Nobody....

It must be nice to have the power to strike terror into people's hearts!  A pop quiz.  I don't think I ever saw it as an advantage.

I am so  glad your dog is back to normal.  Our new arrival had a very good day.  She just seemed - like she belongs.  She gets along with the cat, and with our niece's dog.  He was beginning to seem normal to me, until this other dog arrived.  Now I see all over again how teeny he is.  I'm just not used to little dogs.  But he has a good personality - he is a sensible fellow.

I had a tough night last night.  I am getting so damned tired of wallowing.  But I think I have to feel it and let it flow in order to - transform.  It just never seems to end, but I guess it does change.  I think I am exposing/exploring the lost little girl waiting for someone to take care of her.  Maybe I have excavated all the way down to her.  And she is still crying.  A lot.  All the time.  And so I cry with her.  Once the tears emerge and are acknowledged then maybe she will stop feeling alone and abandoned.  Maybe I can find her soon, and hold her.  Her tears flow with - Nobody loves me.  Nobody has ever loved me.  Nobody will ever love me.  The logical part of my brain lists people who love me, but she cries harder and says Nobody loves me.  And so I will cry.  I will cry every night until this passes.  Because it is necessary.

I had a weird moment with my grandson.  I was sitting on a swing with a slatted seat.  He was playing, climbing on it, crawling around.  At one point, he was underneath and he poked the back of my thighs with a stick maybe.  I panicked.  I wanted to run.  My reaction was so strong and so physical.  I think it had to mean something, but I can't remember what.

Exhausted because I'm crying instead of sleeping.  So off to bed early with me...

I love you, but the question of the day is:  Do I love me?

Clare