is classic to create a drama when life is about to get real. But now his Dad has to step in and stop it.
I have been doing too much and not giving myself the gift of sitting here and blogging with you. Yesterday I watched the video you shared - How to run like a girl. It really hit something deep, and I wanted to write about it last evening. It is amazing how kids know that girls just run. But older kids - teens and above know that to run like a girl means to be weak and silly. Like a girl is the ultimate insult. I was lost in my childhood for a moment. I remember not liking to run a lot. I liked walking though- I could/would walk for hours. But once, when I was 7 - I remember the house we were living in - I ran. Something inside of me let go and I felt powerful and free. I was running and completely out of control. There was something small inside, afraid that if I fell, I would really fall. But I ignored it and I ran.
I wonder if that little girl is still inside me...
Then I started to remember that neighborhood. There were three families of kids who played together, and a lot of it was unsupervised and a lot of it was sexual. At the time, it seemed normal. Looking back as an adult, I now see definite signs of abuse,sexual abuse, especially among the kids of one family. It's amazing how we recognize each other.
I have been getting trapped in the past a lot lately. I'm not sure why. But memories creep up on me and are in my mind, and I am seeing them from a different viewpoint.
What I was planning to tell you today, because I didn't expect to see you here, is about a moment last night, before sleep. I sort of got dragged into the Earth. I started to panic, because it was dark, but I reminded myself to relax and trust, relax and trust. I became very soft and flexible and suddenly saw myself being pulled through a trachea, or maybe an intestine, made of dark - like coal. I just traveled. Once I was relaxed, it was over...
It was interesting, and obviously means something.
So that's the news. S#3 and daughter and grandkids will be here this weekend. I am looking forward to the company.
Love and hugs,
Clare
catching up
Clare,
Waiting is the worst thing we are asked to do…
we are impotent…
just sitting with man-made time…
until something else happens.
I told husband time and again he had the hardest job on Thursday…
I was anesthetized…
time was irrelevant…
and yet he had to experience each and every moment of uncertainty.
I slept well Wednesday night…
I was not incredibly anxious.
I think I knew it was time to take this next step.
Even on our drive to the hospital there was a calm resolve that we had finally arrived at the procedure that would remove this cancer from my body.
We were amused that I was assigned to the pediatric hospital…
my plastic surgeon prefers those OR's and recovery spaces. After all of the kidding around about it, it really was a blessing. There were 2 other patients there for the overnight, both early teenaged boys who were very quiet. I had an incredible nurse for my first 12 hours who I really connected with. SHe was always available, but not intrusive…and said some very spiritually insightful things to make me appreciate her and the process. The versed they gave me has wiped away most of the details…but I will never forget how kind she was.
I stayed the first night in the pediatric recovery unit. I was quite comfortable until 3 am when I woke in a significant amount of pain. They brought my meds and then investigated. It looked as if the breast-fairy had delivered me a new one to the left side. I was collecting blood in the drainage bulb and under the skin flap fairly rapidly. About 6am I had a parade of residents, med students and surgeons visiting- no one really saying definitively what was up, but each telling me no to eat breakfast- a sure sign you're going back to the OR. Finally my plastic surgeon came in and explained that the medication they use to prevent deep vein clots caused me to bled into the pocket they'd created. He was sincerely concerned and apologetic. He promised to make it right, and he did.
When we were going through the process of assembling our team for this cancer, husband was quite upset because his first choices were not available for one reason or another. After this week I know that right team was assembled for us. Sometimes we have to trust the Divine to put the right people into our lives at the right time.
I spent most if the past 2 days sleeping. I have short periods of lucidity between pain medication dosages and then the additional muscle relaxants. My daughter washed my hair in the sink. Yesterday I walked outside twice and took a shower. I had husband shower with me and we took the bandages off. That has made a big difference comfort wise- they itched a lot as they pulled from position to position. Now, the only thing that remains uncomfortable are the drains. They will be pulled when they drain less than 30cc for 2 days in a row.
My oldest daughter has been incredible through all of this. She keeps a tight schedule and is making me amazingly healthy, fiber-filled, high protein meals. It is wonderful having her take care of that part of the recovery.
She is going away for 2 days, to Boston to visit a friend and to see Beyonce' concert. She's had these plans for a long time. Daughter#2 is stepping up, with the help of a friend who is bringing dinner and hanging out.
My oldest son is struggling. He is escaping…much of the time without permission. He has been stealing money and was even going to sell the Wii console and games to get money. I let him use a credit card yesterday to get gas, asked him to bring it right back- which he thought was pointless- but then husband checked the activity on the and and he purchased gas for himself, a friend, and food 3 times. He promised to use it only for gas. He is into something serious and I am so not up for the battle.
He sits with me and talks with me when he comes home. I am so confused. I asked B#4 to talk with him, explain how his was his experience with his sons and how difficult all of that was. I hope that works- he needs an eye opener, reality check.
I am trying to let husband make the choices, decisions and then back him up for consistency sake. But, this has got to end.
The pain meds are taking effect- I am having trouble finding the letters on the key boards.
Love and Light-
Thanks for being here,
Maggie
Waiting is the worst thing we are asked to do…
we are impotent…
just sitting with man-made time…
until something else happens.
I told husband time and again he had the hardest job on Thursday…
I was anesthetized…
time was irrelevant…
and yet he had to experience each and every moment of uncertainty.
I slept well Wednesday night…
I was not incredibly anxious.
I think I knew it was time to take this next step.
Even on our drive to the hospital there was a calm resolve that we had finally arrived at the procedure that would remove this cancer from my body.
We were amused that I was assigned to the pediatric hospital…
my plastic surgeon prefers those OR's and recovery spaces. After all of the kidding around about it, it really was a blessing. There were 2 other patients there for the overnight, both early teenaged boys who were very quiet. I had an incredible nurse for my first 12 hours who I really connected with. SHe was always available, but not intrusive…and said some very spiritually insightful things to make me appreciate her and the process. The versed they gave me has wiped away most of the details…but I will never forget how kind she was.
I stayed the first night in the pediatric recovery unit. I was quite comfortable until 3 am when I woke in a significant amount of pain. They brought my meds and then investigated. It looked as if the breast-fairy had delivered me a new one to the left side. I was collecting blood in the drainage bulb and under the skin flap fairly rapidly. About 6am I had a parade of residents, med students and surgeons visiting- no one really saying definitively what was up, but each telling me no to eat breakfast- a sure sign you're going back to the OR. Finally my plastic surgeon came in and explained that the medication they use to prevent deep vein clots caused me to bled into the pocket they'd created. He was sincerely concerned and apologetic. He promised to make it right, and he did.
When we were going through the process of assembling our team for this cancer, husband was quite upset because his first choices were not available for one reason or another. After this week I know that right team was assembled for us. Sometimes we have to trust the Divine to put the right people into our lives at the right time.
I spent most if the past 2 days sleeping. I have short periods of lucidity between pain medication dosages and then the additional muscle relaxants. My daughter washed my hair in the sink. Yesterday I walked outside twice and took a shower. I had husband shower with me and we took the bandages off. That has made a big difference comfort wise- they itched a lot as they pulled from position to position. Now, the only thing that remains uncomfortable are the drains. They will be pulled when they drain less than 30cc for 2 days in a row.
My oldest daughter has been incredible through all of this. She keeps a tight schedule and is making me amazingly healthy, fiber-filled, high protein meals. It is wonderful having her take care of that part of the recovery.
She is going away for 2 days, to Boston to visit a friend and to see Beyonce' concert. She's had these plans for a long time. Daughter#2 is stepping up, with the help of a friend who is bringing dinner and hanging out.
My oldest son is struggling. He is escaping…much of the time without permission. He has been stealing money and was even going to sell the Wii console and games to get money. I let him use a credit card yesterday to get gas, asked him to bring it right back- which he thought was pointless- but then husband checked the activity on the and and he purchased gas for himself, a friend, and food 3 times. He promised to use it only for gas. He is into something serious and I am so not up for the battle.
He sits with me and talks with me when he comes home. I am so confused. I asked B#4 to talk with him, explain how his was his experience with his sons and how difficult all of that was. I hope that works- he needs an eye opener, reality check.
I am trying to let husband make the choices, decisions and then back him up for consistency sake. But, this has got to end.
The pain meds are taking effect- I am having trouble finding the letters on the key boards.
Love and Light-
Thanks for being here,
Maggie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)