Once bitten...

But, what if the swamp is what keeps us from having life experiences, or actually experiencing them?  We are too busy trying to survive, keep our heads above the slime to really live...or maybe we are hiding in the slime, just barely keeping our heads above water, so we survive - but never thrive...never feel the sunshine...never see Europe.

I went to the swamp when I woke up in the middle of the night.  The little girl was sitting in the mud, but the swamp was sort of drained.  She was covered in mud.  I went to pick her up and she was like a wooden soldier - like one of those Christmas decorations...a carved, decorated peg.

Just as a bit of insight, when we lived in the house next to the graveyard, I read a book of short horror stories.  One was about dolls with teeth.  It terrified me.  A few years later, on a show called Night Gallery, there was another story about a doll with teeth.  Again, it terrified me and haunted me...

So, I picked up the wooden little girl, and went to prop her on my shoulder, like I do with all babies and she leaned back, opened her mouth and I saw teeth.  Part of me panicked and wanted to throw her as far as I could.  But another, calm, reasonable, curious part of me, said,  "Let her bite you."  So I put her up to my right shoulder and she bit me - a big gaping bite, a real bite that hurt but really didn't leave a wound.  So I let her bite my left shoulder, right where shoulder joins neck.  I stopped being afraid.  I let her bit my right hip, then left hip.  I put her down...and have no idea what happened next.

So I don't know where I am, or who that was.  Was it the swamp or something else?  Was that me or something else?

I don't know.  But I survived.  And I'm not scared.

I tried to watch the Wabi sabi, but couldn't reason with my computer or you tube.  I'll try again!

So things are changing.  I am facing something.

I have been thinking a lot about my marriage, wondering how my ex felt about me and all of my problems.  He was probably overwhelmed, unprepared to deal with someone with so much damage - especially since he was so damaged himself.  I can understand better why he kept a distance.  I am gaining perspective, a sense of balance I think.  I am feeling - different, more loving and accepting, more a part of the fabric  and less like a mistake.

I still wonder if I will ever let anyone close to me, but feeling more comfortable and at ease with either possibility - alone or coupled.

Are you having a fun week?  I hope so.

I love you,

Clare

(Reread my post to proofread - ready to cry again...another night of it, I suppose...)