At least the ideas are flowing

I just finished mowing and raking leaves. What a beautiful day. I was on the tractor watching my path to make sure I was blowing all of the leaves towards the periphery when I happened to look up. The sky was incredible clear and blue. The leaves of the closest tree are already red with others in the background at stages of change ranging from green to brown. It was beautiful. I tried to keep my eyes looking up from that point on. Trying to find joy in each of the moments

I have been thinking about yesterday's post.
I spent a lot of time trying to identify my cue...
what makes me react in my established patterns of controlling everything around me?
I am starting to wonder if it has to do with feeling any emotion.
I have been pushing people away lately...
trying to remain superficial...
even here in our conversation I have had trouble going deep to identify the real thoughts and insights.
I think I am really good at numbing, but when something is coming to a head I work especially hard to block the emotions.

I think the emotional reaction that I had last week with my son's friend was probably the first time I have ever been that directly and obviously angry with a male.
I have never been able to express anger or rage...
I have stifled it from the time that I was very young until the present. I think that the anger is trying to release itself from my "repression fortress"somewhere deep in my mind...
and I think that scares the hell out of me.
Even husband, when we were separated, never experienced my anger.
I was always controlled and civil, as was he.
That was actually one of the things that made me believe that divorce was our best option...
if we didn't passionately fight for this relationship, then it must not be worth fighting for.
I think we would be much better off if we just exploded once in a while...
not to the point of hurting each other but to allow the experience of emotions.
I think it is one reason that I am struggling with the best way to parent teenage boys...
I have avoided males at an emotional level for my whole life...
why start now?
Because my sons are worth it.

So, how do I become courageous enough to feel emotions, really feel them, for the first time in my life?
I still don't cry...unless I see a sad movie.
How do I stop the numbing?

I think it might be like singing...if you want to increase your higher range you also work on your lower range. You don't just keep trying to get to higher and higher notes all of the time.

Perhaps I need to start with something easy...you know, really feel happy about something.
Maybe laugh until I pee my pants. Maybe pull out a sad movie and let the tears flow.
I need to meditate...
try to access that deeper part of me that is so far away,
being held hostage because of my fear of being hurt.
Damn, I was already hurt...
I survived years of molestation and abuse...and am still alive.
I can withstand anything.

At least ideas are flowing...even if the emotions are still frozen.
Any insights?
Love and Light,
Maggie