Congratulations on having the guts to go get him and bring him home. That is exactly what I would have done - and did do to my children. My neighbor's son was acting out and refusing to obey, and she called me because he was somewhere she had expressly forbid him to go. I told her to go get him. I suggested she just walk in and embarrass him and take him home. She said she could never do that, and so he got to do whatever he wanted to do.
My oldest was at an older boy's home when the parents were not home, after I explicitly said that was not okay. I knocked on the door. When the young man answered the door, I explained what had happened, what the rules were, and told him my child had to leave with me. I think that is how my children learned to negotiate with me.
You had the strength to walk in and say that he will follow family rules.
I noticed that he created another drama. In a way, you nipped the drama in the bud by finding him and bringing him home. Now the drama continues, because he has you fully engaged, and trapped. He will run if you relax. If he is like the rest of us in the family, he is deep inside his head, going over and over how unfair life is, exalting his inner victim.
You are allowed to have weekend plans. It's okay to be disappointed. Just a thought - take him to the workshop...do you think he would be civil in public?
I think the longer you are able to sit with the discomfort, the more you model it - it gets through somehow. And maybe you are changing your genetics - just like happened to us when we were abused. And maybe that change is intergenerational. As you do for yourself, so happens for the family.
Maybe...
I have been eating wheat, which I know is bad for me, and some sugar, which is deadly. Instead of ignoring myself, pretending it is not happening, or beating myself up, I am acknowledging what I am doing - calmly, unemotionally. Maybe this will change me - awareness without condemnation.
Back to your post - How far are you willing to go with your son? It seems some kind of intervention might be a good idea...And maybe some kind of volunteer work with people who need him, to pull him out of the victim cycle, to let him know he is not alone in facing a terrifying, sometimes sad and lonely world.
Upon rereading, you said: But, if I can maintain a sense of balance and resolve…
Are you being supermama? Why does this fall just to you? Who else is involved that you should be letting in? Who else should be involved that you should be inviting in? Is this part of your fear of letting others take care of them - like you described when they were young? or of letting someone take care of you? Or see you are not perfect?
Your garbage is welcome at my door. I love you. I accept you. I will stand with you. I will help you clean it up if there is anything at all I can do.
I love you always,
Clare
-I was just rereading your post, then my post, and I had one of those realizations that may be on target, or I may just be blathering. You decide...
When I went to Al-Anon, we were told over and over - You can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself. But as you change, your relationships will change.
You have been changing. During this time we have been writing to and for each other, you have definitely changed. That changes the dynamics in your family. Is your son acting out to maintain the former culture of the family? Is he afraid of the changes, of the new vulnerability?
Just a thought...
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