Enough

So, authentic begins today.
It begins with surrender to my plans and opening to the goodness of the universe.

This has been a hell of a week. I had to go to the office yesterday and them to the Reiki healer…so I was gone for about 5 hours. I got a text as I left the healer's home that son#1 had left, despite being grounded. he would communicate by text, but not answer the calls. I had just been speaking with my healer about him, and his current issues, and she offered to send positive energy his way.

Anyway, I am concerned enough about him…
and his fascination with evil…
that I painted his walls last night while he was MIA.
Let me explain…
He has doodled, in sharpie, certain phrases and images that he insists are jokes, but make me uncomfortable…
like an up-side-down cross…
so I painted over everything.
It took hours…but it was quite cathartic.

This morning, while I was meditating, I had the image of the Israelite slaves in Egypt at the passover, marking their doors with the blood of the lamb…
I am not into sacrifice, but decided to mimic that in my own way. I went back to the can of paint and wrote words on his walls…
words like: Love, Light, God, Buddha, Krishna, Allah, Joy, Peace, Shalom and over his door I wrote GOOD…only good can enter.
I don't know what else to do to help him right now.

I had a very intense conversation with my youngest who couldn't understand why we were holding him to his grounding when his brother was able to sneak out…
he can't understand why he's not getting time off for good behavior!!!
He threatened to run away too…
accused me of being too protective…
told me he's going to smoke pot and drink no matter what…
He told me to stop being such a good parent…
he wants freedom not caring!

I lost it and through tears told him that I care because I wasn't cared for…
I was molested from the time I was 3, beaten up, yelled at, ignored unless someone wanted something from me…no one came to my plays, concerts, swim meets, it was all a nuisance…I was a nuisance.

I went to my room and cried…again.
I have cried so much this holiday week.
I am grateful that my oldest was here to support me…
she has been so good through all of this.

She has this drama going on at our house with the boys pushing to get away at the same time that her boyfriend's mother has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Her family is rallying around her, writing letters about how much she means to them.
I actually said to her last night that I am envious of her boyfriend's mother, because at least she knows how much her family cares.

This morning, through meditation and journaling, I realized that I am being offered the same opportunity and lesson as she is, in a different form. I am being asked to handle something larger than my capabilities, ask for help from humans and the divine and accept help. To surrender and open to the guidance of the universe, rather than my own head.
Big lessons.

Thanks for being here, to listen and share. It feels good to have an outlet for all of this. I no longer isolate…I turn to you…and others…but consistently to you…Thank you.

I wish you a 2014 full of enough…enough of what you need and want.
Love and Light,
Maggie