Withstanding

Being in control, and withstanding...these are the words that leaped out and roared at me in your last two posts.  I know these words well in my life.  I have been complimented over and over for being such a strong woman...I can survive anything.  But being in control - withstanding - it makes me feel like we are fortresses.  My walls are high, my moat is full and my drawbridge is up.  And no one is coming in, because it is peaceful and safe in here.  But it's lonely, and humans are not meant to live alone.  Isn't it amazing how we can have large families, and still be alone?  I have been more and more aware of it lately.

I remember spending lots of time alone as a child, as an adolescent, even when I was at college.  I guess I learned early that lonely was safe.  But I have developed a great capacity to be alone and serene.

Does this feel familiar to you?

My ex and I were, and are, very civil - even though there are moments when I want to smack him!  I have always been proud of our cordial relationship, and our kids have thanked us for behaving well.  I never considered that it was a family pattern - and not a healthy one!  I used to get loud and emotional with my college sweetheart.  And he always thought it was funny when it happened.  Thinking back to that healthy relationship again...

I really admire your courage in facing the fact that you don't get mad at males.  We get that message from culture, from church, from family - and once you've been raped, you learn...deep and experientially.  Your brothers taught you not to stand up, not to get angry.  I think this could be the seed of why you feel so guilty about not protecting S#3 when the boys were repeatedly raping her. Maybe it's easier to see your response to her than to your own situation.

Avoiding males...I guess that's what I do, too.  A friend asked me if I wanted a man.  I had to stop and think about my answer.  I would love to have a companion.  But I don't want any more pain.  But Brene teaches us that we need to feel the pain in order to get to the joy - we have to feel it all.

I feel like I want to cry...

How do you feel the emotions?  You swan dive into the swamp.  Whoa - emotional reaction here...I have spent so much time trying to get out, I hadn't considered diving in intentionally.  Swan dive into the swamp and see what you find swirling in the murk.  I think this could be a great guided meditation for both of us.  I wonder how we could do it...

I was talking to someone today about the accumulation of wealth within that top 1%, wondering if they saw poverty or kept themselves so insulated that it was hidden, gone, invisible.  My thought was they do everything first class and behind tinted glass and so they don't see poverty, even though it is all around them.  We were talking about being humane vs being inhumane, and she asked:  What do we do?  And I just said:  Be kind.  It all seemed so simple.  Every time we are kind, every time we see someone - truly see them and listen to them, acknowledge their existence we access humanity, both ours and theirs.

It seems so simple...

I'm glad you are hitting some important layers of awareness.  Dive deeper - you can do it.

I love you, remember your Light...

Clare