Avoiding the dirty details

I just passed my licensing exam! I am not sure what a difference it will make to be a licensed social worker...but I will be one as soon as the grades are processed.

As for your questions...I am not sure that I have ever trusted anyone...which makes me wonder what happened very early on in my life. Trust/mistrust are normally established within the first year.
After this past year and a half's work, I do want to say that I am developing trust with you, husband and my wise friend.

I also think that I can move between my head and body...but I am not sure that I integrate them. I know it is necessary, but up until now I have not seen the purpose of doing so. I think that I reluctantly left my head when I was having sex...which is probably the only time that I experience my body. Even when I have incredible cramps with my period I can busy my mind and ignore them.
Oh, maybe I live in my body when I am really sick...
well, the bottom line is that is extra-ordinary for me.

As for telling my story...
I remember the events that led up to abuse but my memories are so fragmented about the actual molestation that I don't share details.
I don't fully trust my own recollections- isn't that typical for an alcoholic's daughter?
I speak of violence, abuse and dysfunction...
but have not been able to publicly say rape, incest, molestation.
I conveniently (and self protectingly) avoid the dirty details.
So, I do distance myself from the story, which makes it neat and easier for me to tell it...
losing it's swampiness.
 One of these days though I am going to tell my story, with great courage...
from my heart...
and be free of the secrets and shame. I am working towards that moment.

Just listened to a message on my machine from a Friend/friend. His wife died yesterday. I spent some time with her and really enjoyed her company. She's been ill for quite some time, but deteriorated over the past month. This man spoke at Meeting several weeks ago of his pain and suffering with letting her go. He is the one who inspired me to speak of vulnerability and share my frustrations.

I met with my wise friend yesterday, she noticed a difference and asked what was different,
so I told her my experiences of the past several weeks.
She shared many pieces of wisdom with me.
She told me that she feels as if her time is coming to an end...
and I could feel the truth in her words.
I began to cry and hugged her longer and harder than I have ever hugged anyone.
I know that deaths come in threes...I can only hold her in the Light.

All for now,
Maggie