Back in the swamp

Clare,

I read your post…and then re-read my last post.
I had tears in my eyes as I read the line, "Wow, I didn't think you liked me".

At first I am indignant…I tell my kids daily that I love them…how could they question that?
Then I stopped myself…took a deep breath and re-read.

Like is very different than love.

Once, when I was writing a song, I toiled with the difference between like and love for weeks.
I love them, my children, unconditionally.
I believe that Mom, Dad, and our siblings love me/us.
I know that they don't like me…the majority at least.
The signs are all there…
no contact, geographic separation, lack of concern or interest in day to day activities, concern for another's well-being, hoping that the other achieves goals and dreams.
I feel as if we love because of that divine spark in each being…it's an internal/eternal mandate.
But, to like someone is a choice.

I am thinking about my reaction to Mom's voice message from Monday.
She loves me…I honestly believe she loves me.
But she chooses to reach out from a safe distance, when things seem to be going well, when I am not going to take her out of her comfort zone- even if it will help one or both of us to grow.
She is comfortable…
surrounded by her doting, youngest daughter…
the rest of us will never be that close…
that's the fact.
The bottom line is that she doesn't like me.
I read our cousin's blog breastofbothworlds…and wondered what our family's reaction will be when one of us is fighting for our lives.

I realize that B#4 is battling cancer…but from the sounds of it his tumor was small, caught early, and most likely has been taken care of surgically. I haven't had much contact with him since his diagnosis. I have texted him and invited him to join us for holiday gatherings and have been turned down or ignored. I have noticed that he is spending time with the parents…now, he did spend time doing work projects for them prior to their move…but he seems to be under the care of the parents right now.

I, read this and realize that I have a lot to let go of when it comes to our family…especially our parents. Mom seems to be the target right now…but when that male trauma center loosens up I am sure Dad will be the recipient of my flowing anger as well.

Just when I think I am getting past the swamp…I dive right back into it.
Oh well…it's that spiral staircase bringing me right back around to important issues that I need to heal.

I have to get back to work.
Love and Light,
Maggie