TGIF

Hi Sister!

Welcome to my world. It really is kind of fun out here in Weirdsville!   My youngest told me that a lake gull has been coming to sit on her car almost every day.  She often drives to the lake to get out of the office and eat lunch.  I said it had something to teach her. She said it just wants her leftovers. I think we are both right...

But what is cool is that she has begun identifying this particular gull. She has noticed individual markings.  And she has expanded and begun noticing the behavior of the other gulls.  I think when those we consider wild and other start becoming individuals, we are well on our way to understanding we are all part of the web. We are all important. We all have something to share.

I had a friend who's part Cherokee. She was the one who taught me to notice the animals, and the insects, and sometimes even the plants. She said that when I felt confused, think of it as a dream, then try to analyze it.

And yes bobcat is working with you!

It would be fun to learn more about shamanism...Cycling back again, aren't I?

Maybe there is a reason for three visits. Maybe there is something that unfolds in the relationship that they are looking for.  I just know I hate it...

This has been such a long week. On Tuesday morning I was already wishing it was Friday. I may have kidlets tomorrow afternoon,but tomorrow morning, I can address my house and make some sense of the chaos.  It looks terrible here, but it feels so good!

Maybe the same is sort of true with me.

Love and hugs from Clare

my animal symbol

Claire,

I drove to a meeting yesterday, early in the morning…
I had a Claire moment…
as I turned a corner a bobcat ran in front of me.
I was in awe and appreciative for the sighting.
I went to yoga after the meeting and told my friends about the experience and one said, "I wonder what that means?" I have to look it up.
It suddenly occurred to me that it may have meaning in my life. I came home and googled it.

• Clear vision in dark places; vigilance; suspicion; ability to live in solitude; ability to see through masks.
• There is a time for solitude, learning to be alone but not lonely and a time for social balance. He shows how to keep confidences of those around you with a balance of inner and outer perceptions. Bobcat aids in tapping into the curiosity of the unseen world of secrecy, invisibility and hidden meanings for understanding spiritual mysteries of the path that is being traveled. Bobcat will offer protection and expertise of this path and lend its knowledge in maneuvering your developing natural internal power. Bobcat teaches the ability of being able to turn on/off creative forces in life. Always look for what is hidden on all levels and trust your senses.
• The Bobcat animal totem is a sign of patience. Bobcats are superior hunters, and they incorporate stealth, strategy and wield a great deal of patience in their hunting excursions.
• The Bobcat sends us a clear message that in order for us to get what we want, we must be willing to plan, adapt, and above all, have the patience to see our ideals manifest.
• The Bobcat animal totem is also about creation, and developing our abilities into a higher level of value. Additionally, the Bobcat is also about the unseen and silent aspects of our inner selves.
• We need to consider some passions that we have been keeping a secret. Now is the time to unleash our hidden desires – unlock our inner secret wisdom & talents. https://saltformysoul.com/2013/12/01/animal-omens-bobcat-medicine/ 

 ...the Bobcat sends us a clear message that in order for us to get what we want, we must be willing to plan, adapt, and above all, have the patience to see our ideals manifest.

When dealing with social settings (friends, family, work) the Bobcat reminds us to be fully aware. We must be mindful to extend our respect, love and consideration with others. 

As the Bobcat is primarily a solitary creature, we may take its presence as a sign for us to step back from the company of certain people in our lives. Or, the Bobcat may be trying to tell us that we need some time to ourselves. Alone time is time for us to reflect, and regain our energy. The Bobcat intrinsically knows this, and may be trying to tell you to take a break away from the public eye.    http://www.whats-your-sign.com/bobcat-animal-totem.html 

This is pretty cool…

who knew I'd be getting messages from wild animals.

It was a good reminder that my life is full of synchronicity and guidance.

The reiki session was good. The newest change is that my 3rd chakra is opening in a way that she has only rarely experienced. It is developing pin hole openings that allow light to stream from within. She felt that, according to her experience, this was about guidance and direction. Both being guided by others, but also becoming more of a guide or director. She asked me to offer myself reiki to the 3rd chakra each night before I go to sleep. I've been doing that. She wants me to set up a grid in my bedroom, using clear quartz to maintain my grids and meridians…I still have to get some of those.

She is now offering 2 days a month at the yoga studio where I practice on Saturdays and some thursdays. It will be so much easier to see her without traveling so far.

We had our first home visit yesterday- more papers to complete. What an amazing practice in bureaucracy. I think if you have the fortitude to finish the paperwork you must be a decent foster parent. I cleaned and organized my house yesterday in anticipation of the visit…

she walked into the kitchen…

never walked anywhere else in the house.

I offered a tour…

she said that is part of the second visit.

What a waste of man-power hours.

I am exhausted. We are expecting 3+ inches of snow and I am hopeful it comes true- then I'll have an excuse to lay low and be very lazy tomorrow.

heron

Hi Maggie,

It was fun to catch up with your latest adventures.  You know that first group, the ones who let you in so that you would feel like part of the group - they were a cult. That was a perfect description of the way cults welcome us.  But there is always a price...

The Buddhist nun sounds like my kind of person.

With your new son, just remember there are a lot of ways to define family, to define parenting. You will come to a place where you recognize each other as family.  You will both evolve.

My house deconstruction continues. And I think I am simultaneously learning about portion control and what it feels like to be a little hungry -so maybe there is a physical deconstruction. And I'm learning what it is like to eat superfoods. I made a kvass and kale smoothie. My granddaughter loved it.  It was pretty.

The weather has been awful lately. And today was okay enough to get out for a walk.  So we got the jogging stroller, found shoes and finally - we were out the door.  Within about 1/8 of a mile, it started to rain. Since she is just recovering from a cold and I am trying desperately not to get one, we turned around and got home quickly.

But just before we turned around, I saw that fabulous pteradactyl profile in the sky and I knew it was the blue heron.  A friend who died young, who has been mentioned here more than once, had a connection with blue heron. Every time I see them I sort of know it is her.  I even said hello to her out loud as it crossed over us.

So of course I wanted to see the message. Blue heron people are solitary, self-reliant, spending too much time in their own mind...sounds like me. I was wondering if it was a reminder to be myself, or a little nag to explore other ways of being here...

What happened at your Reiki session? Anything you can share?

Iam so grateful tomorrow is Friday...

Love and hugs from Clare

I've missed you

Claire,

I'm back from the south…
it was a very interesting trip.
I met some truly remarkable people. I had some really brilliant moments. I was confused by some of the interactions.

I walked into the hotel lobby on Monday morning to a gathering of the conference participants, most of whom have been gathering for 7 years. It was like a reunion…
but I was not on the outside looking in…
they pulled me right into the fold.
I met people from across the US who care deeply about helping others who are more vulnerable to health inequities. People who nurture strong connections with faith based organizations in order to help those who cannot access health care. It was amazing.
And then I realized all they were focusing on was flu shots.
The others are offering many services, but this program only cares about flu shots.
Is this silo-ing?
Is this creating other, separate, non-collaborative agencies trying to change the world, but not willing to work with other health care professionals to make a difference. When I asked why health care professionals weren't invited to the discussion I was told they offer 'sick care' not health care. There was a lot of rhetoric about respect, but the underlying sentiment was an 'us versus them' mentality. They even turned the tables on the general public and were rallying around mandating flu shots…
what ever happened to free will?
I really lost a sense of awe in the group when I realized their biases.
The other real question I have is, why?
Why invest money and 7 years of work for something as small as flu shots? I think that the CDC is training these groups to respond in the face of some unknown, future pandemic. I think they are spending the money now to be ready in the future. It almost feels dishonest.

I did meet a woman from LA, a buddhist nun, who helps to run a free health center for anyone in LA. The vast majority of her staff is voluntary- including doctors and nurses. She has homeless who volunteer regularly and she said it gives them reason to clean up and develop self-respect. This woman is going to a world-wide meeting next week in Geneva to discuss services for the immigrants moving into Europe and other farther countries. She has already handled some Syrians in LA who fled and made it to the US. She had such a good and pure feeling around her. What an honor to meet someone like her. She told me that I/we can come to LA and volunteer in her clinic this summer if we have time and the inclination to do so. That would be great.

I had 2 people there share very difficult, personal stories with me. I think I must still have the mental health counselor sense about me. I can only hope that listening and sharing with them helps them in some way.

We have our first home visit tomorrow by child and youth services…
they do 3 in all.
I think (hope) that this process will be done by May and the older of the young men will move in permanently.
We are celebrating the younger's birthday this weekend. He wants to go to a big arcade in a nearby town to celebrate. I am excited to have him celebrate with us. The older one helped me in the yard this past weekend. We had a great discussion about his expectations. He told me that he considers husband and I his dad and mom, and our house his home. I told him how much I appreciated that and asked if it is ok to refer to him as my son- he said yes. He said other things though that make me question what he means by 'dad and mom'. I am getting the impression that, at this point, it means caretakers. I don 't think he understands the unconditional love and wanting the best for him.
He was frustrated on our Friday drive home after school because I told him he isn't allowed to go to another kid's house unless we meet the parents and feel it is safe. He said he wants to be able to go anywhere and make his own choices. He finally heard me when I told him I care about him and what happens to him. That allowed him to relax and hear me.
Anyway, things are moving forward.

I've missed you,
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

allergic

Hi Maggie,

So today I ate chicken and went way over on the fat and protein, but stayed way under on sugar and calories. This is like a puzzle. I am still not sure how to find the balance.  I realize I'm not sure what a proper, healthy serving is. Oh well, there is always tomorrow. I will figure this out. Then I will decide if I like this regime, if it is healthy for me.

I was researching asthma today, and reading up a bit on allergies.  I was thinking about how hypervigilance echoes through our whole selves. Emotionally we are definitely hypervigilant and controlling and on alert. We are always expecting something bad, or maybe we are always expecting the worst.

And our immune systems are also hypervigilant, suspecting every substance of being out to get us.

I read that because of our clean modern lifestyle, our bodies never get to interact with nonpathogenic microbes. In the end our immune system can't tell friend from foe.

Is that what happens to children of abuse? We lead a "clean" life - there is an absence of outsiders, of others in our life. Otherwise, who knows when the secret will get out. And we must protect the secret and the perpetrator at all costs. Because we never know an other, we think  everyone is suspect. 

So we have an emotional allergy.

Sort of...

Back to it...I'm trying to understand the process...

I know part of the cure is always prevention...avoid the triggers. Hard to do when we suspect everyone...

Much love and many hugs from Clare

grouse

Hi Maggie,

I am sort of bewildered in the midst of ripping the house apart. I can't seem to focus on one place then move on. I do a bit here, a bit there. But slowly, it is getting done. I can't exactly see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I know there is one!

I let niece's chihuahua out this afternoon and he flushed a big bird off of my garden wall. I am almost positive it was a ruffed grouse.  I don't know if we were working together here several years ago when I had a bird fly into the window by my desk.  I went outside and found it's body. Being the great ornithologist I am, I thought it was some sort of raptor.  I showed everyone in the neighborhood and I buried it.  Not much later - a few days? A week? I was working at my desk, on the phone, when there was a crash, and explosion of glass.  Another of those birds was lying dead on the floor next to me.  It was November, so cold air was streaming in. I thought maybe someone was trying to get my attention, so I got some help identifying it...ruffed grouse.

http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/grouse.htm

So I'm back to drumming and cycles and dancing.

I think I will pay attention this time so no one has to crash through my window.

I think I am starting to get what the baby has had. My brain is moving slowly, I feel cold and achey. I'm sneezing and starting to be a little drippy.

I made a profile at a website that counts calories and analyzes food eaten. I'm trying to get a handle on my choices. I had way too much sugar today, although it all came from fruit. I had one and a half apples and a banana.  I also did not get enough protein, although I ate 3 eggs.  That really seems like it should be more than enough protein.

I'm never sure who to trust.  It is so hard to know how to eat healthy when we aren't trained when we are young, and there is so much conflicting information.

I have read that the Japanese say that what you feed a child until they are three years old determines the choices they will make for the rest of their lives.  It makes sense that we form our preferences and expectations.  We grew up on white bread, canned vegetables and spaghetti.  Lots of carbs, not much meat, comparatively, and token vegetables.

My kids are definitely healthier than we were.  But they ate from the farm. Too bad we can't go backwards - as far as food is concerned.

Going to go to bed and dream about dancing sirals...

Hope all is well with you,

Love and hugs fromClare

illusions?

Hellooooo Maggie!!!!!

It is snowing here again...We woke up to snow. My daffodils were bent under the weight, then covered in white. Just a smidge of yellow showed through...

The beet juice smoothie was not bed. My little companion even drank a glass without complaining! I have been thinking about analyzing each food for its ability to nourish my body as a way of deciding what to eat.

I read such conflicting advice, I get lost. I freeze. Then the chocolate calls my name...

Circling through my issues again. I'm surprised I have not bored myself yet. Have you ever had the impression you know someone when you meet them? I often wonder how that ties to previous lives.  We are here in different disguises, looking for experience, looking for lessons, looking for each other.  It almost seems like a game.

Except right now the stakes seem to be too high. It almost feels like life or death - for the planet or for our species.

Is that an illusion?

Does it matter?

We take on personas and experiences in order to explore this life.  And it should be fun. But somehow it has gotten out of hand. Too many violations have led to too much violence...

I was thinking - again - about the experiences we chose to accept. The abuse from family and from this culture - especially as females.  And the experiences really influence our range of response and behavior.  Can we become incompatible with some of our nearest and dearest when exploring extremes?

I don't know where I am with this. I don't know where I am going with this.  I was just thinking about interactions with the people who have played the most importnat roles in my life and wondering about past connections...

You need to come back...I need some inspiration.Or I need to pay more attention to what around me...