I am felling your depression and despair. We do live in a violent, misogynistic society/world. It clearly needs to be overhauled. But don't lose sight of the Light and good in people and the world. We focus on certain aspects of our environment, determined by the lenses that are formed by our traumas and triumphs...we can choose to suffer or choose to live.
I am thinking about the drawing about blossoming and the pain of holding on.
I am getting the impression that you are uncomfortable because it is time for change, you are ready for change, but somewhere inside you aren't willing to change. That's not meant to be a judgement. People don't like change, we would rather cling to the swamp because it's our home than move onto dry land. I am experiencing similar struggles, but am becoming more able to recognize the power play of my ego and true self. It is actually comical when I step back and watch the struggle. I think that is the one thing that I most notice with this energy work.
If you ever want to come down and visit the healer let me know. I will schedule it and we can go together or separate...whatever makes you most comfortable.
I felt so frustrated with my students today...and their unwillingness to work independently and think about how things interrelate. I sometimes think that I expect too much...but this material is boring unless you find the awe in it. The human body can be memorized with a lot of effort, or it can be embraced for miraculous system that it is. I am getting to the point in my semester when I start advising people to drop my class, rather than fail. They can always take it next fall.
My boys are out for Halloween...the youngest one is dressed as a female police officer in high heeled boots...the older on is dressed as Miley Cyrus in her "wrecking ball" video. Needless to say they are very comfortable with themselves.
I am sitting home for a very quiet evening. We never get trick or treaters out here.
I hope that you have a peaceful night.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Mowing
I went outside to mow the lawn. That is a meditative chore for me. Just walking in circles, slowing down, it helps me slow my thoughts and let things churn.
I went out and started the mower right after responding to your post about being Pop's little chickadee. I got angry and depressed and weepy, and started into a pattern I do. It's sort of suicidal, although I do not try to commit suicide, nor will I. But I get overwhelmed with how hard it is to be here. It seems like change will never happen. I feel trapped. Just trapped and alone and like a burden to everyone. It's suicidal in that I don't want to do this any more. But I don't know how to get out.
Today the voice of wisdom said I needed to treat myself like my child or like my sister. But I can't. I don't know how...
Somehow I got onto original sin and baptism...thinking that our original sin isn't being born or being born of sex, it's because they know they are going to rape us, make us dirty and worthless, and so they preemptively offer salvation. Not rational, I know. But my thoughts were racing as I walked in slow circles.
I thought of the artificial way they create caste layers. I thought of being called Rape-bait or Jail-bait once my breasts became noticeable. Terms like this make it a sport - deer hunting, victim hunting - it's all the same. I thought that we, as females, we can be raped if caught. We are the lowest. But we are raped by young men who often are sacrificed in war. Who's lower? I have no idea if this is true, but I suspect the survival rate may be similar. Need some to survive and breed new fodder for rape and war...
It all seems to be tied together. Being used, being abused, being exploited, being poor, never ever finding a way out, never ever letting another come close.
I felt so depressed. I had to wonder if it comes from these lower chakras. Not in a good place tonight. But I know this overpowering emotion always puts me someplace new. And so, somewhere deep inside I am grateful. Even though the child or the victim in me just thinks it's too hard. This is all just too hard. I am tired..........
Love and hugs and connections...
Clare
I went out and started the mower right after responding to your post about being Pop's little chickadee. I got angry and depressed and weepy, and started into a pattern I do. It's sort of suicidal, although I do not try to commit suicide, nor will I. But I get overwhelmed with how hard it is to be here. It seems like change will never happen. I feel trapped. Just trapped and alone and like a burden to everyone. It's suicidal in that I don't want to do this any more. But I don't know how to get out.
Today the voice of wisdom said I needed to treat myself like my child or like my sister. But I can't. I don't know how...
Somehow I got onto original sin and baptism...thinking that our original sin isn't being born or being born of sex, it's because they know they are going to rape us, make us dirty and worthless, and so they preemptively offer salvation. Not rational, I know. But my thoughts were racing as I walked in slow circles.
I thought of the artificial way they create caste layers. I thought of being called Rape-bait or Jail-bait once my breasts became noticeable. Terms like this make it a sport - deer hunting, victim hunting - it's all the same. I thought that we, as females, we can be raped if caught. We are the lowest. But we are raped by young men who often are sacrificed in war. Who's lower? I have no idea if this is true, but I suspect the survival rate may be similar. Need some to survive and breed new fodder for rape and war...
It all seems to be tied together. Being used, being abused, being exploited, being poor, never ever finding a way out, never ever letting another come close.
I felt so depressed. I had to wonder if it comes from these lower chakras. Not in a good place tonight. But I know this overpowering emotion always puts me someplace new. And so, somewhere deep inside I am grateful. Even though the child or the victim in me just thinks it's too hard. This is all just too hard. I am tired..........
Love and hugs and connections...
Clare
Seeing my own patterns
I had another crazy day...running from morning until evening. I really have to just stop and breathe.
It's funny, for the past year you've been referring to my yellow chakra, which is the solar plexus/will chakra...but I have been thinking my problem is in my throat chakra. I read your words, but my thoughts consistently were about a block between head and heart. I think it just shows how little I want to move down into my lower chakras and body. I guess I believed that f I cut myself off from the lower chairs I could still find wholeness, be able to get past all of that 'stuff' by 'forgiving and forgetting' it...that's delusional at best.
I am still not sure what the significance of oil or nonstick teflon in my third chakra is. What you say makes sense, but why would something positive or protective be buried within the sludge and wet mud? I am wondering what is lurking beneath the slippery surface that wants to fortify it's hiding place. I am looking forward to next week to find out. She did explain that the deeper we dig the more difficult the memories are to deal with...and I still have at least 4 layers in my heart to open.
I was able to help out at the DV shelter's Halloween party this afternoon. The kids loved it, they were happy and laughing. It is really sad to think how unstable their lives are. But, for a short time today they were just kids playing.
I heard an interview with Pat Conroy who wrote a follow-up to The Great Santini...how he comes to terms with his father before his death. I am just so incredibly tired of the commonness of interpersonal violence, particularly within our families. Why can't we just love and connect? Why do we have to control and fight for power over and ownership of others? Why are we humans so disconnected?
What will it take to recreate health and connections? It probably will never be possible on a large scale, but it can change on the individual level. We need to face our demons, release their power over our actions and habits, and live in respect and connection. But most don't even acknowledge that have demons...denial is a powerful force. I can't imagine what this world would be like if families were strong...then outside violence and instability wouldn't affect us so deeply. We would have a stable trustworthy base. Maybe that's for the next generation.
Sorry, I am back in questioning mode. Maybe the answers will come in my dreams...I can hope!
I love you,
Maggie
It's funny, for the past year you've been referring to my yellow chakra, which is the solar plexus/will chakra...but I have been thinking my problem is in my throat chakra. I read your words, but my thoughts consistently were about a block between head and heart. I think it just shows how little I want to move down into my lower chakras and body. I guess I believed that f I cut myself off from the lower chairs I could still find wholeness, be able to get past all of that 'stuff' by 'forgiving and forgetting' it...that's delusional at best.
I am still not sure what the significance of oil or nonstick teflon in my third chakra is. What you say makes sense, but why would something positive or protective be buried within the sludge and wet mud? I am wondering what is lurking beneath the slippery surface that wants to fortify it's hiding place. I am looking forward to next week to find out. She did explain that the deeper we dig the more difficult the memories are to deal with...and I still have at least 4 layers in my heart to open.
I was able to help out at the DV shelter's Halloween party this afternoon. The kids loved it, they were happy and laughing. It is really sad to think how unstable their lives are. But, for a short time today they were just kids playing.
I heard an interview with Pat Conroy who wrote a follow-up to The Great Santini...how he comes to terms with his father before his death. I am just so incredibly tired of the commonness of interpersonal violence, particularly within our families. Why can't we just love and connect? Why do we have to control and fight for power over and ownership of others? Why are we humans so disconnected?
What will it take to recreate health and connections? It probably will never be possible on a large scale, but it can change on the individual level. We need to face our demons, release their power over our actions and habits, and live in respect and connection. But most don't even acknowledge that have demons...denial is a powerful force. I can't imagine what this world would be like if families were strong...then outside violence and instability wouldn't affect us so deeply. We would have a stable trustworthy base. Maybe that's for the next generation.
Sorry, I am back in questioning mode. Maybe the answers will come in my dreams...I can hope!
I love you,
Maggie
Orange -> Yellow
I think you are right about the funeral I described. There was nothing removed or antiseptic about it. There was no pretending that chemicals and lead lining protect us. It was just one young, lovely woman in the Earth. She was gone from us and we couldn't escape the emotions.
So, when you say between second and third chakras, I think you mean between the orange and the yellow. Interestingly enough, the energy healer I went to said I had a break in my chakras in the same region. That must be the area of most damage when raised in the abuse we faced. It makes sense, though. The orange chakra is about community, I think. It is about our ability to form and maintain relationships on many levels, but most sacredly on a sexual level. Sexual abuse makes us unclean and unwelcome. We are not worthy of being part of the community because we are dirty...but the abusers, they are just fine because they have power and obviously know how to use it. The yellow chakra is our will. We are in charge of our own bodies, our own lives when healthy and in balance. The two chakras must be detached from each other in order for us to submit to sexual abuse.
You did have mud. That's the swamp. You carry it with you. That's the link to "home!" You are finally getting rid of the swamp, and uncovering oil. The oil may be what is allowing the mud to slide off. It might be a thinner version of the mud. As you analyze and become braver, you don't need the mud...maybe. Consider that not only does pain not stick to you, neither do people. You very well might be looking at the layer that keeps people from actually crawling into your heart.
Don't forget - teflon is meant to protect. It's not necessarily bad. But maybe it's time to upgrade your cookware!
I look forward to your insights on Mom and Dad and Pop. I feel a little nervous about Pop. I wonder how far his influence reaches. How many generations did he hurt?
Duh...when you said counselling group, I thought someone was inviting you to be counselled with the group. I reread and got it - you may become a counselor. Follow the doors that open, especially if they feel right. It may not be where you are going, but simply the next step.
I must go mow my lawn, hopefully for the last time of the year...no, definitely for the last time of the year. And I have to stack firewood. Luckily, the sun is shining, so it's a good day to be outside.
Love and hugs,
Clare
So, when you say between second and third chakras, I think you mean between the orange and the yellow. Interestingly enough, the energy healer I went to said I had a break in my chakras in the same region. That must be the area of most damage when raised in the abuse we faced. It makes sense, though. The orange chakra is about community, I think. It is about our ability to form and maintain relationships on many levels, but most sacredly on a sexual level. Sexual abuse makes us unclean and unwelcome. We are not worthy of being part of the community because we are dirty...but the abusers, they are just fine because they have power and obviously know how to use it. The yellow chakra is our will. We are in charge of our own bodies, our own lives when healthy and in balance. The two chakras must be detached from each other in order for us to submit to sexual abuse.
You did have mud. That's the swamp. You carry it with you. That's the link to "home!" You are finally getting rid of the swamp, and uncovering oil. The oil may be what is allowing the mud to slide off. It might be a thinner version of the mud. As you analyze and become braver, you don't need the mud...maybe. Consider that not only does pain not stick to you, neither do people. You very well might be looking at the layer that keeps people from actually crawling into your heart.
Don't forget - teflon is meant to protect. It's not necessarily bad. But maybe it's time to upgrade your cookware!
I look forward to your insights on Mom and Dad and Pop. I feel a little nervous about Pop. I wonder how far his influence reaches. How many generations did he hurt?
Duh...when you said counselling group, I thought someone was inviting you to be counselled with the group. I reread and got it - you may become a counselor. Follow the doors that open, especially if they feel right. It may not be where you are going, but simply the next step.
I must go mow my lawn, hopefully for the last time of the year...no, definitely for the last time of the year. And I have to stack firewood. Luckily, the sun is shining, so it's a good day to be outside.
Love and hugs,
Clare
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
More questions arise
That funeral sounds really wonderful. I am sure that the rawness of watching dirt being placed on a loved ones body would cause a visceral reaction. But that reaction is acknowledging the loss.
I had another session with the energy healer today. She asked me a very interesting question that I did not know how to answer...so I am asking you. While she was working between my second and third chakras she described that the energy changed from the usual heavy, wet mud consistency to an oily, slippery material and then thought of the word "teflon"...the only thing that I could think of was that I am plastic to the outside world and pretend to not let negative things stick to me, despite them hurting me deeply. That answer feels somewhat right, but not on target. Do you have any insights?
I talked a lot about Mom today...my thinking she was a saint for most of my young life, not realizing or admitting her duality until I was an adult. She is a complicated figure in my life, I'm still trying to sort out my thoughts on her.
I talked about Pop today...had a strong sensation that there were memories buried that occurred after he used to stroke my palm and call me his "little chickadee". Nothing that I could piece together, but a feeling.
I also had a flashback to a dream about one of our brothers molesting one of my sons, and his response, when caught, was ,"What? That's what Dad used to do". I actually caught myself in the middle of the recollection and was embarrassed that she might have been able to "see" it too. She never said anything about it. I may email her and ask her if that was something she identified and possibly took away...I hope so.
I was asked if I want to join a counseling group today. I said that I would be interested in exploring it. The doctor told me to contact their human resources person after my license is finalized. Maybe I am destined for one on one healing type work. Maybe your friend was right, I would direct them from my intuition/gut. I have a few weeks before the license is finalized and then I will be even healthier and more whole to take on such a responsibility.
Have a great night.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I had another session with the energy healer today. She asked me a very interesting question that I did not know how to answer...so I am asking you. While she was working between my second and third chakras she described that the energy changed from the usual heavy, wet mud consistency to an oily, slippery material and then thought of the word "teflon"...the only thing that I could think of was that I am plastic to the outside world and pretend to not let negative things stick to me, despite them hurting me deeply. That answer feels somewhat right, but not on target. Do you have any insights?
I talked a lot about Mom today...my thinking she was a saint for most of my young life, not realizing or admitting her duality until I was an adult. She is a complicated figure in my life, I'm still trying to sort out my thoughts on her.
I talked about Pop today...had a strong sensation that there were memories buried that occurred after he used to stroke my palm and call me his "little chickadee". Nothing that I could piece together, but a feeling.
I also had a flashback to a dream about one of our brothers molesting one of my sons, and his response, when caught, was ,"What? That's what Dad used to do". I actually caught myself in the middle of the recollection and was embarrassed that she might have been able to "see" it too. She never said anything about it. I may email her and ask her if that was something she identified and possibly took away...I hope so.
I was asked if I want to join a counseling group today. I said that I would be interested in exploring it. The doctor told me to contact their human resources person after my license is finalized. Maybe I am destined for one on one healing type work. Maybe your friend was right, I would direct them from my intuition/gut. I have a few weeks before the license is finalized and then I will be even healthier and more whole to take on such a responsibility.
Have a great night.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, October 28, 2013
Missed you!
The first funeral I went to, the first viewing of the dead body, was Grammy I believe. I remember having the exact same feeling - it's just a shell, she's not there. But I had another young friend who died at age 35 of ovarian cancer. She was buried in a green cemetery. The body is not embalmed, it is buried on a bier or in a simple wooden box. After she died her mother and sister-in-law prepared the body. She was on a bier covered in a white shroud, and her brothers and father carried her past all of us to a deep hole in the ground. It was raw, it was real. It was a celebration as much as a mourning. Her mother sometimes confuses the "sacrament" of the day and says wedding or another celebration, then cries a little. That day, we sang, we spoke. And then we buried her in flowers. Her dad and her brothers and some of the other men took turns burying her body with dirt after we laid all of our flowers over her. The terrible beauty of the pain and the agony and the joy will bless me forever. Instead of a gravestone, they planted a white pine - The Great Tree of Peace.
I decided I wanted this kind of funeral years and years ago - before I ever knew it was possible. I want a linden tree planted on me. I want to feed the tree that smells like heaven. I want my kids to sing Fields of Gold.
I don't know anything about the Mennonite scandal. I do know that people have dark sides and light sides. His peace work may have been authentic. But it would seems some damage caused a sexual addiction of some sort. Some sort of violence led him to objectify women. The violence may be what led him to peace work. We need to be transparent, no matter how painful, I think. If we are transparent, others can help us overcome these overpowering urges to stop feelings.
If I have time to watch the Pema Chodron piece, I will. Lately I have been working 5 days a week and watching the baby the other two. I am feeling a little wiped out. I can't seem to catch up.
I forgot about the Halloween parties at the NCO club. They were never the same day as trick-or-treating. We always got to dress up twice. I never went to the next town...I just stayed close to home. I went to making homemade costumes, too. My kids still do it. They still love Halloween and dressing up for parties.
I missed you!
Clare
I decided I wanted this kind of funeral years and years ago - before I ever knew it was possible. I want a linden tree planted on me. I want to feed the tree that smells like heaven. I want my kids to sing Fields of Gold.
I don't know anything about the Mennonite scandal. I do know that people have dark sides and light sides. His peace work may have been authentic. But it would seems some damage caused a sexual addiction of some sort. Some sort of violence led him to objectify women. The violence may be what led him to peace work. We need to be transparent, no matter how painful, I think. If we are transparent, others can help us overcome these overpowering urges to stop feelings.
If I have time to watch the Pema Chodron piece, I will. Lately I have been working 5 days a week and watching the baby the other two. I am feeling a little wiped out. I can't seem to catch up.
I forgot about the Halloween parties at the NCO club. They were never the same day as trick-or-treating. We always got to dress up twice. I never went to the next town...I just stayed close to home. I went to making homemade costumes, too. My kids still do it. They still love Halloween and dressing up for parties.
I missed you!
Clare
A short sabbatical
Clare,
So sorry...I just "checked out"for the weekend. Husband is wanting to spend as much time together as possible, especially on the weekends, and with everything else I just couldn't find 30 minutes to sit by myself and write. I started to write twice and had people on top of me and could not think. I guess you could consider it a short sabbatical.
I had to do opening exercise yesterday. I had no idea what to speak about. I checked out a Quaker blog on Saturday night and found a piece called Is Peace Propagating Violence? It was written as a response to a sexual scandal within the Mennonite church of a peace activist acting inappropriately with women. The authors were angered that this man worked outwardly towards greater peace but was secretly violating women...and he died 15 years ago...so there was some kind of a cover-up. Anyway, hidden within all of that confusion was a nugget of Truth...that peace isn't about protests or bumper stickers- Peace begins within the person and extends to everyone we encounter. Friend or foe...no matter what. It came together nicely...I wasn't sure what the take home message was going to be...but the spirit guided me. I stayed away from the scandal and focused on the Truth. When I was considering songs to sing I had several come to mind that were perfect, Let There Be Peace on Earth and The Prayer of St. Frances... again, gratitude to the Spirit. It is interesting, I am reading The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron (again) and it fits with that very theme. Stay with the uncomfortable because that is where the most progress is made...don't retreat into habitual reactions...face the situation and move on.
After meeting one woman told me that Bill Moyers did an interesting interview with Pema Chodron, so I came home and watched that. It answered a question that we batted back and forth a few months ago...about releasing suffering. She defines it much better than I ever could. She separates pain from suffering. Pain is inevitable...part of every one's life. But suffering is holding onto the pain...giving it control of your life, or at least part of your life. That's why suffering is necessary until it no longer is...then we can let it go...we retain the memory of pain...but no longer live within the confines of it.
I went to my friend's funeral today. She looked so different laying in that casket. I really dislike viewings...it's not the person laying there....just a shell. It was a viewing with no service at the funeral home and then people shared memories at the graveside. They kept everyone there as they lowered the casket into the ground. I have never stayed while that was done before. One woman beside me felt that watching that was more difficult than any other part of the proceedings. I think it kind of completed it.
I really want to be cremated when I am dead...ashes spread in the wind if possible. I don't like the idea of any part of this body remaining underground. And I definitely don't want anyone touching my body after I am dead.
I remember that Halloween...I think I was Sleepy...should've been Doc! That is one of the [positive memories that I retain...and besides the picture of us in costume I don't remember much of that day. Did we go to a base halloween party? I don't remember trick or treating in that town. I do remember trick or treating in the next town...always dressing up like a Hobo carrying a pillow case as a treat bag. It was quick, easy and didn't take much preparation. It's funny how I went the opposite direction and made elaborate costumes for my kids...until the year the boys decided that the costumes from the store were superior...translation- like everyone else's.
As for sibling fighting...I have a sign in my kitchen that reads "Because Nice Matters". I never knew it was important to be nice to siblings...but my kids have heard that lecture many times. I am sure they have hurt each other...but not regularly and hopefully not intentionally.
Glad to be back...have patience with me.
Love and Light,
Maggie
So sorry...I just "checked out"for the weekend. Husband is wanting to spend as much time together as possible, especially on the weekends, and with everything else I just couldn't find 30 minutes to sit by myself and write. I started to write twice and had people on top of me and could not think. I guess you could consider it a short sabbatical.
I had to do opening exercise yesterday. I had no idea what to speak about. I checked out a Quaker blog on Saturday night and found a piece called Is Peace Propagating Violence? It was written as a response to a sexual scandal within the Mennonite church of a peace activist acting inappropriately with women. The authors were angered that this man worked outwardly towards greater peace but was secretly violating women...and he died 15 years ago...so there was some kind of a cover-up. Anyway, hidden within all of that confusion was a nugget of Truth...that peace isn't about protests or bumper stickers- Peace begins within the person and extends to everyone we encounter. Friend or foe...no matter what. It came together nicely...I wasn't sure what the take home message was going to be...but the spirit guided me. I stayed away from the scandal and focused on the Truth. When I was considering songs to sing I had several come to mind that were perfect, Let There Be Peace on Earth and The Prayer of St. Frances... again, gratitude to the Spirit. It is interesting, I am reading The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron (again) and it fits with that very theme. Stay with the uncomfortable because that is where the most progress is made...don't retreat into habitual reactions...face the situation and move on.
After meeting one woman told me that Bill Moyers did an interesting interview with Pema Chodron, so I came home and watched that. It answered a question that we batted back and forth a few months ago...about releasing suffering. She defines it much better than I ever could. She separates pain from suffering. Pain is inevitable...part of every one's life. But suffering is holding onto the pain...giving it control of your life, or at least part of your life. That's why suffering is necessary until it no longer is...then we can let it go...we retain the memory of pain...but no longer live within the confines of it.
I went to my friend's funeral today. She looked so different laying in that casket. I really dislike viewings...it's not the person laying there....just a shell. It was a viewing with no service at the funeral home and then people shared memories at the graveside. They kept everyone there as they lowered the casket into the ground. I have never stayed while that was done before. One woman beside me felt that watching that was more difficult than any other part of the proceedings. I think it kind of completed it.
I really want to be cremated when I am dead...ashes spread in the wind if possible. I don't like the idea of any part of this body remaining underground. And I definitely don't want anyone touching my body after I am dead.
I remember that Halloween...I think I was Sleepy...should've been Doc! That is one of the [positive memories that I retain...and besides the picture of us in costume I don't remember much of that day. Did we go to a base halloween party? I don't remember trick or treating in that town. I do remember trick or treating in the next town...always dressing up like a Hobo carrying a pillow case as a treat bag. It was quick, easy and didn't take much preparation. It's funny how I went the opposite direction and made elaborate costumes for my kids...until the year the boys decided that the costumes from the store were superior...translation- like everyone else's.
As for sibling fighting...I have a sign in my kitchen that reads "Because Nice Matters". I never knew it was important to be nice to siblings...but my kids have heard that lecture many times. I am sure they have hurt each other...but not regularly and hopefully not intentionally.
Glad to be back...have patience with me.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Sibling brawls
Hi Maggie,
I hope all is well. I've been spoiled by almost daily check-ins with you. Now I miss you, and worry a bit. Soon, I'll start phone-stalking you
Not feeling inspired today. We went to a baby shower. We carved jack-o-lanterns. Mine has a simple, classic face this year. It would be fun to see a row of photos of them over the years. Unfortunately all I have is sort of memories.
I remember the year Mom decided we would be perfect - the Seven Dwarfs with Snow White and the Prince. But B#2 refused to be a Prince for a sister. Knowing about the sexual contact going on at the time, I would say we were very well trained to avoid all occasion of looking suspicious. But I remember trick-or-treating, then coming home, dumping our bags and trading for favorite candies. Those are moments when we were normal, we were interacting like a healthy group of siblings. I think. If my memory is correct.
My youngest and I were talking about the ways siblings interact. Mine had some crazy "fights." Not physical, but nonetheless, they had interactions I didn't know about, and would not have liked. I told my daughter that I thought a lot of it was too violent, and that I thought I didn't do a good enough job of watching them. She compared their tiffs and battles to some other families, and pointed out that ours weren't bad.
I started thinking about expectations. Why do we expect siblings to battle. Is it normal? Humane? Healthy? Inevitable? I think maybe this is one more place where our culture has led us into violence and we don't even know it. We think it's normal, because we have never experienced anything else.
A friend said something about Gandhi. He couldn't believe that this peaceful man was okay with the caste system. I could only think that the culture makes it okay, normal. And in a few generations, what we see and feel as normal, will be unbelievable to our descendants.
Besides, we still have the caste system. And it's so normal, we don't even know...
I hope you are back soon...this is so much easier with you!
I love you and miss you,
Clare
Final note - up in the middle of the night thinking about inequality. Wishing life were easier, then thinking about how others have it so much worse. Suddenly got really angry at this mindset, and told whoever was listening that everyone deserved enough. Period. No more questions.
My life is may be bad sometimes, but since it's not the worst...that's how we maintain out invisible caste system...
More love, and sleep well.
I hope all is well. I've been spoiled by almost daily check-ins with you. Now I miss you, and worry a bit. Soon, I'll start phone-stalking you
Not feeling inspired today. We went to a baby shower. We carved jack-o-lanterns. Mine has a simple, classic face this year. It would be fun to see a row of photos of them over the years. Unfortunately all I have is sort of memories.
I remember the year Mom decided we would be perfect - the Seven Dwarfs with Snow White and the Prince. But B#2 refused to be a Prince for a sister. Knowing about the sexual contact going on at the time, I would say we were very well trained to avoid all occasion of looking suspicious. But I remember trick-or-treating, then coming home, dumping our bags and trading for favorite candies. Those are moments when we were normal, we were interacting like a healthy group of siblings. I think. If my memory is correct.
My youngest and I were talking about the ways siblings interact. Mine had some crazy "fights." Not physical, but nonetheless, they had interactions I didn't know about, and would not have liked. I told my daughter that I thought a lot of it was too violent, and that I thought I didn't do a good enough job of watching them. She compared their tiffs and battles to some other families, and pointed out that ours weren't bad.
I started thinking about expectations. Why do we expect siblings to battle. Is it normal? Humane? Healthy? Inevitable? I think maybe this is one more place where our culture has led us into violence and we don't even know it. We think it's normal, because we have never experienced anything else.
A friend said something about Gandhi. He couldn't believe that this peaceful man was okay with the caste system. I could only think that the culture makes it okay, normal. And in a few generations, what we see and feel as normal, will be unbelievable to our descendants.
Besides, we still have the caste system. And it's so normal, we don't even know...
I hope you are back soon...this is so much easier with you!
I love you and miss you,
Clare
Final note - up in the middle of the night thinking about inequality. Wishing life were easier, then thinking about how others have it so much worse. Suddenly got really angry at this mindset, and told whoever was listening that everyone deserved enough. Period. No more questions.
My life is may be bad sometimes, but since it's not the worst...that's how we maintain out invisible caste system...
More love, and sleep well.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Our inner toddlers
Ok, I understand. I think that when I am pregnant, I am integrated. I am in my body and aware of it. I feel like I am of the Earth. Right now I don't. I'm so busy and tired, I forget I am a body...Last weekend, I basically forgot to drink anything,. I had a splitting headache by Sunday night and had to sit down and analyze. I keep hydrated by habit, not by paying attention to my body. My work-day habits are pretty healthy...Something else to work on, I suppose. Asking myself if I am thirsty, since I don't seem to notice any of my cues....kind of like having an inner toddler. Hmmmmm, I wonder if that's an effective approach??
Hugs to your husband. What a warm, supportive, aware thing to say.
Not much new here. I have been working a lot, and so no time to think or for breakthroughs. Emily is adjusting well. She is bonding. When I opened the bathroom door this morning, after bathing, she was calmly sitting outside waiting for me.
This is the beginning of another long day. I hope I will have time this evening to check in and maybe even be inspired or inspirational. Or maybe I'll just be tired!
As we work to create light for others, we naturally light our own way. - Mary Anne Radmacher
Looking at this quote again, and realizing it works the other way too -
As we work to create Light for ourselves, we naturally Light the way for others.
On to my Saturday! A dirty kitchen awaits!
Love you, Clare
Hugs to your husband. What a warm, supportive, aware thing to say.
Not much new here. I have been working a lot, and so no time to think or for breakthroughs. Emily is adjusting well. She is bonding. When I opened the bathroom door this morning, after bathing, she was calmly sitting outside waiting for me.
This is the beginning of another long day. I hope I will have time this evening to check in and maybe even be inspired or inspirational. Or maybe I'll just be tired!
As we work to create light for others, we naturally light our own way. - Mary Anne Radmacher
Looking at this quote again, and realizing it works the other way too -
As we work to create Light for ourselves, we naturally Light the way for others.
On to my Saturday! A dirty kitchen awaits!
Love you, Clare
Friday, October 25, 2013
Clarification
I want to speak to the point of integration that you wrote about.
When I am in my body...
like during sex...
I am no longer in my mind.
I have to relinquish the control that my mind fiercely holds on to...
once I can get my mind to release it's grip then I can move into my body...
but I am not integrated...
I am simply using another piece of myself while putting another on hold.
I don't think I have ever had a conversation during sex...
I can't think and respond physically...does that make sense?
It is really a surprising insight for me...to realize that I am that fragmented and controlled by my mind.
Wow...what a mess I am.
Oh well the re-integration process has begun and soon this will be a memory...
a lesson that I can speak from in the future.
The other morning husband said something very comforting...
"It's a good thing that you haven't found a job yet. You need to spend time doing this work."
I realized how important this reintegration is to my life, and how blessed I am to have the time and energy to move into the process.
I love you,
Maggie
When I am in my body...
like during sex...
I am no longer in my mind.
I have to relinquish the control that my mind fiercely holds on to...
once I can get my mind to release it's grip then I can move into my body...
but I am not integrated...
I am simply using another piece of myself while putting another on hold.
I don't think I have ever had a conversation during sex...
I can't think and respond physically...does that make sense?
It is really a surprising insight for me...to realize that I am that fragmented and controlled by my mind.
Wow...what a mess I am.
Oh well the re-integration process has begun and soon this will be a memory...
a lesson that I can speak from in the future.
The other morning husband said something very comforting...
"It's a good thing that you haven't found a job yet. You need to spend time doing this work."
I realized how important this reintegration is to my life, and how blessed I am to have the time and energy to move into the process.
I love you,
Maggie
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Quick note...
Congratulations on passing the licensing exam. I never had a doubt that you would pass a test! So let's just see what happens next - which doors begin to swing open.
I'm glad I made the trust list. I feel much the same - like no one knows all of me, that I keep parts of myself secret, mostly for fear of rejection. I am accepting more of myself, though, which makes it easier to trust. I think...
I think being pregnant was the time when I was most physical, most integrated. Maybe that's why I liked being pregnant. And breastfeeding...During sex, only sometimes. But i was probably sexual activity that forced us out of ourselves, making it hard to be integrated for ever after...that's sad. Making it hard to be integrated until we face it and feel...Better, maybe.
I publicly say rape...I have publicly said it, but I say it from a distance. I don't feel it, don;t identify with the victim, with the self. I noticed the same reaction when I watched the video about Wabi-Sabi. I listened to her story, and cried...but I didn't quite associate it with the woman on the screen. It was like a fairy tale - a bad one. I never quite considered this before...I will have to think.
Deaths don't always come in threes, but they do often enough that I also wait for the third. I'll wait with you...
It's late...Love from Clare
I'm glad I made the trust list. I feel much the same - like no one knows all of me, that I keep parts of myself secret, mostly for fear of rejection. I am accepting more of myself, though, which makes it easier to trust. I think...
I think being pregnant was the time when I was most physical, most integrated. Maybe that's why I liked being pregnant. And breastfeeding...During sex, only sometimes. But i was probably sexual activity that forced us out of ourselves, making it hard to be integrated for ever after...that's sad. Making it hard to be integrated until we face it and feel...Better, maybe.
I publicly say rape...I have publicly said it, but I say it from a distance. I don't feel it, don;t identify with the victim, with the self. I noticed the same reaction when I watched the video about Wabi-Sabi. I listened to her story, and cried...but I didn't quite associate it with the woman on the screen. It was like a fairy tale - a bad one. I never quite considered this before...I will have to think.
Deaths don't always come in threes, but they do often enough that I also wait for the third. I'll wait with you...
It's late...Love from Clare
Avoiding the dirty details
I just passed my licensing exam! I am not sure what a difference it will make to be a licensed social worker...but I will be one as soon as the grades are processed.
As for your questions...I am not sure that I have ever trusted anyone...which makes me wonder what happened very early on in my life. Trust/mistrust are normally established within the first year.
After this past year and a half's work, I do want to say that I am developing trust with you, husband and my wise friend.
I also think that I can move between my head and body...but I am not sure that I integrate them. I know it is necessary, but up until now I have not seen the purpose of doing so. I think that I reluctantly left my head when I was having sex...which is probably the only time that I experience my body. Even when I have incredible cramps with my period I can busy my mind and ignore them.
Oh, maybe I live in my body when I am really sick...
well, the bottom line is that is extra-ordinary for me.
As for telling my story...
I remember the events that led up to abuse but my memories are so fragmented about the actual molestation that I don't share details.
I don't fully trust my own recollections- isn't that typical for an alcoholic's daughter?
I speak of violence, abuse and dysfunction...
but have not been able to publicly say rape, incest, molestation.
I conveniently (and self protectingly) avoid the dirty details.
So, I do distance myself from the story, which makes it neat and easier for me to tell it...
losing it's swampiness.
One of these days though I am going to tell my story, with great courage...
from my heart...
and be free of the secrets and shame. I am working towards that moment.
Just listened to a message on my machine from a Friend/friend. His wife died yesterday. I spent some time with her and really enjoyed her company. She's been ill for quite some time, but deteriorated over the past month. This man spoke at Meeting several weeks ago of his pain and suffering with letting her go. He is the one who inspired me to speak of vulnerability and share my frustrations.
I met with my wise friend yesterday, she noticed a difference and asked what was different,
so I told her my experiences of the past several weeks.
She shared many pieces of wisdom with me.
She told me that she feels as if her time is coming to an end...
and I could feel the truth in her words.
I began to cry and hugged her longer and harder than I have ever hugged anyone.
I know that deaths come in threes...I can only hold her in the Light.
All for now,
Maggie
As for your questions...I am not sure that I have ever trusted anyone...which makes me wonder what happened very early on in my life. Trust/mistrust are normally established within the first year.
After this past year and a half's work, I do want to say that I am developing trust with you, husband and my wise friend.
I also think that I can move between my head and body...but I am not sure that I integrate them. I know it is necessary, but up until now I have not seen the purpose of doing so. I think that I reluctantly left my head when I was having sex...which is probably the only time that I experience my body. Even when I have incredible cramps with my period I can busy my mind and ignore them.
Oh, maybe I live in my body when I am really sick...
well, the bottom line is that is extra-ordinary for me.
As for telling my story...
I remember the events that led up to abuse but my memories are so fragmented about the actual molestation that I don't share details.
I don't fully trust my own recollections- isn't that typical for an alcoholic's daughter?
I speak of violence, abuse and dysfunction...
but have not been able to publicly say rape, incest, molestation.
I conveniently (and self protectingly) avoid the dirty details.
So, I do distance myself from the story, which makes it neat and easier for me to tell it...
losing it's swampiness.
One of these days though I am going to tell my story, with great courage...
from my heart...
and be free of the secrets and shame. I am working towards that moment.
Just listened to a message on my machine from a Friend/friend. His wife died yesterday. I spent some time with her and really enjoyed her company. She's been ill for quite some time, but deteriorated over the past month. This man spoke at Meeting several weeks ago of his pain and suffering with letting her go. He is the one who inspired me to speak of vulnerability and share my frustrations.
I met with my wise friend yesterday, she noticed a difference and asked what was different,
so I told her my experiences of the past several weeks.
She shared many pieces of wisdom with me.
She told me that she feels as if her time is coming to an end...
and I could feel the truth in her words.
I began to cry and hugged her longer and harder than I have ever hugged anyone.
I know that deaths come in threes...I can only hold her in the Light.
All for now,
Maggie
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Oooh, the questions...
Yay, my sister's crying! You are finally brave enough to cry. Warning - once I started crying, I cried a lot. It is disconcerting after years of keeping it all inside and locked away. But it feels so good. It's so cleansing. And there are so many things that are worth our tears.
So, how long has it been since you have trusted anyone? As your big sister, who comes from the same family chaos as you, I might reword the questions, and ask: Have you ever trusted anyone?
Have you ever felt your head and body were connected?
I know you have been telling your story. I just thought of another question though. Sometimes when I am telling my story, it seems I am sharing a story about someone else. Do you feel the same way? Sort of disconnected from it? Every once in a while, though, it becomes real. It becomes my story. Maybe those are the moments of spiritual wholeness.
Your experience just triggered another memory. As part of the twelve steps, I had to face what had happened to me, how I had been hurt, then apologize to people I had hurt. It was so much easier to grieve for those I had hurt. I guess I'm still out of balance.
Find the knowledge and wisdom beneath what happened today, but please glory in the emotion. That's a whole language we good little soldiers never learned. We'll need lots of practice if we would like to become even intermediate speakers. Fluency seems like a far-reaching dream.
Never wanting to kill our own perpetrator has to do with our own sense of self-worth, maybe. I look at this young woman I just told you about, and she is so gloriously beautiful and bright. How could anyone ever hurt her? I don't understand. I don't see the same in me. I know it's not true, but part of me feels like - just a girl, a second class citizen, someone with less value than others.
There is a story about a young teen being raped and dumped on her doorstep by a football jock, another story about a young girl abandoned in Greece in the current news. I feel like our cultural misogyny is in my face. I can't not see it. Except for some of the indigenous cultures, I think it has permeated the whole planet, including our attitudes towards our Mother Earth.
Sort of sadly, Kind of pensively,
With everlasting love,
Clare
So, how long has it been since you have trusted anyone? As your big sister, who comes from the same family chaos as you, I might reword the questions, and ask: Have you ever trusted anyone?
Have you ever felt your head and body were connected?
I know you have been telling your story. I just thought of another question though. Sometimes when I am telling my story, it seems I am sharing a story about someone else. Do you feel the same way? Sort of disconnected from it? Every once in a while, though, it becomes real. It becomes my story. Maybe those are the moments of spiritual wholeness.
Your experience just triggered another memory. As part of the twelve steps, I had to face what had happened to me, how I had been hurt, then apologize to people I had hurt. It was so much easier to grieve for those I had hurt. I guess I'm still out of balance.
Find the knowledge and wisdom beneath what happened today, but please glory in the emotion. That's a whole language we good little soldiers never learned. We'll need lots of practice if we would like to become even intermediate speakers. Fluency seems like a far-reaching dream.
Never wanting to kill our own perpetrator has to do with our own sense of self-worth, maybe. I look at this young woman I just told you about, and she is so gloriously beautiful and bright. How could anyone ever hurt her? I don't understand. I don't see the same in me. I know it's not true, but part of me feels like - just a girl, a second class citizen, someone with less value than others.
There is a story about a young teen being raped and dumped on her doorstep by a football jock, another story about a young girl abandoned in Greece in the current news. I feel like our cultural misogyny is in my face. I can't not see it. Except for some of the indigenous cultures, I think it has permeated the whole planet, including our attitudes towards our Mother Earth.
Sort of sadly, Kind of pensively,
With everlasting love,
Clare
Second Session
We are lighting a path and our own along the journey. I think that I resonated with the Service poem because I birth ideas, begin to flesh them out and then leave them for the next idea. I want to focus and do significant work.
The song lyrics are beautiful. Thank you.
I had a second session with the energy healer. It was good. She is digging dark, negative energy out of my spaces where it's been hiding for years. She asks questions like; How long has it been since you trusted anyone? When was the last time you felt that your head and body were connected? Have you told your story to others?
We talked about many things today that deeply hurt me. And I actually found the tears to grieve for myself and for others in my life. I am crying again.
She was working at my heart chakra and I suddenly felt a strong wave of sadness and heaviness. It seemed unexpected, but in reality it is what I am going there for...to release all of that sadness, fear and grief.
She worked at my hips...the area that controls self-judgement and punishment...for quite a while.
She rested at my head in silence for what seemed an eternity.
After she was finished she shared her images from this period. She started describing 3 layers of material tacked together at various spots. The interesting thing is that while she was resting there I imagined a quilt with mind/body and spirit separated, but tacked together as she described. I told her about my song, The Quilt and I sang it for her. We both cried. She told me to keep singing, free my throat.
It was deeply emotional, I still have to find the knowledge and wisdom from what was opened. I am experiencing waves of emotion as I sit here. It is good to feel something.
I love you,
Maggie
The song lyrics are beautiful. Thank you.
I had a second session with the energy healer. It was good. She is digging dark, negative energy out of my spaces where it's been hiding for years. She asks questions like; How long has it been since you trusted anyone? When was the last time you felt that your head and body were connected? Have you told your story to others?
We talked about many things today that deeply hurt me. And I actually found the tears to grieve for myself and for others in my life. I am crying again.
She was working at my heart chakra and I suddenly felt a strong wave of sadness and heaviness. It seemed unexpected, but in reality it is what I am going there for...to release all of that sadness, fear and grief.
She worked at my hips...the area that controls self-judgement and punishment...for quite a while.
She rested at my head in silence for what seemed an eternity.
After she was finished she shared her images from this period. She started describing 3 layers of material tacked together at various spots. The interesting thing is that while she was resting there I imagined a quilt with mind/body and spirit separated, but tacked together as she described. I told her about my song, The Quilt and I sang it for her. We both cried. She told me to keep singing, free my throat.
It was deeply emotional, I still have to find the knowledge and wisdom from what was opened. I am experiencing waves of emotion as I sit here. It is good to feel something.
I love you,
Maggie
Monday, October 21, 2013
Sisters of Mercy
We were so brutal to each other. I wonder why siblings do that to each other. I remember we once had S#5 convinced that she was adopted. She was in tears. I mean, who would adopt a ninth child that looks exactly like the other eight?? And of course, she asked Mom, and of course we told her that Mom would lie...You looked just like the rest of us, you simply had dark hair like Grammy. As the rest of us ripened and lost our baby blond - you blended, we all blended. But we focused on the difference to hurt each other.
As my young friend got older, she began to distance herself from her mother. Once she had children, she called her mom on everything and insisted they go to counseling together. The mom refuses to see that she has done anything wrong. She can rationalize everything.
People who don't fit in forge new paths. Not being recognized by mainstream, or by poets, is a blessing. You are forging something they can't understand. Your grandchildren or maybe your great-grandchildren will get it!
I found a quote that's been on my mind all day:
As we work to create light for others, we naturally light our own way. - Mary Anne Radmacher
I wondered if it kind of described what we were doing. Which reminded me of when a close friend and I were doing some anti-militarism activism, a local radio personality dedicated a song to us: Sisters of Mercy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZJ7cQfNzbo
And the lyrics:
Sisters of Mercy
-Leonard Cohen
As my young friend got older, she began to distance herself from her mother. Once she had children, she called her mom on everything and insisted they go to counseling together. The mom refuses to see that she has done anything wrong. She can rationalize everything.
People who don't fit in forge new paths. Not being recognized by mainstream, or by poets, is a blessing. You are forging something they can't understand. Your grandchildren or maybe your great-grandchildren will get it!
I found a quote that's been on my mind all day:
As we work to create light for others, we naturally light our own way. - Mary Anne Radmacher
I wondered if it kind of described what we were doing. Which reminded me of when a close friend and I were doing some anti-militarism activism, a local radio personality dedicated a song to us: Sisters of Mercy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZJ7cQfNzbo
And the lyrics:
Sisters of Mercy
-Leonard Cohen
O the sisters of mercy they are not
Departed or gone,
They were waiting for me when I thought
That I just can't go on,
And they brought me their comfort
And later they brought me this song.
O I hope you run into them
You who've been traveling so long.
Yes, you who must leave everything
That you cannot control;
It begins with your family,
But soon it comes round to your soul.
Well, I've been where you're hanging
I think I can see how you're pinned.
When you're not feeling holy,
Your loneliness says that you've sinned.
Well they lay down beside me
I made my confession to them.
They touched both my eyes
And I touched the dew on their hem.
If your life is a leaf
That theseasons tear off and condemn
They will bind you with love
That is graceful and green as a stem.
When I left they were sleeping,
I hope you run into them soon.
Don't turn on the light
You can read theiraddress by the moon;
And you won't make me jealous
If I hear that they sweeten your night
We weren't lovers like that
And besides it would still be all right
We weren't lovers like that
And besides it would still be all right.
Departed or gone,
They were waiting for me when I thought
That I just can't go on,
And they brought me their comfort
And later they brought me this song.
O I hope you run into them
You who've been traveling so long.
Yes, you who must leave everything
That you cannot control;
It begins with your family,
But soon it comes round to your soul.
Well, I've been where you're hanging
I think I can see how you're pinned.
When you're not feeling holy,
Your loneliness says that you've sinned.
Well they lay down beside me
I made my confession to them.
They touched both my eyes
And I touched the dew on their hem.
If your life is a leaf
That the
They will bind you with love
That is graceful and green as a stem.
When I left they were sleeping,
I hope you run into them soon.
Don't turn on the light
You can read their
And you won't make me jealous
If I hear that they sweeten your night
We weren't lovers like that
And besides it would still be all right
We weren't lovers like that
And besides it would still be all right.
Tonight, I am dedicating it to us. It is our journey, it seems. And if poet Robert Service wouldn't understand, well, I think Leonard Cohen would!
Very late dinner - roasted roots and salad...I'll see you tomorrow. I love you very much!
Clare
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Misfits
Clare,
I know that feeling...wanting to kill even though it is against everything that you stand for. It is an uncomfortable and confusing emotion...but it is real and necessary. I think that you and I are so protective of other victims/survivors because we know the pain of abuse and because we are mothers who really value nurturing. I wonder where we learned that from, our mother was so busy ensuring our survival that she forgot to nurture us...as you have said we are feral children.
The young woman is lucky to have you in her life...
be that one person who unconditionally loves her and she will find her way.
Perhaps you can bridge the gap for them and the mother can find it in herself to acknowledge the abuse and apologize to her daughter. That connection could make a huge difference in both of their lives. As for being adopted by the wrong family- Estes in Women Who Run With Wolves talks about the misplaced zygote...being placed in the wrong family. That's how I've felt as long as I can remember. I never looked like the rest of you. I felt different than the rest of you. I believed it when I was teased that I must have been adopted.
I have told the story of my patient, years ago, who had multiple personality disorder and who called me pleading with me to save her. She had gone home for the weekend and was being abused at home.
I had a reaction very much like yours...
the trigger of her pain made me so engulfed in anger that I wanted to kill those responsible.
I find it disturbing though that I have never felt that same anger towards my own perpetrators...
am I afraid of the consequences?
I am probably afraid of my own anger.
I hope that working with this healer will allow me to access my feelings in a nonthreatening way.
I am also amazed by young women who were abused who suffered through it to protect a younger sibling. I have heard that story many times over. What gives them the strength to surrender to it in hopes that they will spare another life misery? I still struggle with the fact that S#3 was also abused and that I did not protect her.
As for the discomfort that you feel for needing financial assistance...that was an early lesson taught in our house. None of us were ever supposed to need anything. We were raised to be ruggedly independent and now we are cursed with that ethic. We weren't allowed to be anything but a good and quiet soldier...never drawing attention to themselves.
Did you see The Butler? It was a movie out this past summer.
The main character was a lifelong house servant...
eventually working for many presidents of the US...
his first and best lesson learned was "when you are in a room it should feel empty".
He wasn't allowed to be present...
he was furniture, an object that served and responded only when directly spoken to.
That's how I could describe my self-image as a child and young adult.
Today at Meeting I felt as if a poem that was read described my life...
at least the historical path of my life.
The Men That Don't Fit In- Robert Service
There's a race of men that don't fit in,
A race that can't stay still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin,
And they roam the world at will.
They range the field and they rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain's crest;
Theirs is the curse of gypsy blood,
And they don't know how to rest.
If they just went straight they might go far:
They are strong and brave and true;
But they're always tired of things that are,
And they want the strange and new.
They could say: "Could I find my proper groove,
What a deep mark I would make!"
So they chop and change, and each fresh move
Is only a fresh mistake.
And each forgets, as he strips and runs
With a brilliant, fitful pace,
It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones
Who win the lifelong race.
And each forgets that his youth has fled,
Forgets his prime is past,
Till he stands one day, with hope that's dead,
In the glare of truth at last.
He has failed; he has missed his chance;
He has just done things by half.
Life's been a jolly good joke on him,
And now it's time to laugh.
Ha, Ha! He is one of the legions lost;
He was never meant to win;
He's a rolling stone, and it's bred in bone;
He's a man who won't fit it.
I am not sure how I feel about this poem...
I do know that it has me thinking...
and feeling uneasy. It has me thinking about my future.
There's got to be a take home message in her somewhere.
I hope that you have a blessed First Day.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I know that feeling...wanting to kill even though it is against everything that you stand for. It is an uncomfortable and confusing emotion...but it is real and necessary. I think that you and I are so protective of other victims/survivors because we know the pain of abuse and because we are mothers who really value nurturing. I wonder where we learned that from, our mother was so busy ensuring our survival that she forgot to nurture us...as you have said we are feral children.
The young woman is lucky to have you in her life...
be that one person who unconditionally loves her and she will find her way.
Perhaps you can bridge the gap for them and the mother can find it in herself to acknowledge the abuse and apologize to her daughter. That connection could make a huge difference in both of their lives. As for being adopted by the wrong family- Estes in Women Who Run With Wolves talks about the misplaced zygote...being placed in the wrong family. That's how I've felt as long as I can remember. I never looked like the rest of you. I felt different than the rest of you. I believed it when I was teased that I must have been adopted.
I have told the story of my patient, years ago, who had multiple personality disorder and who called me pleading with me to save her. She had gone home for the weekend and was being abused at home.
I had a reaction very much like yours...
the trigger of her pain made me so engulfed in anger that I wanted to kill those responsible.
I find it disturbing though that I have never felt that same anger towards my own perpetrators...
am I afraid of the consequences?
I am probably afraid of my own anger.
I hope that working with this healer will allow me to access my feelings in a nonthreatening way.
I am also amazed by young women who were abused who suffered through it to protect a younger sibling. I have heard that story many times over. What gives them the strength to surrender to it in hopes that they will spare another life misery? I still struggle with the fact that S#3 was also abused and that I did not protect her.
As for the discomfort that you feel for needing financial assistance...that was an early lesson taught in our house. None of us were ever supposed to need anything. We were raised to be ruggedly independent and now we are cursed with that ethic. We weren't allowed to be anything but a good and quiet soldier...never drawing attention to themselves.
Did you see The Butler? It was a movie out this past summer.
The main character was a lifelong house servant...
eventually working for many presidents of the US...
his first and best lesson learned was "when you are in a room it should feel empty".
He wasn't allowed to be present...
he was furniture, an object that served and responded only when directly spoken to.
That's how I could describe my self-image as a child and young adult.
Today at Meeting I felt as if a poem that was read described my life...
at least the historical path of my life.
The Men That Don't Fit In- Robert Service
There's a race of men that don't fit in,
A race that can't stay still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin,
And they roam the world at will.
They range the field and they rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain's crest;
Theirs is the curse of gypsy blood,
And they don't know how to rest.
If they just went straight they might go far:
They are strong and brave and true;
But they're always tired of things that are,
And they want the strange and new.
They could say: "Could I find my proper groove,
What a deep mark I would make!"
So they chop and change, and each fresh move
Is only a fresh mistake.
And each forgets, as he strips and runs
With a brilliant, fitful pace,
It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones
Who win the lifelong race.
And each forgets that his youth has fled,
Forgets his prime is past,
Till he stands one day, with hope that's dead,
In the glare of truth at last.
He has failed; he has missed his chance;
He has just done things by half.
Life's been a jolly good joke on him,
And now it's time to laugh.
Ha, Ha! He is one of the legions lost;
He was never meant to win;
He's a rolling stone, and it's bred in bone;
He's a man who won't fit it.
I am not sure how I feel about this poem...
I do know that it has me thinking...
and feeling uneasy. It has me thinking about my future.
There's got to be a take home message in her somewhere.
I hope that you have a blessed First Day.
Love and Light,
Maggie
About last night
I woke up angry all over again. I have a young friend, she's one of my youngest's sister-friends. She was adopted from a different country, as was her older brother. She was adopted as a newborn, her brother was older. The parents got pregnant during the adoption process, and suddenly had two daughters the same year. The brother had some problems, and he began abusing the older sister. Rape was the culmination.
She talked to me about it once, and I thought the parents did not know. Last night I found out that the mom knew when it was happening, she knew. I am a Quaker. I was in a Quaker meetinghouse. But for a brief, powerful surge of emotion - I wanted to kill. The humane part of me stepped in and wondered what had happened to this woman to so completely destroy her humanity. But I still wanted to get in her face and throttle her. So much was going in on my brain. I thought of you when you became aware that I knew you were in the woods with B#3, and that your sense of betrayal and shock was probably like mine last night. During the discussion - it involved my youngest and an ex-girlfriend and good friend of the father's (who still does not know) they explained that part of what was happening was that the older was getting in the way to protect the younger. Reminded me of your words...
This young woman told me, a few times, that she was adopted by the wrong family. She wanted to be my daughter. I was flattered that she loved me, and she did live with us for a time...but now I understand on a deeper level. She did not have a mother...
I had a dream last night. You and S#3 were testifying about some kind of investment fraud, including millions of people. It had something to do with open spaces versus closed rooms in houses. B#1 and B#4 were also involved. I remember thinking that sometimes it's good not to have money. Now, I know this is all on a completely different level - but I don;t know where...
I love you,
Clare
She talked to me about it once, and I thought the parents did not know. Last night I found out that the mom knew when it was happening, she knew. I am a Quaker. I was in a Quaker meetinghouse. But for a brief, powerful surge of emotion - I wanted to kill. The humane part of me stepped in and wondered what had happened to this woman to so completely destroy her humanity. But I still wanted to get in her face and throttle her. So much was going in on my brain. I thought of you when you became aware that I knew you were in the woods with B#3, and that your sense of betrayal and shock was probably like mine last night. During the discussion - it involved my youngest and an ex-girlfriend and good friend of the father's (who still does not know) they explained that part of what was happening was that the older was getting in the way to protect the younger. Reminded me of your words...
This young woman told me, a few times, that she was adopted by the wrong family. She wanted to be my daughter. I was flattered that she loved me, and she did live with us for a time...but now I understand on a deeper level. She did not have a mother...
I had a dream last night. You and S#3 were testifying about some kind of investment fraud, including millions of people. It had something to do with open spaces versus closed rooms in houses. B#1 and B#4 were also involved. I remember thinking that sometimes it's good not to have money. Now, I know this is all on a completely different level - but I don;t know where...
I love you,
Clare
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Dancing
Hi Maggie.
Long, long day for me. I made bread at meetinghouse for a bake sale, then stayed for a contradance. I think I danced every dance. The secret, possible to all of life is to be available, willing - and expectant. Someone will dance with you!
My youngest was supposed to have the day off, but due to some over-scheduling at work, she had to go in for a few hours. That changed my day. Instead of spending the afternoon making bread, I had to make dough in the morning, watch the baby, then bake later than I planned. Logically, I knew it would all work, time-wise, but emotionally, I was having a hard time with the changes. I was getting upset because I couldn't relax and just work on my own schedule. The the logical, calm part of me would redo the schedule, proving it was all okay. But it was interesting observing the war within and the tension and resentment it can build.
And in the end, everything worked out okay. And I stayed calm - I observed the drama maker self and acknowledged, then dismissed the drama.
Because I was at meetinghouse, I think I was thinking spiritually philosophical thoughts. I had the baby, and she is attached to me. I am her second favorite person, or maybe her favorite nonlactating person. She was a little tense, then distraught about being some place new without her mama. I started realizing that our first love affair is with our mom. And if we aren't secure and loved, we spend the rest of our lives either avoiding it or seeking it.
The other track my mind wandered down as I was walking through meetinghouse with a tiny being sleeping on my shoulder was money - again. Still trying to figure out my feelings, reactions to money. I get upset because I am one of the people who routinely has to ask for a scholarship to go to Friends gatherings. I just don't want to go anymore. Someone in my meeting said they needed help in a specific way, and I was helping...then compared that to me needing help with money. I have been trying to figure out why asking for financial help bothers me so much. I came to a new place today, but I don't know if I will be able to express it. I am going to try.
I was reading Howard Zinn's People's History of the United States. He shared the history from the view point of the blacks, the Indians and the poor whites who were friendly in the beginning. And so artificial competition had to be set up between them to make sure everyone was controllable. The very rich stayed very rich, the others got put into tiers - very aware of who they were better than. We use money to delineate the tiers. The American dream is to climb higher. Once we are a bit higher, we can choose whether or not to sprinkle a bit of money down on those who are not as favored by God. And those of us below are supposed to be grateful to be acknowledged...but everything we do only supports the extremely wealthy. We only see this difference between ourselves, but can't see the strings being pulled from above...Not doing a good job, here. I'll keep trying.
I am so very exhausted. I think I will close until tomorrow.
I love you,
Clare
Long, long day for me. I made bread at meetinghouse for a bake sale, then stayed for a contradance. I think I danced every dance. The secret, possible to all of life is to be available, willing - and expectant. Someone will dance with you!
My youngest was supposed to have the day off, but due to some over-scheduling at work, she had to go in for a few hours. That changed my day. Instead of spending the afternoon making bread, I had to make dough in the morning, watch the baby, then bake later than I planned. Logically, I knew it would all work, time-wise, but emotionally, I was having a hard time with the changes. I was getting upset because I couldn't relax and just work on my own schedule. The the logical, calm part of me would redo the schedule, proving it was all okay. But it was interesting observing the war within and the tension and resentment it can build.
And in the end, everything worked out okay. And I stayed calm - I observed the drama maker self and acknowledged, then dismissed the drama.
Because I was at meetinghouse, I think I was thinking spiritually philosophical thoughts. I had the baby, and she is attached to me. I am her second favorite person, or maybe her favorite nonlactating person. She was a little tense, then distraught about being some place new without her mama. I started realizing that our first love affair is with our mom. And if we aren't secure and loved, we spend the rest of our lives either avoiding it or seeking it.
The other track my mind wandered down as I was walking through meetinghouse with a tiny being sleeping on my shoulder was money - again. Still trying to figure out my feelings, reactions to money. I get upset because I am one of the people who routinely has to ask for a scholarship to go to Friends gatherings. I just don't want to go anymore. Someone in my meeting said they needed help in a specific way, and I was helping...then compared that to me needing help with money. I have been trying to figure out why asking for financial help bothers me so much. I came to a new place today, but I don't know if I will be able to express it. I am going to try.
I was reading Howard Zinn's People's History of the United States. He shared the history from the view point of the blacks, the Indians and the poor whites who were friendly in the beginning. And so artificial competition had to be set up between them to make sure everyone was controllable. The very rich stayed very rich, the others got put into tiers - very aware of who they were better than. We use money to delineate the tiers. The American dream is to climb higher. Once we are a bit higher, we can choose whether or not to sprinkle a bit of money down on those who are not as favored by God. And those of us below are supposed to be grateful to be acknowledged...but everything we do only supports the extremely wealthy. We only see this difference between ourselves, but can't see the strings being pulled from above...Not doing a good job, here. I'll keep trying.
I am so very exhausted. I think I will close until tomorrow.
I love you,
Clare
Friday, October 18, 2013
Less distractions
I think that you processed that idea pretty well. It is good to go somewhere new every year...in the past year you and I have gone where no other Delanas have gone before...at least as far as we know. We have been making significant progress into the journey of healing. Perhaps you haven't been to a new geographical location, but you are stories above where you began on the spiral staircase last year....or is it stories below? I can never understand if we are moving above our present level or beneath it? Perhaps we are moving in both directions simultaneously.
Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
I think that I would go to the south of France. I would explore the areas of southern France, Provence. I have always wanted to go there, I am not even sure why. Daughter #2 and I fantasize about going and renting a flat for several months and just living day to day exploring and experiencing the area. I wonder if that will ever come to pass?
Today was an ordinary day...I have noticed that I am much less distracted now. I have less incessant voices running in my head now. I really hope that continues. I am just not used to quiet in my head...there's always a competition inside for my attention...what I should be doing versus what I want to be doing versus what I have to do..you know the drill.
Tomorrow I am grooming horses in the morning, doing yard work and studying. Sounds like a good day. I have to take my licensing exam this week, so it's time to "bone up" on the material.
I love you,
Until tomorrow...
Maggie
Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
I think that I would go to the south of France. I would explore the areas of southern France, Provence. I have always wanted to go there, I am not even sure why. Daughter #2 and I fantasize about going and renting a flat for several months and just living day to day exploring and experiencing the area. I wonder if that will ever come to pass?
Today was an ordinary day...I have noticed that I am much less distracted now. I have less incessant voices running in my head now. I really hope that continues. I am just not used to quiet in my head...there's always a competition inside for my attention...what I should be doing versus what I want to be doing versus what I have to do..you know the drill.
Tomorrow I am grooming horses in the morning, doing yard work and studying. Sounds like a good day. I have to take my licensing exam this week, so it's time to "bone up" on the material.
I love you,
Until tomorrow...
Maggie
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Somewhere new
I had an interesting moment today. I was talking to someone who said she has heard the advice that we should each go someplace we have never been before at least once a year. I felt tears starting.
I suddenly felt hollow and - I don't know - pathetic, sorry for myself.
And I wanted to go somewhere new to me.
I've been fantasizing about throwing the dogs in the car, and loading up my daughter and granddaughter, and driving to wherever looks interesting...then keep driving and exploring until we reach the kids on the west coast. Just for fun, my daughter and I made a list of all the states we have been in, and which ones we haven't. I think I need an escape.
When she said go somewhere new, I thought of Normandy or St. Petersburg, Tibet...Patagonia. So, I'm starting to cry as I write. I'm back to Shirley Valentine - I am sure I have quoted this character in the past..."Why do we dream such big dreams and live such little lives?"
I have trapped myself. For almost all of this life I have kept myself in this trap, and again, I don't know how to get out. Sorry, I'm whining again. And it's my riddle to solve.
Later I rethought - somewhere new. And sometimes when I am in the forest, I stumble upon a new place, a new tree, a new hill. I don't have to cross oceans and hear new languages to be somewhere new.
Then I thought of my soul's evolution, since this time we have been working together. And I am somewhere new.
I guess...if I think holistically...I am not trapped...unless I think I am...and dwell on it...and feel sorry for myself...
It is fun to see you making such progress all at one time. But I think that is how it works. We get everything organized, then blast through.
The horses have rescued you as much as you have rescued them. Don't forget to open your heart and say thank you.
Thank you,
Clare
Warts and all...
Welcome to the family Emily...warts and all. I am glad that she has a safe and loving place to live.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about my horses over the past few days. I rescue them and keep them not for what they can do for me, but because I can give them a safe, warm place to live and just be a horse. Some of the ladies at the barn wonder why I board horses that I only groom, why don't you ride them, or show them...because they've been shown, rodeoed, abused, starved...they are just companions now...loved for simply being a horse. I've read books that say that horses (and probably most animals) can detect emotional congruence in people...do your actions match your internal status? They are most comfortable if you show your emotion rather than trying to put on a brave face or repress emotions. I am probably most honest with myself when I am in the barn with them. And they accept us if we show them truth and patience.
Today was another day of running. Despite the lack of being still I feel more centered and less distracted. I had a massage on my upper back/shoulders today...I have one every 2 weeks because of chronic spasm...and the masseuse remarked that this is the best my back has been since she met me well over a year ago. I didn't tell her about the reiki because I wanted to see if she would notice a difference. I definitely have less pain. I feel as if I am really preparing for that swan dive...soon, very soon.
I have jury duty tomorrow. That should give me several hours of quiet time. Each time I have been called they let me sit for several hours and then send me home. They haven't ever interviewed me for consideration.
All for now.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I've spent a lot of time thinking about my horses over the past few days. I rescue them and keep them not for what they can do for me, but because I can give them a safe, warm place to live and just be a horse. Some of the ladies at the barn wonder why I board horses that I only groom, why don't you ride them, or show them...because they've been shown, rodeoed, abused, starved...they are just companions now...loved for simply being a horse. I've read books that say that horses (and probably most animals) can detect emotional congruence in people...do your actions match your internal status? They are most comfortable if you show your emotion rather than trying to put on a brave face or repress emotions. I am probably most honest with myself when I am in the barn with them. And they accept us if we show them truth and patience.
Today was another day of running. Despite the lack of being still I feel more centered and less distracted. I had a massage on my upper back/shoulders today...I have one every 2 weeks because of chronic spasm...and the masseuse remarked that this is the best my back has been since she met me well over a year ago. I didn't tell her about the reiki because I wanted to see if she would notice a difference. I definitely have less pain. I feel as if I am really preparing for that swan dive...soon, very soon.
I have jury duty tomorrow. That should give me several hours of quiet time. Each time I have been called they let me sit for several hours and then send me home. They haven't ever interviewed me for consideration.
All for now.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Swan dive
I know the mystical quality of singing. I have felt it a few times. Once I was in our small meetinghouse with three other women. For some reason we started singing the Dona Nobis Pacem as a round. It took us to a different place. It was so beautiful. Our voices fit together perfectly. And there have been times of singing just the right song at the right time. Sometimes I wished I lived in musical theater. I do often break into song at strange times. Once, it was a late summer evening, in a friends garden, a beautiful moon started rising. I stepped up on the bench and started singing Shine on Harvest Moon. The resident teenager looked at me like I was a loon. Her mom simply said, "You're not the only one with crazy friends."
Unfortunately, I forget to be that person...
It sounds like you can sing from both selves, but that one self sings more confidently than the other self...And I understand because sometimes I write, and sometimes spirit writes through me. I am shocked by what I see on the paper - I didn't know I knew some things!!
Your nausea is a message. It is uncomfortable to keep things inside, to protect yourself. There is relief in sharing. You want to feel good - you let it out! I'm so glad my brother-in-law had an open heart and open mind. He's providing a safe place. Once you trust that space, more will emerge and you'll feel even better.
I told the rescue people that Emily has a home. I decided to keep her. She was curled up on the chair next to my desk, and I told her. I asked her, really, if she wanted to be part of our family and live with us forever. She stood up, wagged her tail and touched her nose to my face. So she's home.
My first labor and delivery was so long, and I was in transition for hours. If I had been in a hospital I probably would have been a Failure to Progress Cesarean delivery. Instead, I was with people who were monitoring me, who knew I did not want to go to a hospital, and that I had the strength and endurance to get through this all. I think what finally happened is that I surrendered. I surrendered to the process, I surrendered to motherhood. Once I surrendered, the birthing just happened. And I took my first look at my daughter, put my hands on her for the first time, and the miracle occurred. And all of the struggle of the past hours disappeared.
That is what is happening to us now. We are poking around the idea of surrender, putting our toes in the water and getting ready for the swan dive of our lives...
I love you!
Clare
Unfortunately, I forget to be that person...
It sounds like you can sing from both selves, but that one self sings more confidently than the other self...And I understand because sometimes I write, and sometimes spirit writes through me. I am shocked by what I see on the paper - I didn't know I knew some things!!
Your nausea is a message. It is uncomfortable to keep things inside, to protect yourself. There is relief in sharing. You want to feel good - you let it out! I'm so glad my brother-in-law had an open heart and open mind. He's providing a safe place. Once you trust that space, more will emerge and you'll feel even better.
I told the rescue people that Emily has a home. I decided to keep her. She was curled up on the chair next to my desk, and I told her. I asked her, really, if she wanted to be part of our family and live with us forever. She stood up, wagged her tail and touched her nose to my face. So she's home.
My first labor and delivery was so long, and I was in transition for hours. If I had been in a hospital I probably would have been a Failure to Progress Cesarean delivery. Instead, I was with people who were monitoring me, who knew I did not want to go to a hospital, and that I had the strength and endurance to get through this all. I think what finally happened is that I surrendered. I surrendered to the process, I surrendered to motherhood. Once I surrendered, the birthing just happened. And I took my first look at my daughter, put my hands on her for the first time, and the miracle occurred. And all of the struggle of the past hours disappeared.
That is what is happening to us now. We are poking around the idea of surrender, putting our toes in the water and getting ready for the swan dive of our lives...
I love you!
Clare
Singing comes from a different place
I have had a day of constant running. I made 6 trips within the county today...I am tired of moving.
The question about singing...I almost asked her the same question when she was working in that area. There are times when I can go outside of myself and really sing...it's like channeling. There are also times when I try to over think a song and I can literally feel my throat close. On the day that I was meeting with the guitarist for As A Mother I drove to the studio and could feel my throat closing as I drove. By the time I arrived I could not sing...I had to help him play the track as best I could and then return a few weeks later to sing to those tracks. That has happened to me several other times...which becomes an issue when it's a live performance. I think that, when I am really singing, I am doing so from a very different place than simply my diaphragm, lungs and vocal chords. I have had mystical experiences while singing...and once was told by a woman who was listening quite intently that the Holy Spirit was working through my song. This will sound strange, but I step aside and let my voice just sing. Interestingly enough I am much better at other people's songs than my own originals. I believe that is because I am too connected to my own work.
I am feeling clearer today. I am tired, but energized. I really have felt much less distracted than usual. I don't think that I had trouble finding my words today- just not able to find the word that I want- which I do when I am overly busy.
I had an incredible nausea last evening, as I have for many nights recently. Last night's was even more intense than usual. I laid down around 10 and felt some relief, but not much. I started to tell husband about my experiences and as I did the nausea was relieved. In the past, and last night, I was afraid to tell him my "less than ordinary" experiences. I was certain he would disapprove of non-traditional methods. Well, last night I decided to speak my truth and tell the story. It was great. We talked for about an hour about the insights and things we'd read or we believe about this life and the after-life. It was one of the best discussions we have ever had. And by the end the nausea was gone.
The transition is happening. Daughter #2 was over an hour of transitional labor...I hope this is not as prolonged in the scope of life.
Love and Light,
Maggie
The question about singing...I almost asked her the same question when she was working in that area. There are times when I can go outside of myself and really sing...it's like channeling. There are also times when I try to over think a song and I can literally feel my throat close. On the day that I was meeting with the guitarist for As A Mother I drove to the studio and could feel my throat closing as I drove. By the time I arrived I could not sing...I had to help him play the track as best I could and then return a few weeks later to sing to those tracks. That has happened to me several other times...which becomes an issue when it's a live performance. I think that, when I am really singing, I am doing so from a very different place than simply my diaphragm, lungs and vocal chords. I have had mystical experiences while singing...and once was told by a woman who was listening quite intently that the Holy Spirit was working through my song. This will sound strange, but I step aside and let my voice just sing. Interestingly enough I am much better at other people's songs than my own originals. I believe that is because I am too connected to my own work.
I am feeling clearer today. I am tired, but energized. I really have felt much less distracted than usual. I don't think that I had trouble finding my words today- just not able to find the word that I want- which I do when I am overly busy.
I had an incredible nausea last evening, as I have for many nights recently. Last night's was even more intense than usual. I laid down around 10 and felt some relief, but not much. I started to tell husband about my experiences and as I did the nausea was relieved. In the past, and last night, I was afraid to tell him my "less than ordinary" experiences. I was certain he would disapprove of non-traditional methods. Well, last night I decided to speak my truth and tell the story. It was great. We talked for about an hour about the insights and things we'd read or we believe about this life and the after-life. It was one of the best discussions we have ever had. And by the end the nausea was gone.
The transition is happening. Daughter #2 was over an hour of transitional labor...I hope this is not as prolonged in the scope of life.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
It's still transition
I'm so glad you went today. It's been lonely being the only strange one in the family all these years!
I think what she sees with the two layers on you is similar to what I always felt - like I have been hovering over my body, controlling it from without, as opposed to being within, being part of myself.
I had a strange impromptu moment the other night. I was falling asleep, thinking about my health issues as I drifted off, and I suddenly addressed my body and said, "I love you." I shocked myself. I have never felt that for this body - ever. Even though I am grateful for my health and strength, I have never loved myself.
I think there are always many poetic ways to understand our processes. I thought of the birthing analogy, because you are in transition. When you give birth, and you hit that moment when you can't do any more, when it all seems too overwhelming - that's when you are almost done. That is the transition from enduring to pushing...and if your body remembers, once things are ready, you can NOT avoid pushing.
Wonder when I will have to push..
Is Dad threatening or protecting? Probably both. He is as complex and lost as we are. He has to have many different sides. I really stopped and thought when I read the word protecting...I never felt protected.
Your throat chakra is blocked and in pain...then how do you sing? Where does that come from? What part of you has learned to communicate through melody and lyric? Tell me your first thought before you analyze, please.
You have wood within...maybe you have dolls, too, stored away in your psyche, hiding from the Light.
Another crazy dream - I know they are dreams because they don't quite make sense although they are completely logical - while asleep. Adult children I didn't know I had are coming home. Apparently I have a tall son with golden curls who is older than my oldest. He came home last night. (I told my youngest and she pointed out that I am the mother - I know how many kids I have.) Then, back in the dream, I was all excited about someone's wedding. I wanted her to have a Christmas wedding with a lot of candles.
Not sure what I am working on now...
Keep going to the healer...you definitely found your next step!
I love you,
Clare
I think what she sees with the two layers on you is similar to what I always felt - like I have been hovering over my body, controlling it from without, as opposed to being within, being part of myself.
I had a strange impromptu moment the other night. I was falling asleep, thinking about my health issues as I drifted off, and I suddenly addressed my body and said, "I love you." I shocked myself. I have never felt that for this body - ever. Even though I am grateful for my health and strength, I have never loved myself.
I think there are always many poetic ways to understand our processes. I thought of the birthing analogy, because you are in transition. When you give birth, and you hit that moment when you can't do any more, when it all seems too overwhelming - that's when you are almost done. That is the transition from enduring to pushing...and if your body remembers, once things are ready, you can NOT avoid pushing.
Wonder when I will have to push..
Is Dad threatening or protecting? Probably both. He is as complex and lost as we are. He has to have many different sides. I really stopped and thought when I read the word protecting...I never felt protected.
Your throat chakra is blocked and in pain...then how do you sing? Where does that come from? What part of you has learned to communicate through melody and lyric? Tell me your first thought before you analyze, please.
You have wood within...maybe you have dolls, too, stored away in your psyche, hiding from the Light.
Another crazy dream - I know they are dreams because they don't quite make sense although they are completely logical - while asleep. Adult children I didn't know I had are coming home. Apparently I have a tall son with golden curls who is older than my oldest. He came home last night. (I told my youngest and she pointed out that I am the mother - I know how many kids I have.) Then, back in the dream, I was all excited about someone's wedding. I wanted her to have a Christmas wedding with a lot of candles.
Not sure what I am working on now...
Keep going to the healer...you definitely found your next step!
I love you,
Clare
The Headless Horseman
It's funny, I think I am going through the opposite of birthing somehow. I am finding a new life, but I am putting the pieces of myself back together, rather than delivering something new.
So, today I visited an energy healer, she uses Reiki and other energies to balance and heal. She warned me that this would not be a once and done session because that would throw my body/mind/spirit even further out of balance. She was a warm and comfortable person. I have blocks all along my energy centers, which is no surprise. What does surprise me is how the higher levels can function even if they are disconnected from the lower ones...I don't mean that they function at full capacity...but I am a pretty functional person despite being "the Headless Horseman"...that's the first image that came to my brain.
She told me that I am the first person that she's ever seen who has separate energy fields, one shadowing the other, for their head and body. It's a good explanation why I live inside my brain all of the time. I really only need the body for the functional aspects of my biology...the important stuff happens in my head. Unfortunately that leaves me rather devoid of emotions. Today I was wondering why I can cry for someone else's pain- like in a movie or TED talk- but can't cry at my own life. I can feel for someone else, but not for myself. That's a sad, but true, statement.
So my first 3 chakras were so blocked she was able to make little headway there. She was able to gain insight into my heart...that it is closed behind a series of doors that slammed shut and locked when she approached. After my work she was able to open the first door which was a dark room with only a chair inside visited by an angry man. She felt that the angry man was Dad. It is strange that he is hanging out in the outermost barrier. I wonder if he is there to hurt me or protect me from others who might hurt me?
She described glass and wood shards in my throat chakra...saying that glass has symbolized secrets in her past experiences...the wood is from inside of me she felt. No wonder my throat and neck feel so much pain.
It was a lot to take in...a lot is coursing through my brain now.
I will let you know if there are other insights...what do you think?
The dreams are interesting, especially since you are having so many close together. It will be interesting to see where they take you.
All for now,
Love and Light,
Maggie
So, today I visited an energy healer, she uses Reiki and other energies to balance and heal. She warned me that this would not be a once and done session because that would throw my body/mind/spirit even further out of balance. She was a warm and comfortable person. I have blocks all along my energy centers, which is no surprise. What does surprise me is how the higher levels can function even if they are disconnected from the lower ones...I don't mean that they function at full capacity...but I am a pretty functional person despite being "the Headless Horseman"...that's the first image that came to my brain.
She told me that I am the first person that she's ever seen who has separate energy fields, one shadowing the other, for their head and body. It's a good explanation why I live inside my brain all of the time. I really only need the body for the functional aspects of my biology...the important stuff happens in my head. Unfortunately that leaves me rather devoid of emotions. Today I was wondering why I can cry for someone else's pain- like in a movie or TED talk- but can't cry at my own life. I can feel for someone else, but not for myself. That's a sad, but true, statement.
So my first 3 chakras were so blocked she was able to make little headway there. She was able to gain insight into my heart...that it is closed behind a series of doors that slammed shut and locked when she approached. After my work she was able to open the first door which was a dark room with only a chair inside visited by an angry man. She felt that the angry man was Dad. It is strange that he is hanging out in the outermost barrier. I wonder if he is there to hurt me or protect me from others who might hurt me?
She described glass and wood shards in my throat chakra...saying that glass has symbolized secrets in her past experiences...the wood is from inside of me she felt. No wonder my throat and neck feel so much pain.
It was a lot to take in...a lot is coursing through my brain now.
I will let you know if there are other insights...what do you think?
The dreams are interesting, especially since you are having so many close together. It will be interesting to see where they take you.
All for now,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, October 14, 2013
Birthing
It's like being in labor. The only way through is to surrender to the process. You are birthing a healthier you from the wounded self that has been protecting you for all of these years. You have to sob and choke and feel it all. It's the only way to come back to life - let the emotions win. Open those chakras and let emotions flow freely.
Scary as hell, but you can do it.
And stepping forward and being vulnerable was a gift to your meeting.
It's happening...you are moving into transition! Of course, the secret we discover along the way is that we will rebirth ourselves many times, and the process will be different each time - just as our experiences of delivering our babies was different each time.
If you need a midwife, I'm here.
I had a crazy, crazy dream last night - I got up to work and everything had been changed, and I couldn't find my schedule and I was crying because I knew I was missing sessions. Then my kids and grandkids and a huge number of people in their generation came streaming into my house, dressed very nicely. I asked where they were going - to Milo's funeral. I don't know Milo - and in waking life, there is no Milo in our greater circle. But Milo died in a drinking driving accident. While they were here, a buffalo broke through the living room window. A friend said it was a cow, but I knew it was a buffalo. Everyone left. I started working by the window, I realized I was nude. Then I needed someone to drive my old car. A friend was driving, and the baby and I were sleeping in the backseat. The guy was pulled over for being drunk and having half a bag of weed. He said he had half of an aquarium.
So something wild is going on or being processed or something...And this week is an eclipse...weird things come to light during eclipses in my life.
Long day - love to you...
Clare
Scary as hell, but you can do it.
And stepping forward and being vulnerable was a gift to your meeting.
It's happening...you are moving into transition! Of course, the secret we discover along the way is that we will rebirth ourselves many times, and the process will be different each time - just as our experiences of delivering our babies was different each time.
If you need a midwife, I'm here.
I had a crazy, crazy dream last night - I got up to work and everything had been changed, and I couldn't find my schedule and I was crying because I knew I was missing sessions. Then my kids and grandkids and a huge number of people in their generation came streaming into my house, dressed very nicely. I asked where they were going - to Milo's funeral. I don't know Milo - and in waking life, there is no Milo in our greater circle. But Milo died in a drinking driving accident. While they were here, a buffalo broke through the living room window. A friend said it was a cow, but I knew it was a buffalo. Everyone left. I started working by the window, I realized I was nude. Then I needed someone to drive my old car. A friend was driving, and the baby and I were sleeping in the backseat. The guy was pulled over for being drunk and having half a bag of weed. He said he had half of an aquarium.
So something wild is going on or being processed or something...And this week is an eclipse...weird things come to light during eclipses in my life.
Long day - love to you...
Clare
A raging battle inside
Emily is a sweet and warm name. I am glad that she is fitting herself into your life. Is there any chance that she will return to her master? I wonder what lessons she will teach you.
I have been crying off and on throughout the days since mid-last week. I also feel an uncomfortable sense of being strangled most of the time. I feel the battle that my body and mind are waging inside of me. I am nauseated most of the time. My shoulder and neck are in spasm again. A part of me is trying desperately to submerge the emotions...and yet the emotions are fighting back this time. They want to be felt and acknowledged. But, this war-zone that is my body is damned uncomfortable right now. I even started my period early which is adding to my pain.
Somehow, being able to consciously recognize that this battle is raging is making it all less confusing and chaotic. I am more aware, therefore more affected, but less confused. I am calling the Reiki healer today when I am finished with this.
I spoke in Worship yesterday. A man, whose wife has suffered brain damage spoke of his needs. Another woman spoke of the meeting supporting each other at a deeper level. And then I had the overpowering sensation that I needed to speak. I said that it is right that we support each other. But to do that we each need to say what our need is. I told them that I am the "queen of the plastic faces" and that I smile despite heartbreaking circumstances. I related my growing frustration with clerking RE last year as a symptom to a deeper issue, being disowned by most of my family because of my disclosure. I pointed out that despite my frustrations in the meeting, no one could have known the cause because I didn't ask for help. I spoke of vulnerability...being seen...and courage...telling our stories from the depths of our hearts. And then I told them about Wabi-Sabi...the balance of perfection and imperfection in the beautiful...how important that aspect of imperfection is to the whole.
It felt great...but I immediately worried that I had exposed myself too much...some courage.
After meeting I had several people thank me for the message, another woman told me how the year before she asked for prayers for a situation and no one in the meeting really spoke with her about what was going on or how they could help. She said that she stopped reaching out because no one had responded. Why do we feel that our needs are less significant than others? Perhaps this will start a conversation.
The dolls are fascinating...perhaps they are aspects of yourself that were deemed unacceptable so you neatly put them away. Were you ever a biter? My second daughter bit when she was frustrated. The dancing/playful one may be the part of you who had to sit still and be quiet so that you wouldn't wake the babies...It's just a thought.
I have to take the dogs to the vet. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I have been crying off and on throughout the days since mid-last week. I also feel an uncomfortable sense of being strangled most of the time. I feel the battle that my body and mind are waging inside of me. I am nauseated most of the time. My shoulder and neck are in spasm again. A part of me is trying desperately to submerge the emotions...and yet the emotions are fighting back this time. They want to be felt and acknowledged. But, this war-zone that is my body is damned uncomfortable right now. I even started my period early which is adding to my pain.
Somehow, being able to consciously recognize that this battle is raging is making it all less confusing and chaotic. I am more aware, therefore more affected, but less confused. I am calling the Reiki healer today when I am finished with this.
I spoke in Worship yesterday. A man, whose wife has suffered brain damage spoke of his needs. Another woman spoke of the meeting supporting each other at a deeper level. And then I had the overpowering sensation that I needed to speak. I said that it is right that we support each other. But to do that we each need to say what our need is. I told them that I am the "queen of the plastic faces" and that I smile despite heartbreaking circumstances. I related my growing frustration with clerking RE last year as a symptom to a deeper issue, being disowned by most of my family because of my disclosure. I pointed out that despite my frustrations in the meeting, no one could have known the cause because I didn't ask for help. I spoke of vulnerability...being seen...and courage...telling our stories from the depths of our hearts. And then I told them about Wabi-Sabi...the balance of perfection and imperfection in the beautiful...how important that aspect of imperfection is to the whole.
It felt great...but I immediately worried that I had exposed myself too much...some courage.
After meeting I had several people thank me for the message, another woman told me how the year before she asked for prayers for a situation and no one in the meeting really spoke with her about what was going on or how they could help. She said that she stopped reaching out because no one had responded. Why do we feel that our needs are less significant than others? Perhaps this will start a conversation.
The dolls are fascinating...perhaps they are aspects of yourself that were deemed unacceptable so you neatly put them away. Were you ever a biter? My second daughter bit when she was frustrated. The dancing/playful one may be the part of you who had to sit still and be quiet so that you wouldn't wake the babies...It's just a thought.
I have to take the dogs to the vet. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Emily
The dog is Emily - definitely female. She is curled up in the chair next to me, patiently waiting to go to bed.
I had friends here for dinner. It was relaxing and fun. I was stressing a little because I watched my granddaughter today, and so I didn't have my kitchen clean. But I just sort of said, F*** it and blamed it on the baby-year. Nobody seemed to care as much as I do. Guess there's a lesson there - both in expectations and in choosing friends!
Your workshop sounded perfect, especially since it left you teary. Welcome to my world!! I love the way all of the pieces are coming together, and you are recognizing them and making sense of them. You are doing your work! You are finding your way. And obviously, people who listen to you hear your authentic voice. (Did you put contact info on the CD's? Oh, and - make cards!)
The first doll was in the box, and we let her out to go dancing and playing. Maybe she wasn't a doll, but she was inactivated - like a doll. The second doll is this week's discovery. I went to bed late last night and got up early this morning, and so I didn't dream, or at least I don't remember dreaming.
Not much new today...I guess I made one realization that changed me. My granddaughter was screaming at me. No matter what I tried to do to soothe or distract her, she screamed. I was starting to get angry, frustrated...then I stopped and took a deep breath and realized - she just wants her mother. She has a right to her mother. I let all of my anger channel out and spray all over our current culture and political system. Our system of separating moms and infants at 6 weeks old is simply barbaric. Yet, we need the income from my daughter's weekend job...and so the baby learns that it doesn't really matter how much she really, really needs her mama...Changing the focus of my anger allowed so much compassion for this poor screaming babe to flow through me. In that moment - everything changed.
Hope you have a sweet evening...Love you!
Clare
I had friends here for dinner. It was relaxing and fun. I was stressing a little because I watched my granddaughter today, and so I didn't have my kitchen clean. But I just sort of said, F*** it and blamed it on the baby-year. Nobody seemed to care as much as I do. Guess there's a lesson there - both in expectations and in choosing friends!
Your workshop sounded perfect, especially since it left you teary. Welcome to my world!! I love the way all of the pieces are coming together, and you are recognizing them and making sense of them. You are doing your work! You are finding your way. And obviously, people who listen to you hear your authentic voice. (Did you put contact info on the CD's? Oh, and - make cards!)
The first doll was in the box, and we let her out to go dancing and playing. Maybe she wasn't a doll, but she was inactivated - like a doll. The second doll is this week's discovery. I went to bed late last night and got up early this morning, and so I didn't dream, or at least I don't remember dreaming.
Not much new today...I guess I made one realization that changed me. My granddaughter was screaming at me. No matter what I tried to do to soothe or distract her, she screamed. I was starting to get angry, frustrated...then I stopped and took a deep breath and realized - she just wants her mother. She has a right to her mother. I let all of my anger channel out and spray all over our current culture and political system. Our system of separating moms and infants at 6 weeks old is simply barbaric. Yet, we need the income from my daughter's weekend job...and so the baby learns that it doesn't really matter how much she really, really needs her mama...Changing the focus of my anger allowed so much compassion for this poor screaming babe to flow through me. In that moment - everything changed.
Hope you have a sweet evening...Love you!
Clare
Images and memories
Clare,
I am glad that you are connecting with the dog....it needs you as much as you need it (sorry I am not sure if the dog is male or female).
I gave a talk today, Stress, Your Health and Strengthening Resilience...or something to that nature. It went really well. I was talking about connection and how important it is for healing and health and had the image of a baby nursing...not knowing it is separate from her mom...I asked them to remember a time when they held a baby against their chest...skin on skin even...how complete that felt. That's the connection we need with others. While I was describing it, I had a rush of sensation of holding one of my babies, nursing, and snuggling. It was such a wonderful sensation.
I also recalled a funny story about ruminating on past stresses...Many years ago I rear ended a car because I was still distracted by an argument I had several hours before. I shared some of the wisdom from the Brene Brown videos and I shared the concept of Wabi Sabi. It turned out to be an eclectic mixture of information and wisdom from many different sources. I talked about the need for prevention of all interpersonal violence. One woman asked me if I would present for other groups. I told her that it would be an honor because the message of violence prevention is so incredibly important and many people should hear it. I didn't have a card with contact information on it, so I hope that she can find me in the future.
I handed out my CD's today also. I felt it was appropriate for a women's day conference. I hope they enjoy it.
I have been tearing up on and off all day. It feels good.
So, have you picked up the second doll yet? I wonder what that one will do. It is all very fascinating.
I love you,
Maggie
I am glad that you are connecting with the dog....it needs you as much as you need it (sorry I am not sure if the dog is male or female).
I gave a talk today, Stress, Your Health and Strengthening Resilience...or something to that nature. It went really well. I was talking about connection and how important it is for healing and health and had the image of a baby nursing...not knowing it is separate from her mom...I asked them to remember a time when they held a baby against their chest...skin on skin even...how complete that felt. That's the connection we need with others. While I was describing it, I had a rush of sensation of holding one of my babies, nursing, and snuggling. It was such a wonderful sensation.
I also recalled a funny story about ruminating on past stresses...Many years ago I rear ended a car because I was still distracted by an argument I had several hours before. I shared some of the wisdom from the Brene Brown videos and I shared the concept of Wabi Sabi. It turned out to be an eclectic mixture of information and wisdom from many different sources. I talked about the need for prevention of all interpersonal violence. One woman asked me if I would present for other groups. I told her that it would be an honor because the message of violence prevention is so incredibly important and many people should hear it. I didn't have a card with contact information on it, so I hope that she can find me in the future.
I handed out my CD's today also. I felt it was appropriate for a women's day conference. I hope they enjoy it.
I have been tearing up on and off all day. It feels good.
So, have you picked up the second doll yet? I wonder what that one will do. It is all very fascinating.
I love you,
Maggie
Friday, October 11, 2013
Yeah, crying...
So I just watched the Wabi-Sabi talk, and I am still crying. I froze as she described her rape, and I was back there trying to remember - what did I see, how did I escape...my body was there, but my mind was not...then I began crying when she said she stuffed it all down, deep - no longer real - and she became aloof and distant. That's me. I am worth less than everybody else, but maybe if I stay quiet, you will all let me stay - not run me off into the woods to die alone..
I am flawed. But I can't believe my perfections match my imperfections. I don't see beauty. I only see mistakes and problems and room for improvement.
I will probably watch her again.
I am falling in love with this dog. There is something about knowing that she was tied and alone for three months, that she was afraid and alone and neglected, that pulls my heart. I want her to feel safe. I want to save her and let her know the world can be okay. And I wonder if this lesson is for me, too. If I convince her that there are good, safe places in the world, will I discover it too?
That you are wounded in and around the orange and red chakras makes sense. Childhood sexual abuse must destroy the red grounding chakra, then you don't have community as promised by the orange. You were betrayed by parents, siblings, extended family, neighbors...you were betrayed by your community - the community that has a commitment to protect children.
And breaking free - why would you want to do it alone? You need others. One of the strongest middle of the night messages I received is that we can't heal ourselves. I am a healer, but I should not try to heal myself....
I am so happy that you found the next step - this healing technique that will bring you forward. I want you to be healthy! I want to come with you!!!
When the doll bit me, it seemed vampirish. It hurt, but it didn't wound. I still have no idea what happened or why. I'm still waiting for understanding. But, I found another gunk-covered, frozen little me. Kind of yucky! And thought-provoking.
Making bagels in the middle of the night...Getting tired...
I love you, thank you!
Clare
I am flawed. But I can't believe my perfections match my imperfections. I don't see beauty. I only see mistakes and problems and room for improvement.
I will probably watch her again.
I am falling in love with this dog. There is something about knowing that she was tied and alone for three months, that she was afraid and alone and neglected, that pulls my heart. I want her to feel safe. I want to save her and let her know the world can be okay. And I wonder if this lesson is for me, too. If I convince her that there are good, safe places in the world, will I discover it too?
That you are wounded in and around the orange and red chakras makes sense. Childhood sexual abuse must destroy the red grounding chakra, then you don't have community as promised by the orange. You were betrayed by parents, siblings, extended family, neighbors...you were betrayed by your community - the community that has a commitment to protect children.
And breaking free - why would you want to do it alone? You need others. One of the strongest middle of the night messages I received is that we can't heal ourselves. I am a healer, but I should not try to heal myself....
I am so happy that you found the next step - this healing technique that will bring you forward. I want you to be healthy! I want to come with you!!!
When the doll bit me, it seemed vampirish. It hurt, but it didn't wound. I still have no idea what happened or why. I'm still waiting for understanding. But, I found another gunk-covered, frozen little me. Kind of yucky! And thought-provoking.
Making bagels in the middle of the night...Getting tired...
I love you, thank you!
Clare
Next step.
I just got back from my conference. What a day. I have to tell you about the experience that I had. One of the afternoon presentations was on Reiki, which I would have loved to hear, but had to man the registration table. But afterwards I asked how it was and people had mixed reactions. I was told that she was doing short treatments and was intrigued.
As I entered the room I could feel the energy. I sat in a chair about 4 rows back and could feel the energy. She was working on an older woman who was chronically bent to the right and when she finally finished the woman was upright. She next did a young woman and , even though I was not eavesdropping I could not take my eyes off of her. I was pulled into their energy and tears welled up in my eyes. I had such a tug-of-war going on inside my gut. After she was finished I asked if I could go next- I was already crying so, what the hell. I sat down and closed my eyes and slowed my breathing. I could feel her hands near my face and she asked me, "Are you always this organized?". I laughed and told her that it was a blessing and a curse, that it serves me well but blocks creativity. She asked if she could "clear away" the negative "thoughts from my brain and proceeded to move her hands which made me feel very light and dizzy...I felt my head expand. She asked how long I had had headaches and I answered more than 20 years. She agreed with that. Then I asked her to answer a question. "How do I unblock my throat chakra?" I asked her. I explained that I have chronic neck and should spasm and that I feel incredible tightness around my neck...constantly for the past month or so. She told me that my block was in my first and second chakra. She quietly said that she sees a traumatic childhood, difficult adolescence, never knowing where I belonged, and difficulty with trust. I told her that I am unable to feel, that I block everything that tries to move from my brain to my heart and she agreed. I asked her how to remove that dam...she told me that, "some things are just too difficult to do alone." Before I knew it I asked how I can find her. She gave me her card. I found my next step. I found the next teacher. I can move ahead. I sang most of the way home.
My impression of the doll dream is that biting you on your neck and limbs was not to hurt you, but to free you from the bonds that hold you back from dancing and playing. I think she wants to play and to come alive with you again. It is time to take hold of life and enjoy it. There has been enough frozen, painful time.
I hope that the Wabi Sabi video wasn't too overwhelming. I was not sure if her account of rape would be too much for you. I thought about deleting that post, but my first instinct was to share it, so I left it there.
I am giving a talk to a women's conference on trauma and resilience...I think I will wish Wabi-Sabi for all of them...as I do to you.
I love you,
Maggie
As I entered the room I could feel the energy. I sat in a chair about 4 rows back and could feel the energy. She was working on an older woman who was chronically bent to the right and when she finally finished the woman was upright. She next did a young woman and , even though I was not eavesdropping I could not take my eyes off of her. I was pulled into their energy and tears welled up in my eyes. I had such a tug-of-war going on inside my gut. After she was finished I asked if I could go next- I was already crying so, what the hell. I sat down and closed my eyes and slowed my breathing. I could feel her hands near my face and she asked me, "Are you always this organized?". I laughed and told her that it was a blessing and a curse, that it serves me well but blocks creativity. She asked if she could "clear away" the negative "thoughts from my brain and proceeded to move her hands which made me feel very light and dizzy...I felt my head expand. She asked how long I had had headaches and I answered more than 20 years. She agreed with that. Then I asked her to answer a question. "How do I unblock my throat chakra?" I asked her. I explained that I have chronic neck and should spasm and that I feel incredible tightness around my neck...constantly for the past month or so. She told me that my block was in my first and second chakra. She quietly said that she sees a traumatic childhood, difficult adolescence, never knowing where I belonged, and difficulty with trust. I told her that I am unable to feel, that I block everything that tries to move from my brain to my heart and she agreed. I asked her how to remove that dam...she told me that, "some things are just too difficult to do alone." Before I knew it I asked how I can find her. She gave me her card. I found my next step. I found the next teacher. I can move ahead. I sang most of the way home.
My impression of the doll dream is that biting you on your neck and limbs was not to hurt you, but to free you from the bonds that hold you back from dancing and playing. I think she wants to play and to come alive with you again. It is time to take hold of life and enjoy it. There has been enough frozen, painful time.
I hope that the Wabi Sabi video wasn't too overwhelming. I was not sure if her account of rape would be too much for you. I thought about deleting that post, but my first instinct was to share it, so I left it there.
I am giving a talk to a women's conference on trauma and resilience...I think I will wish Wabi-Sabi for all of them...as I do to you.
I love you,
Maggie
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Once bitten...
But, what if the swamp is what keeps us from having life experiences, or actually experiencing them? We are too busy trying to survive, keep our heads above the slime to really live...or maybe we are hiding in the slime, just barely keeping our heads above water, so we survive - but never thrive...never feel the sunshine...never see Europe.
I went to the swamp when I woke up in the middle of the night. The little girl was sitting in the mud, but the swamp was sort of drained. She was covered in mud. I went to pick her up and she was like a wooden soldier - like one of those Christmas decorations...a carved, decorated peg.
Just as a bit of insight, when we lived in the house next to the graveyard, I read a book of short horror stories. One was about dolls with teeth. It terrified me. A few years later, on a show called Night Gallery, there was another story about a doll with teeth. Again, it terrified me and haunted me...
So, I picked up the wooden little girl, and went to prop her on my shoulder, like I do with all babies and she leaned back, opened her mouth and I saw teeth. Part of me panicked and wanted to throw her as far as I could. But another, calm, reasonable, curious part of me, said, "Let her bite you." So I put her up to my right shoulder and she bit me - a big gaping bite, a real bite that hurt but really didn't leave a wound. So I let her bite my left shoulder, right where shoulder joins neck. I stopped being afraid. I let her bit my right hip, then left hip. I put her down...and have no idea what happened next.
So I don't know where I am, or who that was. Was it the swamp or something else? Was that me or something else?
I don't know. But I survived. And I'm not scared.
I tried to watch the Wabi sabi, but couldn't reason with my computer or you tube. I'll try again!
So things are changing. I am facing something.
I have been thinking a lot about my marriage, wondering how my ex felt about me and all of my problems. He was probably overwhelmed, unprepared to deal with someone with so much damage - especially since he was so damaged himself. I can understand better why he kept a distance. I am gaining perspective, a sense of balance I think. I am feeling - different, more loving and accepting, more a part of the fabric and less like a mistake.
I still wonder if I will ever let anyone close to me, but feeling more comfortable and at ease with either possibility - alone or coupled.
Are you having a fun week? I hope so.
I love you,
Clare
(Reread my post to proofread - ready to cry again...another night of it, I suppose...)
I went to the swamp when I woke up in the middle of the night. The little girl was sitting in the mud, but the swamp was sort of drained. She was covered in mud. I went to pick her up and she was like a wooden soldier - like one of those Christmas decorations...a carved, decorated peg.
Just as a bit of insight, when we lived in the house next to the graveyard, I read a book of short horror stories. One was about dolls with teeth. It terrified me. A few years later, on a show called Night Gallery, there was another story about a doll with teeth. Again, it terrified me and haunted me...
So, I picked up the wooden little girl, and went to prop her on my shoulder, like I do with all babies and she leaned back, opened her mouth and I saw teeth. Part of me panicked and wanted to throw her as far as I could. But another, calm, reasonable, curious part of me, said, "Let her bite you." So I put her up to my right shoulder and she bit me - a big gaping bite, a real bite that hurt but really didn't leave a wound. So I let her bite my left shoulder, right where shoulder joins neck. I stopped being afraid. I let her bit my right hip, then left hip. I put her down...and have no idea what happened next.
So I don't know where I am, or who that was. Was it the swamp or something else? Was that me or something else?
I don't know. But I survived. And I'm not scared.
I tried to watch the Wabi sabi, but couldn't reason with my computer or you tube. I'll try again!
So things are changing. I am facing something.
I have been thinking a lot about my marriage, wondering how my ex felt about me and all of my problems. He was probably overwhelmed, unprepared to deal with someone with so much damage - especially since he was so damaged himself. I can understand better why he kept a distance. I am gaining perspective, a sense of balance I think. I am feeling - different, more loving and accepting, more a part of the fabric and less like a mistake.
I still wonder if I will ever let anyone close to me, but feeling more comfortable and at ease with either possibility - alone or coupled.
Are you having a fun week? I hope so.
I love you,
Clare
(Reread my post to proofread - ready to cry again...another night of it, I suppose...)
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Diluting the garbage
I go to conference tomorrow.
I feel happy that you are craving healthy, life sustaining foods...you want to find health.
I think the image of diving in and pulling the plug is a good one...
but, what if we aren't supposed to wash all of our life experiences down the drain?
What if they are meant to be a part of our tapestry?
What if we pull a plug that is blocking the life-giving, fresh natural spring water from entering the swamp? That will be oxygen and nutrients to restore the balance of life. Then the water will no longer be stagnant. It will no longer be dead. It will eventually dilute the garbage and make it tolerable...perhaps we may even find a lesson buried in the muck once we can see through the water. Maybe the little girl has been that plug because she was afraid of living that brought unacceptable pain. Maybe the little girl was just trying to hold onto what little stability she knew, even if it meant accepting a dark swamp for a home.
I think that fear of the unknown is more paralyzing than anything else. If we can identify the threat it is possible to face it, to find the courage to conquer it. But when we hide -scared and helpless- life is unbearable. Learned helplessness is a terrible thing but it has been taught to children for generations ...you are too stupid to do this by yourself...why can't you do anything right?...all of those negative messages that we have heard over and over again. I was walking out from a football game and a toddler was trying to take off her sweater, it was chilly but not dangerously cold and her father kept trying to put it back on. He finally gave up, turned his back and loudly told her she was such a worthless brat. all of that because she was trying to make herself more comfortable. It broke my heart. I caught her eye and smiled at her, she smiled back. I don't think it was the first time she'd ever heard those hurting words.
I am studying for my licensing exam in 2 weeks. I read the developmental psychology section tonight and was hit by how many times psychologists stress the importance of strong bonding and unconditional love from parents...and yet many are unable to deliver that consistently. No wonder we are a distrustful, self-reliant, ego-centric, narcissistic society. And to think it might be different if parents, families, and communities supported each other and valued their children.
I am glad that your tears have stopped for now...perhaps mine will come soon. I am afraid that they won't come for years...when I finally have time to allow them to come. I truly hope not.
Love and Light.
Enjoy the simple pleasures of your day,
Maggie
I feel happy that you are craving healthy, life sustaining foods...you want to find health.
I think the image of diving in and pulling the plug is a good one...
but, what if we aren't supposed to wash all of our life experiences down the drain?
What if they are meant to be a part of our tapestry?
What if we pull a plug that is blocking the life-giving, fresh natural spring water from entering the swamp? That will be oxygen and nutrients to restore the balance of life. Then the water will no longer be stagnant. It will no longer be dead. It will eventually dilute the garbage and make it tolerable...perhaps we may even find a lesson buried in the muck once we can see through the water. Maybe the little girl has been that plug because she was afraid of living that brought unacceptable pain. Maybe the little girl was just trying to hold onto what little stability she knew, even if it meant accepting a dark swamp for a home.
I think that fear of the unknown is more paralyzing than anything else. If we can identify the threat it is possible to face it, to find the courage to conquer it. But when we hide -scared and helpless- life is unbearable. Learned helplessness is a terrible thing but it has been taught to children for generations ...you are too stupid to do this by yourself...why can't you do anything right?...all of those negative messages that we have heard over and over again. I was walking out from a football game and a toddler was trying to take off her sweater, it was chilly but not dangerously cold and her father kept trying to put it back on. He finally gave up, turned his back and loudly told her she was such a worthless brat. all of that because she was trying to make herself more comfortable. It broke my heart. I caught her eye and smiled at her, she smiled back. I don't think it was the first time she'd ever heard those hurting words.
I am studying for my licensing exam in 2 weeks. I read the developmental psychology section tonight and was hit by how many times psychologists stress the importance of strong bonding and unconditional love from parents...and yet many are unable to deliver that consistently. No wonder we are a distrustful, self-reliant, ego-centric, narcissistic society. And to think it might be different if parents, families, and communities supported each other and valued their children.
I am glad that your tears have stopped for now...perhaps mine will come soon. I am afraid that they won't come for years...when I finally have time to allow them to come. I truly hope not.
Love and Light.
Enjoy the simple pleasures of your day,
Maggie
not numbing
So this is crazy. I have been crying at night, instead of sleeping, but last night I slept. This morning I woke up - too early, but that's my life, and wanted a smoothie for breakfast. It had apples that I ran outside and picked and home-made grape juice and beet greens and a carrot. I wasn't craving my numbing agents, I was craving vitamins.
Then, later, after lunch, I did eat a hand full of chocolate chips, but it did not kick off a feeding frenzy. I am not feeling wildly addicted, like I MUST numb today.
It feels - weird!
I started thinking that all of my tears have created a clear stream of water in my swamp. Then I had the wild idea that I could dive to the bottom of the swamp and pull the plug. I am almost afraid to try...When I was considering it, I was wondering if my sobbing little girl was the plug...
I wondered what would happen if I pulled the plug. Would it refill with clear water? I'm sure I would have to rinse out a few times, because we know the stench and crap is thick in there. But maybe some of the old, hard debris will soak loose!!
The dogs started playing today - Joyful moment! My grandson called to tell me I am a dump truck. I told him he was a backhoe and he was delighted.
Enjoying your conference?
Love you...missing you!!
Clare
Then, later, after lunch, I did eat a hand full of chocolate chips, but it did not kick off a feeding frenzy. I am not feeling wildly addicted, like I MUST numb today.
It feels - weird!
I started thinking that all of my tears have created a clear stream of water in my swamp. Then I had the wild idea that I could dive to the bottom of the swamp and pull the plug. I am almost afraid to try...When I was considering it, I was wondering if my sobbing little girl was the plug...
I wondered what would happen if I pulled the plug. Would it refill with clear water? I'm sure I would have to rinse out a few times, because we know the stench and crap is thick in there. But maybe some of the old, hard debris will soak loose!!
The dogs started playing today - Joyful moment! My grandson called to tell me I am a dump truck. I told him he was a backhoe and he was delighted.
Enjoying your conference?
Love you...missing you!!
Clare
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Nobody....
It must be nice to have the power to strike terror into people's hearts! A pop quiz. I don't think I ever saw it as an advantage.
I am so glad your dog is back to normal. Our new arrival had a very good day. She just seemed - like she belongs. She gets along with the cat, and with our niece's dog. He was beginning to seem normal to me, until this other dog arrived. Now I see all over again how teeny he is. I'm just not used to little dogs. But he has a good personality - he is a sensible fellow.
I had a tough night last night. I am getting so damned tired of wallowing. But I think I have to feel it and let it flow in order to - transform. It just never seems to end, but I guess it does change. I think I am exposing/exploring the lost little girl waiting for someone to take care of her. Maybe I have excavated all the way down to her. And she is still crying. A lot. All the time. And so I cry with her. Once the tears emerge and are acknowledged then maybe she will stop feeling alone and abandoned. Maybe I can find her soon, and hold her. Her tears flow with - Nobody loves me. Nobody has ever loved me. Nobody will ever love me. The logical part of my brain lists people who love me, but she cries harder and says Nobody loves me. And so I will cry. I will cry every night until this passes. Because it is necessary.
I had a weird moment with my grandson. I was sitting on a swing with a slatted seat. He was playing, climbing on it, crawling around. At one point, he was underneath and he poked the back of my thighs with a stick maybe. I panicked. I wanted to run. My reaction was so strong and so physical. I think it had to mean something, but I can't remember what.
Exhausted because I'm crying instead of sleeping. So off to bed early with me...
I love you, but the question of the day is: Do I love me?
Clare
I am so glad your dog is back to normal. Our new arrival had a very good day. She just seemed - like she belongs. She gets along with the cat, and with our niece's dog. He was beginning to seem normal to me, until this other dog arrived. Now I see all over again how teeny he is. I'm just not used to little dogs. But he has a good personality - he is a sensible fellow.
I had a tough night last night. I am getting so damned tired of wallowing. But I think I have to feel it and let it flow in order to - transform. It just never seems to end, but I guess it does change. I think I am exposing/exploring the lost little girl waiting for someone to take care of her. Maybe I have excavated all the way down to her. And she is still crying. A lot. All the time. And so I cry with her. Once the tears emerge and are acknowledged then maybe she will stop feeling alone and abandoned. Maybe I can find her soon, and hold her. Her tears flow with - Nobody loves me. Nobody has ever loved me. Nobody will ever love me. The logical part of my brain lists people who love me, but she cries harder and says Nobody loves me. And so I will cry. I will cry every night until this passes. Because it is necessary.
I had a weird moment with my grandson. I was sitting on a swing with a slatted seat. He was playing, climbing on it, crawling around. At one point, he was underneath and he poked the back of my thighs with a stick maybe. I panicked. I wanted to run. My reaction was so strong and so physical. I think it had to mean something, but I can't remember what.
Exhausted because I'm crying instead of sleeping. So off to bed early with me...
I love you, but the question of the day is: Do I love me?
Clare
Monday, October 7, 2013
rather uneventful day...
Clare,
I had a quiet day, rather uneventful.
I gave a pop-quiz in class today for bonus points...it is amazing how freaked out students become even when the results can only help them. I really have to teach them to put concepts together. They are so used to regurgitating memorized material. I asked them to explain why we sweat more after we finish exercising than we do during...they had to consider 3 organ systems and put together a simple answer...and no one got it. I think I am going to spend the final few weeks just going over medical cases to let them learn how inter-related the body systems are. Those who got to class late were angry that they missed the opportunity for points...but they are getting very lax about attending lecture, I hope this encourages them to come.
I worked on my research paper, revising with my mentor/partner. I am amazed how much of the information I've learned in my class has helped me through this revision.
Not much else to report...the dog is back to normal. I am tapering her phenobarb after consultation with a friend who is a vet. It's nice to have her back again.
I will check in tomorrow...
Love and Light,
Maggie
I had a quiet day, rather uneventful.
I gave a pop-quiz in class today for bonus points...it is amazing how freaked out students become even when the results can only help them. I really have to teach them to put concepts together. They are so used to regurgitating memorized material. I asked them to explain why we sweat more after we finish exercising than we do during...they had to consider 3 organ systems and put together a simple answer...and no one got it. I think I am going to spend the final few weeks just going over medical cases to let them learn how inter-related the body systems are. Those who got to class late were angry that they missed the opportunity for points...but they are getting very lax about attending lecture, I hope this encourages them to come.
I worked on my research paper, revising with my mentor/partner. I am amazed how much of the information I've learned in my class has helped me through this revision.
Not much else to report...the dog is back to normal. I am tapering her phenobarb after consultation with a friend who is a vet. It's nice to have her back again.
I will check in tomorrow...
Love and Light,
Maggie
Owning up in public
Hello Maggie,
The new dog is here, at least for awhile. My preference is that we not change her again, but if she does not fit this family, there's a rescue organization that will take her. She is very nervous, wondering where she belongs. But she bonded quickly to my friend, I think she will bond quickly here again. This is a good place for dogs. And I do like having them around.
I have considered having another roommate, but with my daughter and the baby, it just seems like too much. I talked to someone who was in dire straights - it was a possibility and I was a little nervous about the idea. But she decided to move back to the city.
It is interesting that charity insulated the rich from the poor. But I think it;s the very wealthy that shield themselves completely. I am too tired to look up statistics, but I have read that the very wealthy donate the least, by percentage. I feel like we have a caste system here, but it is hidden and so we can ignore it. Or it is so normal, so comfortable that we don;t question it.
When you asked how many people played and replayed threatening situations in their head, first I think people need a little more time with the question - to own it. But second, if no one else owns up - who is going to be first to admit in public? That doesn't mean they're not thinking about it.
We had a birthday dinner last evening. I thought the chaos went well, but today sibs are complaining about each other. I am tired...I love them all, though.
Tired in general , so I'm off to bed...
Love you, Clare
The new dog is here, at least for awhile. My preference is that we not change her again, but if she does not fit this family, there's a rescue organization that will take her. She is very nervous, wondering where she belongs. But she bonded quickly to my friend, I think she will bond quickly here again. This is a good place for dogs. And I do like having them around.
I have considered having another roommate, but with my daughter and the baby, it just seems like too much. I talked to someone who was in dire straights - it was a possibility and I was a little nervous about the idea. But she decided to move back to the city.
It is interesting that charity insulated the rich from the poor. But I think it;s the very wealthy that shield themselves completely. I am too tired to look up statistics, but I have read that the very wealthy donate the least, by percentage. I feel like we have a caste system here, but it is hidden and so we can ignore it. Or it is so normal, so comfortable that we don;t question it.
When you asked how many people played and replayed threatening situations in their head, first I think people need a little more time with the question - to own it. But second, if no one else owns up - who is going to be first to admit in public? That doesn't mean they're not thinking about it.
We had a birthday dinner last evening. I thought the chaos went well, but today sibs are complaining about each other. I am tired...I love them all, though.
Tired in general , so I'm off to bed...
Love you, Clare
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Happy First Day
It seems as if the universe wants you to have companions, four legged companions. You have the ingredients for a shelter there. The story of the dog, tied out, neglected because of his master's depression is very sad. Maybe for a two legged companion you should consider female roommate...you wouldn't be alone and you hopefully wouldn't have the drama of a man.
I have been thinking about poverty and wealth.
I do believe that there is a divide...
a barrier that keeps the wealthy from seeing the poor.
But, some of those barriers are set up by charities.
They keep our efforts to help the poor at a neat and safe distance. Many don't ask for our physical time and labor...only monetary contributions. I honestly think they maintain poverty....strangely for their job security.
This morning in Meeting someone read a quote by Rufus Jones to that effect. He noted that giving money and things to people doesn't help in the long term solution. People need your time, acceptance, wisdom, guidance. He challenged us to get involved in our communities to help the poor, not from a distance or from our checkbook but up close and personal. I remember frustration while practicing Catholicism because charity was something we paid for, but were never involved directly in. I once had an idea that we would purchase inflatable soccer balls and ask people to sign their names. The balls would then be distributed at a sister parish in Uganda, where the schools are so poor there are over 50 kids in a class and there is one ball for the whole school. People could donate to cover the cost of the balls. The priest declined the idea, saying that collecting money for them to use as they saw fit was a preferable way to go. When I went to Quaker Meeting I loved physically helping at Family Promise, Habitat for Humanity, and collecting school supplies for Mennonite Central Committee.
I was at a baby shower today for a friend from my masters program. I sat with a friend who works with disabled individuals. She spoke of getting the disabled out into the communities, in volunteer positions, to allow them to connect socially as well as gain further acceptance. She said it is making a difference, one person at a time.
I think that when we connect...one person to another...our prejudices and fears fall away. Connection is the key...an individual is no longer stereotyped...they are known for their unique skills and abilities. It is a way of changing stereotypes.
I have been thinking about my inability to show emotion to males....anger or joy. I am not sure I ever let them in that close. I wonder if that is a direct effect of the abuse or if others are the same way. I wonder if being open and vulnerable is a choice that we make...something we all work on.
During lecture the other day I was talking about experiencing a threatening situation and, after it is over and we're safe, ruminating about it. We replay the experience over and over in our heads. It is a survival mechanism that allows us to train our minds to react more quickly the next time we are faced with a similar threat. Well, I asked them, "How many of you replay threatening situations in your head?" No one raised their hands...well, I was feeling quite pathological...maybe I am the only one who does that on a regular basis. So, maybe my emotional constipation is an individual characteristic...not one commonly held by other people in our society.
I am working at a social work conference at the end of this week. I am looking forward to talking with old friends and meeting new people. I may be scarce by the end of the week. I will catch up over the weekend.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I have been thinking about poverty and wealth.
I do believe that there is a divide...
a barrier that keeps the wealthy from seeing the poor.
But, some of those barriers are set up by charities.
They keep our efforts to help the poor at a neat and safe distance. Many don't ask for our physical time and labor...only monetary contributions. I honestly think they maintain poverty....strangely for their job security.
This morning in Meeting someone read a quote by Rufus Jones to that effect. He noted that giving money and things to people doesn't help in the long term solution. People need your time, acceptance, wisdom, guidance. He challenged us to get involved in our communities to help the poor, not from a distance or from our checkbook but up close and personal. I remember frustration while practicing Catholicism because charity was something we paid for, but were never involved directly in. I once had an idea that we would purchase inflatable soccer balls and ask people to sign their names. The balls would then be distributed at a sister parish in Uganda, where the schools are so poor there are over 50 kids in a class and there is one ball for the whole school. People could donate to cover the cost of the balls. The priest declined the idea, saying that collecting money for them to use as they saw fit was a preferable way to go. When I went to Quaker Meeting I loved physically helping at Family Promise, Habitat for Humanity, and collecting school supplies for Mennonite Central Committee.
I was at a baby shower today for a friend from my masters program. I sat with a friend who works with disabled individuals. She spoke of getting the disabled out into the communities, in volunteer positions, to allow them to connect socially as well as gain further acceptance. She said it is making a difference, one person at a time.
I think that when we connect...one person to another...our prejudices and fears fall away. Connection is the key...an individual is no longer stereotyped...they are known for their unique skills and abilities. It is a way of changing stereotypes.
I have been thinking about my inability to show emotion to males....anger or joy. I am not sure I ever let them in that close. I wonder if that is a direct effect of the abuse or if others are the same way. I wonder if being open and vulnerable is a choice that we make...something we all work on.
During lecture the other day I was talking about experiencing a threatening situation and, after it is over and we're safe, ruminating about it. We replay the experience over and over in our heads. It is a survival mechanism that allows us to train our minds to react more quickly the next time we are faced with a similar threat. Well, I asked them, "How many of you replay threatening situations in your head?" No one raised their hands...well, I was feeling quite pathological...maybe I am the only one who does that on a regular basis. So, maybe my emotional constipation is an individual characteristic...not one commonly held by other people in our society.
I am working at a social work conference at the end of this week. I am looking forward to talking with old friends and meeting new people. I may be scarce by the end of the week. I will catch up over the weekend.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Coalescing
Come play with me and make me laugh...or laugh with me until we pee our pants. I don't laugh enough. I wallow in the sad and deny myself the pleasure.
I had three grandchildren today., then the two youngest. I am tired. How did I do this when I was young??
A friend has a dog that stays with me when she travels. The dog and her littermate sister used to stay, but one died last year. The breeder contacted my friend, and because of a divorce situation another of the littermates was is a neglectful situation. Basically the dog has been outside in a three foot rope for the last three months. When my friend went and got the dog, the former owner was so depressed he almost couldn't get out of bed.
Now the dog has separation anxiety, as well as being confused about her pack. So I am going to try it - keep her here for a few days and see if she seems comfortable. Someone else contacted us and is trying to find a home for a cat. And another friend had ten kittens abandoned on her country road. She has seven, someone else took the other three in. And two old friends just sent me long notes about the latest in their lives.
It's like something is coalescing...
Today is a family birthday, but tomorrow will be a family dinner. I hope I can prepare!!
Love to you all,
Clare
I had three grandchildren today., then the two youngest. I am tired. How did I do this when I was young??
A friend has a dog that stays with me when she travels. The dog and her littermate sister used to stay, but one died last year. The breeder contacted my friend, and because of a divorce situation another of the littermates was is a neglectful situation. Basically the dog has been outside in a three foot rope for the last three months. When my friend went and got the dog, the former owner was so depressed he almost couldn't get out of bed.
Now the dog has separation anxiety, as well as being confused about her pack. So I am going to try it - keep her here for a few days and see if she seems comfortable. Someone else contacted us and is trying to find a home for a cat. And another friend had ten kittens abandoned on her country road. She has seven, someone else took the other three in. And two old friends just sent me long notes about the latest in their lives.
It's like something is coalescing...
Today is a family birthday, but tomorrow will be a family dinner. I hope I can prepare!!
Love to you all,
Clare
Friday, October 4, 2013
Withstanding
Being in control, and withstanding...these are the words that leaped out and roared at me in your last two posts. I know these words well in my life. I have been complimented over and over for being such a strong woman...I can survive anything. But being in control - withstanding - it makes me feel like we are fortresses. My walls are high, my moat is full and my drawbridge is up. And no one is coming in, because it is peaceful and safe in here. But it's lonely, and humans are not meant to live alone. Isn't it amazing how we can have large families, and still be alone? I have been more and more aware of it lately.
I remember spending lots of time alone as a child, as an adolescent, even when I was at college. I guess I learned early that lonely was safe. But I have developed a great capacity to be alone and serene.
Does this feel familiar to you?
My ex and I were, and are, very civil - even though there are moments when I want to smack him! I have always been proud of our cordial relationship, and our kids have thanked us for behaving well. I never considered that it was a family pattern - and not a healthy one! I used to get loud and emotional with my college sweetheart. And he always thought it was funny when it happened. Thinking back to that healthy relationship again...
I really admire your courage in facing the fact that you don't get mad at males. We get that message from culture, from church, from family - and once you've been raped, you learn...deep and experientially. Your brothers taught you not to stand up, not to get angry. I think this could be the seed of why you feel so guilty about not protecting S#3 when the boys were repeatedly raping her. Maybe it's easier to see your response to her than to your own situation.
Avoiding males...I guess that's what I do, too. A friend asked me if I wanted a man. I had to stop and think about my answer. I would love to have a companion. But I don't want any more pain. But Brene teaches us that we need to feel the pain in order to get to the joy - we have to feel it all.
I feel like I want to cry...
How do you feel the emotions? You swan dive into the swamp. Whoa - emotional reaction here...I have spent so much time trying to get out, I hadn't considered diving in intentionally. Swan dive into the swamp and see what you find swirling in the murk. I think this could be a great guided meditation for both of us. I wonder how we could do it...
I was talking to someone today about the accumulation of wealth within that top 1%, wondering if they saw poverty or kept themselves so insulated that it was hidden, gone, invisible. My thought was they do everything first class and behind tinted glass and so they don't see poverty, even though it is all around them. We were talking about being humane vs being inhumane, and she asked: What do we do? And I just said: Be kind. It all seemed so simple. Every time we are kind, every time we see someone - truly see them and listen to them, acknowledge their existence we access humanity, both ours and theirs.
It seems so simple...
I'm glad you are hitting some important layers of awareness. Dive deeper - you can do it.
I love you, remember your Light...
Clare
I remember spending lots of time alone as a child, as an adolescent, even when I was at college. I guess I learned early that lonely was safe. But I have developed a great capacity to be alone and serene.
Does this feel familiar to you?
My ex and I were, and are, very civil - even though there are moments when I want to smack him! I have always been proud of our cordial relationship, and our kids have thanked us for behaving well. I never considered that it was a family pattern - and not a healthy one! I used to get loud and emotional with my college sweetheart. And he always thought it was funny when it happened. Thinking back to that healthy relationship again...
I really admire your courage in facing the fact that you don't get mad at males. We get that message from culture, from church, from family - and once you've been raped, you learn...deep and experientially. Your brothers taught you not to stand up, not to get angry. I think this could be the seed of why you feel so guilty about not protecting S#3 when the boys were repeatedly raping her. Maybe it's easier to see your response to her than to your own situation.
Avoiding males...I guess that's what I do, too. A friend asked me if I wanted a man. I had to stop and think about my answer. I would love to have a companion. But I don't want any more pain. But Brene teaches us that we need to feel the pain in order to get to the joy - we have to feel it all.
I feel like I want to cry...
How do you feel the emotions? You swan dive into the swamp. Whoa - emotional reaction here...I have spent so much time trying to get out, I hadn't considered diving in intentionally. Swan dive into the swamp and see what you find swirling in the murk. I think this could be a great guided meditation for both of us. I wonder how we could do it...
I was talking to someone today about the accumulation of wealth within that top 1%, wondering if they saw poverty or kept themselves so insulated that it was hidden, gone, invisible. My thought was they do everything first class and behind tinted glass and so they don't see poverty, even though it is all around them. We were talking about being humane vs being inhumane, and she asked: What do we do? And I just said: Be kind. It all seemed so simple. Every time we are kind, every time we see someone - truly see them and listen to them, acknowledge their existence we access humanity, both ours and theirs.
It seems so simple...
I'm glad you are hitting some important layers of awareness. Dive deeper - you can do it.
I love you, remember your Light...
Clare
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