distracting myself...again

I had a long talk with my wise friend today...she has a way of stripping away all of my bullshit.
She challenged me to identify the base cue to my habits.
I believe it is the fear of loss of control...I need to be in control...most of the time.
She told me it is deeper than that.

We were also talking about the past week, my wheezing and the day of back/neck pain...
she asked what's blocking my breath? What am I failing to deliver oxygen to?
What is going on that is making it so hard to breath or move?
I am trying to figure it out...
I think it has to do with that yellow chakra and my block there.
But how do I break through that?
What do I need to do to open that up?
I feel as if everything is directing me to something obvious and I am too scattered to see it.
I have been caught up in busy-ness again...
a sure sign that I am avoiding something.
I spend my day grading, reading, working on some busy work...
not allowing myself time to reflect or be present to the moment.

So I need to find surrender within myself...
not create it...
or control it...
just open to it.
But that scares the heck out of me.
I am just not sure I can handle it.

About this course...the professor is really good. She talks about stripping out all of the jargon, acronyms, hedge words. She wants us to claim our work, use I and we in the body of the text. And, write in active voice. It's very different. It is kind of freeing...but it is hard to write against the rules that I've learned over the years. Oh well, week 2 is done and I am still enjoying it.

I need this though...otherwise I am still in the swamp.
Love and Light,
Maggie