Why do I do that?

In the grasshopper dream, my rational mind was analyzing it - and I remember thinking that the preying mantid eats insects, including grasshoppers, but grasshoppers only eat plants.  I thought it had something to do with vegetarians and carnivores.  What was remarkable, though, was the size of the grasshopper.  And the perfection of each insect.

I killed a spider last night.  It was instinctive, and it really bothered me afterwards.  I don't kill.  A large wolf spider was running under my grandson's bed, and he was concerned, so I hit the spider with a block.  I felt it crumble and I felt so bad.  I always move insects outside - unless they're parasitic.  Those I kill without thought...

People who acknowledge the bad stuff that has happened also struggle, but I don't think it is as bad as those who block and forget.  I think first of my mother-in-law and her continual struggle to stay stable.  She suffered so much with depression.  She also had a specific world-view and only accepted what fit.  Nothing else was real.  So she had her own, safe world - but she was there alone.  I remember her sons told a story of an event from when they were teens.  She looked them directly in the eye and said,  "That never happened."  End of story...it didn't fit and so it was not true.  I wonder if it was like having an iceberg floating in your soul.  Kind of makes one's whole life The Titanic - a slow motion disaster.  I also wonder about B#1.  He has completely rewritten our family history...I just had a thought.  I wonder if we all avoid each other, because our shared history threatens our carefully constructed and maintained stories...

It also occurs that I have rewritten our story and made myself the villain.  I remember details of when I was bad or rude, striking out, calling names.  Why would I do that?  Why do I feel the need to be bad?

How do you feel today?  How is the dog?

I think I always introduce myself in relation to someone else.  I recently introduced myself as the mother of my youngest, and was gently asked if I have a name.  I think I try to disappear behind others, define myself by others...one more way to stay invisible!

I love you,

Clare