push!

I love it...

You get all relaxed and everything moves forward. And you find your connection - through music, of course.  Magic.

I always look forward to your reports from your Reiki healer!

I did watch Avatar.  Someone recommended it a few weeks ago, and I finally remembered I wanted to see it and I had time on Sunday.  I was distressed by the violence, but otherwise - impressed.

And I loved the parallels with humanity - although we like to think we are stewards, keepers, controllers, knowers. It keeps us from remembering we are simply part of the web...

Therefore we just need to...

Relax!

And be grateful..And celebrate.

I wonder if our fear of simply being part of the web is why we feel led to kill spiders.

I have been feeling stuck...like I'm standing still, looking around, wondering what is going to happen next, or happen at all.  I know that is partly because the baby is sick and I have spent a lot of the past two days holding her.  I'm not getting much done when I have an urge to push...not as uncontrollable as birthing, but similar.

Just talked to my oldest son...they want me again this summer. Yay!!  I do miss them...And I will admit I nagged just a little, calling to see if they want me.  The answer is yes, and for as long as I can possibly stay!

I just realized I have work to do in the kitchen before I can go to bed. I made a fermented beet drink, which is supposed to help feed adrenals and gut. I thought maybe I would use it as a basis for smoothies. I'll let you know how that works out. I hope it's okay - I made half a gallon!

Exhausted...But tomorrow is Friday...

Love and hugs from Clare

listening for messages

Claire,

I didn't know we bombed Iraq every day of the Clinton administration…
I never heard that before…
wow.

You would like Avatar…
I saw it when it came out and it made a big impression on me.
See if you can rent it.

I am having a 'day of me'…
I had no business on my calendar today so I woke up and went to yoga…
then a 1:30 massage…
and at 5 I see my reiki healer.
I am going to be so relaxed by tonight.
I am trying to listen to the lessons today.
Who is saying what to me…
who do I need to listen to…
what am I to hear and heed.

While I was getting a massage the music occasionally skipped…
I snapped my fingers and it began playing normally.
I laughed and told the masseuse about it when she came into the room…
she laughed and said it is music from the computer, so it shouldn't skip.
Someone was there playing games…
wanting to be heard today.
It happened several more times and we both just glanced at the computer and it began playing again…
very interesting.

I am wondering what the messages from reiki will be this evening.

My son is feeling better…
but now husband is not well.
I hope I don't get it too.

We have our first home visit with Children and Youth next week. It's taken forever, but it is finally moving forward. Despite being frustrated by the delays, everyone seems to be more comfortable and ready for the changes at this point. Maybe the delay was a good thing.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

jumbled

My dear -

Everyone is getting sick.  My youngest granddaughter is extremely congested. She could not sleep last night, and slept upright in my lap this afternoon.  Mama worked a half day. She didn't want to take her girl to my friend who watches her in the morning. So she waited and brought her to me as I finished work.

I put her in a steamy shower, and sat and read a book for as long as she would stay in there. And I held her as she napped. Time moves differently when holding a sleeping baby.  It sort of dissolves...

I appreciated your comments about sugar. S#3 also commented that she got into the Easter candy and had an explosive reaction - had to race to the bathroom.  I didn't buy any candy this year, and I ate very little.  I am not doing too bad with avoiding sugar.  But I'm not really dropping weight either.  I am working on convincing myself I am beautiful... 

Someone encouraged me to watch Avatar, the movie from about 5 years ago.  The bad Earthlings are their to rape yet another planet.  They see the indigenous as ignorant animals - of course.  That is the only way we can be at peace wiping out another race.  But the people have connections to the land.

I thought about us.  We have similar connections if you go deeper than religion and nationality, and slower than cars and microwaves.

And in the movie, the trees were the center of the ancient wisdom - the keepers.  Just like they are here.

I have always said that violence is never the way to peace.  In this movie, the Earthlings are using violence, and I have not been able to consider a way to avoid fighting back.  I am wondering if we need an audience in order to be humane. I am wondering if this is why it is so easy to ignore what we are doing with drones every day...why it is so easy to not know that we bombed Iraq every day during the Clinton administration.

Lots of other jumbled thoughts...maybe I'll get them straightened out by the tomorrow...or the next day!!

Love and hugs from Clare

late

Hi Claire,

It's getting late, and I should be going to bed, but I wanted to check in before I do. My youngest is down with a a fever and cough- probably influenza. He got up at 3 am and went outside because his fever was so high. I didn't sleep well after that. He has been resting comfortably most of the day, but hot and cold cycles almost continually.

Husband is in his hometown for an Aunt's funeral. He had dinner with cousins and is looking forward to seeing his large, extended family tomorrow at the funeral. The Aunt was 90 and died peacefully.

I begin teaching an after-school program tomorrow on health and fitness for middle schoolers. I am excited to work with that age group. Tomorrow I have 40 students and their parents, we are hoping to take them out for a mile walk to experience the benefits of walking. It might be like herding cats though. I hope I have back up from the teachers who run the program.

Sunday I fly to Atlanta for a 2 day conference. It is for a program we are involved with that connects faith based organizations to disaster preparedness for the most vulnerable of the congregations. It should be interesting.

I am still trying to make peace with my GI tract. I was doing well until I ate a lot go sugar on Sunday and it is really complaining today…painfully complaining. I have to learn to be good to my body, before it gets out of balance and painful.

I will be back tomorrow…
until then
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

reawakening

Hi Maggie,

It is windy.  The wind knocked down a tree on our road, so we were without electricity for several hours.  I told my little companion that without electricity, we could not use the computer. That's okay, she told me, we'll watch Doc McStuffin.  But not without electricity. I kept shooting down all of her ideas. We started coloring, and somehow that morphed into drawing puppets on our hands, which made her laugh hard. Then she danced like a tree in the wind.

I don't know what the image is. I don't want to claim it as a preverbal memory, because I just don't know. Add to that the changes our genetics go through when we are traumatized. I could be remembering Grandma's memories for all I know. It could be anyone in the family, or it could be symbolism for something else...all I know is I don't know if I want to know...and that I am sheltering that baby.

It is so confusing. I am still unsettled and emotional.

The dream - he was telling you what happened.  He was giving you a piece of the puzzle so we can understand. Dad did it to him because Pop did it to Dad because...which family do I follow? I can toss out a lot of names here. I wonder why this is so important to me. I have always wanted to know our story, who we were.  Some of it has devastated me.

When I realized we were descended from Vikings and Brits - invaders - I was not happy.

My week is back to quiet and normal.  I am still cleaning out. It feels like physical cleansing of home and body as well as an emotional cleansing.

My first daffodil is almost open. I love them so much. They feel like the heart trumpeting joy.  And this weekend I washed sheets and hung them outside to dry. It's like sleeping on sunshine...more joy! So there are positive things happening, warming, reawakening...

I hopeyou have a good evening...love and hugs from Clare

whirlwind

Claire,
The images are intense…
as are the emotions raised by them.
I wonder what they are telling you.
Is this a pre-verbal memory, or is it a sense of the disrespect we have for human beings- even the most innocent.
I wonder what it all means.
I've had vivid dreams with sexual images of babies- one of our brothers licking my son's penis, when asked why he would do that he replied, "dad did it?!?". Like it was a tradition. I've never really understood what that was telling me. But, I've never trusted my kids with our family members. I didn't trust them with husband's family either. It's a tough place to be. Isolated. No one to turn to for help. No one trusted enough to open up to. It isn't a good space to be in.

The weekend was nice. The older of the young men has begun calling our house 'home'. It is a nice thing, a welcome change. The younger is still tentative, spending most of his time in the basement, away from the rest of us. I am trying to invite him to join in without insisting. He laughs at dinner when everyone is sharing stories. The older one complained of being bored this week. I think that's a good sign, he's comfortable enough to relax and realize there's free time. I hiked on Thursday, took them to a movie on Friday, hiked Saturday, and they went to church with husband on Sunday so I find it hard to believe they are really bored. They just don't know how to structure their time here. It will come with time.

Husband goes out of town tomorrow, for a family funeral. I am traveling on Sunday - Tuesday for a conference. I think it's going to be a whirlwind of a week. Interestingly enough we have very high winds right now- I'm watching the trees sway and bend in the wind. I love wind…very powerful.

All for now.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

resurrection

Happy First Sunday after the first full moon past the vernal equinox!

Your celebration sounds fun - all of them. I have a book here that discusses the meanings and use of the crystals. Let me know if you need it.

It has been crazy here - in my mind. Something happened earlier this week and I have been reticent, no afraid, let's go for terrified - to write it down and make it real and share it. But the story continued last night, and so I'm coming out...

A few nights ago, as I was falling asleep, and I was in that place where it's not clear if this is dream or fantasy or memory...I saw an infant. You know how babies draw their knees up beneath them and curl up and sleep...this naked baby was sleeping in large male hands.  All I could see was babe and hands. There was no setting...it was all very generic. One hand began stoking the baby's back, then moving down over the curl of the baby's bottom, and it began to feel sexual.  Suddenly I felt trapped and I started screaming,  "I don't want to see this!" I screamed inside my mind, and I screamed, and I continued screaming and I forced my eyes open but I could still see it. I had to sit up and talk out loud to myself about other things. I was hyperventilating...

It has been haunting me...every night.

This was followed by the episode in the woods, screaming from my yellow chakra.  So last night, when, once again, I could not sleep...after I sent love and blessings to my kids and their families...I went back.  I didn't pick up the story or the image. I picked up the baby and pulled her into my heart.  I got so many images. 

I felt the way an abused infant is trapped in pain. The can not call out, they can not move away.  They can only cry or be frozen in pain.  Then I began to think about predator and prey. Fawns hide in complete silence until their mama is close by.  They instinctually know how to freeze.

I don't know...I need to cry.  It was clear in the middle of the night and now I am staring at my keyboard.

Maybe more will come out as I process this week.

But I feel like my heart is broken, or it is breaking.   I know this is good, but it is so painful. I am walking through the swamp...but you know what...I think tears are cleansing me as I go, so I'm not being bogged down and getting stuck.

So it is Easter. It is a day of resurrection and rebirth.

And I don't think it is a coincidence that I have a dumpster here, because I am cleaning all the excess stuff out of my house...

Today a group of us will go to meeting, then I will clean out!

It's a start...

Love and hugs from Clare