Tarrrrrrred

Hi Honey,

If you keep insulating father from sons, they will never have the closeness your husband had with his dad.  You'll replicate our family dynamics, which are not very healthy...understatement! Let him help you. Let them take care of things - even if it's not your way, even if it's not the best way. He's a smart man.  He'll get it.  And in doing so, maybe you'll open way for him to take care of you.  Because if you are like me, you are blocking help, being uncomplaining and strong, a true Delana Martyr. You need to soften up so your boobs can expand!

Connection with his brother would be great. We need each other.  But connection with his sons is equally important.

I understand your friend's reaction.  She's being considerate, but I think we sometimes give the cancer too much power.  We are all very sensitive to cancer, to your cancer.  But that's not you. You are a whole, hale person who likes to laugh.  And laughter does heal. It is a wonderful, effective remedy.

I'm doing long days, and watching the babe on weekends. I am so tired, inspiration is not reaching my brain.  I don't feel like I have been very deep or helpful here.  I think maybe I am getting a C in life - for showing up!

I tried to listen to the radio program your healer appeared on, but there were so many pop-up ads playing at the same time, I could not hear her. I gave up. And my friend who went to the soul retrieval talked about it, briefly.  The healer worked with each piece she found.  None were left hanging, and lost. Have fun at the dentist's!

With love from Clare

I spoke too soon

Last night, after I logged off, husband asked me about my last dental visit. I took out my day planner and saw it had been January.

Well, so much for no doctors this week- I am now going to the dentist tomorrow afternoon.

If I get my teeth cleaned before the expanders are placed I don't run the risk of infection following the cleaning procedure. Bacteria are introduced into the blood steam each time we have our teeth cleaned, so if I wait I have to take antibiotics to protect my new boobies/expanders. Also the appointment was after I follow up with the oncologist- so if she wants to start chemo I will be ready. You can't get your teeth cleaned during chemo because of the infection risk.

I am also going to the vet this afternoon- my little dog has been straining to defecate for a while, but last night it was really oily and also bloody. I think it's her anal glands, but we will see.

Last evening husband was really sad- Fathers Day is tough for him. He really misses his Dad. He said that he wishes he could meet him for breakfast, like they used to, and talk about all of the stuff that's going on with our family. I felt so badly for him. I have to admit I have trouble understanding that kind of paternal love. I thought about asking his brother to invite him out to talk- but they live about 2 hours from here. I think I will encourage him to reach out to his brother and talk with him. It won't be the same, but it is better than nothing.

I have been sheltering husband from the boys antics, trying to minimize the stress that he's carrying. As I walked this morning I realized how ridiculous this situation is. I really think his injury is from the stress of my diagnosis. Now, I have to buffer him from the boys to allow him to cope with my diagnosis and heal his injury, and I am once again carrying the stress of the boys solo. This is screwed up! I need a wife...

I had to make myself phone our father, and then I kept it short and to the point. I was surprised when he said they talk about me daily. I find it hard to believe. I rarely hear from them. They are a strange couple, as we are a strange family. Thank God I am an orphan!

Love and Light until tomorrow.
Maggie

No doctors this week!

Clare,

I am getting to this late tonight. I went to Meeting, and then took my friend shopping while 3 of my kids took their dad to a terrible breakfast…
at least they were laughing about it…
my oldest found a fly floating in her water.

I made dinner for everyone except daughter#2 who had a show at 2.
So we ate, the boys fought a bit, and then dispersed to neutral corners.
Husband and I took a walk with the dogs and then drove to get frozen yogurt with daughter#2.
It was nice.
I did talk to our father…
he didn't have his hearing aid in so I had to yell…
and he still didn't hear much.
He told me that they are "on my side" and talk about me every day…
but they rarely talk to me.

your hallmark card writing is poignant…
it makes me laugh and cry a the same time…
it's laughable because it's so true…
but that's really sad.

So, I have a week of no doctor's appointments…
amazing.
I am seeing my rieki healer as well as my massage therapist friend.
I should feel much better after those appointments.

I went out with a friend yesterday for lunch. We laughed and told stories for several hours. As I was driving home she called me, crying. She said that she feels so badly because we were laughing and she doesn't want me to think that she doesn't really care about the cancer. She is incredibly sweet and one of my closest friends- I told her that she has offered me more support than the majority of my family and I am eternally grateful. It was almost funny to hear her crying and apologizing. I don't think that I am pretending that this isn't really happening, I think it's good to maintain perspective about the journey. I am going to survive this- through better or worse- and I will be stronger than I was before.

I hope that you have a great week.
See you here tomorrow,
Maggie

Fathers DayII

Hi Maggie,

Has your family been celebrating Fathers Day?  Ours hasn't.  Because my kids were homeschooled, we never got much into the Hallmark holidays. Even though I was aware of it being Fathers Day yesterday, I sort of let it slip away, and didn't call Dad.

I'll probably pop out a hope you had a happy day note before I go to bed.

I did have an emotional few moments, thinking about Fathers Day this afternoon.  I was in the garden, always a good place to think.  I was composing Fathers Day cards. I came up with:  Happy Fathers Day to the man who let me know I was a pain in the ass every day of my life, who taught me never to ask for help - because I am not worth it, and who lovingly pointed out how attractive my friends were, and wished I could be more like them.

Yeah, I'm exhausted and in a mood.  Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.  Didn't know I was going to be such a Merry Little Sunshine today!

Hope I didn't push any of your buttons.  Or, if I did, they were buttons that needed pushed!

We finally had a sunny day.  Hope you did too.

Lots of love from Clare

Fathers Day

Hi Maggie,

Meeting the plastic surgeon, buying supplies - it all seems like it's happening too fast.  Yet I acknowledge your comment about two months being too long.  Time can be a bit schizophrenic. How are you doing? How is your husband doing?

There was a story in the Bible about Abraham, maybe, telling his wife to sleep with Pharoah, maybe.  And in school, Sister told us it was not a sin for the woman.  She was simply being obedient.  And I remember being told that Dad was God's voice in the family.  So we have sacred contracts with each other, but religion changes it, makes it something different.

I was thinking about the sinless woman, and it seems that maybe it's not that she was sinless, but that she was a commodity.  And that truth is hidden in religion.

And as I write, it is almost midnight, almost Father's Day.  I really don't celebrate the Hallmark holidays.  But I have an especially hard time with Father's Day.  I have a hard time thinking back with nostalgia or joy. The commercials just make me uncomfortable. 

Anyway, I am exhausted. I went dancing tonight - contra!!

Hope you are relaxed and resting.

Love from Clare

Potential layers

Honor thy Father and thy Mother…
This has so many sides to it.
Yes,
if they are indeed inadequate or abusive there is a need to distance ourselves from that…
to take on the orphan archetype…
raise ourself as feral…
but move into adulthood unbounded by those family norms.

I do wonder though about sacred contracts…
I believe that we choose life's circumstances prior to conception and make sacred contracts with others.
So, we are somewhat responsible for the life circumstances that we place ourselves into. So, in a sense, while we may not honor their role as abusers, we do have to honor the fact that they are keeping their promise in that contract.

I am lost in all of the potential layers.

I met my plastic surgeon today.
I like him, he introduced himself, said he was sorry for meeting under these circumstances, and then looked me in the eye and said, "this really sucks"…
yes it does, I answered.
We came to an agreement on our plan for reconstruction. I will have expanders placed between the pectoral muscles at surgery and some fluid will be placed into them- they are like a heavy duty water balloon. Then, after about 2 weeks of recovery I will visit the plastic surgery clinic weekly to have more sterile water added until they are the size that we want. This will all heal for a period of time and then the expanders will be removed and replaced with semi-permanent implants. That will happen in about 4 - 6 months. Then I have the option of having nipples built and tattooed onto the fake boobies to make  it all look normal. I am not sure I need that third step, but he asked us to wait to decide, see how I feel after things are healed.

I hope that you have a quiet weekend. The rain is finally supposed to end tomorrow…yeah!
Love and Light,
Maggie

Honor thy father and thy mother

Hi Maggie,

I had a talk with someone from a Muslim family today.  The family dynamics mirrored ours.  It hit me hard that it does not matter what culture or religion we grow up in - the effects of violence are the same.

What I am left with, though, is wondering why we are so vested in making our parents right.  A parent tells us we are not good, we are not worthy, we are not loveable, and we spend our life trying to prove they are right.  So many of the stupid, self-destructive things we do is to live up to what we think they see.

Why can't we see they were damaged individuals, not the demi-gods we saw them as.  It seems as if our life or our  sanity might shatter if we proved them wrong.  Maybe the real heart of it is that we would have to face the truth that all the pain and suffering we endured as children was unnecessary.

I thought about the commandments - Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother.  Even if they are not honorable, we must treat them as gods.  Is religion the root of this, too?

But there's also the absolute vulnerability of being a child.  They are big and wise.  They provide nourishment and shelter and safety...if we are lucky. And if we are not lucky, we pretend it is enough.

And when I hear these stories that mirror ours, compassion oozes out of me.  Why don't I have that same feeling for myself?

Still trapped, with Dad's words...

I hope you are having a day of rest and nesting!

I'll meet you here.  Waiting with love.

Clare