I started thinking about what we have stored inside of us. Terror, tears, loneliness, fear, old stories, shredded photographs, escapist daydreams...Then I started wondering what it all could be transformed into. I had the image of a sparkling piece of artwork. I imagine that would be a great show of vulnerability and strength. Transforming pain into something beautiful, and letting people see it.
My cat has been ignoring me for days, and now she is insisting on sitting between me and the monitor. It makes thinking about my words here...difficult. But she's purring and so I don't want to move her. How is your dog? Have you found anything new?
I found that my kids had to break away from me. They had to rebel. And they chose things that they knew would create the biggest reaction in me - like smoking (What is wrong with you? You know what that is going to do to your lungs, your body. I didn't spend all these years feeding you organic food, taking care of you, protecting you, to have you destroy your health with this habit...you're a pawn of the industry...I still do it now that they are struggling with stopping...) They have to go to an extreme to yank you, to break from you. Then they come back and the relationship is changed. My oldest gets closer to peer as we dance through this process. In fact, when I stop and consider them, they are all closer to peer...but I'm still Mom. We danced through much of what you are doing, including arrests. In true Delana fashion, though - we don't talk. But we survived. I think they are all fairly stable now. Your boys are partly doing this.
What I hate though, is the way social mores and current lowest form of culture has taken over and is more important than family values. That is where I think a lot of your current struggle lies.
How much different was surviving adolescence with the girls? I know it's different.
I need to find two more part time jobs! You are having too much fun!
I love you, sleep well...
Clare
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