I WIll Always Love You

My youngest and I learned to lead AVP workshops - exploring ways to respond to violence that don't perpetuate violence.  When your youngest stood up and sang, I Will Always Love You - he nailed it.  It was a perfect response!  What a great kid!

The worst birthday memory I have is of what I did to my child.  My oldest went to stay with S#5 one year, to watch our B-in-law's daughters from his first marriage.  The girls are almost the same age, so there wasn't much respect to be had for mine.  My child was having a stressful summer.  I called on the birthday - Yay Mom! to announce that my marriage was ending.  Whenever there was a worst birthday ever contest amongst peers, my child won!  I still beat myself up over that one.  I was so self-centered.

I was very self-centered, caught in my pain at that time...in the last few years before we split.  I understand dysfunction from both sides - from receiving inept, careless parenting to distributing similar...

My other worst birthday memory was when I was in college.  Friends went away for the weekend and let me use their apartment.  I spent the whole weekend alone, and didn't tell anyone where I was.  My roommate had bought a big ice cream cake for me - as a surprise, and was furious with me for not coming home. What I think of now, was that I had given her a surprise party for her birthday, but wouldn't allow anyone to give me anything for mine.  I really remember how angry she was, and I really didn't understand.

I remember that I just wanted to think.  I loved being alone.  I grew up with so many sibs, then had 4 or 5 roommates - alone was like a miracle!  I still don't mind alone.  I have great capacity to be alone.

I don't remember ever liking my birthday too much.  I think it ties to Dad and his attitude that we are all pains in the ass who drain his resources and make his life miserable with our endless noise and endless demands.  He let me live - that wasn't enough - I wanted a birthday gift too?

I saw the photo of your goose.  What a great gift!  I think it is appropriate for this part of your adventure!  I looked up the meaning of a goose totem.  It means:

Communication Imprinting Your Life Path

A Goose totem reflects a stimulation of childhood thrills and the belief in stories and legends. The stories we loved as children often reflect our life quest. Think about the stories that affected you the most and see what in them you took into your adult life. The Goose also helps in communication, especially with the written word. It is also a symbol of fertility and marital fidelity. Goose people have an innate belief that there is just one special person for each one. Since Geese are vegetarians, those with a Goose totem should always incorporate plenty of vegetables into their diet. The Goose was a sacred bird in the Roman temples of Juno; associated with the North Wind in Greek Mythology; and the totem for the Winter Solstice for the Native Americans. Their honking call speaks of the fulfilled promises that great quests bring. (http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/goose.htm)